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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To request my childhood photos (and those of my daughter) from my mother, whom I no longer speak to?

33 replies

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/08/2010 13:27

Bit of background - I no longer speak to my mother, have not done so for 10 months. She didn't raise me (was left with abusive gran, saw my mother a handful of times in childhood) and only got to know her when I was 17. It was a difficult relationship, and to cut a very long story short, we had an argument about a will in October and we have not spoken since.

The will was my gran's - she had died March 2009. Basically she had died intestate, so all money was left to her children (none of whom spoke to her). My mother had said that she would give me some of the money as she felt I was entiteld to a share as I had been raised my my gran as her child. Anyway, she changed her mind about this, and provoked a nasty argument calling me all the names, hence why we have not spoken since.

Anyway, my gran had had loads of photos of me as a child. I do not own any photos of me prior to 16, i would like these photos. I can't imagine my mother would want them as we no longer talk. My mother also has pics of dd which i would like copies of.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for these, and how should I go about it? I don't want her thinking I want anything else from her, least of all the money, so should I write a letter?

Or should I just leave it, as there is a chance that my mother could tell me to get stuffed and will refuse to give them to me, which will probably bring up all the bad feeling again.

OP posts:
cyteen · 04/08/2010 13:32

Hmm, tricky one. Of course YANBU to request them - I would feel exactly the same. But it all depends how much reinstating contact, on however limited a basis, would vex you.

If you feel prepared for any possible reaction from her, then go for it. If the prospect of her being back in your life fills you with dread, leave it (for now anyway).

Writing a letter seems the best way. Short and to the point: Dear XX, I am writing to request copies of X photos and am happy to cover the cost of printing if necessary. Please forward them to X if at all possible. Yours, GetOrf.

indie37 · 04/08/2010 13:34

I wrote to my mother (similar issues) although sort of in touch. She's being a total bitch about the whole thing, sending me about 3 photos every six months, most of which are of my siblings and don't seem to be of me at all. So far I've got about two years worth. It's proving a nightmare and I would so love to be able to show my dd pictures of me at her age, but it's just not going to happen. I'm trying to let it go, but it is annoying. I guess when she dies I may get hold of more.
Sorry, this probably doesn't help you at all, but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

LucyLouLou · 04/08/2010 13:45

I would ask, mainly because this would be of great importance to me and therefore worth the risk that something could kick off.

Two cousins of mine are in a similar position. They have no real contact (or prospect of contact) with their father (who is an asshole) and their lovely mum died many years ago. He has certain items from their childhood (photos, mementos, etc) and despite many requests from the kids in different forms, he won't hand them over and claims in some instances that he doesn't have certain things.

I would ask your mum now, before something like that happens. But tread carefully, don't enter into contact antagonistically. Be nice, but firm. And good luck!

proudnsad · 04/08/2010 13:49

God I really feel you Getorf. I can imagine you are very anxious not to put yourself through all that horrible emotion and poss confrontation again.

I'm not sure about a letter. I'd get someone else to do it, your dp or a good friend? Go round there, get them, go.

But you HAVE to get them, these are so important to you and why should your shitbag of a mother sit on them?

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/08/2010 13:56

Thanks everyone.

My mum herself only had one photo of me as a child (when I was 5, sat bolt upright as a baby in a silver cross pram), but when my gran died we discovered loads of my old school photos and photos of me as a child in Africa etc, which I would love to have.

I should have just asked for them then.

I also am desparate for photos of my dd - mum has got loads, I have got very few (when I moved 18 months ago, DP accidentally took the box of photo albums to the tip, and kept a box of crappy plates. So have hardly any photos of dd as a child, and NONE as a baby).

I don't want to taket he photos of dd away - like I said photocopies would do.

She is however a spiteful woman, and I know she will realise how important this is for me, so can imagine she will refuse.

I think it would be a good idea to ask someone to go round - but I don't realy have anyone to ask. My brother lives in America (mind you, he could ask for me I suppose), and I don't know anyone else who would do it. I live about 150 miles away from my mother, which makes it difficult.

I could ask DP but he has born the brunt of my sadness in the last 10 montsh since me and mum haven't spoken, so think he would probably have words with her. Last thing I want is an argument.

I know it is stupid, but this is really making me upset. I think I am upset at not speaking to her, and just pinning everything on these bloody photos. Silly cow

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 04/08/2010 13:57

NOT when I was 5, I was not in a pram at 5! I was 2ish.

OP posts:
ninedragons · 04/08/2010 14:12

I think an intermediary would keep all heads cooler and you'd be more likely to get what you want.

I think I remember your thread about the photo albums being taken to the tip - how utterly awful for you.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/08/2010 14:27

Yes, I couldn't believe it when I opened up that box of shitty plates and realised with dread that all the photos were gone.

DP was equally gutted as all the photos he owned of his son were in there as well.

I own about 5 photos of dd under tha age of 12, and we have about 3 of my stepson as a child.

OP posts:
sanielle · 04/08/2010 14:36

I had the same thing with my mother OP. She woudln't let me keep them "for sentimental reasons"...emphasis on the mental I think. But we agreed in the end that I coudl make copies and I have all the photos on disk now in high resolution for printing. Not the same.. but something.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/08/2010 14:38

Lol at 'mental'.

Yes, I am hoping that by being reasonable I may be able to take copies.

She can keep the originals to stick pins in if she likes.

I am just worried, I think, of opening up a can of worms.

OP posts:
sanielle · 04/08/2010 14:46

the emotional black mail will probably happen.. Make it seem unimportant to you. but still impose a time linit? DD needs it for a project etc?

ChippingIn · 04/08/2010 15:15

GOML I remember some other threads about your Mum and the situation with your Gran etc and tbh I think if you do ask for them, she will refuse to spite you and may even destroy the photos.

Does your brother have any plans to come over?

Is there anyone you do get on with that has access to her house?

If either of those are 'yes' then personally, I would just go and take them when she's not there. I would never do that with anything of financial value, but with photos I'd do it in a heart beat, especially as you have lost all your others

[Have you asked all of your friends and family and your DD's friends for copies of any photos they might have?]

trainsetter · 04/08/2010 15:22

I read your thread title and thought very hard about what to say as I could be in a similar position in that my mother gave all photos of me to her mother as she had had enough of me. Gran has died so I expect mother has the photos. For me, even though I have very few photos of me as a child, the damage done should I contact my mother is not worth getting the photos tbh.

If you don't ask and therefore never get them, how will you feel?

If you do ask and she says no, denies having them, says she threw them out, how will you feel?

If you ask and get them well, happy days, but is that likely?

I think getting someone else to ask for them could backfire as she may think you are scared of her or worried about asking.

I really hope you get them back.

Gibbon · 04/08/2010 15:25

I would ask, I truly hope she says yes.

for you GOML

montmartre · 04/08/2010 15:33

I had never considered this... I will be in the same boat.

No idea how to resolve, but sending you sympathy and strength.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/08/2010 16:18

Thanks everyone - you are being a real help.

I know it seems daft but I just want those photos. But I don't want to speak or see to her, which I know will be impossible.

Chipping - I actually thought of that, dd is due to visit in a couple of weeks and I thought I would just sneak in an take them. BUT this will put dd in a horrible position, and plus will cause all sorts of shit, I just know it. Plus, morally i would be in the wrong. And for me to do that and be so unreasomable, well I think that is the kind of thing she would relish, would play into her whole 'prfessional victim' persona.

I hardly ever speak to my brother - I love him to bits but we have grown apart (he has lived in California for years and hardly ever comes back, when it does it is only to renew his visa and then he is back to the US within days), and to be honest he does not want to get involved, he has got £ signs in his eyes (which is fair enough, to be honest, he could do with the money).

I would write a letter but I doubt she qwould reply. I think I might just bite the bullet and call the woman.

Thanks again for your help everyone.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 04/08/2010 16:31

Let us know how you get on

How you let your DD go there I'll never know - you are far less selfish than me!

Have you considered going in with DD and asking in person while DD is there? Would she be more reasonable then so DD doesn't think badly of her???

tabouleh · 04/08/2010 16:31

Others may disagree with me, but, I really think that you should explain to your DD and get her to ask.

She will understand why you want the photos and will probably want copies for herself or both her as a younger child and of you as a child.

Your Mother will surely not be able to refuse your DD, since they are obviously on speaking terms.

You could borrow them whilst DD is there and then get them copies and return them when you go to pick her up.

If that doesn't work then I would suggest a follow up letter.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/08/2010 17:01

Chipping - oh no I am selfish, I bloody hate her going down there. She hadn't seen my mum since October and I let her go down there for whitsun week. I want her to still have a relationship with her gran and not get involved in the row.

Anyay, the arrangement was that i would meet halfway at Tiverton, save my driving all the way to mum's house. When I dropped dd off in the station carpark my mother just stalked over, got dd's stuff out the boot and took dd in to teh car she was in. It was horrible - I cried pretty much driving all the way home!

I realised then that our relationship was kaput, and since then have heard (via the good old grapevine) that my motehr has been bad mouthing me to all and sundry. It doesn't really affect my life, the gossip, I live so far away, but is still pretty galling.

I would like to ask dd to ask for the photos on my behalf, but she has picked up on the nastiness and I am pretty sure she would do anything NOT to get involved in it all. But that is a good idea, I think, I will ask her tonight.

Thansk everyonme again

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 04/08/2010 17:14

I find it hard to see how you can want your DD to have a relationship with someone who has treated you the way she has? I can't see how she can be in anyway good for your daughter when she has been nothing but awful to you....

I'm not at all saying you are wrong to do it, not at all - it's a call only you can make - I just can't see why you would want her to still have a relationship with her ....

And you don't have to reply to that either!!

She is such a bitch she really is... it must tear your DD in half to see her being so awful to you.

I'm not bloody suprised you cried all the way home - she's your Mum for godsakes, the one that is always supposed to love you and be there for you - no matter what, not treat you like she does, not like she has your whole life

She really is nasty.

sanielle · 04/08/2010 17:18

Don't undersstand how you would be morally in the wrong to take photos that you have basically had stolen form you already? You should have been given them straight away. Still finding them is a whole other matter.

chipmonkey · 04/08/2010 17:18

GOML

I would probably write a letter if I were you but have no experience in dealing with toxic parents, my own are/were reasonably normal.

Really hope she has something of a conscience and will give them to you.

sanielle · 04/08/2010 17:20

Oh also...if she isn't wallowing over the photos (unlikely in your situation)she won't even know they are missing for ages! And then deny you took them...or sneakily pop them back where you foiund them. If she wasn't being UR you would not be in your situation. Not for her to complain you took something that belonged to you

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/08/2010 17:34

Chipping - are you my DP?

That is exactly what he thinks. It is a bone of contention - he is absolutely astonished that i am still letting dd go down there. he does say (and I can't argue with this) that my mother has harmed and hurt me with her behaviour, and I am a grown woman. He says that i should protect dd because my mother, if she started her tricks, could really hurt dd as much as she has hurt me.

he is right, but what I don't ever want is for dd to say that I ruined her relationship with her gran. They do get on very well and dd loves her.

My mother asked if dd would be allowed to go on holiday with her in October and I said no to that, which dd was fine about. It is like a huge elephant in the room - dd never talks about my mum, I never talk about her. It is so bloody sad. My family life has been shitty anyway, last thing i want is for dd to feel the same.

Sanielle - I know what you are saying about the photos, why would she miss them? According to dd though the photos of me are still up on the wall. There is a lovely one of me and dd together, when dd was there in witsun she took a photo of it with her mobile, it is still on the kitchen wall as it was in october when i was last there.

More I think about it the more I know she will not give them to me.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 04/08/2010 17:51

Just had a quick check - still have the wrong plumbing to be anyone DH

I can see both sides of it (DH's (mine!!) and yours)... very, very difficult.

I can't see why your M has photos of you around the house then treats you like this? It's bizarre.

Is there anyway DD can say she would like to take the photos and get them copied, not bringing you into it?

Are there just a few or are their albums as well?

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