To think members of the public should let me make safety decisions for my own children?

[nikki1978]

I am not one of those mums who won't let their child go on a climbing frame alone for fear they might fall off but neither am I neglectful. Yet when out if I let my DC climb on a wall without holding their hand, climb up steep grass verges or do anything that involves the tiniest amount of risk people are forever rushing up to the kids saying are you ok, then looking at me and asking is he/she ok? I am clearly standing there supervising them doing something but personally feel they are having fun doing it and obsessive hovering is not necessary. I often get "oh aren't you brave, I would be terrified to let my DC do that" or "Isn't that a bit dangerous?". Er no it is not dangerous you judgemental, overprotective, giant freak!

Oh rant over

[sophieh123]

Completely loving this thread - in bed in stitches. Thought we were the only ones who let our DD 16 months explore, eat sand, get wet, climb, run, fall on her bum, basically, be a toddler. PLUS can you believe, we let her roam around WITHOUT shoes and socks. Is it really so shocking?? a) she wont keep them on for more than 2 secs, b) is summer and not cold c) she is so used to it that she walks over gravel no probs. d) she v intrepid, independent and was not made to walk over hot coals, e)Am sure i read somewhere that it's good for their feet, please someone back me up on this? f) is really not any one else's business (but from reading this thread is obv that parenting decisions are every busybody's beeswax). BUT everywhere we go, we get really genuinely shocked comments.

PS - my dad was/is complete helicopter(brill phrase)... still thinks is dangerous for me to take things out of hot oven - fine if I was 9 but am 38!!

[sophieh123]

ps - best bit of advice ever given to us was that if you make a fuss of DC every time they have minor ding or fall, they then get conditioned to think they need to cry, fuss, be scared every time something small happens to them, as everyone else does on similar occasions . Obviously i don't mean if head split open, or genuinely horrible incidents, but they really are way more resilient than we give them credit for .

[SpeedyGonzalez]

mrsdeVere - because, clearly, your body heat isn't going to keep your baby warm in the sling, now, is it? Silly moo.

oodse - what worries me is when I hear parents telling their children that they 'can't' climb up somewhere. Every now and then I hear someone saying this to a child who should probably just be given a chance (usually it's a girl, grr) and I want to leap in and say 'let them try!'. But in true benignly neglectful style, I ignore them instead and leave them to be happy with their own parenting decisions.

DH is more cautious than I am - I'm sure it's because I spend more time with the children. So sometimes he'll ask me 'Is that safe?' when I've let DS do something that he wouldn't let DS do. Every time he does this I reply enthusiastically: "No, it's really dangerous; I'm experimenting to see how badly he can mangle his limbs. Stay and watch: it's fun!" He should have learned by now, he really should. Poor thing.

On that score, DS is nearly 4, is very sensible and capable, so when he's in the bath I leave him unsupervised while I pop downstairs to make a cuppa/ put some laundry in the machine - I probably disappear for a couple of minutes at a time. DH finds this very worrying, but I think DS is perfectly fine - he gets into the bath by himself, splashes around, has a gay old time and has never, ever been in danger of drowning. Thoughts, anyone?

[WhoSleptInMyPorridgeAndBrokeIt]

sophieh123 - completely back you up on it's good for their feet issue. Us humans weren't designed by nature to live in cities and wear shoes now, were we. My mum, a paediatrician, used to actually MAKE me walk barefoot when camping in pine woods (twas in Eastern Europe, so no camp sites, all out in the wild). Pine needles are actually nice and soft to walk upon, whereas the cones are ouch, and it's them she was making me go on!

When I first came to the UK I was utterly at the "health and safety" obsession you people have here. (Sorry, Don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings ) Come on, when you're on a bus you kinda expect the doors to open and close, what's all this mad beeping about? Makes you paranoid about the slightest thing.

I recently mentioned to my dad that we had to install stairgates as DS had started to crawl. Had to email him a photo as where I come from people mostly live in flats and don't need stairgates. His responce was, "when you were 7 months old you were eating wasps in the garden. Chill out and stop trying to cage him!"

that said, I know someone who won't let her five-y.o. use the stairs unsupervised...

[TrishCummings]

Blimey, I should probably be shot at dawn, no blindfold allowed. I actually let my children play outside. Without me. Not in the garden...

We have communal space outside the back of our terrace of 7 houses on a v v v middle class estate (private estate no less). I have an enormous window and balcony overlooking this space.

I actually let my children (DD 7 and incredibly sensible and DS 4) play ON THEIR OWN in this public space. Sometimes they take the boy next door (5) with them. HORRORS!

If they come a cropper - trips, falls, arguments , fights (!) then I know about it pretty soon from the howls sailing into the air. They come home soon enough....

I even let them out of my sight for up to 15 mins at a time. On their bikes, cycling up and down the pavement and around the private bits of the estate.

We DO live on a VERY quiet road for London - people don't come here unless they live here or are walking to the local "tourist" woods, which are at the bottom of the estate.

They AREN'T allowed in the woods though (yet ).

[TrishCummings]

SpeedyGonalez - I've been leaving my children in the bath for years now. In fact, they HATE me interfering with their bath times. (Separate baths). I only go in to chivvy them up and administer hair washing/nit checking activities!

[ben5]

mathsmadmummy
you made me laugh about your child might fall when standing on train. i've had this and then say to them if your that concerened about my child falling over then stand up and let him have the seat!!!

[NoSexInOurCity]

On the subject of fear, we do not live in the UK and frequently find ourselves out and about with DD (16 months, cute as a button blondie) and perfect strangers will reach out to fuss over her, even scooping her up to place her in a photo with their own families. It's a cultural thing, we feel proud, not fearful of abduction, and it's nice that here people don't feel the paranoia that is prevalent in the UK. When I go back to the UK it's very hard to readjust my mindset.

[MathsMadMummy]

lol ben5! fantastic response! :o

as it is, since DS was born 11m ago, and we didn't have a double buggy at first, DD (then 2.2) started to assert her independence and would sit at the other end of the bus while I stayed with DS in the buggy. some bus drivers would insist she sat with me, although most were fine, but I do get some really and looks from other passengers - people pointedly looking around for this poor abandoned little girl's mother!

FGS. what exactly could happen?! she can't run/get taken past me to the exit! I'm glad I've let her carry on sitting by herself, she is beautifully behaved and always knows when it's our stop (apart from when she dozes off on the back seat... oops)

[ib]

Speedy, ds1 is 3 1/2 and has been bathing/showering on his own for ages. I stay roughly within earshot and if I hear a big bang check on him - the only danger I can think of is he knocks himself out falling over!

I do nag at him to play calmly if he's being too hyper.

[justj]

I once had a man tell me that too much sugar was the cause of twin 2's minor strop.

I refuse to take dietary advice from a man who was standing in the street eating margarine from a tub with this fingers! No, really, he was.

[justj]

On the H&S advice though, I was telling my M&B group pals about being reasonably calm about letting our toddlers on climbing frames/slides as they are better learning about minor falls whilst wee. (it hurts a lot more at my age than at theirs theory)

the very next week Thing2 fell off climbing frame and broke her collar bone despite it not being very high.

I was standing right next to her but had turned to look at Thing1 and Thing2 managed to fall backwards before I could catch her.

To make matters worse, as she had no obvious injury and is prone to melodrama I did the 'oh you're alright thing' in front of overanxious MIL who never lets them do anything.

I still let them on climbers but no one takes my parenting advice these days

[PennyBenjamin]

Ah, like everyone else, I just love this thread - fantastic to know that I am not the only neglectful relaxed mum out there. I would love to hear what my friends say to each other about me, as they only just manage to cover up their abject horror in front of me! In theory I am totally in favour of benign neglect, but actually it's mostly a practicality - I had two children 15 months apart, and it is physically impossible to helicopter them, unless they are both lashed down!

In addition to the usual climbing/running/not enough clothes/wet issues, I am also always surprised at people's obsession with sterilizing things. One friend was sterilizing all her 12 month old's plates and cutlery - I didn't feel I could point out that she was busy stuffing handfuls of soil into her mouth. And another who would madly sterilize everything, but then carry around a bottle of milk in her bag all day.

And the other thing which astonishes me is how often posters on here advise people to go to casualty - I know it's "better safe than sorry", but if I went to A&E for everything I've seen on here (random temperature/put unknown object in mouth/banged head/etc) I would have a trip there EVERY DAY!

[MathsMadMummy]

I guess with MN though it's because we can't see the child in question, and nobody would want to be 'responsible' for saying 'don't worry they'll be fine' when in fact it is something serious. that'd be an awful feeling.

[LLKH]

Loving this thread. Am 20+2 with our first and it's nice to know that this idea of letting children do things isn't just us .

justj If you have to break a bone, it's better to break it at a young age as bones are very flexible while they are growing. They also remodel and heal faster because of this. Ultimately, your daughter may end up with a stronger collarbone.

I broke mine when I was six and fell off a swing. It put an end to my ballet career, but I learned a v. important lesson: Hold on tight to the swing! Oh, and I still love swings and will go on them if I ever get the chance.

[PennyBenjamin]

I know MMM, and I totally understand that. It's just that I can't help but wonder if there are people out there who DO go to A&E for all these things? I guess I'm just more of a 'keep an eye on them and see if anything happens' person than a 'must go to hospital just in case' person.

[ShowOfHands]

I am of the school of healthy neglect but yesterday I found myself almost saying something to a parent who was letting their child (no more than 3) dance along this wall. He was laughing and taking pics on his mobile. He was not near enough to catch her. It made my stomach turn. But their child, their choice. I just ran away.

[MathsMadMummy]

It'd be good if people trusted their instincts more IMO.

[jinja]

This is BRILLIANT! I'm afraid I am verging on being over-protective. My DH has to (verbally) hold me back sometimes and tells me to let them get on with it. And I know he's right - but it takes willpower. It's good to read these stories and know it's ok to let them be.

Although, flip side, I did once take a metal tea-spoon out of the mouth of a child at a soft play area. He must have been about 2 and was about to launch himself into the toddlers soft area with the spoon in his mouth and I had this vision of it getting rammed down his throat. The carer (don't know if it was parent or grandparent) was sitting at a nearby table reading a paper. I didn't have a go at the woman though - just gave her the spoon back. I mean, just because it happened that once doesn't mean she's neglectful!

[mumbar]

loving this thread.

And just to add a positive me and friend with our 3dc's were trying to go to park for the last 2 days as dc's wanted to go there on bikes. Finally decided this after noon dispite the rain we would go anyway - dc's thought this was great.

Stopped by an elderly gentleman as we were on our way who commented - 'he was glad to see a little bit of drizzle didn't keep the kids inside apparently in his day he was kicked out after breakfast with a picnic lunch and told to be back for dinner.

Now theres an idea

[scoped]

I saw a little girlie (bigger than my dd though) just about to go down a perfectly normal slide on her tummy get a shouted 'no - on your bottom!' from her mother... I very nearly said 'why?'... as it was my dd and i swapped bemused looks before she went down the slide on her tummy!!

[MathsMadMummy]

just out of interest where does the MN jury stand on letting a DC climb up the slide? some people give my DD looks as if to say it's rude. is it? (I wouldn't let her do it if it's raining/muddy, and obviously not if there's a child waiting to slide down) and I keep seeing people stop their kids doing it too. 'no don't do that it's dangerous' oh shut up

she's been climbing up the big slide (over 7ft) since 18m or before, I don't think it's more dangerous than letting her climb a ladder! actually less so because if she slips on the slide, she would, um, SLIDE down surely...

[ButterpieBride]

I had a neighbour knit and bring round a bobble hat because they had seen DD1 out without one. I was grateful at first, but now I wonder if they are watching every time she plays out...

TBF, we have also had shuttlecocks donated when neighbours have seen her using a badminton racket to hit a tennis ball...I think we are the entertainment for the street.

[theyoungvisiter]

I don't let my children climb up the slide personally - not because I think it's dangerous for the child, but more because I think it is rude - sorry! Having said that, I wouldn't give another person's child evils for doing it, I just don't allow my kids.

My reason are...

1. There may not be a child immediately obvious when they start the climb, but often one appears halfway through and then has to wait. The whole point of a slide is that sliding down is fast, so a child climbing up it takes three times as long.
   
   
2. The problem is that once you give them the idea that climbing up the slide is acceptable, they do it when you're not there and it creates huge bottlenecks, and they then get another go at sliding down because they are the first child in the queue when they get to the top, iyswim.
   
   So that's my rule for my kids - slides are for sliding down, ladders are for climbing up. End of. Nothing to do with safety - it's about manners IMO. But as I say, I wouldn't glare at another child for doing it, that's just my feeling.