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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want DSS's Mum at my DD's birthday party

39 replies

spybear · 27/07/2010 19:52

DD is going to be 3 on sunday. We have rented a community centre for a friends and family party with bouncy castle ect.

Only going to be a small 'do' with about 11 kids.

We have invited DSS who is 8. His mum and my DP have been seperated for 7 years, they are not on great terms, as they literally never speak. so we text to ask if DSS could come as it is not our weekend with him.

She text back saying 'yeah thats fine, but could I bring DSS's little sister as it would be nice for her and stay with them'.

The little sister is only 1YO, so is not going to be bothered if she misses the party.

So at this party is going to be my family (DP's don't want to come), and my friends (DPs friends don't have children so wouldn't come) and her.....great.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 27/07/2010 19:56

Just say no sorry, there isent the room or we are too high on numbers.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/07/2010 19:57

yes. great. Great opportunity to build bridges because it would be in all the children's best interests if all the adults could find a way to be around each other.

You have an opportunity here. It takes 2, of course, and if she's not willing, then nothing to be done. But perhaps she's receptive because after all, she's suggesting coming and staying at the party.

poshsinglemum · 27/07/2010 19:58

Hmm- do you think she will spoil the party? Mabe nows the time to build bridges. Like her or loathe her she is ''family''. She's no threat to you surely. Why dosn't your dh have a good relationship with her?

atswimtwolengths · 27/07/2010 19:59

Why do they never speak? Do you mean they don't chat, or that they don't say a word to each other?

Were you the other woman? Does she have a partner now?

blowninonabreeze · 27/07/2010 20:00

I'd perhaps look on it as her attempt to build bridges? After all its her who has suggested it.

scurryfunge · 27/07/2010 20:00

Doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

LisaD1 · 27/07/2010 20:01

I agree with Hectate.

You have at least 8 more years of dealing with your DSS mum, it will be a lot easier if you can all be amicable.

My ex's parents never exclude my 2nd DD from anything (my DH is her dad) and it makes life so much easier all round if the adults can get along for special events. Maybe she is extending an olive branch?

PosieParker · 27/07/2010 20:04

Agree with Hectate.

cupofteaplease · 27/07/2010 20:04

Sounds like a good idea to me.

I went to my ex's wedding the other week as our dd was his new wife's bridesmaid. My dh and our dd came along too and dd loved playing with both her sisters on the dancefloor.

Life really is too short.

callalilies · 27/07/2010 20:04

Why don't you want her there, what do you think she will do/say?

Gigantaur · 27/07/2010 20:06

I would see it as her trying to build bridges with you all.

Whatever happened with your DP and her is not your concern. they may hate each other but there is no reason why you , as mothers, cannot get along for the sake of all your children.

Original poster
spybear · 27/07/2010 20:09

Do you know what, it never even crossed my mind that she might be trying to build bridges. DP will say no, she w=is nit like that and would never try and build bridges, but to be honest he hasn't spoken to her for 8 yrs so she could of changed.

Thay haven't spoken as they had some fallings out in the early days over money and other little things and whenver they have spoken since it has more swipes, so DP has always maintained it is just best for DS if he has him at his weekends and not try to get on with her or speak to her, i have always been a bit , but it seems to work for them.

No i wasn't the other woman!! Although DP and I did get together 6 months after they split, so quite soon.

OP posts:
OctaviaH · 27/07/2010 20:09

more the merrier, surely? Unless there's some history you haven't mentioned?

nzshar · 27/07/2010 20:11

Yes yes yes as a stepmum to dss 16 and mum to ds 6 build bridges where and whenever possible. Though dss's sister is not blood reletive to your dd it is part of dss's extended family ( my dss has 4 other siblings as well as our ds). IMHO it makes it all easier in the long run. Dp, his ex (dss's mum) and me all get along now after meetings like this.

Original poster
spybear · 27/07/2010 20:12

*isn't like that

OP posts:
MrsC2010 · 27/07/2010 20:13

I'd just say yes, fine, be good to see you/little one.

Original poster
spybear · 27/07/2010 20:17

Yes, we have said for her to come, we couldn't say no really.

But it will be weird as everyone will know each other, and everyone will know she is the ex!!

I should imagine she thinks it is going to be lots of other mums there from nursery or something, but it wont be like that, it'll be my friends anf family!

OP posts:
PosieParker · 27/07/2010 20:27

If you look forward to it and break the ice everyone else will follow your lead. Afterall relationships end and new ones have to be made and redefined.

Doodleydoo · 27/07/2010 20:35

This could be great for you all, and really good for the children in general - you don't really want dss to not be able to talk about his other half sister do you? I think it is brilliant and a good step - after all perhaps she would like to get to know the woman that her ds knows!

LimaCharlie · 27/07/2010 20:39

She must really want to work on the relationship with you as its quite a brave thing for her to do.

Good on you for being an adult and working in the interests of your DSS by agreeing for them to come

ZZZenAgain · 27/07/2010 20:39

I don't think she is coming to cause trouble in front of her 8 year old and the 1 year old
. It sounds a bit uncomfortable to me, but maybe it is going to be fine. Do you have a rrelative you could have on duty more or less around her - brother or something to chat away to her, keep an eye on things if there is any trouble.

Bonsoir · 27/07/2010 20:42

Crikey. How difficult!

Deeply, deeply weird for your DD to have her elder half-brother's mother and half-sister at her birthday party.

I think you should say that DSS' sister is not invited.

Kathyjelly · 27/07/2010 20:45

SB. I understand your sentiments completely. I don't want my DP's ex anywhere near our DS. In fact I'd be glad never to see her again.

So, yes it may be irrational, yes, making friends would probably be best for the children and yes, I hear all the other arguments for, but I know exactly where you are coming from. I admire your tolerance.

Original poster
spybear · 27/07/2010 20:45

Oh no I don't think there will be trouble.

I just think she is not going to realise it is just friends and family until she is there. And then yes is it going to be uncomfortable.

But I will happily chat to her as I have tried before. She has talked to me a few times but I always feel like I am trying too hard and she hasn't any time for me.

OP posts:
ruthosaurus · 27/07/2010 20:50

Can you text her to let her know it is just going to be your friends and family? Or would that be treading on you DP's toes?