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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to turn down mortgage free living?

45 replies

tooproudortoostupid · 03/08/2010 20:43

I will try to be brief!

DH, me and our DC live about 150 miles from his family in one direction and 150 miles from mine in the opposite direction.

We manage just fine - there are plenty of jobs round here (primarily why we moved her) and therfore we are lucky that DH has a good job that is only a 10 minute walk from home. He is here in the morning, comes home for lunch and gets home at 5.30.

My parents aren't short of money, my Dad recently bought out a house where they live to rent out but then out of the blue said to us that if wanted to live in it for free, we could. It turns out that he would sign over the deeds of the house to us and we would own it outright if that's what we decided to do.

DH and I have talked and talked and talked about this. BUT, we've decided against it - we would have to relocate to where they live, there aren't many jobs there and both of us would have long commutes to work and the job prospects wouldn't be great.

There is also a certain amount of pride in that we love our house and want to continue paying our own way, even though our mortage is whopping (£1300 a month, as I'm being totally honest here).

Anyway, I just wondered what others would do in this situation, are we completely bonkers, or does it make sense to stay put?

OP posts:

activate · 03/08/2010 21:51

you're doing the right thing statying put and living your own lives

Firawla · 03/08/2010 21:55

YANBU i wouldnt do it either, its a tempting offer obviously because its a free house, but too many strings attached and not worth giving up your life where you are at the moment, settled and happy with everything. As someone said its kind of a bribe really, if they want to help out then help with the current house rather than "live in this house, and for a long time" if they were open with the idea you could have chosen your own house in that area, if you were interested, rather than have them select the exact one for you which may be a bit controlling
we have this a bit from fil, wants to "buy us a house" however i feel it would be tying ourselves into a lifetime of "you are under my roof" - all about control
sometimes your own independence and control over your life is worth the money, we are paying same as you but on rent not mortgage, and it is totally worth it for the freedom of that you pay your own and your do not so much "owe" someone, more free to make your own decisions without money and houses thrown back in your face every 2 minutes

Original poster

tooproudortoostupid · 03/08/2010 22:01

Thanks Firawla.

My Dad isn't too bad with the ownership thing, but I think my Mum would always see it as their house which they gave us, it would never be our house.

For example, for my 30th birthday my parents gave us some money which we put towards redecorating our lounge and gettting a new carpet in there. The carpet got a small stain on it and I was telling my Mum about it and she said "which carpet? the carpet we bought you?" and got a bit uppity about it.

I know she;s right, they did give us the money, but I didn't think of it as "the carpet they bought us". I can't quite explain it!

OP posts:

LadyBiscuit · 03/08/2010 22:07

I wouldn't do it either. I am in the midst of selling my flat in London to move to somewhere far from my parents (not deliberate, just that we can get more house for our money whereas my parents live in prime commuter territory) and my mum has dropped several subtle and not so subtle hints about us moving there. But that's not what I want. I want freedom and not to live in a titchy house with a huge mortgage. Stick to your plans. And if you're feeling cheeky, why not suggest to your dad that he pays off some of your mortgage?

nickschick · 03/08/2010 22:13

I think that your Dad is wisely using his money to your advantage to avoid any unpleasantries later in his life (im not being nasty but by getting rid of his cash in a viable way means he has less cash to fund nursing home care).

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 03/08/2010 22:31

It is an incredibly kind gesture by your parents and I can see both sides, wanting to help you out financially, seeing more of the children etc, but yanbu to accept this offer, as you need to 'plough your own furrow' and retain your independence.

I would ignore the suggestions that they are somehow buying your future involvement as ime money has nothing to do with supporting your parents in old age, it's just based on love and need.

A bit like being a parent actually.

I am sure your parents will understand this decision as they once wore your shoes too.

NonnoMum · 03/08/2010 23:05

And don't get me wrong; living near parents isn't a bad thing as such, it's just that you would have your autonomy taken away by accepting the offer.

ChippingIn · 03/08/2010 23:13

How about this - moving in there for a year, rent free, but not having it signed over to you - to see how it goes. If it works out OK he can sign it over to you and if it doesn't you are free to move away... it will give you a year to save some money and your parents a year with you, DH and the children....

ravenAK · 03/08/2010 23:15

YANBU.

What would happen if you moved in, & then a year later one of you was offered a dream job 500 miles away, say?

Can't see your parents being enormously happy about you selling up 'their' house & buggering off!

It'd just create tensions & resented obligations all round.

Do they live anywhere that would make the house a viable holiday let? Then they could offer you first dibs each year on agreed stays?

tabouleh · 03/08/2010 23:29

OP - your carpet story tells me everything I need to know: YANBU.

Your parents did not not give you a carpet. They gave you a birthday gift of some money. You bought a lounge carpet.

Money with strings attached is always problematic.

I have had to tell my parents and parents-in-law that while they are very welcome to give us some £ - if they do so then we will decide what to use it for.

EG - my Dad has muttered in the past that I need a new car and that "when I get one he will give me some £ towards it". No - if he has spare £ he would like to gift, then fine, but we will decide when and how to spend it. Ditto with FIL and the fact that he thinks we should have a new drive - well we are doing up the inside of the house first thanks!

TBH 150 miles is not far - can you negotiate how often you see your parents - are they wanting to see more of you and DC?

Your parents are trying to control you with money - don't let them!

UndomesticHousewife · 03/08/2010 23:59

I think you're right to stay put, as you have said, if he wanted to help out he could have given you the money.
And the whole 'you'll inherit it anyway' yes absolutely but you haven't been given any choice on what to do with your 'inheritence'. At least if you actually inherited the house you could sell it and pay off your mortgage or do what benefits your family at the time.

Definitely no such thing as a free lunch, and this isn't the gift it first appears to be I don't think.

Original poster

tooproudortoostupid · 04/08/2010 08:35

Chipping - we thought about doing it for a year.

But we'd have to leave our jobs here, and rent out our house. We don't want to do either thing really, it's a pain going trough interviews etc, and the renting thing, well we've just done up this house exactly who we want it (see new carpet story!) and we don't want other people living in it for a year and it getting wrecked. Not that it definitely will, but this is very much our home and I don't think we can bear the thought of renting it out.

OP posts:

LIZS · 04/08/2010 08:50

If his motive had been to help you out or avoid IHT by such a scheme (may or may not be successful depending how long he outlives the gift) he'd have let you have input into what he bought and where - he hasn't. It is a fait accompli and would involve you compromising and he having control not only of the property but your family too.

Original poster

tooproudortoostupid · 04/08/2010 11:57

Thanks Lizs, DH also mentioned that about us not having input into the house.

OP posts:

MaPrentice · 04/08/2010 12:15

you know you're making the right choice OP. re the carpet story and your Mum making herself at home in your house - if you did move into the house they want to give you, I imagine your Mum would make herself even more at home and perhaps be keen to preserve the house the way it is or have a say in what you do to it / how it is kept. Your parents sound lovely and well-intentioned but it's pretty clear that this is not what you want.

And I don't think you have to make up excuses - you love your home, you love your area and your jobs and the commute is easy, you get time together. So moving is not something you want to do, but thank you for your very generous offer.

TrillianAstra · 04/08/2010 12:22

You're right to not move to a place you don't want to live just because the house would be free.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 04/08/2010 12:25

You're definitely right to do what you're doing. A good job ten minutes from home is a fantastic thing to have, and taking the house would complicate all sorts of things including your relationship with your parents.

I too don't think you need to make up excuses. You are happy and settled where you are and you and your DH both have jobs that you love. Anyone could understand why you wouldn't want to move 150 miles away.

Original poster

tooproudortoostupid · 04/08/2010 15:34

Thank you everyone, I'm really glad about the consensus on here

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 04/08/2010 16:36

It does sound like you have made a decision and a good one at that. Try to let your Dad down gently, I know he's being a bit controlling, but it's just because he loves and misses you. You'll miss that one day.

withorwithoutyou · 04/08/2010 22:29

NBU - it's easy to see the pound signs, but there's much more to it than that.

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