To think that we should take turns getting up..

[Craftynap]

Hi
Long time lurker here, in need of some impartial opinions on a specific issue please.. if there are any men around yours would be particularly welcomed..

Bit of background: have DD (4) and I?m due no 2 in September. I've been on maternity leave for 3 weeks now, but before that worked a minimum of 3 days a week. DD is at nursery for those 3 days. I'm finding this pregnancy very hard work physically , have (not very severe) SPD.

He works physically very hard (window cleaner), usually 5 days a week, sometimes 4. He is up early on 2 of those days.

Lots of issues in our relationship, too much to go into here. I could fill a book...

DD has slept through twice, ever. Those 2 times in the last week. It's been a bloody nightmare really. I have done all nights since she was born, bar a handful. She is generally up for good at 6.45 ish.

What generally happens at the moment is that she comes in to get me when she wakes and I get up with her. Quite often (this has only started recently, in the last 6 months or so) on a Sunday I persuade her to go and get daddy, and I get an hour or so lie in. P usually stays in bed until he wakes (apart from Thursdays and Fridays when he gets up early), usually an hour or 2 later. For example, this morning I was up with DD at 5.00 (briefly) then up for good at 6.45. P got up at 8.45, went to work.

I don't think this is fair at all. I think that we should take turns getting up with DD when he is not getting up early, and this should mean him actually getting up when she does, not waiting for me to send her to him, after having spent half an hour up anyway persuading her to go through.

He thinks that is as it should be, as he works physically hard most days, and brings in most (by no means all) of the money. He says I don't understand or appreciate what it is like to work hard, and the responsibility of being the main earner.

It's not really the getting up that does my head in, it's the unfairness. If he got up at the same time as me I would not have a problem. I have been hugely resentful about this (on top of loads of other things) for months.

So. Am I being unreasonable? I intend to show P this, hence the request for male opinions, as he thinks you're 'just a lynch mob, basically'. I am totally prepared to admit I am wrong and shut my gob.
I'll try and get back to this later on today.

When I was pregnant with number 2, I was suffering with the late pregnancy insomnia, my back was pretty dogey, and toddler (coming up to 2 years old) would wake here and there with teeth problems, duvet readjustment, or if he had a cold, that kind of thing.

So he never took long to settle but if you are sleeping badly, uncomfy, and have that weird unexplainable insomnia which can only be hormones because there is no other explanation why you could be so tired yet not sleep, etc, then even a quick get up and adjust duvet type seeing to of a child can have you awake for the next 2 hours.

DH works silly hours and gets up at 5:45 for work, was always gone by half 6, but would still help - we didn't have a roster, but if I wasn't up within about 30 seconds he'd say "I'll do it" and dash in there. He had a better chance of going back to sleep than me due to above.

Yes, it made him even tireder, so sometimes he'd be in bed by 9pm or earlier if it was a bad one!

It was a hard time, but he knew I'd be in charge of the night feeds when baby arrived, and decided to do his bit to help when I needed him most.

He's a mighty good man.

If you love your partner, you should care for them. even if that means doing more than your 50% sometimes, because you know they'd do the same for you when you needed it. I don't think there is a hard and fast rule for this, everyone is saying the way it works in their relationship. Which is different to the OP's. But I guess if I was pregnant with SPD I'd feel like I was doing a little more than my 50% so I'd hope that if I was loved then I'd get more than 50% back. Therefore, yes sharing mornings and night waking on weekends and the mornings that her husband doesn't have to get up early for work.

Anyless than that and I don't think she's being lived properly.

Any partner who is not willing to step up to the plate a little bit when his wife/partner is pregnant (especially in the late stages) is - I'm sorry to say - a bit of an arse.

I think everything else is noise, to be honest. Yes, if you're a SAHM or on mat. leave then a larger share of the childcare burden will fall to you, but come on!

I am probably a bit sensitive to this as I am 39+6 today, but I am so grateful to have a husband who recognises how hard it is at this point, and who has done his fair share.

YANBU - DH is SAHD. I looked after them for 6 months then DH 'took over'.

We did and still do (ds is 4 dd 5) take it in turns to get up during the night and mornings. I am the main earner and like letting DH 'lie in' til 7am on week days. He has the more important job IMO.

When one parent is resentful it needs to be addressed.

See I don't rate going to the bathroom alone all that highly, prefer to not drive at all than drive in silence, find playing with children easier than making polite conversation with adults. For me staying at home is loads easier than working (even in my fairly unstressful job) but I appreciate that may not be the case for everyone.

But Like others have said, the problem here isn't whose job is hardest but why isn't a 4 year old sleeping through, even if it's only 50% of the time

I meant "loved" not loved. I hate typing on an iPhone!

I find being at home so much easier than the days I work
but my youngest is three now so I can drink a hot drink while it's still hot, have lunch when I like and go to the loo in peace
it's only babies that stop you doing these things
at home I'm the boss
at work I have to do what my boss says, be polite and have lunch when they say
I'd have thought a tired window cleaner is quite perilous

I think at 4 your daughter is clever enough and capable enough not to be getting up through the night and some tough love is needed. From the age of 4 my kids used to get up at 6:30am and go and watch the telly and then I would be up by 7:30am. Once they were school age they were not allowed to leave their bedrooms until 7am.

Going to the loo with a toddler wrapped round your leg is irritating, annoying and tedious - but it's not difficult or challenging in the way many jobs are. And even where it's not possible to cat nap during the day (which I never could on Mat Leave, as my babies never coincided their day time naps!) you can still have 'down time' at home in a way you can't at work. I also managed to get out for a longish walk with the kids every day on ML, as my kids were full of energy - but again, it's not difficult, it's not like you have to be out of the door by a set time. I'm not suggesting for a moment that being at home with pre school children is a doddle, because it isn't, but no way can you compare the pressures to those of working in paid employment - they are two totally different things.

One thing that always makes me smile, is that if it was so damn hard, no one would ever be able to post on MN would they?! I'm on holiday at the moment, so able to post, but would never have a moment to do so from work,even during my so-called 'lunch break'! Whereas plenty of people at home seem to manage it!

Personally, I think there's a difference between night-time duties (i.e. child not sleeping through) and the actual morning wakeup.

When I was on maternity leave I did nights and mornings week days and we alternated days at the weekend. However, DH was always on hand if I was at the end of my tether (as OP seems to be!). If DS woke for good before DH was due to go to work (he leaves the house at 5.30) he'd help out but I had no desire to let DS get up for good and would generally count that as a 'night'.

So I suppose my answer to OP is that, given the SPD, yes he should be helping you out at night sometimes and he certainly should sometimes be getting your DC up. However, I don't think it's something that should be split evenly in normal circumstances.

I'm not about to go down the work v SAHM which is harder route. Being a SAHM mum is hard because it's relentless and you can't just go for a coffee to clear your head(believe me I work because I'm not cut out to be a SAHM mum). However, I have been a SAHM and you can get 30 mins or so on the sofa whilst your child plays (yes keeping an eye and getting up occasionally but still not actively doing much). You can go to a play group and let your child play whilst having a cup of tea. Assuming the 4 year-old is at nursery part time you even have a few mornings off (to do housework yes but a break nonetheless). I personally think you can cope being less alert more easily as a SAHM than at work. It's not easy for anyone.

BTW in response to the 'a window cleaner?!' comments - A window cleaner may not have a mentally taxing job but he is up a ladder and needs to be physically alert!

I do agree with the others that the big issue is a 4-year old still waking up at night.

All you people saying that being an SAHM is just as tiring and stressful as going to work - can I just point out that the OP's DH is not sitting at a desk, he is a window cleaner, which is statistically one of the most dangerous jobs there is. I certainly wouldn't want my DH climbing ladders when he was exhausted.

You could be me 3 years ago ...
The issue is not the 6.45 wake up (which seems about normal for this age) but the fact you are up in the night so you are permanently shattered (spoken as the mum of a DS who didn't sleep through until 3.5).

I would seriously suggest sleep training which is how we eventually "cured" our DS. Tell DD once it is bedtime she is not allowed up (except to go to the toilet or genuine issue) until whatever hour you deem acceptable (7am in our house). If she gets up, ask her once what's wrong (in case something genuinely is). If there is nothing wrong tell her to go back to bed and then completely ignore her (we made liberal use of stairgates that DS couldn't open or climb over). This is very hard work (!) But if you stick to it she could be sleeping through by the time baby arrives and you really don't want to be getting up for 2 children.

But you might want to agree some sort of "rules" prior to baby arriving. Having a lie in one day of the weekend would be a reasonable minimum if you are worried about impacting his work.

It's not good for either parent to be exhausted. Taking turns to make sure both have an adequate amount of sleep is essential. It's important for him at work to be alert, but it's also just as important for her to be alert when caring for her children as well.

I think something that seems to crop up is that the working person's work stops when he is not at work, but the SAHP(parent) - or the one on maternity leave - finds that their job is considered to be theirs for 24/7, even when the other parent is home.

I'm a SAHM, and generally, as DH works nights, I have the night time duties and getting up in the morning with the children as DH is at work at that time. But on his nights off, he and I share the duties and we trade off duties - so one of us will stay with the children in the living room while the other cooks dinner or cleans up the kitchen. Often that means DH will cook and I'll clean up, or the other way around, but then the other parent is with the children at that point, so neither is overwhelmed by dealing with both duties. As far as getting up early, we have early risers (DS2 is regularly up at 5 or 6am), and we generally BOTH just get up, have a cup of tea or coffee, and keep each other company in the early hours.

It works differently for different people - but right now this isn't working for you.

He is behaving like a complete arse.

Until you went on ML he was only working 1 or 2 days a week more than you, yet you did all of the nights/mornings - why??? He may be the main breadwinner, but I'd like to bet not by much and only by 1 or 2 days work a week?!

VioletHill seems to have missed the point where your DH isn't a nuclear scientist going into space or the President of the USA. He's a window cleaner, which to be honest, is on a par with being a SAHM in terms of energy required & needing clarity of thought.

He is not looking after you and loving you as he should be, especially whilst pregnant with his child - it's disgraceful behaviour IMO.

EveWasFramed72

In answer to your question, yes I have been a SAHM for 16 years!!!

Most days when they were pre school I had a lie down on sofa at some point.

Doesnt everyone!! If not then do! It meant I coped with a 3 year old and a new born who BF through the night till she was 18months.

My husband did nothing during the night or mornings. I wouldnt have dreamed of asking him. He worked far harder than me-a farmer.

Thanks for all the replies, people.

Just to clarify: I'm not a SAHM, I'm on maternity leave.

For all those who are saying that I must sort DD's sleeping, yes I agree, and I'm already on it - we've been in bulding site chaos for ages, moving rooms around, and as a consequence she has only just got her own room, I am absolutely determined that it won't be a problem by the time the new baby is here. Better not bloody be anyway...

I think having read all your replies that yes, I am being a little unreasonable at the moment, and should maybe back off a bit, but insist on a lie in at the weekend.

ChippingIn - you got it there, the reason I am soooooo pissed off about this is because yes, this happened when I was working too. Every night, every morning. It is a huge issue for me at the moment because there is no fucking way that I am doing it again.

I can't get him to hear me when I try and tell him how much this upsets me, he doesn't understand negotiation.

We have had many rows conversations about this, and what it boils down to is that he doesn't value my financial contribution AT ALL (he has actually said that the money I earn 'doesn't count' ....erm?) Because he's the one who pays the mortgage and main bills. This is obviously a very small part of a very large problem... one amongst many actually.

Anyway, I could go on and on and on here about this, and may well start another thread in relationships about what a car crash the whole thing is.

It does sound like you have things that need sorting out, he is treating you badly and it can't continue.

Will look out for you in relationships when you feel up to it x

Fingers crossed for another 'through the night' for you tonight!!

Do post in relationships, do it now before baby arrives.

WRT to the SAHM / WOHM being easier or ahrder thing there is no answer, surely people get that? If you have a job you love and don't find demanding then that's not ahrd at all (been tehre, wish I was agin).... if you have responsibility single handedly for solving third world (or indeed developed world debt!) by 11am then that's a hard laod; likewise some kids and family situations are a breeze- nice areas, easyish kids, happy lives and some are very demanding real stinkers that nobody would wish on their worst enemy.

My loife as a SAHM / PT student isn't hard even with 2 asd kids but that's becuase I love it; if DH 9as a random example) were in my shoes and had to give up the job he adores then it would be the hardest thing ever for him.

YANBU.

I'm a SAHM with one 3 year old. DH works full time.

I've got an illness at the moment which means I'm often very tired, DH gets up every morning with DS, gets him dressed, gives him breakfast etc and, during term time, takes him to Nursery. He also bathes him and puts him to bed when he comes home.

It's not going to be forever so we muddle through. I think your DP needs to take over some of mornings and let you get some rest. Like Leningrad says, if he's tired, he can just go to bed an hour earlier. Does your DP do anything else with DD? What does he do to help you around the house.