Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Basically, I'm a twat.

48 replies

loopyloops · 01/08/2010 00:19

After much to-ing and fro-ing, negotiating and the like, my brother, his wife, my sister and SIL all managed to go out for a drink today.
After a few (too many) drinks I felt I needed to make my brother understand how much it hurt me that he wasn't there for me when I really needed him. (One twin daughter was stillborn, other premature. He lives nearby but we had recently had an argument so he didn't visit or come to the funeral.)

He (also a bit drunk) wasn't seeing my point, so I, very emotionally, tried to explain to him how much it hurt me, but only ended by making everyone else think that I don't care about them at all.
I was trying to explain how much my children mean to me, but said (not sure) something along the lines of "none of you mean anything compared to my daughters." Now I am crying in my room and they are all downstairs thinking I'm a twat.
All I want out of life is to be a nice person, but I do want others around me to be nice to me too. Am I being unreasonable for this?

I'm so sorry to have offended my sister and sisters in law, but I just wanted it to hit home to my brother how much this whole thing has affected me. The last thing I wanted was to hurt anyone, but I'm in a bad place and need support.
Incidentally, his response was something along the lines of "well, I get how it hurt you, but for me it's still not as bad as XYZ". Hmmph.

OP posts:
Original poster
loopyloops · 01/08/2010 00:25

I think the answer is to not drink for a while.

OP posts:
terryble · 01/08/2010 00:26

Saying that other people aren't as important to you as your children is fine. Especially given everything else.

You didn't say you didn't care about them. You said you cared about your daughter more. Any reasonable person would assume that to be the case, without being told.

I'm so, so, so sorry for your loss.

Thinking of you.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 01/08/2010 00:26

Oh dear. Loopy it's late and alcohol is involved. Go to bed.

I too had twins, one still born and the other prem. I'm taking it yours was more recent than mine (10 years ago). It does get better, I promise.

Apart from that, it's still time for bed You're probably not a twat and you're probably a lovely person but it's never easy to sort these things out when piddled. Take the high ground and go to bed.

terryble · 01/08/2010 00:26

*daughters, sorry

I'm making loads of typoes tonight.

Original poster
loopyloops · 01/08/2010 00:27

Thank you.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 01/08/2010 00:29

Definitely sleep on it. You sound very wound up and hard to understand. I'm sure your brother and family want to help you, but now is not the time.

AgentZigzag · 01/08/2010 00:30

You just wanted him to acknowledge how you felt, and that's not unreasonable.

All you wanted him to do was to say 'I can see why you felt that but...blah blah this is how I saw it'.

Instead he tried to belittle how you felt by saying it wasn't as bad as XYZ, well to you it was worse than XYZ.

You are unreasonable to think you're a twat, you sound like you were trying to sort things out, OK not a good idea after the drinks, but sometimes you have to say things when the need takes you.

Do you feel able to go down and say that what you wanted to get across got lost because you were upset about it?

Hug.

Monty100 · 01/08/2010 00:32

You are not a twat. Is it possible to go back down and apologise without aggravating matters further??

Just give them a hug.

They're prob upset too.

Oh, and have a coffee, no more booze.

AgentZigzag · 01/08/2010 00:32

Yeah, on second thoughts, like the other posters say perhaps wait until no drinks involved.

Original poster
loopyloops · 01/08/2010 00:37

Thank you for the hug Agent.

No-one's cross any more, but perhaps a little upset. I'm usually very good at saying exactly what I mean, which I think is why everyone was offended.
I can't go back down there now, they're all playing drinking games and I'm in my nightie and red-faced.
I just wish he could give me a little sympathy. Instead of sympathy he told me that he thinks I have a "pathological need to care too much" for DD. I just love her, very much. We were quite badly neglected as kids, and ended up in care. I don't see loving her as a bad thing.
I've had a lot of difficulties with my brother for a very long time, but I think if we can't get over this soon I don't think we can have any kind of relationship any more. It's just too draining. I'm losing myself, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 01/08/2010 00:41

If you feel able able to, take a breath, get changed and go back down, but don't bring any of that up.

If not, just have a good kip and approach things afresh tomorrow.

Slur · 01/08/2010 00:43

Oh dear. Sounds like a crap night, don't dwell tis almost certainly better analyses in the morning.

If it were me I'd play it down tonight, say goodnight if you can BUT I might bring it up again soon with bruv in the sober daylight seems there's some stuff to sort

Original poster
loopyloops · 01/08/2010 00:45

I really don't think I can. My sister's friends are all here and I don't want to make a bigger spectacle than I already have.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 01/08/2010 00:46

'he thinks I have a "pathological need to care too much" for DD'

What a horrible, nasty thing to say to you, no wonder you were upset.

Some people see showing any emotion as a weakness because they have to protect themselves from the world.

You sound like you've been through a lot, sometimes a bit of distance between people isn't always a bad thing, regardless of any blood ties.

scottishmummy · 01/08/2010 00:47

sleep.eat.in morning apologise for any upset.dont discuss fraught issues drunk.hurts you,hurts brother.if you genuinely seek to discuss,clear air,ventilate it can only be done sober

Original poster
loopyloops · 01/08/2010 00:52

The problem is, he won't talk to me sober. At all. It's so hard to persuade him to see us at all, and he will only do it if there's drink involved.
I think no more drink and no more talking to my brother, for the time being, is the only solution.
I'm struggling as it is, without all this. I think I need to prioritise my immediate family, even if it is to the detriment of other family. Is that ok, do you think?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 01/08/2010 00:56

my god you have really suffered,maybe reconcile self your accounts and pain felt dioffer.and as unpalatable as it is he has his subjective pov.you have yours.don expend time/emotional energy trying to make him see you pov

AgentZigzag · 01/08/2010 00:59

I prioritised my immediate family over contact with other close family and it was the best thing to do for me.

It meant I had a bit of control over a spiralling situation, and gave me some peace. The situation is still there, but at arms length.

It doesn't have to be forever, just until you feel stronger and more able to deal with it/him.

Original poster
loopyloops · 01/08/2010 01:05

The thing is, my sister, who I love dearly, lives abroad, and when she come to the UK she always stays here. That means my mum, Ds's friends and other family all visit here, or expect me to take her to them, if she is to see them. (DB on phone, when arranging today's shannanigans, said "I can see you any time, don't try and emotionally blackmail me into seeing you and DD too, I only want to see DS, can't you just drop her off here then pick her up later?"- 30 mins away).
The only reason we all got together was because my sister and his wife insisted that he was being rude. If it were up to us we probably wouldn't see each other very much at all, but I seem to have become the matriarch of this family, and he wouldn't see my mother either if I weren't there to referee. I just feel so bloody responsible for them all.

Agent, to what point did you prioritise? Did it mean stopping seeing family that you do care about?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 01/08/2010 01:17

I used to be under the illusion that blood is thicker than water, but it seemed to me that that meant some people felt they could say and do as they wanted, and I had to accept it because of convention and family obligation.

It doesn't sound very nice, but I see a lot of my family as you would work colleagues, they're not people I would ever choose to spend time with voluntarily.

If you've come to the conclusion that you don't like someone, why would you keep having contact with them?

He sounds like he knows exactly what to say to hurt you the deepest, that's not exactly healthy for you.

Original poster
loopyloops · 01/08/2010 01:22

Thanks Agent. Sorry for sounding so pathetic and self indulgent. I've calmed down now, I might go down, make sure everyone is ok and apologise.
I'm a tit.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 01/08/2010 01:25

Don't be daft, you take it easy on yourself

EricNorthmansmistress · 01/08/2010 08:37

Morning loopy
It sounds like your brother has some deep emotional scars. He possibly doesn't understand how you can feel that deeply for your DCs (does he have any?) and because it's not his own experience of being parented has reframed your love as 'excessive' and his own neglect as 'normal'.
You are not the matriarch of the family, you are a member of the family. His relationships with others are not your problem. From now on you can invite him to family things but go no further. You don't transport your sister over to see him unless you and your family are also invited. If he doesn't see her as a consequence then so be it.
You can still see your mother but he now makes his own arrangements to see her. If he makes no effort with anyone then he doesn't see anyone. You see the family you want to and who make you feel happy. This man sounds like a right piece of work actually - he missed his niece's funeral - why?

Original poster
loopyloops · 01/08/2010 17:00

Thanks

You might imagine that I stopped posting last night because I went to bed... but no, it was because DB, who ended up staying the night, was sick on the carpet outside DD's room and pissed on the bathroom floor.

Eric, you are right, on all your points, and thanks for that. He didn't come to the funeral because, after the arguments and the fact that he didn't come to see me in hospital despite being the only relative who was able (and I was there for 3 weeks), I wanted to see him before the funeral to clear the air. Despite there being 2 months between her death and the funeral (post mortem waiting), he didn't manage to do this. On the day I phoned and said I'd still like him to be there, but he was apparently ill. Somehow I've turned out to be the bad guy in this - he believes that I stopped him from going to the funeral.

No, he doesn't have kids, but he got married last week and he and SIL are now trying for a baby. I imagine that their children might need some other adults around, so I am reluctant to cut him off completely in case they aren't all that great at parenting, if you see what I mean.

This morning he did apologise for the sick (but not for anything else). Unfortunately it has stained my new carpet.

OP posts:
BouncingTurtle · 01/08/2010 17:15

Hang on a sec.

Let me get this straight. You have lost one twin and the other was premature (and presumably still a big concern healthwise). And your bother ARGUES with you, and refuses to attend the funeral, and you think YOU are being a twat??

The only twat is your brother - you have NOTHING to apologise for. You have suffered a massive loss plus probably worried sick about your surviving dd. You have MORE than enough on your plate - and only the most thick headed or cold hearted person could fail to understand that.

I am so sorry for your loss And I am even sorrier that you have some seriously self-centred and selfish relatives.

And YADNBU!

Swipe left for the next trending thread