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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

what to do re friend and dh

33 replies

ineedyourhelp · 07/08/2010 00:03

a friend of mine sends her child (3yrs old) to my friend a childminder. a month or so ago i see said child at shop with childminders 6yr old.

i send a note to my friend (of the child) saying what i saw but didnt sign it

friend with child was upset and took child out of cm straight away

my cm friend also upset but i couldnt say what i had done

anyway after a few weeks i broke and told dh what i had done

dh went to pub with friends dh tonight and told him what i had done

so upset dont want cm friend to find out Sad so messed up dh has fallen into a coma shortly after telling me what he did so will have to deal with him tomo

OP posts:
OnEdge · 07/08/2010 00:06

That is CRAP ! Why did he do THAT ? Just hope freind's DH also falls into coma and forgets to tell his wife.

Altinkum · 07/08/2010 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ineedyourhelp · 07/08/2010 00:09

no friend text me to say her dh had told her oh heck

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 07/08/2010 00:14

Well let that be a lesson to you not to be such a gutless, interfering sneak again.
Sending anonymous notes is despicable. If you thought there was a problem, you should have told all the relevant people, not hidden behind spiteful letters.

cheesesarnie · 07/08/2010 00:16

can you ask her not to tell cm friend?did she tell cm why she took her dc out of her care?what does text say?

Original poster
ineedyourhelp · 07/08/2010 00:17

oh yes cm knows why

OP posts:
Jux · 07/08/2010 00:18

You should have checked out the situation thoroughly and then been upfront about it. These people are your friends. Couldn't you talk to them?

It's like having a facebook war. Pure playground behaviour.

I'm sorry, I don't have a lot of sympathy. You're going to have to gird your loins and talk to both of them - and be honest about it.

Original poster
ineedyourhelp · 07/08/2010 00:20

solidgold i did talk to cm first about it asking her why but all i got was her dd wanted to take him Shock

i would have felt horrid if cm had let it happen again and the child have been hurt

i am a cm too and work in near partnership with the other cm but the child was a friends also and i couldnt let it lye

OP posts:
Vallhala · 07/08/2010 00:24

Try not to stress, you did the right thing, just in the wrong way.

What's more important? Pissing a friend off or knowing that she is letting a 3 yo mindee go out unsupervised with a 6yo? If I were the 3yo's mother I'd be furious with the CM and extremely grateful to you. The welfare of the children is surely far more of a priority than whether an irresponsible CM is cross with you.

TBH, I wouldn't care what her reaction was towards me either. I wouldn't want a person like that as a friend.

You knew what she had done was wrong and that the mum should be informed, perhaps the only thing to bear in mind if ever a situation like this occurs again is to speak up without hiding behind unsigned notes.

knickers0nmyhead · 07/08/2010 00:31

Depends really....was the shop next door?

3 Miles away?

etc etc etc

ravenAK · 07/08/2010 00:33

Well, you're just going to have to accept that your CM friend is going to be bloody furious, if she gets to hear about it.

Atm you're not much worse off - friend with 3 yo now knows who sent the anonymous note, that's all? Hopefully, she'll be grateful for the 'heads up', but I don't see why you couldn't've just told her what you'd seen.

I'm afraid I'd not be massively impressed in her shoes - I'd think you were sneaky & underhand tbh - but I suppose I'd at least try & see it that you could very easily just have turned a blind eye, & saved yourself all this potential aggro...

SolidGoldBrass · 07/08/2010 00:36

You may have been right to be concerned but you were utterly wrong in dealing with it by means of an anonymous letter. And if your friends now despise you, it serves you right.

terryble · 07/08/2010 00:41

Your husband is in a coma? Literally? Or just deeply asleep?

cheesesarnie · 07/08/2010 00:42

i agree-you went about it in the wrong way.can i ask why you felt you couldnt sign the letter?
also if you mentioned it to the cm,im sure she has a good idea where it may have come from?

id come clean,say it was me and that yes i went about it wrongly but was concerned.

ChippingIn · 07/08/2010 01:09

How far away was the shop?

Bessie123 · 07/08/2010 01:18

Oh ignore SGB, she is always horrible.

You probably should have gone about things a different way but you were right to tell your friend.

ChippingIn · 07/08/2010 01:22

Bessie SGB is not 'horrible' she's upfront and honest... it would clearly pay other people to be the same!

Bessie123 · 07/08/2010 01:30

Well I find SGB unpleasant on all the threads I've seen her on. She is far too 'upfront and honest' for me. But horses for courses - I sometimes come on here feeling a bit stroppy myself.

savoycabbage · 07/08/2010 01:31

Shock I think SGB gives great advice.

ChippingIn · 07/08/2010 01:33

Yep horses for courses.

I wouldn't describe SGB as stroppy. She just tells it like it is - no bs and I like that.

If the OP had been upfront and honest, then she wouldn't be in this situation now!

McSnail · 07/08/2010 08:32

The anonyomous note was a tad dodgy. It taints your good intentions. Kind of dumb really, to send an anonymous note as people always think of them as 'poison pen'.

Saying that, I would have wanted to know if my three yr old was being taken out on jaunts by some six yr old. Not exactly a responsible age, six, is it?

CheeseandGherkins · 07/08/2010 08:37

I don't think distance to shop/bus stop is relevant at all, in the slightest. I wouldn't want my 3 year old out with a 6 year old on their own, regardless of how close it was.

gingernutlover · 07/08/2010 08:42

YWBU to have done it anonymously and therefore she has every right to be annoyed at you. I can see why you did it but telling your husband was a mistake.

YWNBU to have done soemthing about it, it doesnt matter where the shop is, the childminder is paid and under contract to care for your friends child, she had no right to let the child out of her sight.

differentnameforthis · 07/08/2010 08:51

There is alot to be said for being 'upfront and honest' & fwiw, I agree with SGB.

There is NO reason why it needed to be an anonymous note at all. You were upfront with the CM, so you should have been upfront with your other friend, otherwise it sounds like you are stirring!

And the CM probably knows it was you anyway, seeing as you asked her about it....or is is the other friend who you don't want to find out? If so, I really don't understand why!

ccpccp · 07/08/2010 09:05

Notes are fine. You tried to speak to CM and she was having none of it. There were no other options really.

The fact that the friend with child was upset says it all. What CM was doing was plain wrong.

When DH wakes up - you send him around with a full explanation and your apology. Of course you need to apologise face to face later, but he got you into this, so its only right that he does the ground work to get you out of it while emotions are still high.

What a twat.

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