I don't want DSS's Mum at my DD's birthday party

[spybear]

DD is going to be 3 on sunday. We have rented a community centre for a friends and family party with bouncy castle ect.

Only going to be a small 'do' with about 11 kids.

We have invited DSS who is 8. His mum and my DP have been seperated for 7 years, they are not on great terms, as they literally never speak. so we text to ask if DSS could come as it is not our weekend with him.

She text back saying 'yeah thats fine, but could I bring DSS's little sister as it would be nice for her and stay with them'.

The little sister is only 1YO, so is not going to be bothered if she misses the party.

So at this party is going to be my family (DP's don't want to come), and my friends (DPs friends don't have children so wouldn't come) and her.....great.

don't really know why she wants to be there with the 1 year old tbh

Could it be because this is not your regular weekend to have him and he would ordinarily be with her so this is her time , something like that?

Since you've said yes, and Iagree what else could you have done really, I think best just be stoical about it and try to relax and enjoy it anyway

ruthosaurus I have no idea how to word a text like that without sounding unfriendly, don't think DP would do it anyway.

There's nothing deeply weird about it. Amicable is all good.

If you text her to say "you do know it's my friends and my family, don't you?" then tbh you may as well text "fuck off" because that's how it will be seen.

It's time that you all moved on from past arguments and redefined the relationship you all have. Splitting up is a bitter time, with arguments, it doesn't mean you cannot - sorry they cannot , move on from that. It sounds like she is willing to. That just leaves your husband.

I typed "think of the children" then but it made me think of "won't somebody pleeeeease think of the children..." so I binned it.

YANBU - it depends on whether or not you think you and your DS will be able to enjoy the day.

I tried to build bridges with DSD's mum, despite years of vile and unnecessary abuse to me. But I tried for the sake of DSD. I had to bite my tongue so many times, and stop myself from snapping when faced with THE most ludicrous accusations etc.

However much I tried, she is absolutely impossible to get along with, and I do not want her to have anything to do with my DS at all and she will never ever enter a party or anything to do with our son as I do not want any of her ranting and negativity to rub off on him.

However, if there is a chance that you can build bridges and get on, and it will not spoil your DS's day then I'd say go for it and be the bigger person.

It doesn't have to be uncomfortable. My ex and his parents attending the joint christening of our daughter and mine and my husband's daughter. They were the only ones there from that side of the family. The rest was my family and mine/my husbands friends.

Everyone just treated them as another guest and we all had a really lovely time. My daughter was absolutely delighted that all her parents were there and things have definitely improved since then.

Go into it with an open mind and friendly attitude and hope that she does the same.

Sorry can I just clarify, despite what I posted about my circumstances, I think it would be good if you can go into this with an open mind: try it, it might work out really well and you may come away from the party feeling a sense of relief/happiness that it can be like thast - and the kids will no doubt love it.

If it turns out that it is awkward or if it makes you or any of the children feel uneasy, then you will at least know that you have tried and you can learn from it.

like that

Well done that is lovely . Don't forget to make at least some time to chat and make her feel welcome she may feel a bit out of it if she doesn't know Many of the guests.

well you are being very mature

I completely understand why you feel odd, but if its for the greater good...

lets hope she does not turn up pissed in a red leather cat suit eh

I am a step mum and have been to my stepsons' birthday parties. All very friendly and although not some of my most exciting afternoons what child's party is? That being said I'm not sure I would want my husbands ex at my daughters' birthday.

I know it's not helpful other than I can understand why you would feel awkward about this.

I think she is sounding quite polite actually. She is not just leaving the boy with you but staying and is politely asking if the 1 yr old could come too. I always ask if my youngest can come as it is presumptuous to just bring him. I suppose that you could text her saying that she can leave her son at the party if she would like but equally she is welcome to stay?

i think she sounds like she's making an effort.
i get on very well with my DD's stepmum, who is wonderful.
i know im lucky, but i wouldnt miss an opportunity to get to know her. just dont make a big deal out of it, just say yes, will be nice to see all the kids together, see you there

and see what happens.

one of my friends pointed out that its not that wierd if mums and stepmums get on. after all, you do share a taste in men and look after their kids.

I think it's a great idea. My dsis has been known to babysit for her ex and his new dp. Partially I think for my niece's sake as the little boys are her brothers but partially because my dsis is a great person!