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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get a bit sensitive when my DH says

66 replies

MilMae · 28/07/2010 20:56

I look "ugly"????
Had DS 6 months ago, lost most of baby weight - I'm a size 8-10, but still a bit(some days a lot) of baby ouch. Can't remember ever putting make up on, except once or twice we gone out, since then.
I try to laugh it out and joke back: "look at your fat belly".
Maybe he is only joking, but sometimes I get a bit sensitive...
I am just being a whimper?

OP posts:

MathsMadMummy · 29/07/2010 09:05

does he help out with the baby and give you time to rest? you can't look after yourself if you have no time for it can you.
glad you're feeling better, I agree with the others that he's an arse

susie100 · 29/07/2010 09:05

This is dreadful what a nice chap he sounds. In what context does he say it?

How do YOU feel about yourself? I am jealous of your size 8-10 self! Have to say though that I wore make up and groomed myself, tried to get back in shape after the DDs because it made ME feel better.

Baileysismyfriend · 29/07/2010 09:12

What an arse. Tell him how he made you feel, he should realise what a git he has been.

Original poster

MilMae · 29/07/2010 09:13

susie, I feel good about myself, mostly.
I know I am good looking, attractive, I just can't be bothered to work on my appearance anymore - or don't have the time.
I guess everybody needs some reassurance sometimes

OP posts:

susie100 · 29/07/2010 09:23

Absolutely! He should be making you feel like a godess of the highest order.
How/when does he say you are ugly though?

SlackSally · 29/07/2010 09:30

In 6 years together, my DP has never once called me ugly. He's never even said I look bad in a certain outfit or anything like that.

If you love someone then a) you don't tend to 'see' the bad bits, and b) if they are having a rougher day, you're tactful about telling them and you're understanding about the reasons why.

AND I haven't carried and given birth to his child yet...

minxofmancunia · 29/07/2010 09:48

He should never tell you you are ugly, never, never, never especially after having a baby. To him you should be gorgeous, first thing, last thing, during and immediately post birth, wearing a sack, surgical scrubs whatever.

YANBU.

My dh and me have had our probs but he's always always thought i'm beautiful, says from the moment he met me he thought I was gorgeous and has been v supportive when I felt fat after birth of boths dcs. Tells me nearly everyday how great i look although he hates the slippers i wear round the house with a passion!

If it will make you feel better wearing make up and heels again for YOU then do so (it does me so i put it on everyday)but don't do it for him.
Size 8-10 6 months post birth is amazing

superv1xen · 29/07/2010 10:59

just wanted to add as well, me ex used to put me down and make me feel like shit after my son was born 4 and a bit years ago. i ditched the twat and never looked back, i am now much happier with someone else (who thinks i am gorgeous no matter what) and have another baby with new dp as well. personaly i couldnt stay with someone who was so cruel and disrespectful. i bet you are gorgeous.

how old are you?

dinkystinky · 29/07/2010 11:11

He is an idiot OP. Either ignore him or next time say, tell you what, why dont you get a uterus, grow and give birth to a child and love, nourish and look after after them 24/7 for 6 months and see how you look after all that - then we'll be able to see which of us is most likely to win a beauty pageant, until then be supportive or be quiet.

FWIW, my style changed alot after having kids (no longer felt the lure of the high heels) and DH has never once called me ugly as a result.

Original poster

MilMae · 29/07/2010 11:40

I'm feeling so touched!!! you girls have been so supportive!! thanks
I'm 35 and have a Latin touch to my looks.
I honestly don't know what gets to his head sometimes, small things, but in the end of the day matters a lot to me. Like, when I got my hair cut and thought looked fab (I made an effort!), or when I wear some of my pre-pregnancy clothes (though with a bit of tummy...). I feel good and want some reassurance from him. Really really upsets me when he says I look ugly. Can be he is only joking, but why? when he knows I'm looking for compliment?

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 29/07/2010 11:47

Because he is trying to put you down so that you don't have self confidence. That's the only reason.

Is he generally a good guy? Supportive of your career, hands on with the baby, does his fair share of housework? Does he have a tendency towards jealousy?

Original poster

MilMae · 29/07/2010 11:55

he is a good guy, honest, supportive with career and does help a bit with DS and house.
Well, I've heard what you all said and will take it on board. Probably because my response was joking back to him, he didn't realise how upset I got. Will make my point to him if it happens again(hope it doesn't)

OP posts:

minipie · 29/07/2010 11:58

He said what?

That is not acceptable. And, sorry to say this, but I think men who truly love their wives would not say that to them - especially when they have just had a baby.

It sounds like he is incredibly shallow and cares more about your looks than your well being. He is trying to bully you back into the heels and make up because that's all he cares about.

I think you need to ask him whether it is YOU he cares about or just your LOOKS.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 29/07/2010 11:58

I do think you have to make this an absolute no-no. None of this "but you're not taking care of yourself", or "I'm just being encouraging" or "fine, if you can't handle the truth". It hurts your feelings, it's a vile thing to say, if he loves you he will NOT, ever, say it again. You don't need to get drawn into an argument about your looks, just keep repeating 'that's a vile, hurtful thing to say, I am telling you that I won't tolerate it'.

ViveLaFrak · 29/07/2010 12:06

What a horrible thing to say! Next time he says you should spend more time looking after your appearance hand him DS, book yourself into a spa for a today, come back and tell him that he looks ugly and should have made more of an effort. I bet he wouldn't like it.

Pancakeflipper · 29/07/2010 12:14

he calls you ugly because it does upset you. He's hitting on a weak spot on purpose ( to bolster his own ego??).

My OH has never called me ugly before, after or during my pregnancies. Even when I lost 2 stone he was " I miss your tummy.". He knows I like to look pretty and thankfully it's the natural look for me!

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