To move back to UK without DH

[Iloveponies]

I posted something about this yesterday but board was not very busy, so putting it here.

I have been in Switzerland for 2 years,when we moved from England,we said we would stay for 2 years and see how we liked it, I want to go back, kids also say they want to go back but are not as desperate as I am.

I am worried that I am sinking into depression here and might not be able to get out. I feel guilty for wanting to return home,because the lifestyle probably is better here for the children, but I dont fit in,I have tried to learn German but they speak a different dialect here, so communication is a problem. Only a few ex pats here too.

DH says he will come back if that is what I want,when he has found a new job in UK, could be up to a year. I could go back with the kids on my own.

My parents dont like this idea,they are worried DH wont come back (charming) and it is not worth the risk. They also say dont come back here it's gone to the Dogs.

So am I being unreasonable?

I think if you went back to the UK with the DC now, and moved into rented accommodation, then you could all see how you like being back in the UK before your DH throws in the towel and joins you. You might find yourself feeling "displaced" in the UK as well, and the DC might decide they preferred Switzerland after all - OR you might all breathe a huge sigh of relief to be home. Either way, you have still a foot in each camp and can choose which way to go.

I emigrated with DH and DS to Australia last year and am settling in - but mostly because of DS - being 2, we have joined a couple of playgroups and I have been very lucky that they weren't full of cliquey types but some really congenial people. So I feel like I have friends now, and tiny rootlets. But I still miss home and am going back for 3 weeks in August - DH is hoping I will miss Australia while I'm over there (I think he's a bit hopeful but who knows!).

We supposedly have a 3 year plan (to allow me to get over the homesickness) but I can't see us going back to the UK unless something drastic happened. I can't see DH agreeing to it (he's Aussie).

I hope you find your way - it must be so hard to still find after 2 years that you aren't dealing well with it (although I have been warned that up to 3 years is a normal time to still feel homesick )

Good luck anyway!

Just to add, if you (as a family) are coming back to the UK, you need to start planning it. Kids do start GCSE courses at 13 now, so you don't have long! Good luck!

They start GCSE at 13! Goodness.

Thumbwitch,that was my view too a foot in both camps,but I thought it might be too disruptive for the kids,to keep moving.

Karmabeliever,kissing the ground at Dover, I will be the same, I am a real homebody too, I thought that moving to Switzerland would expand my comfort zone, but I think it is even smaller here.

I could just eat some Dairy Milk now, sigh

Thumbwitch glad you are starting to feel more settled, when my kids were smaller they definitely helped me to make friends, as you say it takes a while.

Good Luck to you too.

I lived in Germany for a year with my German DH. I was on maternity leave, very isolated, German that was good enough for 'doing things' but not good enough to make real friends.

I came back to the UK to go back to work. DH was supposed to follow (was always the agreement that would happen), but 5 years on, I'm still in the UK and he is working in Germany and here at weekends. It is a viable alternative - a surprising number of Dads (usually seems to be Dads although I know one family where its the other way round) never actually see their children when the kids are awake during the week. DH flies out very early Monday morning and home friday evenings (occaisionally thursday). For us it's now normal.

DH and I have a pretty dodgy relationship, but that is due to other stuff. TBH it is only seeing each other at weekends that probably helps us stay together.

Some regions can be really 'impenetrable' to outsiders and in my experience Germany was appalling at treating even blindingly obvious PND - great services in themselves, but no coordination between them.

It is incredibly hard, I know, but you have to do what works for you. Good luck.

Thank you Iloveponies - I'm hopeful that things will work out ok.

I have never joined any forums before but reading your dilemma by accident through search engine felt that I had to join mumsnet just to reply to your message.

The dilemma you face living there(Switzerland) is almost identical to my situation. We also had the same advice from parents - unless your parents had experienced a similar situation to the one you are in, pay no attention to them whatsoever, they haven't got a clue what they are talking about and is only confusing what your gut instinct is telling you to do.

Depression is only the start if you don't get out of that place soon. Trouble is, to everyone else it looks on the surface to be such a perfect place, don't be trapped and sucked in like so many that didn't have the courage to leave when the going is good.

I was a 'nothing ventured, nothing gained' person before my 4 years there - Switzerland nearly destroyed me, my family and the stress of it all has ruined my quality of life. Anxiety has replaced depression I experienced. I am back in the UK and I appreciate every thing about it warts and all.

Good luck

Hi there. I am a pregnant ex-pat surviving in Germany. I too have had the 'Britain is going to the dogs' speeches over the last 4 years along with Daily Hate clippings from family.

I can speak German, have a part-time job here,
belong to an ex-pat parents social group, an on-line chat forum and DD1 is now bilingual.

BUT I would still be back home like a shot if it was doable and my DH would back me even if it meant living apart for a year.

Having given it 4 years i know where my heart
lies. You should go home before you get more dragged down and your marriage suffers.

The only thing stopping me is finances - the mutual agreements between countries means that the tax implications child benefit etc will be hard to sort at both ends but doable eventually. But add a newborn to the mix and it's a different ballgame.

I will be back by 2012 alone with both DDs if need be and DH doesn't just know this..he advocates it. If you can get out now do it else in 2 years you could be me, the voice of doom moo ha boo ha! xx

I should be in bed so haven't read your replies. I did want to tell you I sympathise. I've lived in Switzerland and just didn't like it. It's a personality thing - I loved Rio, so I guess I prefer messy, sociable & riotous to clean, orderly and restrained. Nice scenery, though. And cakes.

On a (very) slightly less personal note: All the English women I know, who've moved to Switzerland, have wanted to come back. In fact a few did exactly what you're contemplating, for the same reason - depression. The men seem more contented with Swiss life. The economic situation here is very bad. It's far worse than the Govt and the media are saying, so you might want to have some searching conversations with friends over here before you go for it.

It is, however, still Britain and still more relaxed than Switzerland!

I am sorry that you are not enjoying living in Switzerland, Iloveponies.

I do agree that it is difficult to move abroad, I have done it twice - moving to a different country where I did not speak the language. I know how hard it can be.

For me the most important thing is to stop thinking "If I were in UK, I would be doing ... If I were in UK, I could go to Tesco at 9pm and get some chocolate... If I were in UK...".

I have seen many expats come and go in the 18 years that I have been away from UK and the ones who constantly harped back to their old life, went back to UK often and spent a fortune ordering UK groceries, were the ones who were most unhappy. And they were the ones who went back.

It is difficult, and I can imagine that I would find it hard to live in teh German speaking area of Switzerland (we are in Geneva) but it is doable. And there are so many wonderful advantages.

I do not think that one country is better than the other, but that sometimes a country and a lifestyle suits the temperament of a family better.

I would go back to the UK if I were you. It will be like a weight off your shoulders, you will feel free and relaxed again. You can keep struggling on where you are, but it is having an unseen effect on your health. If you go back your DH will probably try to get back sooner as well. If you stay where you are, he may be hoping that you will adjust. Good luck and I hope everything works out well.

I could have written your post I love. We recently left Zug where we had been for three years. The Swiss nationals that I met, over the age of about 35 were the most miserable, moaning judgy people I have had the misfortune to encounter. We are now in Belgium and the difference is immense. DD can play and be a child again, she doesn't have to worry about making noise during quiet time etc. In your case, Schwyz is a very sober canton (poor choice of word but the best I can come up with at the moment). Can you see your GP and talk it over with her. She could offer you some counselling or a course of drugs.
Chin up.

Further to my post I wrote earlier, I have lived in many other places but there is definitely something very strange about living in Switzerland in particular. You have no idea what emotional stress I had to go through to get back to the UK. I had to learn a new technique to communicate to my husband (sound ridiculous I know) in order to get him to sit up and listen. Remember, your DH is heavily influenced by better working conditions, higher salary etc. A few gems that I picked up from other people which helped me get back to the UK.

1. The longer you leave this the worse it will be when you do leave Switzerland for the UK. Someone who didn't have the courage to leave is still there after14 years and hates everyday - she told me that although settling back in the UK will take a rocky 6-9 months or so better than wake up every day miserable.

1. Talk, talk, talk, with your DH and when you think it is all sorted talk some more!!

1. Don't engage in justifying your decision to friends/family back in the UK who question your decision; be quick to remind them why you went there in the first place. I think your were the same as my family who went because a job opportunity came along? A job was offered TO my husband he didn't go looking for it. We didn't go because we all longed to leave the UK and follow a dream or that my husbands career was only able to continue in that country nowhere else!!!

Just think about this for a moment - had you not all gone to Switzerland what/where would you and your family be now do you think?? For us, we were very happy living where we were with no desire to go anywhere apart from abroad on holiday!!! The worst thing for me was my DH's job was travelling so I stayed in the UK for 2 years before following him over there, then from mon to Fri every week he was working in another country so effectively there I was living there alone and my kids were in the swiss school.

1. If your DH is reluctant to take your point of view seriously, suggest having a chat and instead of discussing going forward take a short time to go back and pin point the time where things started to go wrong. Mine was the minute I allowed him to take the job; the day we went from normal family hubby home every evening apart from the odd business trip to life of a single mother but without the dating rights!!!!

1. Look a bit further ahead, my husband wanted to stay and work getting the great salary until he retires in another 7 years and planned to return to the UK then (he has already been there for 6 yrs and me, kids for 4 yrs so I have tolerated it all long enough and tried every scenario in the book to compromise) but once your kids hit the teenage years they begin to suffer the confusion that we have - the stay/go and as they get older they have a problem explaining their identity.

1. The grass is not greener anywhere just different.

1. Another one that the DH's moan about the tax, money etc. You could remind him that had you all stayed in the UK you would have earnt less and the longer it goes on how much is enough???

1. Another excellent piece of advice, quit while you are ahead, the move back is going to be extremely hard, don't make it harder by moving under more stress i.e. the death of a relative etc.

1. This was something else that made me feel that it was the right thing to move back. After a couple of years out there it gets harder to relate to family and friends, to keep all that going and once you get into 3-4 years away it is very hard to maintain relationships, may not be the case for you. And I suppose, in a way, what with skype webcam, email etc. I actually feel that these instant ways of communicating actually hinder our progress to settle in another country anyway when I discussed with my husband what he would do if he was made redundant - his answer was to move back to UK. Next, what would he do if anything happened to me - same reply, back to UK - after many more qu's it was always the same and yet he was no the one to maintain any links via family etc. and he was literally only there for that particular job, would have been different to hear that he loved the country or he would want to work for another employer but no!! And yet, in the first two years that you are at now HE was the one telling me that it was the best place to be. Have to mention this point, he also worked in an english speaking office and made no attempt to learn german.

10.Another south african expat out there sadly said that they can give their kids money and material things but no family! That struck a chord with me. It has made me appreciate even popping to Grannies for a cuppa and hearing the same thing 20 times over!!

I could go on but I think I have written more than enough. I really feel for you and your family.

Myself and the kids returned in May, my husband is commuting between Zurich and UK again, it is the lesser of the two evils for the time being. But a step back to where we belong. Depsite anxiety etc. I am soooooo glad to be home.

What a fantastic post, ilovedogs. Hope it helps you, ponies. I still have family in Switzerland. The elders (women) are really unhappy there, but feel they have to stay because their children - and grandchildren - are now Swiss through & through.

great post ilovedogs, lots of real good experience there. The lure of the money is the danger, but is it really worth it?

I appreciate your comments claig and IfGraceAsks as I have never written anything like this before. I only hope it helps ilove ponies and any other women in a similar situation. I am more than happy if my children decide to travel the world when they grow up and would encourage it but I would also highlight the pitfalls and what to expect AND to always make sure that they were welcome to come home (to their own country) when it was right for them. For me personally looking forward, it is right to bring them up and for them to leave home; had we done what my husband planned it would have meant us leaving them there. It didn't sit right with me.

Another friend who 'escaped' back to Ireland a month after me had lived there for 14 years in total, the first 10 years before her and her DH had children, all was great; when they were both working they had a fantastic lifestyle but everything changed when she stopped working and became a SAHM. The funny thing was I was a SAHM in the Uk before I left so I knew what I was in for but there was something else I can't put my finger on. She referred to life there as a mother with two kids -living in a golden cage!!

And we haven't even touched on the education side of things!! I home schooled my two in Maths and English for 3 of the 4 years we were there; on top of their swiss school day. This was a massive chore to get them to do this but it meant that on return to the UK they were actually above the National Curriculum!! If iloveponies has not kept up Eng and Maths she may be OK if only been away from UK for 2 years but much longer and you really are making it tougher for your kids.
I would love to hear what road iloveponies finally decides to take. I wish her and her family the very best. It is said that it takes 3 years to really settle into what will be a normal life there. My brother-in-law who had also lived abroad albeit without children gave me the best advice ever. If you have any unresolved doubts after three years get yourself out of the place as quick as humanly possible. Move on, don't prolong the agony.

claig, the lure of money is very dangerous and it is easy to see why the divorce rate is so high among ex pats. On the other side of the coin this experience has taught me many lessons and has taught my whole family more than they would have ever learnt in a classroom.
Having a great deal of respect in your marriage has never been so important.Unfortunately, forgotten or ignored by so many.

This thread is scaring the crap out of me. I've just arrived in Zug with two children

Know what you mean SallyinSwitzerland. We're due to be going out there to Zug in a couple of months indefinitely - no fixed term contract. 2 teenagers. Mind you, we're pleased to be leaving the USA after nearly 6 years here.

oops! Just realised this thread is 6 months old....