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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stop nephew seeing my child

32 replies

MmeButterfly · 31/07/2010 20:18

AIBU to avoid family get togethers because my nephew has hit or tried to hit my DD who is only 4 months old every time he sees her? I've talked to my sis about discipline etc and let all the family know how i feel but i still feel a bit guilty for making it clear that i won't take my dd to see my family when my nephew is there UNTIL he can keep his hands to himself! Please reassure!!
I am a new mum and granted, am somewhat overprotective but, nephew is 3 years old and i think needs to learn not to do this but not at my dd's expense ie he hits her and then gets into trouble... i would rather wait until he has learnt that aggressive behaviour is unacceptable altogether (he also hits his mum and himself when in a grump).

OP posts:

saintlydamemrsturnip · 31/07/2010 20:22

I know it's annoying but it's fairly standard 3 year old behaviour. Especially if he's used to being centre of attention and has been usurped by a new cousin. It sounds as if it is being dealt with. Why not just hold your dd? I used to meet with friends with kids with learning disabilities when ds2 and ds3 was young and with the best parenting and supervision in the world the only way to ensure safety (and be fair on the older child) was to hold the baby - and make it my responsibility to supervise the baby until they were older.

If you refuse to see him you will probably cause a massive family row which seems a bit daft imo.

SalFresco · 31/07/2010 20:25

Just don't give him the opportunity to get to her. YABU to stop visiting when he is there.

thisisyesterday · 31/07/2010 20:27

agree, it IS a phase that most children go through.
i woulkd still go to family events, but keep a close eye on him and make sure baby is always out of his way

sanfairyann · 31/07/2010 20:27

sounds very precious first born tbh. you will no doubt blush with shame in a few years time if you go ahead with this ban

AvrilHeytch · 31/07/2010 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LynetteScavo · 31/07/2010 20:32

YABU. JUst hold your DD out of reach.

Yes a 3 year old does need to learn not to hit, but you can't put your life on hold until he does.
Once he's out of this phase, he will be into another. And then you will be avoiding him because you don't want your DD to pick up the phrase "poo head", or similar

pippylongstockings · 31/07/2010 20:33

It is really tricky but I wouldn't start a familt row about it - all 3 year olds can be pretty boisterous and I speak as a parent of a lovely 3 year old boy but he can be pretty full on when in company, he kind of gets over excited - seems to pick on his 6 year old girl cousin

The best way perhaps is as other have said is to pick your DD and make sure he can't get to her - also your nephew may well resopnd better to you giving him a short sharp 'NO' I know my DS2 would respond to his auntie telling him off more than me.

I would not mind if my sister or sil told off my child after all we are all family.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 31/07/2010 20:37

Yes I used a sling with ds3 as well when I met one particular child Avril. It was fine - worked well. DS3 was safe and said child's mum didn't have to hawk watch her every move.

Lonnie · 31/07/2010 20:59

YABU move your dd out of the way and ensure nephew doesnt get near her. Say no firmly to him when he moves to hit her if he does get near and move her out of the way. Simply be aware

in 2-3 years time this will be you with your dd.

Original poster

MmeButterfly · 31/07/2010 21:02

Thanks for all your advice - perhaps i'm over reacting
I'll try just holding her. The rest of the family have promised to be extra vigilant too so perhaps i need to trust others.
I never thought i'd be such a paranoid mother!!

OP posts:

mrspear · 31/07/2010 21:06

I know how you feel ... the trouble for me is 25kg 6 year who is a monster. But 3 is different to 6!

I would do as others said and watch out.

LynetteScavo · 31/07/2010 21:06

Bless, we all think well be such laid back mums, then we have our precious baby, and want to protect them from everything.

Quite understandable.

Original poster

MmeButterfly · 31/07/2010 21:29

Yes! i have had palpatations when my nephew's in reach of my dd!! I'm booking her on karate classes asap though

OP posts:

DinahRod · 31/07/2010 21:37

If 'no' doesn't work with nephew (if he hears it a lot and ignores it) try a sharp 'uh-uh' as you would a misbehaving puppy - works on teenagers too!

And agree with others re a sling or hold dd, and stand up with her if you see him approach with holy terror in his eyes so he can't reach her.

Firawla · 31/07/2010 21:50

yabu!! an over reaction and silly to spoil relationship with your sis and your dc cousin over this (im sure she wouldnt be able to help taking a bit of offense, would be natural)

if he comes to hit your dd just make sure you are not leaving her unattended or leaving him with too much acces to her? he will grow out of it, and your dd will become older and stronger too, its just a phase not going to last forever

even your pfb dd might hit other children too when she is older you know! they have to learn yes, but sometimes at 3 they are still learning.

just keep an eye on nephew and make sure dd not left unattended, you cant isolate her from other children and especially not from her own cousins

maryz · 31/07/2010 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MmeButterfly · 31/07/2010 21:57

DinahRod - Thanks for practical advice! Yes i'll try that. I suppose i'm frustrated with the need to constantly guard dd but yes, point taken, nephew is still learning...

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 31/07/2010 22:08

he's 3. Old enough tbh. You've told your sister, your family are primed. Give them all one more chance to prevent this any hitting your tiny baby.

BUT

If, in spite of this, the boy still does it. Get down on his level and say a firm and loudish No! Then take his hand and take him back to his mother.

You shouldn't have to guard your dd from your nephew, that's his mother's responsibility...

saintlydamemrsturnip · 31/07/2010 23:35

I agree that uh-uh + look is often more effective than a no. It feels less threatening as well.

I'm not sure I agree that it's the mother's responsibility because you are setting her an impossible task. I remember being at a friend's house with ds3, we had him in the shade under the tree. I was watching ds1, ds2 and ds3, friend was watching her dd and ds. Somehow in a split second (we were all within reaching distance) her dd had picked ds3 up and was swinging him around (not nastily - she just didn't know any better). It was seconds.

Far safer to hold or use a sling with your dd. Then you know she's safe and can enjoy interacting with your family.

Original poster

MmeButterfly · 01/08/2010 11:06

Thanks everyone for your advice - its made me think differently about the situation and speak openly with my sis (again!) about it. We've both agreed that I should be able to take part in disciplining nephew too (naughty step) which will make me feel a bit more in control. But also, I've decided to spend a bit more time one to one with nephew to try and offset some of the insecurity he might be feeling about the new baby.
Explained to sis that i'm new to this game too and not sure how to best protect dd without putting her in glass case! Wish me luck today - am taking nephew to park and leaving dd with dh and rest of family!!
This may not appear to make sense after the small blurb i've given about the entire situation but thinking about all angles, i feel like it might be a way forward. I really appreciate the support everyone thanks and i'll let you know how it goes!

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 02/08/2010 22:43

saintly, the situation you describe is totally different to MmeB's op. You had 5 dc between you to watch over. MmeB's sister has one 3yo boy.

Supervising one 3yo around your sister's teeny tiny baby is never, ever going to be described as an impossible task. It's dsis's responsibility to make sure her ds is safe, and that he's not doing anything that could constitute a danger to himself or others, most importantly a babe in arms for god's sake.

MmeB, I understand why tbh, but i do think you are being way too lenient on your sister. She's got to get her horse in front of this cart, and bloody fast. This is where it can all go wrong if she doesn't insist on how he behaves with little ones.

My ds (4) has only been back in the uk for a year. Before we came back, he literally had no contact with other children, bar once or twice a month if we were lucky, but he knew to be gentle with babies and toddlers, why? Because i showed him, and supervised him.

littlepetal · 03/08/2010 01:35

Agree with LittleMissHissyFit totally. Your sister needs to stop her son's behaviour not you. Yes children go through phases but that cannot be an excuse for doing nothing or trying to make light of the issue. I've seen soooo many parents makes excuses (he's only little) or even pretend to not have seen. Don't fall into the trap where you are disciplining your nephew more than his parents. I don't think you should be putting your nephew on the naughty step whilst your sister is there as it will undermine her authority & be confusing for him. His parents should put him on the naughty step or whichever adult is taking care of him at the time. In my humble opinion (currently raising 4 children) he needs watching like a hawk by his parents & immediately told firmly no if any inappropriate behaviour occurs even if it seems to be getting nowhere because if you give up then the child will think its ok. Also don't put yourself down by thinking you are being paranoid because you ARE NOT, you're just a normal protective mother of a baby who cannot defend itself. I've seen this happen so many times before. What happens when your nephew meets other babies & tries to hit them, will your sister ask those parents to discipline her son, what a ludicrous situation that would be & of course unworkable. Sorry if I sound a bit harsh but I don't want you to end up feeling like its all your responsibility to constantly be shielding your child & disciplining your nephew (which seems to be the consensus from the replies to your thread). Of course your sister maybe at the end of her tether & mortified & really need help, when of course you can be sympathetic & supportive, but the first port of call for discipline surely has to be the parents. Good luck with this sensitive issue

nancydrewrocked · 03/08/2010 06:51

Mmmbutterfly please do not stop seeing your family over this. In a couple of years you will cringe with shame at your reaction and as Maryz said fortunes change quickly

I know when you have a new born 3 year olds seem horrible, dirty, boistrous aliens but they are still only very small children themselves.

xkaylax · 03/08/2010 06:57

Your newborn will soon become like this and good luck to you on trying to get your child not to do the same, all 3 year olds do the whole hitting phase.

Just keep your DD away.

And just think you have all this to come

autodidact · 03/08/2010 07:03

Hope you had a lovely time at the park with your nephew, mmebutterfly. You sound like a super aunty and mum to me and it's great that you've come up with a good solution to the problem.

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