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AIBU?

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Original poster

to expect friends to be sensitive to dh's feelings when mil dying?

38 replies

jujuthejetmum · 28/07/2010 09:29

Am I being over sensitive that a friend sends this joke text to my dh when he and his dad has just received news from hospital about his mum not having long to live (which said friend knows).

At the hospital the doctor takes the husband aside, and said, ?I don?t like the looks of your wife at all.?
?Me neither doc,? said the husband.
?But she?s a great cook and really good with the kids.?

I realise it was part of a group text but do are people really that insensitive?

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 08/08/2010 08:36

Juju - your DH's feelings about who are real friends are totally natural. When my parents died last year I really found out who my friends are, but you have to be aware that as a nation we are useless at dealing with terminal illness and death and people do not know how to react.

However, this bloke sounds like a horrible person.

Take care of yourselves.

Ilythia · 08/08/2010 08:47

Morning juju, I hadn't spotted this before but I am in much the same position, MIL is in hospital atm unresponsive and DH is up with her.
If anyone had sent him this 'joke' I imagine he would not be talking to them anytime soon. DH and I have discovered who the real friends are as I am here on my own with DD's and aome of his friends are checking in with me and seeing if I need anything rather than bother him.

Wishing you both strength and love anyway, xx

Original poster
jujuthejetmum · 08/08/2010 09:13

Thank you and my condolences to both of you lilred & ilythia :(

We have been questioning lots of things because we can't understand why we spend so much time thinking, worrying and supporting other people and when we are going through this we have no one - why do we have selfish friends? is everyone selfish? why do they care about everyone else but not us?

Like I say we have cut off the fb friend and her hubby now because they have shown their true colours. I don't know if they had a lighthouse moment and realised or not but it's too late now.

Now his so called best mate from school who used to go on holiday with his family when they were kids is now sending jokes up to late at night but doesn't ask how he is. I find it so strange how these men behave but no it's their immaturity.

It's so inconsiderate and really annoying to see it stressing out dh - he's blocked him out of his phone too now, so now that's about everyone. Worried that he's going to become depressed - is it enough to get through just with each other? Just hoping one day we will have some genuine friends but then we will have passed the worse. I'm so stressed and frustrated myself now cos u need the strength that comes from knowing that people care. DH says he doesn't want to talk about just to know that someone's actually acknowledging it. A text would help - but to send loads of jokes all night long is not support. Sorry for ramble

OP posts:
Original poster
jujuthejetmum · 08/08/2010 09:15

Ilythia - may I ask what your MIL is suffering from - is it cancer too? x

OP posts:
Ilythia · 08/08/2010 09:29

Thanks juju, my MIL has been having a series of strokes, it's been veyr up and down actually as she was suppsoed ot be coming home next week but then last week she had another and is now unresponsive in hospital after spending 6 months in rehab.
DH is getting very stressed as we live nearly 150 miles away and he works 6 days a week most weeks so it is hard to spend time with her. Have been biting my tongue a lot these last few months.
His friends do tend to do the 'brush it under the carpet' thing too, no-one really knows what to say, I find it hard to talk to him about it as he really doesn't want to discuss it, but I think there is a difference between sending chatty texts and outright offensive ones.

Original poster
jujuthejetmum · 08/08/2010 09:38

It's this unresponsive stage that seems to be the hardest to have to just sit with them almost just waiting for the end.

It is a lot of pressure and you will find that you'll be taking a lot of that from DH like myself. Stay strong xx

It's bringing back memories for me of this stage when my DF died 10 years ago, he was ill for a year. My MIL's illness has only been about 6 weeks so we haven't got our heads around it yet. I know we can get through as we've been there before and hopefully it'll make us stronger x

I'm going to take this time to make up some dinners for FIL - something positive.

take care speak later

OP posts:
Ilythia · 08/08/2010 09:59

thanks. It's hard in one way as he is up there and we are not, mainly because taking DD's up only ensures no-one gets any sleep or privacy to be sad (the house is veyr small) but DH is only calling once a day as he really doesn't want to talk about it, which is hard on me and girls as I want to support him.

It is harder now, for sure, when she was in rehab she was able to talk etc and cognitively was herself so we could text each other every day and I could send her pics of the girls but now it's just bedside vigil stuff, which is so sad.
DO you have DC's? I amasking as we are not sure what to tell ours. they are 2 and 4 and the 4 yr old knows grandma is back in hospital but we are not sure whether to try and prepare them for something which may not happen. Oh it just sucks.

I have spent a lot of time the last few days bitching on this thread which has helped me get a ot of the anger/stress out of my system so I don't lose it with the dd's or dh so if you need a safe space to vent that may help?

Original poster
jujuthejetmum · 08/08/2010 16:29

Your situation must be very difficult with your DH having to travel and therefore leaving you with the girls. Probably best they're not visiting her now - it's too confusing. Mine are DD (5) and DS (8) and DD is asking lots of questions now. I've just told her that Nanny is still very poorly and just sleeps lots now. DS is aware of the situation and asked if she's going to die a few weeks ago - he's been a great support. I'd say you can't prepare your DC as they are too young to comprehend it. I just wait until they ask questions then answer best I can and most sensitively I can.

I had a look at your thread which made me laugh

OP posts:
Dimtan · 08/08/2010 17:07

Glad it raised a smileSmile

DNephews are your dc's age, I know SIL has told the elder that Grandma is not well and back in hospital but not the younger one. It's hard isn't it? Luckily DD1 was going through a 'death' phase a few months ago but seems to have dropped it for now.
They have visited her a couple fo times but found it scary seeing her in teh wheelchair and with the slurred speech so we try and keep it light and easy as that upsetted her.
We are just waiting for tomorrow now when the consultant will come back after his lovely weekend off and tell us wtf is going on...(sorry for rant)

Original poster
jujuthejetmum · 09/08/2010 20:14

Just thinking about you - what was the outcome of the consultants' visit have you heard?

OP posts:
Ilythia · 09/08/2010 22:31

Juju, thats sweet of youto think about us. They are pretty sure she is not coming out of it. Its not good. Dh came home earlier as there is really nothing he can do there as they don't think she is aware of much. Its not fair, is it?
just waiting game now Sad

How are you guys doing?

Original poster
jujuthejetmum · 11/08/2010 09:20

It seems that both our families are at about the same stage, very sad - thanks for your support. DH didn't go yesterday think it's hard for him when not getting much response, it's just really to support his dad.

Catch up with you on the other threads - stay strong x

OP posts:
Ilythia · 11/08/2010 11:36

Right back at you, will be around if you need a rant, I am sure I will!

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