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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not forgive and forget the gun incident

27 replies

goldenlife · 02/08/2010 10:58

3 years ago, when DD1 was 12, we went to stay with the PILs at their house in France (they live half the year there and half in England). FIL announced that he wanted to show DD1 how to shoot and do some target practice. He told me proudly that he has a really powerful gun that would be illegal in the UK so he keeps it in France.

I hate guns and the accidents that can result from them, and cannot see any point in them. I told FIL clearly and firmly that I didn't want DD1 to have anything to do with guns. My DH said I was being silly and all "health and safety gone mad" and gave permission to FIL, even though I was still firmly saying no.

The next thing I knew they were in the garden shooting - I had no idea in which direction they were firing as they had not told me and DD2 where to avoid, so I did not even dare go out to put an end to it for fear of DD2 following and being shot.

It was not so much the gun (well, it was a bit) as the riding completely roughshod over my views on what should be allowed that I have been unable to completely wipe from my memory and makes me reluctant to go and stay with PILs again, although I do. DH tells me to "get over it" as "it was no big deal", FIL grew up with guns and when he was a boy they would go out shooting at the drop of a hat and modern society has gone mad.

As background, FIL was brought up under the Raj in India.

So AIBU not to quite forgive and forget?

OP posts:

fairycake123 · 02/08/2010 11:02

I would not be able to forgive and forget that. I hate guns; and I think your FIL's attitude sucks.

chiccadee · 02/08/2010 11:04

You are BU to be angry with your FIL - he just did as he had been given permission to do by his son. OTOH, your DH was utterly U to ignore your wishes, particularly in front of your FIL.

Is this a common problem with your DH? Personally, I couldn't imagine being with someone who would ignore my wishes so blatantly (each to their own opinions but always a united front when it comes to parenting).

Squitten · 02/08/2010 11:05

Seems the problem is not your FIL's attitude but the fact that you and DH obviously don't agree about it. If he's not backing you up then THAT's the problem.

I would say that if you can't agree on what should happen over guns, your kids should be kept away from them all together

Morloth · 02/08/2010 11:06

You have a DH problem not an inlaw or a gun problem.

You two need to discuss this and reach an agreement before you go again.

potoftea · 02/08/2010 11:09

I also don't think your fil really deserves your anger. It's your dh that is totally out of order.
If you have a difference of opinion on something like this, you need to discuss and come to a mutual understanding, not have him bully you by just ignoring your viewpoint.

If fil had ignored both parents giving a strict refusal to allow dd to shoot, then I think you'd be totally correct to never visit him again.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 02/08/2010 11:10

Agree it's a DH problem. I would have thrown a total, ear melting tantrum. No one would have forgotten the gun incident Never be afraid to cause a scene.

ZZZenAgain · 02/08/2010 11:15

I can understand you being unhappy about it and you did tell FIL firmly and clearly that you did not want your dd to have anything to do with guns , so whatever dh said, he did deliberately ignore you so I do think there is some issue with FIL here as well as dh.

My sister, brother and I learnt to shoot when we were younger than your dd ,being overseas in a different situation at a different time, however we never needed to shoot as it happens. So I see your dh's background but I don't share his views on it.

I have no intention of my own dd learning to shoot. Even if dh's family is in the shooting/hunting crowd, dd is still on the young side. I tend to think if it is important for your girls to learn to shoot, then let them learn in a proper safe atmosphere in an official range. I have an AMerican friend whose dh insisted on teaching his girls to shoot. The mother was very unhappy about it but they did it when they were in the States on holiday at a firing range and have never shot a gun elsewhere. I assumed it was an American thing really since gun possession is legal and more common there.

ZZZenAgain · 02/08/2010 11:17

I don't think objecting to a 12 year old using a gun is health and safety gone mad. Surprised your dh would think like that.

ZZZenAgain · 02/08/2010 11:18

do you know what kind of a gun your dd was using? Was it the very powerful one that would be illegal in the UK or some kind of a rifle?

needafootmassage · 02/08/2010 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

booyhoo · 02/08/2010 11:26

your problem is your DH. he should not have dismissed your views like that, especially over something as serious as guns. you need to talk seriously with him about this. i wouldn't be able to forget that he did that.

BelligerentGhoul · 02/08/2010 11:29

Since it's so long ago, there's not much you can do about it now but I can't begin to describe to you how furious I would have been with my dp, if he had behaved in the way your dh did. If he generally behaved like that towards me, he would be ex-dp tbh.

I'm assuming though, that normally he doesn't and that he behaves differently around his father? There could be many reasons for this and perhaps one may be that his father has always 'ruled the roost' so your dh didn't want to rock any boats by disagreeing with him.

Totally agree with NeedAFootMassage - make it clear that it must never, ever happen again and if it DOES, then take your dds straight home.

Colliecross · 02/08/2010 11:35

Same sort of thing here. Ex gave my teenage son a BB gun and an air rifle without my knowledge.
I found son and friend shooting at paper targets on a housing estate. No supervision from donor of guns.
My fury best left to imagination.

Loshad · 02/08/2010 11:44

I'm going to go against the grain and disagree - your DH, FIL and dd wanted to shoot, you didn't want it to happen - why should they necessarily acceed to your wishes when you were clearly in the minority. 12 yo's can shoot quite safely if correctly instructed and the gun isn't too heavy (not a pro-gun loony btw - i don't shoot and i don't own a gun, though my dad does).
not analagous to colliecrosses son - which is totally unacceptable.

Chil1234 · 02/08/2010 11:48

I think you were/are being unreasonable and sympathise with your DH. You're clearly frightened of guns because you have no experience of them. Hence why you imprisoned yourself in the house when the shooting started. But, rather than let your children experience shooting under supervision, you would like to pass on that fear.

I agree that you and your husband should have talked about it beforehand. It's never a good idea to have wildly differing views on parenting. But do think about your reaction.... is it entirely logical or are you simply being over-protective because of your own ignorance? Next time you go, maybe you should try firing the rifle?

sanielle · 02/08/2010 11:59

Of course her FIL deserves her anger.. He KNEW she said NO to her hcild being allowed to play with guns.

Husband was being very out of order and very much deserves her anger too. To be honest it's a bit sad her daughter didn't even listen when she said no. I wouldn't have dared as a kid.. no matter who said it was OK.

sanielle · 02/08/2010 12:04

I grew up in an area where many of my neighbours had guns. So I am not ignorant of them. But I do know a child and who was killed playing with one, and my uncle was shot and killed. The more I know about them the more I know it is innapropriate for children to be exposed of them. Saying the OP is ignorant of guns and therfore scared of them is silly. I have never fallend off a bridge but I know it is somethign I'd rather not do.

sanielle · 02/08/2010 12:06

*fallen

trainsetter · 02/08/2010 12:09

YANBU and I would find it impossible to go there again and seriously consider leaving dh.

Mowgli1970 · 02/08/2010 12:11

If my dh had so completely and blatantly gone against my wishes on such an important subject, I'd think we need counselling.
Whether he agrees/disagrees with you is one thing, but to allow FIL to take DD out shooting knowing your views on it is so disrespectful. I would be livid.

ZZZenAgain · 02/08/2010 12:12

what did you do about this 3 years ago when they came back in from the shooting?

You say you are reluctant to visit the PIL now but do still go, what happens wrt shooting, is it still going on or was it a one-off thing?

Original poster

goldenlife · 02/08/2010 12:37

ZZZ, we have not visited them again in France which is where the gun is. We have jointly rented a holiday house with them, had them over to ours and have been to their house in the UK but I never seem to relax and enjoy the same relationship as before the gun incident. I would want some kind of reassurance before going back to France, and am pretty certain my DH would refuse to allow me to ask for it, so I don't think we will go there again. Mind you, the DDs are nearly old enough to take their own decisions.

So the gun thing is a one-off. The ignoring of my views is a bit more consistent! FIL is quite domineering much of the time although he can equally be warm and affectionate. DD2 in particular does not want to visit the PILs ever as she finds FIL's blunt views tricky to cope with but DH says she must, and I can see his viewpoint.

3 years ago, I thought about the dramatic row and decided against it in favour of thinking the whole thing over and held my tongue, but DH knew how I felt. FIL did actually half apologise later anyway (he "hoped he hadn't upset me" rather than admitting he was in any way wrong), but DH refuses to acknowledge there was any problem with him not taking time to discuss the whole thing with me properly beforehand and coming to a consensus, rather than just going ahead.

Maybe the posters are right and my grudge, such as it is, should be against my DH and not my FIL. I expect I should let it go as 9 times out of 10 my views prevail.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 02/08/2010 12:40

could you have a word with MIL?

ZZZenAgain · 02/08/2010 12:51

if he has spent his life being a domineering character, I can see he is unlikely to change as an old man. Is it possible your husband has something similar in his make-up, albeit not so pronounced?

I think you can demand reassurance before returning to their home in France with the gun. That your husband would not permit you to ask for it doesn't sound great. If you don't think you could get there via MIL, can you speak directly to FIL about this? I mean park him in a chair with a drink and say, right I have a bone to pick with you, so let's get cracking and clear this up. I would do something like that but admit freely I am not the best at diplomacy.

stubbornhubby · 02/08/2010 22:30

OP you say "9 times out of 10 my views prevail"

is that really true?

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