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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To request my childhood photos (and those of my daughter) from my mother, whom I no longer speak to?

33 replies

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/08/2010 13:27

Bit of background - I no longer speak to my mother, have not done so for 10 months. She didn't raise me (was left with abusive gran, saw my mother a handful of times in childhood) and only got to know her when I was 17. It was a difficult relationship, and to cut a very long story short, we had an argument about a will in October and we have not spoken since.

The will was my gran's - she had died March 2009. Basically she had died intestate, so all money was left to her children (none of whom spoke to her). My mother had said that she would give me some of the money as she felt I was entiteld to a share as I had been raised my my gran as her child. Anyway, she changed her mind about this, and provoked a nasty argument calling me all the names, hence why we have not spoken since.

Anyway, my gran had had loads of photos of me as a child. I do not own any photos of me prior to 16, i would like these photos. I can't imagine my mother would want them as we no longer talk. My mother also has pics of dd which i would like copies of.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for these, and how should I go about it? I don't want her thinking I want anything else from her, least of all the money, so should I write a letter?

Or should I just leave it, as there is a chance that my mother could tell me to get stuffed and will refuse to give them to me, which will probably bring up all the bad feeling again.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 04/08/2010 17:56

LOL do you ever hit the post button and just see the glaring errors as it shoots away from you?

Just for the pedants who are lurking and glaring - I do know it's 'there' not 'their' and various other glaring errors such as anyone's DP...or actually it should probably be 'anybody's DP'....

Tough really... bugger off to Pedant's corner - with or without your apostrophy!

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/08/2010 17:57

There are no albums - just pics on the wall or in drawers.

I think the photos of me as a kid are in a box somewhere, last I knew they were in the hoover cupboard.

No I don't know why she would keep a load of pics of me even though I am public enemy number 1 in her eyes. mind you, she has a photo of an ex friend on her fridge (they last spoke when the spice girls were in their heyday ) and has carried around a photo of her mum in her wallet since the funeral, despite the fact that she hadn't spoke to her in over 25 years when she died.

Strange.

Thanks Chipping for letting me see anotehr perspective, it is actually very helpful. i have always thought that DP was unreasonmable in his firm view that my sending dd down there was a bad thing, so it's quite a revelation that someone agrees with him. I don't speak about this to anyone other than DP in real life because, well, it's a bit of a sad (in both meanings of the word) story. So thanks you have been really helpful

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 04/08/2010 18:21

I can understand why you don't talk to many people about it IRL, because it is very sad, but it's just as sad that you don't have any friends that you talk to about it/life.

Still, you've got us lot!

If you want to talk anymore - you know where to find me

Let me know how you get on with the photos x

tabouleh · 04/08/2010 22:34

GetOrf I just had a brainwave!

What about if you buy a portable photo scanner?

Then your DD can take it with her and ask to scan the photos.

I can imagine that asking to take them/copy them could lead to problems re "will they be safe/when will I get them back" etc etc.

Surely she could not object to your DD going round the house scanning them?

loopyloops · 04/08/2010 22:53

Was about to suggest something but Tabouleh got there first! Or even a laptop and scanner if you can't get hold of a portable one.

cyteen · 05/08/2010 10:07

As to why she keeps the photos on display: my horrible wanker of a grandad spent his entire life undermining my dad (his son), being openly vile and destructive towards him and generally being a complete twat. Yet when my mum's dad dared to suggest that mum was marrying beneath her, wanker grandad had a fist fight with him (at the wedding ), because how very dare someone else impugn his son.

Everyone who knew my grandad as more than a passing acquaintance knew what a wanker he really was, but after he died my dad met any number of casual drinking buddies who would say 'oh what a shame, poor [name], he was the life and soul of the party, always doing good deeds, always got his round in'. This about the man who was too tight to provide his son with suitable school clothes, meaning my dad had to do several years of grammar school in shirts that rode up his arms like the Hulk's and a pair of men' shoes stuffed with tissue paper.

For people like this, it's easier to maintain an image of caring, decent person than it is to actually be one. Your mum may feel that by displaying photos of you and carrying round her mother's picture, she's fulfilling her obligations as decent daughter and mum.

Sad, very sad, all round

GetOrfMoiLand · 05/08/2010 10:41

Chipping - thanks very much! I don't mean to come across as a woe is me type, saying i have got no friends to talk to, I must seem like a billy no mates! I do have 2 close friends who know the whole situation, however I really don't like talking about it to anyone. I think I just want to get throgh life without admitting to such a wierd background.

Cyteen - yes that is exactly what my gran was like, pictures everywhere, painted the picture of a devoted and caring woman, even though not one member of her family spoke to her. She had 5 kids, and raised me as her own, yet all of us left in the end and none of is spoke to her as an adult. We don't speak to each other! Destructive parents end up destrying all relationships that surround it.

i don't think me and my mum had a chance really. She is the product of her upbringing, one thing I have got to be vigilant about it NOT repeating the pattern with my own beloved dd. The thought of her growing up, and us having a row and never speaking again. I cannot think of anything worse.

That photo scanner is a brilliant idea, I have got a printer with a scanner/phot print option, I might get dd to go down there and scan them all, she would not be able to object to that. Great idea thanks oh wise ones!

I told DP about this thread last night, to be honest he looked rather aghast by it and advises caution. What he is worried about is if I speak mum and she kicks off, and I get down about it again (think was in a state last October when it happened, felt very down for months, was just feeling a bit more sanguine about things when dropped DD down at whitsun and got all upset again).

Thanks everyone for listening, you have realy helped

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 05/08/2010 22:57

I can understand why your DH would feel the way he does, however, I think with the photos it's something you need to do, more so since losing the others. You just have to stay strong x

I'm here anytime you want to talk - I'm never too far away oops - should be ...

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