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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my good friend to be more enthusiastic/politeabout our new house?

59 replies

notasize10yetbutoneday · 04/08/2010 08:54

DH & I have bought a new house which needs complete renovation/redecoration, which we are in the process of doing. We have re-decorated both bathrooms, the hall,stairs and landing and 2 of the bedrooms so far.

We had 2 of our very good friends (a couple) round for dinner last night and showed them the house, which they hadn't seen since we first bought it (ie they hadn't seen the renovations).

Im now feeling really quite upset- irrationally so I know-as my friend (the woman of the couple)just was very lukewarm indeed about the house and the work we've done on it, despite knowing what a big deal it is to us. She even made what I felt to be a couple of barbed comments about the new bathroom, saying "Its different- very striking and "its not the kind of thing i thought you would have gone for".

Just to put it in context, the bathroom is tiled with grey tiles and dark grey tiled floor- not luminous pink with yellow spots or anything!!!

I feel so upset by her lack of enthusiasm about this and the rest of the house. Its not like I expected them to walk in, and fall to their knees in awe or anything but I feel really affronted, and that they could have been a lot more enthusiastic or at least polite, even if something isn't to their taste. Their house isn't my taste, as its very, very minamilist, but whenever they have had something done to the house I always ooh and ahhh over it- as I know they like it and its the done thing, surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
notasize10yetbutoneday · 04/08/2010 09:36

I know- I dont know why I 'need' other people to like it as well- we do and thats what matters- need to give myself a talking-to!

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 04/08/2010 09:41

I think it is rude not to make a few polite noises and share in the enthusiasm.

It is like my SIL who chose awful names for her children and I said how lovely because I am polite and you are not rude about names people have chosen for their child - it still rankles that she did not extend me the same courtesy.

BaronessBomburst · 04/08/2010 09:53

So your friend has no imagination, a boring house, bad manners and is a bit tactless? You ought to be feeling superiour!

My best friend hates my house and garden. Doesn't stop him coming round regularly and sitting in it though. He also insisted that we'd have problems selling our flat unless we white-washed the blue Moroccan-style hall. It sold for the asking price within a few weeks. His bland beige property is still for sale two years later. Even the estate agent described it as 'completely forgettable'!

BaronessBomburst · 04/08/2010 10:02

Fanjo - your SIL sounds a nightmare!

laquitar · 04/08/2010 10:06

New house is like pregnancy and new baby. Very exciting for us, but sometimes boring for our friends. Don't take it so seriousely.

Enjoy your new house.

Original poster
notasize10yetbutoneday · 04/08/2010 10:14

Baroness i love the sound of your hallway. We are going to Marrakesh in September and I just know im going to cvome back with lots of stuff from the souks hand-crafted pieces from local artisans.

OP posts:
LadyThompson · 04/08/2010 10:16

Aw, don't let her taint it for you. We bought a shed of a house at the end of last year, and it needed gutting, a new roof etc - we are just trying to get it finished in time for the birth of DC2 at the end of Sept, but that's another story. MIL and her husband have failed to say anything nice about it all along. Last week they saw it for the first time in months, and it has had a LOT of work done on it since then. All MIL's DH said was "Hm. Don't sweep up after yourselves, do you?" I know it's hard when people don't share your enthusiasm, or at least say SOMETHING nice out of love for you, even if they don't share your taste - but let's face it, there are a lot of people out there who can't be arsed to waste their emotional energy on even a shred of empathy for others...Enjoy your house, bet it's lovely.

BaronessBomburst · 04/08/2010 10:22

Ooooh! Can I come too? Our new house is a bit more conventional looking but I'm going to town with the shed summerhouse in the garden. Or at least I will if DH ever gets around to fixing the door.

Was planning to go to Marrakesh for weekend with SIL but she got pregnant, then I did, now she is again. Now we won't ever have the time or money.

comixminx · 04/08/2010 11:08

I wouldn't have thought that her comments "Its different - very striking and "its not the kind of thing i thought you would have gone for" were barbed, so much as trying to be polite in the face of not actually liking what you've done. Certainly it's the sort of thing I would tend to come out with when trying to say something in that situation!

2blessed2bstressed · 04/08/2010 11:46

She sounds a bit jealous, don't let it bother you - it's your home and you're happy in it, and that's all that's important.

MrsC2010 · 04/08/2010 13:22

We have a close friend who is the same, he is physically incapable of being nice about anything. On moving into our new house (old cottage type place) he walked around literally with his lip wrinkled, ostentatiously ducking through doorways etc before laughing and saying "bijou, isn't it!". DH just laughed and said that yes, it was pretty cute...identical to the place said friend had just moved out of. (Same row of cottages.)

Anyway, I find it really rude as he always does it and in my eyes it isn't 'done', but DH has known him since school and insists that his parents were somewhat odd and it is just his manner.

whitemonkey · 04/08/2010 20:29

Just bad manners. Some people are either jealous or just dont have the social skills.It is very annoying but rise above it and pity them their bad manners/taste!

womblingfree · 04/08/2010 20:58

Perhaps she felt that as you are good friends she could be honest, it doesn't sound too tactless to me tbh. That said, I have made similar comments when my best mate has asked my opinion on things previously - we more or less grew up together and our mums were best friends too until her mum sadly died when we were 11. In spite of all that history I have learnt that she can be pretty sensitive so I tend to keep my opinions to myself even when asked for them these days!
It doesn't matter what other people think anyway - as you said yourself, her decor isn't to your taste so why should it be any different the opposite way round?

KERALA1 · 04/08/2010 21:21

Ooh how annoying YANBU at all. BIL and his girlfriend didnt say one word when looking around our recently purchased "forever" house. I just know that when they get their first place we will be expected to enthuse and gush over it.

What also grates me is the people that look around and say "its got potential". Grr we werent planning on doing anything else to it actually you clot. Alot of people nowadays seem to think that unless everything is ripped out and brand new and you have a barnlike kitchen complete with sitting room bit your house is incomplete. Our house is old and gracious and couldnt face doing that to it even if I could afford it.

rubbersoul · 04/08/2010 21:58

When my friend recently bought her first house I completely gushed when she showed me around. I was really chuffed for her and it's a lovely house. There's a tiny part of me that is jealous (we just can't afford the deposit to buy yet) but that didn't stop me from saying how much I liked it and how well they had done

echt · 04/08/2010 21:59

YANBU. I have only one thing to say about any friend's house: "Oh what a lovely view/garden/ bathroom. No matter what I think.

It's the same with pregnant women: "You look so well."

Anything else is rude and uncalled-for.

tokyonambu · 04/08/2010 23:11

"surely people can at least feign some manner of enthusiasm"

They probably can. In my experience, what really happens is that you are shown around a house ("Would you like to see upstairs?" "Whatever for?") and mutter vaguely about how horizontal the floors are and how much more convenient it is to have four walls rather than three and a gap. After a while, you're expected to say "what you really think", at which point the last thing being asked for is what you really think, as that would be "please make it stop".

Looking at other people's houses is on a level with looking at other people's holiday photographs: an outer circle of hell. Anyone who wants to show you around their house should simply show you the invoices for the work, just as people who enclose self-absorbed round-robin letters with Christmas cards should be honest and just send their payslips.

The inner circles, by the way, are other people's children's school reports (why? please God, why?) and other people's holiday videos (at which point you start praying the gas fire is leaking carbon monoxide, so your death will be painless and your cheeks a rosy pink).

pointydog · 04/08/2010 23:18

yanbu even though I'm the sort of person who really really dislikes having a guided tour of someone else's diy/renovations. Personally, I find it dull.

But if this is a very good friend and she hasn't seen any of the new decor, she should be able to put on a smile, an interested face and a 'mm that's lovely' because she knows it would make you feel good.

cat64 · 04/08/2010 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ButterpieBride · 04/08/2010 23:36

Ooh, when we moved into this house (rented, but we love it), DPs auntie came, looked round, and said:

"well, I suppose it is as much as you can expect, it will do you for now"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is posher than any house I ever lived in with my PARENTS. It is almost the same (same design but without the extension) as the house that DP grew up in and his parents still live in, on the same block. It is beautiful.

pointydog · 04/08/2010 23:42

oh gawd, I would not expect a friend to be honest with me about what she thought of my new decor and diy. No no no. Why on earth would I want anyone to come in and tell me they were not that keen on my newly-decorated house?!

SpeedyGonzalez · 04/08/2010 23:48

You know what? I actually think it's nice to show happiness for your friends when they are sharing something meaningful with you.

So I think your friends should have shown more enthusiasm. They don't have to fall on their knees begging to swap houses with you, but an enthused comment on how much better the place looks, what a good job you've done of renovating it - anything like that is both truthful and encouraging.

tokyonambu · 04/08/2010 23:58

"it's nice to show happiness for your friends when they are sharing something meaningful with you"

Except they're not. People don't drag their friends around their houses in order to "share something meaningful". They do it to demonstrate that they are possessed of more taste and more money than the people being dragged.

SpeedyGonzalez · 05/08/2010 00:07

tokyo, I thought the point of the OP showing their friends around was to show how they are transforming their house from a former hovel. And that, I'm sure, is meaningful to them.

I must say, one of my good friends (v well off) did this in their mahoosive home many years ago (we lived in a matchbox at the time) and I wasn't too impressed. But the friendship means too much to me for me to give a 'meh' response. Nobody's perfect, so I can forgive that one transgression.

sunnydelight · 05/08/2010 02:56

If something is important to a friend then the least you can do is show some enthusiasm so YANBU to be upset.

One of my closest friends has just bought a house and texted me this morning to ask if I wanted to come see it at lumchtime. She is massively excited. I've cancelled lunch plans and I am going to go and bloody well rave about the place with her no matter what I think of it because it is really important to her and I have no intention of pissing on her parade

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