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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bringing someone I don't know to my wedding - is she BU?

44 replies

JaneS · 03/08/2010 11:37

I don't know who's BU here. I thought I'd done pretty well at solving problems, but my aunt seems to think that she's made loads of compromises and has been put out. I'm just going to get it off my chest if that's ok.

My aunt has apparently found planning to attend my wedding 'very stressful'. When we were picking the date, we went with the weekend when she'd just got back from holiday (as opposed to during her holiday). She doesn't like driving at night (there are trains between my place and London until very late, and also buses through the night, but she doesn't fancy either, no idea why). So dad booked her into a hotel.

Our original church canceled on us, and the new one is about five minutes' walk from her hotel - pure coincidence, but convenient, I'd think. Apparently she was still annoyed at the change of plan because she'd already looked at a map.

She sent me her dietary preferences (as opposed to requirements), but that's fine. Now, her daughter is 16, and I was going to put her to sit with my younger brother and his girlfriend, and some nice friends of mine who will chat to her. She'll be the youngest person there by a few years. Apparently, when my aunt and uncle go on family holidays, they always bring a friend as company for my cousin, who's an only child. Early on in the planning, I vaguely suggested my cousin might want to bring a date (no idea about teenage dating but it seemed polite). Cousin said she wouldn't. My mum now says that my aunt is planning to bring a friend of my cousin's, and will be put out if she can't be there.

I admit, I would have no problem with this if it were anyone else, and I'm sure the restaurant could cope with someone else. I just feel she's being pushy and there's no need - and I suspect she is doing partly just to show she's been put out. And ffs, does a 16 year old really need 'company' to cope with a meal out?

OP posts:
JaneS · 03/08/2010 11:39

Eek. Sorry for the essay.

What I think she thinks is, that it's a bit OTT to have a wedding going on late into the night, and we should have been more organized with sorting it, sending out invitations further in advance, and not changing plans. I don't think she's attended a wedding since her own, btw.

OP posts:
SloanyPony · 03/08/2010 11:40

YANBU to be miffed at this.

We invited a girl to our wedding that DH knew (it was his old next door neighbour and they were childhood friends). She didn't have a signficant other at the time, so she brought her best mate! Well, her invite said "plus one" so fair enough I suppose.

Didn't really bother me though they stood out like a sore thumb as they both wore jeans, and the friend had a stripy monsoon type jumper!

There's nowt queerer than folk.

StealthPolarBear · 03/08/2010 11:42

I did that SP was invited to a wedding as a teenager and took my friend! We did dress up though

MrsBadger · 03/08/2010 11:44

hmm

sounds like sibu to requiest special treatment
but imo yabu to indulge her so much - finalise your arrangements, send an invitation, wait for an RSVP.

StarlightMcKenzie · 03/08/2010 11:45

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Message withdrawn

squeaver · 03/08/2010 11:46

Well your aunt does sound like hard work but...you did suggest that her daughter brings someone along and she's just taken that literally.

Completely agree that a 16 year old should be well able to cope a social event on her own, btw.

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/08/2010 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JaneS · 03/08/2010 11:48

Mrs, she's had the invitation, the wedding's in 5 days! I didn't choose to indulge her really - apart for setting the date when she could come, which seems like common politeness as we didn't care either way. She tends to ring up my parents and ask them to sort things. Dad (her brother) agrees it is a bit difficult for her to keep track of changing arrangements.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 03/08/2010 11:49

good point SM.

Yes, I didn't really understand that bit OP, you suggested it but now put out that they've taken you up on it??

SeaTrek · 03/08/2010 11:51

YANBU - your aunt sounds rather self absorbed!

However, I would simply agree and try to think no more about afterall you did suggest that she could bring someone. That way at least your aunt and cousin won't be sour on your day.

fartblossom · 03/08/2010 11:54

Can I ask why if this girl brings someone it HAS to be a date? Why cant she bring a friend?

Obviously it may be a little close to the actual wedding to be adding numbers etc and I do think that Aunt seems to want everything to revolve around her, but Im just asking why cant a young person bring a friend to a wedding, why does it have to be a date? Sorry dont understand that bit. Is it just me?

NestaFiesta · 03/08/2010 11:54

Your aunt is BVU. She is attention seeking, For goodness sake your parents will be there and the rest of the family. its not like she's in with a bunch of strangers. The church being moved wasn't your fault. Its your day not hers.

Say you'd like her to bring someone but there's just no room now and no budget. If she doesn't like it she doesn't have to come.

There's always one person who thinks your wedding wasn't done right, I guess this is your person! Mine was my sister- she didn't like it so she boycotted. I was not remotely upset. Stick to your guns, your aunt is not considering your feelings here.

Dinkytinky · 03/08/2010 11:55

It's a difficult one really- yanbu- but I think you're probably better off just letting this one go and letting the girl bring a mate. It'll probably be less stressful on the day for you if you roll over on this one!

JaneS · 03/08/2010 11:57

Starlight - good point, but I don't think so. I'm on my cousin's facebook and she seems to be quite keen on boys!

The reason I'm miffed is that my cousin turned down the plus-one offer months ago. My aunt knows that, she just thinks her daughter won't be capable of sitting through an evening with people older than her. I really don't get this. I don't in the least mind her bringing a plus-one who's not a date if she wants to, but she told me she didn't (and she still says she doesn't care either way).

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Ronaldinhio · 03/08/2010 11:59

i suppose on the premise that you'd let her bring a date let her bring a friend

it's easier in the long run (not necessarily right but easier)

also please be aware that some people attend a wedding just to be offended
be prepared for fuckwittage and it will seem a lot easier to acceot when you encounter it

StealthPolarBear · 03/08/2010 12:00

oh I see LRD, yes that is odd

squeaver · 03/08/2010 12:01

Gosh it's a bit odd that a mother can effectively force her child to take a friend to a wedding isn't it?

Have they actually asked this friend to come?

JaneS · 03/08/2010 12:05

I don't know, squeaver - I've tried to ring them but obviously they're off on holiday and I'm not getting an answer. I just feel it's a bit as if her mum is trying to suggest her precious darling needs special treatment/ my friends won't be polite to her, which has my hackles raised.

Mum relayed all this to me since my aunt doesn't understand that I'm organizing the wedding myself, so presumably she doesn't think it's important to stay in touch.

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violethill · 03/08/2010 12:08

I agree with squeaver - I think it's odd and unecessary. It's your wedding - not just a lunch out

squeaver · 03/08/2010 12:11

I wonder if your aunt its related to Reality's SIL???

thumbwitch · 03/08/2010 12:13

If you invited her with a plus one, then it shouldn't matter who her plus one is. But if you didn't, then your aunt IB a tad U. AS though her daughter is incapable of socialising with people she doesn't know - or maybe she IS incapable of socialising with people she doesn't know, is she?

I went to one of my friend's brother's wedding - and also his fiancée's hen party, despite never having met her before - because my friend didn't know anyone else at the hen party and she didn't have much family attending the wedding. This was in her mid 20s - so I can understand the 16yo's need for some support, IF there weren't going to be anyone there apart from her mum who she could talk to. BUt if it's family she knows, why bring a friend?

I don't know - I guess it depends how big the wedding is and how much she will interfere with the generaly dynamic - if the answer is she won't really then I wouldn't worry too much about it.

HelenaCC · 03/08/2010 12:13

No yanbu - if she turned down the plus one invite it is VU to expect to go back on that choice a few months later. Just say no - plans have been finalised and you havent got the time to be attending to little details of everyone's changing plans - can you imagine the chaos if everyone changed plans at the last minute?! Aunt sounds v.inconsiderate and like she is indulged far too much by your family. Take a stand. She is going to be put out anyway - imo there is nothing more annoying than changing your plans to accomodate disgruntled people who invariably remain disgruntled anyway!!

JaneS · 03/08/2010 12:16

at squeaver. Reality's SIL is in a category of her own!

thumb - I don't know if she's bad at socializing. She'd probably be a damn sight better if her mum didn't constantly glue her to her friend. If I were an only child, I'd understand more, but she knows my brother and he's only 21, he's not exactly light-years away from her age.

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thumbwitch · 03/08/2010 12:23

That suggests PFB loon-acy on your Aunt's part then.

What's going to happen if you tell her the friend can't come - is she going to turn up with the friend anyway?

Druzhok · 03/08/2010 12:26

Mmm ... I can see why you are feeling annoyed and put out. However, I also know that I cared a lot about this stuff in the run-up to my wedding, but regretted getting so absorbed in / irritated by it as soon as the wedding was over.

In hindsight, I wish I'd cared most about people, rather than my plans. But it's so, so, so difficult to deal with someone else's self absorbed shit when you a) really wanting things to go well and b) a bit stressed

So I don't know, really. She sounds very annoying, but if you can assume a beatific smile and rise above it, you'll probably feel better in the long run x