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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

estranged father dying

46 replies

not4anotherday · 05/08/2010 13:18

To cut a very long story short. i have nothing to do with my father, mother or siblings. This is more a WWYD. Please be gentle, am really distressed.

I have found out my dad is dying and has only 6 months to live, he wants to see me and my children along with my mother. I would like to see him but not my mother for my own reasons.

I think if I get in touch and agree to meet just him, he will refuse.

Opinions please.

OP posts:
Original poster
not4anotherday · 05/08/2010 13:24

Anyone?

OP posts:
sanielle · 05/08/2010 13:26

Well if you don't want to meet her.. Maybe show up at hospital/hospice when she isnt about? Or if he chooses not to see you, let it be his loss?

OrmRenewed · 05/08/2010 13:26

So sorry to hear this not4.

Could you perhaps get your DH/OH to write to your father and ask this question rather than confront the issue yourself?

sanielle · 05/08/2010 13:27

Also if you bring your children will it only upset them? as they are probably not currently too close to your father? Maybe they shoudln't start a relationship with a grandfather they are going to lose?

Original poster
not4anotherday · 05/08/2010 13:29

sanielle as far as I know hes at home and not sure when he will be on his own.

ormRenewed I don't think that would go down too well TBH.

OP posts:
pumperspumpkin · 05/08/2010 13:30

I'm very sorry to hear this. I think it is fair enough to say that you are prepared to meet him (would you take the children or leave them for another trip if it goes well?) and leave it to him to decide what he wants to do.

Original poster
not4anotherday · 05/08/2010 13:30

sanielle Yes it will upset my older two and that is a good point about loosing him.Such a hard situatuon.

OP posts:
cyteen · 05/08/2010 13:31

Just tell him you would like to see him but not her. It's a perfectly reasonable request and if he wants to see you badly enough, he will consider it. If not, you may not get to see him but at least you retain your mental wellbeing (I assume you have sound reasons for not wanting to see her).

Appreciate this is easy for me to say though, not being in your position. What is your father's attitude to you not seeing them? Does he accept that there are reasons or is he in denial about why you've chosen to cut contact?

gomummy · 05/08/2010 13:32

I don't know. I wish I did.

I will tell you what's been said to me in a similar discussion by someone I greatly respect.

After he's gone, how do you think you would feel if you didn't go?

Then in the reverse - How do you think you would feel if you did go and it went badly/the way you fear if your mother is there too?

It does sound like those are the only two options he's giving you.

I wish I had advice, but I really don't know, I'm sorry. Hopefully someone will be along soon with some concrete advice. Good luck and I'm sorry for your turmoil.

gomummy · 05/08/2010 13:32

Wow, multi-xpost!

Original poster
not4anotherday · 05/08/2010 13:33

cyteen Yes that are very good reasons for me not wanting to see her. I would say her does on the whole understand although he does not really know the full story. He feels his loyalty lies with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
not4anotherday · 05/08/2010 13:35

gomummy I think I would regret not seeing him at least one more time but I don't want my DCs upset and I will not let my mother into our lives again. I don't trust her or my older sibling.

OP posts:
Marjee · 05/08/2010 13:38

So sorry to hear this not4. Do you know much about his condition/mobility atm? I'm wondering if you could meet somewhere neutral like a cafe or pub without your mother present? How old are your children?

gomummy · 05/08/2010 13:40

Is your only real option then to try to see him on your own? And if he refuses, it's his choice, at least you would have the "clear conscience" of having made the attempt?

Do you think he would turn you away if you just showed up on your own?

Original poster
not4anotherday · 05/08/2010 13:41

marjee I don't think he will agree to meet without her. MY DC are 8, 5 and a baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
not4anotherday · 05/08/2010 13:42

gomummy No he wouldn't but I would need to make sure she was not there.

OP posts:
Marjee · 05/08/2010 13:56

What a horrible position to be in . I really don't know what I would do in your situation. What is likely to happen if you met with your mother there? Would you both be able to put your issues aside temporarily and be civil for the duration of the visit or would it turn into a slanging match?

sanielle · 05/08/2010 13:57

He is asking to see you. So if it means enough to him he should be understanding. I woudln't being the dc myself though.

Sorry you are going through this

BaronessBomburst · 05/08/2010 14:07

Tell him you're only prepared to see him if she's not there. Take the baby and photos of the other DCs.

pocketmonster · 05/08/2010 14:08

Not4 what an awful situation for you.

Is he well enough to visit you do you think? If so perhaps you could get in touch and say you will pick him up but get your DH to actually do that and have it at your home - perhaps do a meal with him and the DC's.

I personally don't think that the DC's will be damaged - they won't know him very well and death isn't real for children unless they see the person who dies regularly.

I hope you find a way to resolve it.

Broodymomma · 05/08/2010 14:18

I have just been in a similar situation. Unlike your dad though my father was evil to the en and let me to find out by seeing his obituary in the paper.
My whole life since he left I always thought I would dance on his grave one day but it has not been like that. It has been very hard to come to terms with his death and I am left now with so many things unsaid and all my questions left unanswered. The last I saw my dad was in his coffin. I really hope you take this chance to see him. I don't know why you are estranged but I would hate for you to ever be left feeling like I do now.

montmartre · 05/08/2010 14:25

I would be very wary about meeting him tbh.

I think your children could be very confused, upset and hurt by starting a relationship that is not going to have a happy ending.
You haven't said why you have no contact with him, but maybe this is just a way of manipulating you? (I have no contact with my family, except 1 sibling... that is exactly the kind of thing they would do to manipulate me into letting them see my daughter)

Dh's brother and sister only got to know their father in the last 6mo of his ife, and then he died... leaving them v confused and angry, and it is still affecting them now 20years later.

thumbwitch · 05/08/2010 14:26

How far away from them do you live, OP? Would it be possible to see him once on your own, no DC - to see if he could honour your request of "no mother" - and then if he did that, you might consider bringing your DC. But why does he want to see them anyway? They don't know him, he's not going to be able to bond with them in such a short time with infrequent visits.

Start with the meeting being just the two of you and let him know that if anything goes wrong with the visit/meeting then he has blown it, last chance over with.

Original poster
not4anotherday · 05/08/2010 15:08

Thank you all so much for the advice. I have loads to think about. I'll be back with an update. I've given myself a deadline to make a descion (by tommorrow). I feel numb.

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 05/08/2010 15:35

i suppose in the end it comes down to this: is your wish not to see your mother greater than your wish to see your Dad one last time? Only when you know the answer to that will you be able to make the decision. Without knowing what has happened, it is impossible for any of us to really offer advice about whether you should see him or not. The only thing I would say is to look five years into the future. Which would make you feel best: knowing you saw him, despite your mother possibly being around or knowing you chose to avoid her and therefore missed out seeing him? We can each only make the decision that is right for ourselves, but once that decision is made, you should never regret it: you will know you made it for the right reasons.

for you

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