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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i cant help it that she cant have children of her own why punish me and my children tho?

50 replies

DoesMyHairyBigToeOffendYou · 30/07/2010 12:29

my SIL cant have any children and i feel so gutted for her, but i had a DS 3 years ago and she adores him and spoils him rotten! i then had my DD 17 weeks ago and DPs family have ignored us ever since! my SIL hardly ever visits now and my DS doesnt understand why is Auntie has kept away, i understand totally that it must be very hard for her, so i dont blame her for keeping her distance a bit, but DPs mum has phoned us being really abusive and saying we had one child isnt that enough? why did we have to have another one to rub it SIL face? dont we realise how lucky we were to have a DS etc, she has only ever seen DD (her only grandaughter) twice since she was born and that was in the first 3 weeks, but she is also making DS suffer too now! (her only grandson)

i cant help it that SIL cant have children of her own but do i really have to feel guilty of having my children myself? SIL doesnt blame us, so why does MIL? anyone reckon SIL is saying things behind my back?

OP posts:
ApocalypseFlangePop · 30/07/2010 12:34

It must be hard for you sil.

But your mil is being a twat, how dare she say those things for you.

wukter · 30/07/2010 12:35

Ignore your MIL she sounds like a loon. Ask her why she had 2 children.

Maybe SIL is saying things behind your back, but I would not hold it against her, infertility can hit people very hard and she will come round when she can. Let it go and enjoy your family. Send her the occasional friendly text, keeping baby talk to a minimum, and when she is able she can come back into your lives.

Your MIL has no excuse though, I would take a dim view of it. Tell her she is welcome to see her grandchildren when she has learned to be grateful for their existance.

mummysgoingmad · 30/07/2010 12:35

YANBU - youe SIL has probably said how gutted she is and may be a bit upset butthat is no reason for you mil to take it out on you.

How silly is that, you should of only had 1 child as your sil cant have any.

they need to start being supportive and loving toward your children if not i would snub them

BosomsByTheSea · 30/07/2010 12:40

What Wukter said.

Infertility is awful - very, very awful. SIL may be reeling and not have expected to feel how she does. She may be saying things behind your back, but they are not to hurt you, they are because of her own feelings of loss and grief. Try to understand it's not about you. SIL will come back into your children's lives when she is ready, and will most likely be a wonderful Auntie.

Your MIL is lashing out trying to protect her daughter, completely inappropriately. Try to keep calm, don't rise to it, things will calm down.

Congrats on your DD, by the way

Firawla · 30/07/2010 12:41

YANBU i cant believe your mil said that, as if you having less dc will magically make sil able to have some?? sil needs to just realise life is not all about her, of course it may be hard for her but this is ott and unreasonable from them, and really horrible to you

Original poster
DoesMyHairyBigToeOffendYou · 30/07/2010 12:44

when i had DS i had a bit of PND nothing major just a bit ott at proving i was a good mum and MIL wanted SIL to have DS because i was on anti depressants and shouldnt be around a child! but this time with no PND she is saying one is enough!

if were scrongers and having 15 kids id understand (not that that wud be her business anyways) but we hav our own business and just get on with life! im so very very but do not blame SIL as i could never imagine what its like to never have your own children

OP posts:
eirikthered · 30/07/2010 12:46

Who says SIL is saying anything behind anyone's back? MIL may just have seen SIL unhappy and decided to act, without SIL being involved. Give the poor woman a break. She might actually be trying to give you some space, because new babies are often stressful for the parents and she might imagine that you don't want lots of people horning in on you all the time. Why don't you talk to her? Tell her you miss her and hope she can come round some time soon. Then the ball's in her court. She may be upset about her situation and not want to show it in front of you in case it diminishes your joy. Let her know you love her, miss her company, and keep baby talk to a minimum.

Original poster
DoesMyHairyBigToeOffendYou · 30/07/2010 12:46

thanx all, i just feel like im the baddie in all this when all i ve had is children! its not as if i ve murdered some one isit!

OP posts:
sanielle · 30/07/2010 12:47

Your poor SIL probably really can't be around you right now. If she were she might feel she would cause a scene, blubber away in front of you/the children etc. Please don't think ill of her.

MIL on the other hand needs a good slap, seriously what the fuck is she on? How dare she? SHe obviously has more than one child. Since when do you need family permission to have children?

Colliecross · 30/07/2010 12:47

I am very sorry for your SIL but your MIL is a loon.

Original poster
DoesMyHairyBigToeOffendYou · 30/07/2010 12:50

also we have invited her and her DH around for a glass of wine and even offered to go out somewhere (so the kids arent being pushed under her nose) its hard to know what to say, but at the same time she could go for IVF (she been told this) rather than going on hols 3 times a year and drinking 4 or 5 nights a week!

now im just bitching but im very angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoesMyHairyBigToeOffendYou · 30/07/2010 12:52

my MIL is a complete and utter bitch cow she has never really like me anyways so there is no love lost between us, its just my DCs i feel sorry for

OP posts:
TheDoodler · 30/07/2010 12:53

at your MIL wanting you to hand DS over because you had PND.

Is it connected that your new baby is a girl? I wonder if that has somehow hit home more to your SIL.

sanielle · 30/07/2010 12:53

Do you know what is involved in IVF? It isn't for everyone.

Don't be bitchy sounds like your SIL has done nothign but be kind to you and your child,...she just needs some time to get used to this one too

legallyblond · 30/07/2010 12:53

MILs can be funny. Yours is being odd.

I am pregnant with my MIL's first grandchild and, while she is v excited and sweet about it, she has asked me not to talk about babies and being pregnant and not to "act or look pregnant" (err, not sure how to do that as I am now 7.5 months ) around my SIL becasue she had an abortion 3 years ago and would find it upsetting. My SIL by the way doesn't seem to mind

wukter · 30/07/2010 12:54

Don't be angry.
You have what SIL desperately wants, whether she is talking behind your back is irrelevant frankly. You can take it.
Your MIL is a different matter. One outandish rant is one thing but if it's ongoing you need to put up a brick wall and refuse to engage until she gets some perspective.

And don't criticise your SILs lifestyle or choices. She can do what she wants.

BosomsByTheSea · 30/07/2010 12:56

HairyToe, it now sounds like there is a bit more to this - I feel at your comments about your SIL, and I don't doubt she has also picked up on your judgements about her 'choices'. IVF is not an easy option, or one to be taken lightly.

I think maybe you should focus on your own DCs and allow your SIL to do things her way.

Why should you be angry? Your children are your children. There is no law that says everyone else has to fawn over them.

DuelingFanjo · 30/07/2010 13:02

At first I felt sympathy for you but your 'just have IVF' comment is really very unfeeling.

Your MIL is out of order but please stop judging your SIL!

Original poster
DoesMyHairyBigToeOffendYou · 30/07/2010 13:04

what i mean is she complains she cant afford ivf and tells everyone how she wishes she could etc but then swans off on hols a few times a year!
and no i dont expect everyone to fawn over my children but i do expect their grandma to want to see them and not blame me for having something SIL cant have. i just think MIL is being a totall cow, she didnt even send DS a birthday card FFS. she just pisses me off winds me up.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoesMyHairyBigToeOffendYou · 30/07/2010 13:07

its not a JUST HAVE IVF attitude and i never meant it like that, i just dont like being made to feel guilty when SIL doesnt really help herself but them complains. im not unfeeling and dont want to offend any of you at all please believe me, im just tired of being the baddie for having children.

i really am truly sorry if i offened anyone i think it came out wrong. sorry

OP posts:
sanielle · 30/07/2010 13:07

IVF is widely available on the NHS (after you jump through hoops obviously) I assure you fincial reasons are not the only reason she hasn't chosen this option.

PrincessFiorimonde · 30/07/2010 13:07

OP, perhaps there is something going on that you don't know about? E.g., perhaps SIL has been trying IVF recently and it failed, and that coincided with the birth of your DD?

Just a thought, as otherwise it does seem odd that she loves your DS but can't bring herself to see your DD (according to your MIL).

(I speak as a woman unable to have children, but with a loving relationship with nieces, nephews and my DP's son/grandchildren.)

TheDoodler · 30/07/2010 13:09

Could it be related to the fact you've had a girl do you think? There are so many threads on here about never having a girl...

Original poster
DoesMyHairyBigToeOffendYou · 30/07/2010 13:10

i really hope you all accept my apology.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoesMyHairyBigToeOffendYou · 30/07/2010 13:12

it could be but when we had DS there was a comment made about DPs auntie, i was told if DS had been a girl the family would have spoilt 'her' rotten but as its a boy never mind we'll still love him! but being 18 at the time and feeling vunerable i never challenged that remark. stupid now eh?

OP posts:
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