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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect friends to be sensitive to dh's feelings when mil dying?

38 replies

jujuthejetmum · 28/07/2010 09:29

Am I being over sensitive that a friend sends this joke text to my dh when he and his dad has just received news from hospital about his mum not having long to live (which said friend knows).

At the hospital the doctor takes the husband aside, and said, ?I don?t like the looks of your wife at all.?
?Me neither doc,? said the husband.
?But she?s a great cook and really good with the kids.?

I realise it was part of a group text but do are people really that insensitive?

OP posts:

Katisha · 28/07/2010 09:34

Probably just being thoughtless.

I hate jokes being sent round on texts and emails anyway.

Original poster

jujuthejetmum · 28/07/2010 09:47

He asks how things are and when dh replies he ignores it. It's just creating extra stress for him - like you say being thoughtless.

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Katisha · 28/07/2010 09:50

WHat does DH think? Is it upsetting him?

Original poster

jujuthejetmum · 28/07/2010 10:03

Yes it is as he is a very sensitive guy and worried it's putting extra pressure on him. He's looking at his phone expecting the same support we give people and it's not there

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Chil1234 · 28/07/2010 10:09

If he wants support he needs to ask... and be specific. We all cope with stress differently and the joke-sender might genuinely think that some black humour would cheer someone up. Expecting others to know what we need is a recipe for disappointment. Tell people how he is feeling, ask for help and be specific.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 28/07/2010 10:10

YANBU I don't think that person is really a proper friend, tbh. Whether it was actively insensitive or just thoughtless, doesn't matter a good friend would manage not to be that thoughtless when their mate's mum is dying, fgs.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 28/07/2010 10:13

xpost with Chil, but respectfully disagree that anyone could reasonably think that particular joke would cheer up someone whose mother was dying! Even if they did, it's so ill-judged as to be quite horrible IMO. At the very least they ought to have realized it was a definite gamble...

Original poster

jujuthejetmum · 28/07/2010 10:22

Chil1234 He doesn't want help he's doing just fine he just wants people to acknowledge the situation. Why ask how things are and then when you tell them they don't answer? The guy knows the situation and his wife says he plays mind games. Thing is we don't want any confrontation but want him to leave us alone.

OP posts:

DorotheaPlenticlew · 28/07/2010 10:23

Think your DH should just try to ignore him.

Original poster

jujuthejetmum · 28/07/2010 10:27

We've tried that but he's got issues and is an attention seeker (hence the jokes) texts constantly about how he's having a bad day, etc. His wife is as bad.

I'm so mad at him I want to tell him what I think but wary he's a bit of a bunny boiler.

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Original poster

jujuthejetmum · 28/07/2010 10:34

The weird thing is he's not dh's friend really he's married to my college friend who I've only recently got back in touch with after 20 yrs. We met up a few times and had a laugh and he started texting us both all the time. We texted them because her Aunt had cancer and then died so we kept asking if she was ok as she was being very over dramatic about it all. Now we're in the same situation with dh's mum they seem to have dropped us and being very insensitive. She texts me wanting to know why I'm not talking to her on fb - I've got more important things on my mind at the moment ffs.

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Original poster

jujuthejetmum · 28/07/2010 10:52

Thanks for your opinions - think I've seen sense and decided to stop worrying about people who don't matter. I'll try not to rise to their attention seeking, hope they're not completely insane and ignore them and hopefully they'll get the message eventually x

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RunawayWife · 28/07/2010 11:09

DH got one about Princess Margaret having a stroke a week after his dad died of a stroke, bad taste but sometimes people do not think

StealthPolarBear · 28/07/2010 11:21

It is thoughtless - exactly. Hope fully the person would be horrified to realise what they'd done.
DH got a jokey card - this one and I very nearly had it up when a friend came to visit whose dad recently tragically drowned. There are also other reasons why the card would have seemed particularly insensitive. Point it - I didn't - I realised in time and thought how it would look.

BellevilleRendezvous · 28/07/2010 11:31

they sound like a waste of space and not really like friends at all. if you think they've dropped you (though if they're texting and chatting on fb doesn't sound like it) then let them. delete their phone nos, ignore their texts, remove them as fb friends or ignore on fb if defriending would just create aggro. you don't need people like this in your life and especially not at the moment.

sorry about your mil.

Original poster

jujuthejetmum · 28/07/2010 12:47

Thanks x

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Original poster

jujuthejetmum · 28/07/2010 12:54

stealthpolarbear do u know I don't think he would be horrified if he knew cos I texted back straight away and said don't send that to .... (dh) and he hasn't even acknowledged me reply and still sent it. I kept making excuses for him cos he kept ignoring dh's texts about his mum but I just think he's an arse tbh.

Pity is she is really clueless and suffers for his behaviour. She's already said he's played mind games with her for years. It's a pity I like her but her husband is so over bearing he can't stand to see her have something he hasn't got (ie. close friendship).

I've removed him from my friends list on fb this morning anyway so the poo will probably hit the fan just hope my hubby doesn't suffer any fallout for it. x

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 28/07/2010 13:15

yes, in that case he sounds like an arse!
Hope your DH is OK

ChippingIn · 28/07/2010 13:48

jujuthejetmum - sorry to hear about your MIL.

The guy is a complete arse - can you block him on your mobiles.

No matter how much you like this woman, your life was ticking along fine without her. If her DH continues to be such a complete arse I wouldn't hesitate to tell her that you don't want any more contact with him and see her on her own - or not at all. You don't need a git like this in your life.

Original poster

jujuthejetmum · 28/07/2010 16:27

Thanks I think hubby has blocked him on his mobile but we can't work out how to do it on mine.

DH seems to be coping well (at the moment) he has surprised me, he has his moments which is to expected but he's researched and knows what to expect in her final days which will be hard. He seems to be planning positively for what he's going to do in the future and says he's come to a stage in his life when he knows what bridges are worth crossing and which to burn.

What you say is true and you've reassured me lots that I wasn't being unreasonable to think this bloke was being insensitive. I just can't understand people like that but I suppose you can't reason everyone's behaviour but I like to think people would treat you as you'd treat them especially friends.

As I've said before it's times like these you find out who your friends are.

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ChippingIn · 28/07/2010 17:17

Yep - somethings in life really weed out your friends and it's a good thing in the long run - you can then share you time & energy with people who are 'worth it'.

Your DH sounds like a lovely bloke - I'm really sorry he's going through this. No matter how prepared you think you are though, when it comes to it, you aren't. Encourage him to talk to his Mum about everything he can, her life before him, his childhood, but also her thoughts and feelings, not just facts.

I want to kick that idiot for you!! I'm glad DH had blocked him on his phone.

Original poster

jujuthejetmum · 28/07/2010 17:27

Thanks that's very kind unfortunately it's come on so quick we he hasn't had the opportunity to have those talks because she's been too tired and it seems she's just wanting to sleep all the time now.

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ChippingIn · 28/07/2010 17:35

Is there anything he really wants/needs to ask her? I know she's tired, but he can't wait until she's better to do it... I hope he's able to spend some time just sitting with her.

Life can be really, really bloody unfair x

You are all in my thoughts...

ChippingIn · 04/08/2010 20:03

I just wanted to say 'Hi' and let you know I was still thinking about you and your DH, sending him much love through this really awful time x

Original poster

jujuthejetmum · 08/08/2010 08:12

Hi Chippin thank you - I passed your message on. Told him I'd started a thread on here and it had helped. He seemed surprised but please :)

He was a bit sad last night said he felt non of his friends were true friends but we said we were glad we had each other and that's all that matters at the moment. (another friend from school sending jokes!

MIL home now but visits getting harder x

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