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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to turn down mortgage free living?

45 replies

tooproudortoostupid · 03/08/2010 20:43

I will try to be brief!

DH, me and our DC live about 150 miles from his family in one direction and 150 miles from mine in the opposite direction.

We manage just fine - there are plenty of jobs round here (primarily why we moved her) and therfore we are lucky that DH has a good job that is only a 10 minute walk from home. He is here in the morning, comes home for lunch and gets home at 5.30.

My parents aren't short of money, my Dad recently bought out a house where they live to rent out but then out of the blue said to us that if wanted to live in it for free, we could. It turns out that he would sign over the deeds of the house to us and we would own it outright if that's what we decided to do.

DH and I have talked and talked and talked about this. BUT, we've decided against it - we would have to relocate to where they live, there aren't many jobs there and both of us would have long commutes to work and the job prospects wouldn't be great.

There is also a certain amount of pride in that we love our house and want to continue paying our own way, even though our mortage is whopping (£1300 a month, as I'm being totally honest here).

Anyway, I just wondered what others would do in this situation, are we completely bonkers, or does it make sense to stay put?

OP posts:
CMOTdibbler · 03/08/2010 20:46

I'd be staying put too - having jobs you like, and that are really convenient is fantastic. If you were just scraping by/struggling for money, it would be different maybe

MixedNutPlate · 03/08/2010 20:47

The Pro's in your post certainly seem to out weigh the Con's so IMO your NBU.

minibmw2010 · 03/08/2010 20:49

I think I'd be staying put for now .. you are an independent family, with your jobs and lives. If things got difficult I assume the house may be there for you in the future? Something about this sounds almost like bribery on your fathers part to ensure your family lives nearer to them and not your in-laws, sorry if that is wrong.

geordieminx · 03/08/2010 20:50

There's no such thing as a free lunch.... or house.

I think you are very wise.

Perhaps you have a fantastic relationship with your parents, but you really wouldnt want to be in a postion of "while you are living under our roof, after all we have done for you" yadda yadda yadda would you.

zingzillachinchilla · 03/08/2010 20:51

YANBU - stay put! Jobs you love, and that are convenient, are like gold dust so my advice is to stick with it.

What a generous gesture from your family, too - remember to thank them very much!

I'm sure if you ever need help from them, then they will come to your aid. Right now, cherish them!

MrsRhettButler · 03/08/2010 20:51

if you can afford to stay where you are and you are happy there then yanbu

i, on the other hand, could not imagine turning down a free house! but thats me and my situation is very different, you have to do whats best for you and your family

LaDiDaDi · 03/08/2010 20:52

Agree exactly with geordieminx.

I would however be very careful about how you say no, could be tricky.

PotPourri · 03/08/2010 20:54

yanbu. Not sure what I would do. Think there is more room for regret if you uprooted though, so good on you for sticking with it

Original poster
tooproudortoostupid · 03/08/2010 20:58

minib, my Dad is very open about the fact that there would obviously be something in it for them too - we would be closer, which they would like.

I think he sees it as win win and don't think he;s trying to be covert or manipulative about it.

I agree about the "our house" thing too. My Mum makes herself very much at home when she comes to visit and it can be really difficult sometimes. I genuinely don't think I could cope with living in a home that was "ours" but also theirs, IYSWIM.

OP posts:
frenchfancy · 03/08/2010 21:01

YANBU - Stay where you are happy.

violethill · 03/08/2010 21:13

I agree with the others about staying put.

And although I accept that your father isn't being underhand about it, it is rather a strange thing to do, tbh, when you really think about it. To buy a house, ostensibly to rent out, and then to offer it to your married daughter and her husband free of charge, when they live 150 miles away, and are happily settled in jobs and their own house.. even offering to sign over the deeds... do you see what I'm getting at? Even if your father is being upfront about wanting you nearer, then it is actually putting a lot of pressure on your family unit. If he feels strongly about wanting to be nearer, why doesn't he relocate nearer to you? Clearly money is no object. At your stage of life with jobs and children, the last thing you need is to be uprooted. It just seems an extreme length for him to go to.

Original poster
tooproudortoostupid · 03/08/2010 21:17

Violet - that's what DH said! Why don't they just move here? BUt of course they will say they have their lives. As do we!

Thinking of suggesting that they spend some of the rental income on the house renting somewhere here or something, if they are desperate to see more of us!

OP posts:
violethill · 03/08/2010 21:22

Well that confirms that you've made the right decision tooproud! If they feel that they don't want to uproot themselves, then why on earth would they expect you to?

The idea of them using some of their money to make life easier when they want to see you is a good one. If you already find your mum takes over when they come to stay, you could suggest that rent a cottage for a week (if it's the sort of area you can do that) or splash out on a hotel. They clearly have the money, so it would make sense to use it like that - best for everyone

BeenBeta · 03/08/2010 21:27

Sounds to me like your dad wants to gie the house away to reduce the potential inheritance tax bill - but if he wanted to do that he could just give the money to you.

Even better giving cash to grandchildren in trust (eg to pay school fees) has all sorts of tax advantages.

Not sure why if he wants to gve you something it has to be that house near where they live.

Dont move. There are strings attached.

Original poster
tooproudortoostupid · 03/08/2010 21:28

I agree violet. My Dad basically said - well, you will inherit it anyway, so you might as well have it now, while it benefits all of us. I can see the logic in that to a certain extent, but there are not guarantees that we would inherit anything at the end of the day, and DH and I have never planned our lives on the basis that we will.

He's also obsessed with how "unfair" it is that our 3 bed house cost a fortune in comparison to their massive house. But then as my friend said, if he's that desperate to help, what doesn't he just help out with our existing mortgage. Not that we'd expect him to, but that just seems more logical.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/08/2010 21:29

we will take it, thanks

Original poster
tooproudortoostupid · 03/08/2010 21:30

anyfucker

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/08/2010 21:31

I agree with previous posters

no such thing as a free lunch

Original poster
tooproudortoostupid · 03/08/2010 21:34

Ok, thank you all.

It seems we are not completely crazy after all.

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 03/08/2010 21:38

Poor you (I mean it, not sarcastic at all). It's like winning the lottery and then realising you were kind of doing ok as things were...

I can see why you would turn it down... pride! We all work hard to pass exams, find jobs, keep jobs, build a home and then to have that taken away would almost pull the rug from under me.

So I think you are doing the right thing to turn it down (very very graciously, of course). Do you have DCs? Can you use the excuse (reason) of them being really settle din school (there is evidence that if a child moves school, it effects their education by about 18 months to two years).

And, it would be very different if you inherited it; the decision as to what to do with it would you yours (sell, rent, leave empty, move into...)

Say you can't possibly leave the life you have made for yourselves.

But could you have it to rent out (via an agent, of course, who wants the hassle of collecting rent and mendig leaky loos?)

SugarMousePink · 03/08/2010 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tooproudortoostupid · 03/08/2010 21:41

Thanks nonnomum,

We have two DC but they are one baby and one pre-schooler.

I don't think it's an option to have it to rent out - my Dad was quite clear that if we were to have it signed over to us we would have to live in it, and for some time as well. Which is a whole other hornets nest really - we couldn't just move in and see how it went and move away if we didn't like it.

I think we will just be straight with them - we are very happy here, we don't want to move.

OP posts:
Original poster
tooproudortoostupid · 03/08/2010 21:43

Sugarmouse - that is exactly the crux of the issue. We would see DH so much less, yes my family would be around, but they wouldn't be there at breakfast and bedtime. DH would only see the DC at the weekend. If I worked too (currently do 3 days a week) then neither of us would be getting home til 6.30/7. We are so lucky to not be in that situation at the moment - that's why we moved here!! It seems too much to sacrifice.

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 03/08/2010 21:46

Ok - so not at school, but say you have their names down for a brilliant school down the road with fab OFSTED (what, are they going to check??)

And you are both pillars of the local community and are thinking of standing for the local Council next year?

And are completely rampant and have to (you know) every lunch time? (maybe not that one?)

And have a deep-seated phobia of removal vans?

Lindax · 03/08/2010 21:49

YANBU

Its lovely that they want you and their gc closer, but too many strings for me as I would feel obliged to stay in the area "forever" and would feel restricted.

This is someone who stays 7 miles from mum & dad and don't expect to move further away unless circumstances force it, but thats completely my choice.

What if you or dh had a job opportunity in a few years which would mean selling your home that they paid for and moving - very awkward!

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