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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel like a servant to my own dc

35 replies

AlwaysSickAndTired · 29/07/2010 15:03

DC are 6 and 3. I prepare their breakfast first thing in the morning but by the time I've finished doing that and I turn to the kettle to make my first coffee of the day, one of them is already requesting/demanding this that or the other. Morning progresses with requests of one nature or another amongst the daily mundane chores of grocery shopping, cleaning, tidying up and preparing lunch. Lunch brings about a whole set of further requests: not this colour fork, not this type of straw, not this drink, i want ketchup, I don't like this, etc etc. The afternoon brings about more chores, activities, whatever... and then it's time for dinner and the same situation repeats itself. I often feel like I'm stuck in a rut and I don't even have breathing space or time to enjoy a single thought. Silence is a luxury. If bedtime becomes difficult I become extremely frustrated because I feel my DC are depriving me from the precious hours when I don't have to listen to their constant demands, moaning, whingeing and/or fighting. What am I doing wrong?? And can I just say my DC are truly lovely children, fun and loving, I know I've made them sound like brats but honestly they're not.

OP posts:

TheButterflyEffect · 29/07/2010 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumblecrumble · 29/07/2010 15:08

Oh no! That sounds awful! Sending you a virtual hug. Please feel free to vent.

Sigh.... are the summer hols worse?

Do they like 'helping' at all?

alarkaspree · 29/07/2010 15:10

Well it sounds quite normal. But do your children do anything for themselves? e.g they could set the table for their meals, then they can't complain about their cutlery. They can help with tidying too.

Also try delaying their requests - say 'yes, when I've finished my coffee' or whatever - they will either do it themselves, forget about it or ask you again when you've finished your coffee but at least you do in fact get to drink your coffee.

And it sounds like you are all a bit bored of the holidays. Can you take them out to do something you would all enjoy? A different park, museum or something?

GypsyMoth · 29/07/2010 15:12

for a start....make your coffee first!! why do they have to come first if you're the one who is going to be doing all the work here.....

they need to learn they arent the most important people in the universe! dont empower them either! no need to accomodate their whims to the extent you do!

i have 5 dc and am a lone parent....i have learnt to put myself first alot more,otherwise i would burnout and who would look after them then?? no-one! there is only me.

mumblecrumble · 29/07/2010 15:12

Don;t feel I can advise as ur daughter is only 2 but I do feel a need that when I am off work that after lunch is play/sleep in your bedrooms while mummy has a rest time.

DD is nearly three and because I need a break to encourage independance I have put bowls, fruit bowl, cups and jug of juice in places DD can reach so that if she needs a drink/snack she can get it herself.

Are you a single parent? DO you mind me asking

colditz · 29/07/2010 15:13

You can say "No" to these silly demands for a different coloured fork or a different type of straw.

Honestly, my kids would not even dare to try that one. They have a choice - eat dinner or don't eat dinner.

If they tantrum about it, remove whatever it is causing such distress until they calm down.

As for drinks, get a stool in the kitchen, I'm sure your six year old can turn a tap on. Give them a cup each and let them do it themselves.

I'm not saying your children are brats, they sound like normal lovely children who perhaps have been allowed to indulge in slightly bratty tendencies, but because they are basically lovely, they will stop it when you stop allowing it.

PantsVonStinky · 29/07/2010 15:13

Tell them to set the table . Mine get their breakfast things out before they go to bed. I put the cereal on the table at night and a plastic lidded jug of milk in the door of the fridge. I also have a badly enforced no complaints at the table rule. They don't have to eat anything they don't want to but they aren't allowed to bitch about it. They aren't allowed to list things they don't like, they still do it but they aren't as bad as they used to be.

belgo · 29/07/2010 15:15

Agree with the other posters.

No one in my house gets breakfast before I get my morning coffee! And if they have the wrong spoon, they know where the cutlery drawer is.

And at some point in the day they are all directed upstairs to play on their own for a bit so I have a bit of peace (doesn't last long admittedly!)

EveWasFramed72 · 29/07/2010 15:16

My two are 4 and 2 and though I like to give them controlled choices to empowwer them, I don't let them command me.

Delay requests, give them a choice (do you want this fork or that one), give them jobs...all that stuff works pretty well.

PantsVonStinky · 29/07/2010 15:16

If you want 10 minutes to yourself to have your coffee then tell them.

"play in your room for 10 minutes whilst I have some peace and quiet"

It won't scar them, honest.

minxofmancunia · 29/07/2010 15:30

It sounds normal but i think it's good for children to learn we're not at their beck and call, I have a friend who complans of never getting a minute but (and I'm not saying this is you OP) she never leaves her children alone? She's literally there, on hand at their service all their waking hours. When you go round there you can't have a converation with her because she never leaves them be or makes them wait. You could try;

Delaying gratification for some requests

giving them a choice of 2 things (e.g. juice or milk) and if they don't like it or change thier mind tough

Could you afford to have a couple of meals out a week? Just in a cheap cafe so you don't have to drudge round after them 3 times a day everyday. I insist on one meal out at the weekend for this reason.

Making it clear that they play independently for a couple of hours a day, doable with a 3 and a 6 year old

Incorporating half an hour for yourself to have a coffee and a sit down per day when they leave you alone and making this clear

They are also old enough to have their own little jobs to do and could get a reward at the end of each day for doing them.

kayah · 29/07/2010 15:36

I said NO to putting a hem on old jeans after I cut them for my 12 yo

I just said - I don't feel like doing it

that was just about the first time and she wasn't upset but surprised

Chil1234 · 29/07/2010 15:37

I sympathise with the OP because we start out doing everything for them out of necessity and it can become habit-forming if nothing progresses. I find that every now and again it helps to look around, see what other children the same age are expected to do for themselves and then steer them in that direction, give them new responsibilities.

It's good for children to understand that Mum (and Dad) are people in their own right and don't simply exist to look after them. Your needs are as important as theirs. Get babysitters so that you can get child-free time. Make them wait until you're finished. Practice the phrase 'I am not arguing, do as you're told'. Good luck

thephoenix · 29/07/2010 15:40

My life has been just like that over recent weeks. Constant demands but normally for green plate instead of yellow plate. DH away for a couple of months so really struggling and on verge of breakdown so I've just started to put my foot down.

Other posters have already offered good advice and I will also try to follow some of it before I have a complete breakdown. My first priority though has always been coffee.

ABitTipsy · 29/07/2010 15:44

I agree with the others. I have felt like you at times but have learnt to shut the kitchen door whilst I have a cup of tea and tell the DC's I do not want to be disturbed for 10 minutes which I usually manage to stretch to half an hour!

And re the wanting different fork etc I just say NO. Eat up or I will take your meal away. They soon get the idea and whilst it doesn't stop the demanding completely, they learn that it's either use the fork they're given or have nothing to eat.

And I agree with getting them to get their own drinks etc. DD now does this all the time, including making herself a sandwich if hungry.

Good idea above re getting a step in the kitchen, I am going to do that so DS can get himself a drink as well. He can't reach the sink so I tend to do that for him, hadn't thought of getting him a step.

I even get DD to sort, fold and put away the laundry which is my worst chore. She loves it though so we're both happy!

MySweetPrince · 29/07/2010 15:54

YANBU to feel frazzled..........YABU to let them command you so.....ASk them to help you with the chores, bedmaking can be fun if you play at peeping whilst doing it, get them to help set the table with their choice of cutlery etc.Mine used to help with the housework if I put on music and we had to do the chores in time with the music.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/07/2010 16:15

Demands for things like specific forks are not tolerated in this house. You allow things like that to happen and hey presto! you're following them around catering to their every whim.

Learn to say no

colditz · 29/07/2010 18:08

The way i do it without feeling mean is to think to myself "Would this demand embarrass me if I found out they were doing it at someone else's house?"

ie "please can I have a drink?" = I would not be embarrassed to hear my child say that to someone else

"I don't like this fork, I wanted the blue one, can you get me the blue one? I'm not eating my dinner with a pink fork."

I would be shamed.

parakeet · 29/07/2010 21:38

I am drilling mine in saying please and thankyou to me always. The 4-year-old is fairly good at remembering now, the 2-year-old is starting. It just makes me feel a lot better about acceding to their requests - it acknowledges that I do it for them as a favour out of love, not because I am their servant.

The other thing that helps is I'm teaching my 4-year-old to do small chores, like taking her plate to the work surface above the dishwasher when she leaves the table.

Of course it's only a minor contribution to the grand scheme of things, but it makes a point - and I intend to increase it.

Original poster

AlwaysSickAndTired · 01/08/2010 18:38

It's been so refreshing to read all the answers. Colditz I like that a lot.

Nothing here I didn't already know so why did I find it so difficult to implement the ideas I don't know. I do believe that I created this situation myself and now it has come back to bite me in the butt. I only have myself to blame and only I can make a stop to it. So I will, in fact, I have already started. Cutlery and straws are now within DC's reach! . Thank you all, seriously.

OP posts:

MmeRedWhiteandBlueberry · 01/08/2010 18:40

You need to get your children to do what they can. Surely they can fetch their own cereal and ketchup? Just tell them to - you are the adult in the relationship after all.

hairytriangle · 01/08/2010 18:42

Can't help but think you sound very ungrateful. That's what kids are like just be grateful you have them!

quaere · 01/08/2010 18:42

You need to get tougher. They do not 'need' a different coloured fork. They will be as demanding as you allow them to be.

sleepingsowell · 01/08/2010 18:56

DS has this tendency I'm afraid - he is a singleton so it's been easy enough for us to fall into this pattern - but it proved easy enough for us to navigate out of. I kept alot of it quite light and humourous rather than making a big issue of it - because I think the more kids feel you're trying to 'make' them do stuff the more likely you are to have oppositional behaviour, depending on the personality of the kid. If DS asked me for a glass of water I would sometimes gasp and look under the table and make a big thing of saying "oh GOD, ds you didn't tell me your legs had fallen off, oh me oh my let me get that water for you" etc etc or sometimes I would even put a dishcloth over my arm waiter style and bring him a glass. We just goofed around sometimes with it. But it was enough for him to gently realise that yes, he had legs and could walk to the tap and yes, I am treating mum like a waiter. Kids are very sensitive and responsive to a bit of reverse psychology, ime.

And of course there are also times when you just want to give the withering look or remind them more strongly that they can get this or that themselves.

oh and as DS has got bigger his wish for independence has got much greater too - he wants to do things for himself etc and doesn't want to ask me most of the time now anyway. So it's a phase as well of course (as is everything!)

MmeRedWhiteandBlueberry · 01/08/2010 19:02

--because I think the more kids feel you're trying to 'make' them do stuff the more likely you are to have oppositional behaviour, ---

I don't find this at all. When mine were little they were always eager to do something new - loading the dishwasher is immense fun for a 2 or 3 year old, even if you have to restack it afterwards (I have to do this when my 47 year old has a go too). Up until about the age of 11 or 12, they have always asked for us to teach them to do such and such. It is such a shame to do things yourself that they are capable of.

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