To move back to UK without DH

[Iloveponies]

I posted something about this yesterday but board was not very busy, so putting it here.

I have been in Switzerland for 2 years,when we moved from England,we said we would stay for 2 years and see how we liked it, I want to go back, kids also say they want to go back but are not as desperate as I am.

I am worried that I am sinking into depression here and might not be able to get out. I feel guilty for wanting to return home,because the lifestyle probably is better here for the children, but I dont fit in,I have tried to learn German but they speak a different dialect here, so communication is a problem. Only a few ex pats here too.

DH says he will come back if that is what I want,when he has found a new job in UK, could be up to a year. I could go back with the kids on my own.

My parents dont like this idea,they are worried DH wont come back (charming) and it is not worth the risk. They also say dont come back here it's gone to the Dogs.

So am I being unreasonable?

Things aren't great economically speaking here that's for sure so I would understand your DH not wishing to come back without a job. Do you work yourself? If not could you come back for a long holiday over the summer to give yourself a break (with your parents?) and see how you feel. Depression might be clouding the issue so you have to be sure it isn't just a case of 'grass is always greener'. Can you try a few other avenues socially - maybe there are some things going on locally that don't require fluent German to participate. Sports / hobbies etc?

hi,is switzerland that bad or are you homesick?do you have a job?how old are your children?what would you do move in with your parents?im your depressed moving might not help and you should see your doctor.

I've lived in a few different places as well and I completely understand how hard it is and how lonely it can be. But I do think it would be dangerous to move back without your DH - wouldn't you both find it terribly hard??

Just one good friend would make such a difference but I know it is easier said than found...could you maybe have one last all-out attack of trying to find likeminded people - start a cooking club or a running club or whatever it is you're interested in, even advertise in the paper (!) - might sound OTT but if it's that or leave without your DH then maybe you might as well?? Do you work? If not, maybe try and find a job - teaching English conversation or doing work for a relocation company that helps expats - anything like that might help to lift you out of the rut...

And meanwhile, set a time limit on your move back, and encourage your DH to actively look for jobs in the UK.

No, yanbu ILP. If you are genuinely unhappy and have been so for two years, then you have every right to come home.

I assume your DH has been aware of your unhappiness so he could have done something about looking for a new job before now.

I moved (a long way but within the UK) a year ago. At the time I told my DP I'd give it a year and see how we got on, because he refused to budge. Well, I've spent a year isolated, miserable and without work. Now I and our DS are moving home. DP thinks I'm being ridiculous but I'm not. So far I've done all the compromising. Now it's his turn.

Being married doesn't mean you have to be miserable.

Have you been back at all since you left?

Maybe you need to spend a bit of time back here on holiday to see if the grass really is greener. Of course, if you have been back already this is a moot point.

iloveponies...I was in a similar situation when we moved to England (I'm not British). I was depressed, home with two babies and no one to talk to aside from my DH.

I realised that it was up to me to create a life for myself here. I did some work experience, went back to uni, and am about to finish my Master's and I have a new job starting in a couple of weeks. At this point, you couldn't get me out of England if you tried...I am invested here now, I have great friends, and my family life is so much happier.

When I first started all these things, I threw up all kinds of barriers "Oh...I have two kids...can't leave them with a childminder, I don't drive, etc., but you know what...I did all that on my own, and I feel great about it...like I'm living here for myself now instead of just DH.

The language barrier is difficult, but you can find ways around it...take a class, get a private tutor...do whatever you can to learn it (I lived in China, too, so I've been there, done that with language difficulties...it is possible!)

This could be a really great opportunity for you all, if you try and make it work!

If you are unhappy then coming back may well be the change you need. I understand what you mean about CH. For a lot of the time I felt I coexisted with the locals, was never part of the community but we were there to perform an economic function (very high % expats working within global companies) and were tolerated on their terms. It is really hard to function in a normal everyday manner you would take for granted in UK. Same lifestyle but different rules. It is very easy to say learn the local lingo but practcialites are that it is time consuming, expensive and even if you try it is evident you are not one of them, although some do appreciate the effort. Those working have a structure to their day, have a ready made set of people to ask for advice and be "friendly" with, often work in English, make regular contact with those back in UK etc

Health service is great but you have to know the system and depression is not positively accepted and treated in the same way as a complicated physical condition. It is n't easy to work as a trailing spouse - children in Swiss schools have odd, uncoordinated timetables, language is often an issue unless you have a transferable profession even if you can get a permit. Owning your own home there is difficult and costly, but renting is not much cheaper.

While we were over there we saw others come and go (also very hard) some left willingly having never settled so that they could resume control of their lives, others more reluctantly due to cirucmstances even where they had planned to stay long term. We felt our stay had run its course, was a good time for us to resuem life in UK as far as dc were concerned and went before it soured. Would even consider a return at some point. ds still misses it though, 5 years on ,and have just booked a short trip pre Xmas.

Having a target date so we could plan our departure well ahead really helped. We could make sure all the vital pieces came together (schools, job, house) so that it was a positive, if sad, feeling coming back. There are a lot of positives you would leave behind but if you feel the need to make roots and plan a way ahead a return may be a good thing. Do you have a house here still as well as family ? Life here isn't so bad really ! good luck

Hi I love ponies,

I've lived abroad too. I know how hard it can be, but also coming home was really hard - I really wanted to come home - but it was still hard, and really stresful. It took me a while to get a new support network, and sort out our house, my children had to go to different schools. My husband stayed abroad for the first three months. It was awful. Only you can make the decision, but coming home by yourself might not take your feelings of depression away.

I could have written your OP.
I moved abroad to be with DH almost 5 years ago and found it very hard to settle. Slightly different in that where we live there are a lot of expats. What I struggle with was the loss of independance and missed my career. I was a real career woman before I moved and was not able to continue that work abroad. Despite having two DC, I vegetated and often wanted to come home but for various reasons (including financial) I didn't. I missed my mum so much (had already lost dad) and longed to spend more time with her. Last summer I was considering moving back to the UK permanently but then mum died 2 weeks before I returned.

I therefore decided to stay abroad, just returning to UK for holidays(normally 2 months in summer) but now feel I don't belong here. I think I've been away too long and just can't settle. Makes me very sad as DC is due to start 'big' school in September and am torn about what to do.

It is a very difficult decison to make. Have you got somewhere to return to? What about DC? would you be able to get them into school? I don't envy your decision but hope you make the right one for all of you.

sorry, meant to say YANBU. If you are doing what is right for you and DC not unreasonable

YANBU, but I wouldn't do it myself. Could you set aside a certain budget for return visits and activities every month, while he actively looks for work in the UK?

I know what others mean about going home, too...sorry, but it just isn't the same when you've been away. We were just in America for holiday, and I said to my DH "is it strange that I feel more foreign here than in England now?" I really find being 'home' harder than I thought I would.

Lots to think about, OP...lots of luck!

You say your parents aren't happy with the idea of you moving home, but would they still be supportive if that's what you chose to do?

Really, this is a descision for you and your DH, and only the two of you know if your relationship would strain if you were separated for a time. I can understand him being concerned about coming back to the UK with the current job situation.

Could you both start looking into it together? Maybe him starting to find out more about what jobs would be available to him, and you finding out about schools for the dc's, housing etc? You are obviously unhappy with your current situation, but perhaps just looking at the alternatives will begin to make you feel better, and possibly less trapped.

YANBU, your happiness is important, for yourself, your marrige, and your children.

eve but do you think that might be because you know you're not staying. Yes it takes time to adapt even when moving back but the basics of life can be so much easier especially if there is no language and cultural barrier.

Hi iloveponies (i love ponies too!). Am also in CH (year and a half) and have only just began to feel settled. it has been much harder than i thought - by now i thought i would have an interesting new job and would be speaking reasonable German. As it is, my dd (2.5)understands far more german than i do and i am still at home bitterly mopping the floors hahah. Getting better but I really do understand your desire to go home.

We did separate countries for the 1st 3 months and it did put a strain on our relationship but it can work..in our case i was bitter and resentful about giving up my 'fat cat' job so took it out on dh and he was a pita too which was the main problem, not the commuting per se. Could he work 4-4.5 days/week and fly back every friday? The good thing is there're heaps of flights back to london (not sure where you'll be). i know lots of people who've made it work, but you need to make sure you see each other regularly and talk a lot. good luck!

Thankyou to everyone for their posts,some really good points here.

ThePheonix I am very sorry to hear about your Mum, that must have been very difficult for you.

Eve I am really pleased you have settled in Britain, dare I say maybe the British are a little more friendly and tolerant of foreigners then the Swiss. I think the Brits have come a long way in welcoming other cultures to Britain and allowing those cultures to contribute with their food and music etc,
Switzerland is fiercly keen to resist foreign influences and uphold their own culture, would you agree with that LIZS? I live in conservative Schwyz though.

LIZS you have the situation in a nutshell.

Language is a problem,
I can get by, but not enough to have a meaningful conversation, I just talk about the weather. My house in england used to be full of the neighbours kids, it just isn't the same for them here.

I think I will try and stick it out until my husband gets a job, after what I have read here, but am really fighting the urge to just leg it,before school starts here.

Iloveponies I had similar issues when I lived in Austria (although I went out alone ust after uni, not with DH and kids etc.).

I think from my experience, it is very easy to let the depression cloud the real issue (I know I did and for the time I felt like that, I could literally see no positive aspects to living in Austria). Moving home alone would IMO create a whole other load of issues around feeling alone and isolated/unsupported etc. probably additional financial stress, etc. so wouldn't be a cure-all.

I think there is some good advice here re planning a fixed date for your return with your DH etc. (I would wager at least, ooooh, £2 that the minute you start planning this, you will feel less 'trapped' and will suddenly start appreciating your current situation all the more!), but it will help you to have some structure to your plans, indefinite feels like a very long time!

D

The Brits are friendly for sure, but foreigners are a novelty...nice to chat to, and ask a million questions about where you're from, NOT, however, to invite into their circle. I didn't make friends until I started my work experience, which was two years after I moved here. Until then, it was only DH when he wasn't at work. And, I had loads of friends everywhere else I lived.

Every country has it's barriers to foreigners. There are ways 'round those!

Eve, sorry I didnt mean to sound as if I was undermining your achievements. I understand what you are saying is that you made a huge effort to adapt and fit in, and it paid off. I take my hat off to you for that.

No, it's okay...I was just emphasizing the point that just because there isn't a language issue, being a foreigner is never easy...I think where ever you are, you have to create your own life, otherwise, you get too sucked into the whole trailing spouse thing. It's hard work, but worth it...I just couldn't stand feeling depressed and friendless anymore!
Good luck

how old are your dc iloveponies?

and no, I don't think YABU. If it isn't for you, best to leave sooner rather than later. A friend of mine did this, she returned to the US and her dh stayed on in Germany till she had herself set up back home and he followed later. They had a strong marriage and it was better for them all in the end.

The thing is to be clear in your mind that you can't (obviously really) run away from the problems in Switzerland back to the UK and everything is alright again. You will need a fair bit of energy, get-up-and-go to sortthings out on your return, maybe also some help. You need to be clear in your mind what it entails and if you put your mind to keeping your relationship intact, I think it is viable.

Of course what your parents say about him possibly not following you, is a risk. I don't know the relationship so couldn't say how realistic a possibility it is.

Thankyou ZZZenAgain,
I think the relationship is stronger and might actually be enhanced by me going for a bit. He would be able to come for visits twice a month, at the moment is quite claustophobic for us, because he is all I have for company here.

It will be so much easier in England to organise myself because I can do it in English.
I take your point about it not being a silver bullet fo all my problems though.

Still thinking it through.

Forgot to say DCs are 11,10,7,6. I have been with my DH for 16 years, he is lovely,a really decent nice bloke and he just wants us all to be happy.

You have my sympathies. I spent 6 months living in Germany with my DH. He is fluent and loved his job, so would have happily stayed. I struggled with the language and was bored stiff. I couldn't work there as we had 3 small DC and also I wasn't fluent in the language. I wanted to kiss the ground when I finally saw Dover. The bliss of being able to buy English magazines and Dairy Milk! But then I am a homebody.
That said, I did like how child friendly the country was, compared to here and I do think I would have enjoyed it more had I got to grips with the language, so I do suggest you focus on that if you do decide to stay. It will be impossible for you to really settle unless you can speak to people