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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

estranged father dying

46 replies

not4anotherday · 05/08/2010 13:18

To cut a very long story short. i have nothing to do with my father, mother or siblings. This is more a WWYD. Please be gentle, am really distressed.

I have found out my dad is dying and has only 6 months to live, he wants to see me and my children along with my mother. I would like to see him but not my mother for my own reasons.

I think if I get in touch and agree to meet just him, he will refuse.

Opinions please.

OP posts:

spiritmum · 05/08/2010 16:41

Not4, am very for you.

I don't know how you feel but my dh is estranged from his mum, for a very, very good reason. When his brother tried to commit suicide we all went to the hospital and dh and my fil saw dh's mum for the first time in years. They were all perfectly civil to each other, left the hospital and that was that - he's never seen her since. My mil has since relocated to another part of the country and dh knows he will never see her again, and he's at peace with that even though he lost his dad recently.

Your mum only has the power to hurt you if you let her. Are you really going to let her hurt you again by being a barrier to seeing your dad? Once you have seen him, even if she's there, you never have to see her again - you won't be letting her back into your life or indeed your mind unless you choose to let her in.

As for your dc, it might be a bit much to fnd a granddad only to lose him again. But that's your call.

My thoughts are with you, whatever you decide.

spiritmum · 05/08/2010 16:44

Not4, my post above was delivered in a very gentle voice...hope it sounds that way.

spiritmum x

WitchyWooWoo · 05/08/2010 17:06

do your dc know hes dying already? this sounds bad but could you take them and not let them know? do they know him as their grandad? if they do, i think you should take them, and say that grandads feeling poorly and would like to see them. in the long run i think it would be best to see him. life is too short and you dont have to make friends again, just be civil and be there for a dying man. Take your dh along or a friend you know and they know.

on another thought, the baby wouldn't know what was going on (im guessing when you say baby you mean under a year old.) leave the older children, take the baby and some photos for your dad to leave with him.

i just think there may be some regret if you don't see your father, and you sound strong enough to be able to do this one time.

thoughts are with you, what a horrible situation.

majafa · 05/08/2010 17:08

I guess what Spiritmum says is true 'your mum can only hurt you if you let her'
Would it be possible to take someone with you for moral support if you decide to go?

diddl · 05/08/2010 17:13

If he doesn´t know your children yet I would be inclined not to involve them at all tbh.

If he will refuse to see you without your mum there, part of me thinks that he isn´t that desperate to see you if it has to be on his terms only.

He might think he wants to see you reconciled with your mum before he dies, but that is surely up to you?

LucyLouLou · 05/08/2010 17:35

This is very difficult. It's a situation that, to some extent, I may face myself one day. I am estranged from my biological father. He is a horrible man who actually appears to hate me. I dread being in a position where I have to make a choice like the one you are currently thinking on.

It's difficult to say what you should do (though tbh it's only really you who can ultimately make this decision anyway) without having a little bit more information. Please don't take that to mean that you have to divulge more because you absolutely don't, I mentioned it mainly to say that any advice here will be quite general and you will have to interpret it as you see fit.

As has been alluded to, the choice comes down to a very simple equation of whether you think it's going to hurt more to see him or to lose the chance of seeing him. I'm not sure including the children would be a good thing, at least at the first meeting (if you do decide to meet), but this is more because I don't think you need the added stress of worrying about them rather than the effect that meeting their GF will have on them.

This might all be engineered because of your mum (either because your dad wants to see you reconciled or perhaps your mum has orchestrated the whole meeting, hard to say), but if you decide you want to meet your dad (which you probably need to do before focusing on the smaller logistics), saying that you want to see him alone will probably tell you how important your mum is in this. The issue of the children can be handled at a later date, it seems too emotionally fraught to involve them in a potential first meeting.

Good luck, please let us know how you get on .

jellyrolly · 05/08/2010 17:58

Not4, what an awful situation your family has put you in. I think you have had a lot of gentle good advice here to think about.

If it was me, I would want to get a few facts together and maybe speak to a doctor to find out what was going on? I know 6 months doesn't always mean 6 months, having been through this with my mother. Of course, this might not be possible or preferable but is said in the WWYD context.

I might also try and speak to my father on the phone, perhaps this is a way of saying some of the things you want to say and hear without your mother being involved and also without you or your father having to chose sides? Not ideal but it might make the decision to have a face to face meeting clearer depending on how the conversation goes?

Have you considered speaking to a bereavement counsellor now, they might have some good advice which would help you later?

Your family have obviously let you down badly and by rights, don't deserve your love or compassion but you are obviously a kind and good person to consider giving any of them a chance to have you in their lives even for a short time. Good luck.

montmartre · 06/08/2010 13:04

How are you today Not4?
Hope you are finding a way to resolve your problem.

dolphin13 · 06/08/2010 14:57

broodymomma I had exactly the same situation as you. My father refused to see any family for the last six years of his life. There was no falling out. He was just a very strange and reclusive person. He died in April. I went to the funeral home and saw him for the last time.
God soprry if my typing is rubbish i can't see through my tears.
nforanotherday please try and see mim. Even if it doesn't go as you hope i think you will regret it if you don't.

Original poster

not4anotherday · 06/08/2010 15:16

I have emailed my dad and explained that I would like to see him but cannot bring my Dcs and do not want my mother to be there. I feel relieved to have made a descion and taken action but depressed at the same time. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:

BarmyArmy · 06/08/2010 15:20

Diddl - "If he will refuse to see you without your mum there, part of me thinks that he isn´t that desperate to see you if it has to be on his terms only."

This isn't necessarily true - there are 2 sides (sometimes more!) to every family conflict and it may be that he sees his daughter (the OP) as being in "the wrong" and doesn't want to pander to any pre-conditions?

Just pointing out a possible explanation other than your own.

All I would say to the OP is that you should try to be okay with your decision in the long-term and, equally as important, go easy on yourself and your family, if at all possible.

equinox · 06/08/2010 16:19

How about just taking your baby and then photos of the two older children.

diddl · 06/08/2010 17:34

That sounds like a good start, OP.

Let us know the outcome.

MrsIndianaJones2 · 08/08/2010 23:41

Hi Not4 - hope that you've had a positive outcome by now.

Just wanted to add my ha'penorth, as I'm in a much much less horrible, but similar situation, and in therapy for it.

You need to work out what will be best for you, not best for everyone else. Lasting peace will only come from treating yourself with respect. If you decide that not seeing your mother is the best way to respect and honour yourself, then you have to let your father know this, and hope he will agree to see you on your own. If he won't see you without your mother there, that's sad, but it's not something you can control. Quietly and calming stating your needs is good for the soul, and it's amazing how often others will respect your wishes! It comes out of my new favouritest phrase of ALL TIME: "Loving someone is teaching them how to treat you - and not making them guess". Tell your pa what you need.

I'm sorry you've had such dreadful news. Hugs.
xxxxxxx

Original poster

not4anotherday · 18/08/2010 21:21

Update

Hi there,

Well my father replied and basically does not want to meet without my mother or my DCs. I then received a horrible email from my mother who had apparently accessed my father's email without him knowing.

I don't know what to believe but do know I have to protect myself and my own family so thats it sadly - I guess.

Thanks for all your replies.

OP posts:

clouddragon · 18/08/2010 21:32

sorry to hear that not4. I would email back and tell him to contact you if he changes his mind and let him know you would have liked to have seen him.

Ignore your mother

Well done for being so strong.

Original poster

not4anotherday · 18/08/2010 21:40

Thanks clouddragon TBH his email wasnt very pleasant, sadly. He basically is disappointed in me - nothing new there. I think for my own sanity I'm going to leave it. I have been quite depressed.

OP posts:

clouddragon · 18/08/2010 21:48

not4 - sorry to hear that you have been feeling depressed. I would use this as an oportinity then to draw a line under it and try and move on.

Sounds like they aren't worth it. My DH has been estranged from his dad at it made all of us much happier. Though at the time it was traumatic, just because people are family it doesnt meant they deserve us.

Hope you start feeling better.

Counselling (even if it hasn't worked before) is always work trying. good luck x

tdsherriff · 09/10/2010 22:02

I have had a very similar situation . Please could you email me [email protected]
I would hate for you to have a life of no closure with your dad. I still have hugh regrets that never have left me even 15 years later. Email me

Tracy

cumfy · 09/10/2010 23:46

On a purely practical point:

Is there anyone you know, who could arrange to visit/meet with your Mum for a couple of hours, say 30 minutes prior to you meeting Dad ?

They can, if need be, keep you appraised of her precise whereabouts.

Not great I know.

SlightlyJaded · 10/10/2010 00:39

I might be wrong but it sounds as though your dad was secretly hoping for some reconciliation between you and your mother - hence the insistance that you meet with her too, and perhaps he thought having your DCs there may soften the past and ease the way forward. If this is his 'dying wish' it might explain his email to you.

I can't advise you what to do as I have not been in a similar situation but the voices of those shouting for you to get some kind of closure, are quite loud...

I agree with the poster who told you that just because yon might have to pass your mother in a hallway or sihare airspace with her for 15 mins, it doesn't mean you ard letting her back into your life. If you think the healthiest and best thing for you is to see your father once more, you should do it regardless.

Good luck

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