to be getting a bit bridezilla?

[Butterpie]

So, I'm getting married at the end of August. We're trying to keep it low key for several reasons, not least being that we are skint, but various family members have persuaded us to get more and more elaborate (eg my mum went out for a coffee with me and, when both my children were asleep, took me to Debenhams to buy a big white dress- that I had sworn I wouldn't wear- but she persuaded me to try one on, then bought it for me, so I can hardly complain...).

Anyway, tomorrow I am going back to the town where I grew up for my hen night and to see everyone. My sister is visiting from London, it is rare to get all my sisters together so I have been really looking forward to it, especially as I have few close friends near where I now live and anyway have the children so haven't been for an aimless wander round shops/a coffee in a real grown up cafe/a drink in a pub at night time/etc for months and months. I was hoping for some lovely girly bonding with my old friends, sisters, mum, nana, aunties, etc.

Since my sister got there a couple of days ago, I have had phonecalls, messages and facebook messages telling me they have been shopping for wedding things and bought several things, how much fun they are having all together talking about the wedding, how they are not bothering with my idea of making our own flowers for our hair (I love craft and have been amusing myself daydreaming how to make the things, saving up the matierials etc) and instead have bought some headpieces, they have altered the bridesmaid dresses (which I have only seen in a picture). They are talking about buying my shoes as I "can't" go through with my plan of wearing my docs (I have spd, I will be in agony if I don't wear supportive shoes, and anyway said dress is floor length), they are all telling me I "can't" breastfeed at the wedding.

Now, I am possibly BU here, because when they have asked me what i am doing with things like jewellery and so on, I have said that we will sort it out when I visit, if we get round to it, basically because I would find it really hard to go shopping with both kids in tow by myself, and anyway, I am skint. I have been looking online though, and in charity shops and craft fairs. They seem to have taken this to mean I don't care, and so they should make all the decisions for me as they don't want to look "a state". They are also all getting new makeup, hairdos, etc, which again I can't afford, and telling me how much fun they are having.

Apparently we can't go shopping when I am there, because we will have the kids. So between me, three adult bridesmaids (two of which are primary school teachers), my mum and my nana (who is old, but used to be a nursery nurse and loves the children to bits) we apparently won't be able to manage two children, but I ABU for not going shopping by myself, miles away from eveyone, with two kids in tow.

So, am I being bridezilla here, or is it reasonable to want at least one girly shopping trip out for your own wedding? I'm not usually one for girliness, but, good God, how much would I give for one afternoon of not being the sole adult in charge and getting to try on amusing hats and gossip.

Last night, me and DP chose our wedding rings, the cheapest we could find, but they will be lovely because they are our rings, and it isn't "us" to spend loads on things like that. However, one bridesmaid has spent more on a headpiece that I haven't even seen than we have spent on both rings.

I'm going to elope at this rate. I just want to be DP's wife. Big dresses and so on are fun, but if I am doing this, I want at least some say. It is OUR wedding, not the bloody bridesmaids.

(All the bridesmaids are single and childless as well- I get the idea they have all planned their weddings down to the tablecloths, but have no men to do it with)

"have bought some headpieces, they have altered the bridesmaid dresses" - i would be really upset and livid about that.

You wear your docs with pride! And breastfeed. They have turned you into a wedding doll to dress up how THEY want. They will get their own chance...

I would consider eloping too...

YANBU or Bridezilla. I can't believe they're all doing everything without you! Ask your Mum and Nana to babysit while you shop with your bridesmaids, then ask bridesmaids to babysit so you, your Mum and Nana can have a day out. You need to be a bit more vocal about how you feel - they may have no idea, or feel you don't want to bother with all the girly bits. Your Mum sounds reasonable; I'd ring her and tell her you feel as though you're missing out!

I think the key thing here is that they are childless ergo clueless ,im sure they all imagine your life is one long yummy mummy shopping trip .You have to tell them that shopping with children is a chore and more than anything you would like a few hours of girly time without your brood . However if you are not normally girly they probably think this isnt something you would enjoy ,explain that abscence ( from real adult time ) makes the heart grow fonder and in your case i think a little bit of a hissy fit is well within reason !

You look beautiful in the dress...

Thanks doodler, I do love the dress, and was actually starting to get excited about all the dressing up etc. I love dressing up, just not the trying on of clothes, the bit I love (and they know this) is the hats, scarves, necklaces bits. I had been trying not to look at things I can't afford, and was really happy with my low cost wedding, but apparently that isn't good enough.

So, how do I deal with this? Apart from cancelling the whole thing and running away with DP and the children?

Hopefully when you get there the emails and messages won't seem so overwhelming. You must tell them now you are getting overwhelmed with it all and can't they wait until you get there and then all go out together and that it is YOUR WEDDING! Say breezily how DCs are no problem and you can all cope with them while out shopping for a few hours. Or is it possible to leave them with your DP?

If you want to personalise your wedding - you do it. If it's too late for the headdresses - how about the bouquets? You must tell them that they are spoiling it for you by getting too carried away without you and not respecting your wishes. As i said before, they will have their own turn. Ask them how they would feel?

And tell your mum you are close to eloping so she knows how strongly you feel.

I think you need to sit down with them and explain the difference in priorities. That while you would love to go and splurge you can't, and therefore have found ways of doing it the way you want without splurging and that you'd really like their support in doing it this way now.

For me bumpsoon has hit the nail on the head with them not understanding what it's like to shop with kids. Maybe send them out with the kids while you have a chill out one day

I think they think I should be grateful that they are doing it all for me, and that I don't need to worry about affording their outfits, which is of course lovely, but at this rate they will be wearing more elaborate outfits than me and DP! And it is MY WEDDING

Seriously, I was in tears about this last night. Me, crying about dresses!

It doesn't help that DP is divorced, and apparently his first wedding was really elaborate and OTT, and he says (although he hasn't said it recently) that the fact that he wasn't involved in the wedding in any way (he didn't even get to choose his own best man) really crystalised his doubts about the marriage (which didn't make it to it's one year anniversary)

I hated my bridesmaid shoes /hair pieces but even I managed to keep my mouth shut and the only thing I bought was handbags for the bridesmaid as the bride did not see why we would need them after all everyone else would be buying us drinks [very proud of myself emotion].
Tell your Mum you love the dress and the contributions but that the girls are over powering and changing the theme you want,
You need them to STOP buying without your input.
Tell your then you feel that the emotional meaning and togetherness of the day is being over shadowed by commercialism. And both DP and you are upset at the loss of control, I would even hint that you have discussed eloping with the dc to achieve the wedding that you want
Re your Docs my sis in law wore nikes You can get wonderful coloured boots that will cost less then a pair of bridal shoes and you will be able to wear again.
Enjoy your day

I do feel for you. I've seen so many brides have their wedding plans pulled from under them in my family.

I think it would be wise to speak out now before it gets too late in the day to change things. Point out that if it wasn't for the fact that you are getting married, they wouldn't have the opportunity to make all these preparations and buy all these things. Say that you reserve the right to refuse any items you haven't seen or approved, and that you are disappointed that the bridesmaids dresses have been altered without consulting you (unless they were just being made to fit better) make it clear that you feel pushed out of your own wedding arrangements.

Point out that bridesmaids duties are to support the bride in her preparations and during the wedding, and that includes helping look after your dc during shopping trips.

Having said all that, time is of the essence, and you want to get all this stuff sorted in good time.

Re the spd, have you tried supportive insoles in shoes, the sort that reposition your feet and so take a lot of strain off your legs, lower spine etc, called Orthoheels, available from Boots. You might be able to wear some pretty shoes with them in. Coupled with some sort of supportive garment for your pelvis, maybe? Apologies if you've already tried these options.

It sounds as if they're being the -zilla ones! Put your foot down.

I do think some people don't quite get it - obviously it's not nice to be screaming 'it's my day' at them, but in the end, well ... it is your wedding day, not theirs!

Can you get a level-headed friend to have a word and tell them they're going OTT? Maybe your determination not to be a bridezilla has given them the idea that you will be happy with whatever they do?

(Congratulations, btw!)

Btw - with things they've bought, why not just say 'oh, that sounds lovely, but it won't look right with my flowers/my dress/what the children are wearing', sorry, can you take it back? They will keep telling you they think it's nice, but you can keep saying, 'no, I don't think it will look right'.

Anyway, this is what worked with my mum when she was trying to convince me about what I and my bridesmaids would wear. I'm in the middle of all this myself!

You're not being bridezilla enough! If you think you'll be strong enough to speak to them face to face when you're up there then that would be the best way, but if not, send them an email and say something along the lines of "Hi sisters. I'm really glad you're having so much fun shopping for the wedding and am flattered you're happy to put so much time into it. However, I'm feeling a little left by the wayside here! I had some great plans for making headdresses for the wedding and had already bought the materials so not sure how that's going to fit in with the headresses you've already bought. Likewise I'd planned for the morning of our wedding to be a lovely girly morning when we all did our hair and make-up together, and I can't afford the salon expereince so really would prefer it if we stuck to that plan rather than you guys going to the salon and leaving me to get ready alone! Suggest we come up with way to go shopping when we're there so we can make sure that we don't have any more double buys. Love you lots etc etc."

If you keep it fairly light but make it clear that you ARE in charge of your wedding, then they will hopefully get the message without feeling dictated too. Practice phrases like "That's lovely but would prefer we stuck to my original plan of xxx" and "That's nice but just not what I had in mind to fit in with the overall feel of the wedding."

If all else fails, throw an almightly tantrum and release the bridezilla in you!

I was hoping they might give me input- I don't want to be shopping by myself! Equally though, I would like to have some say.

Hmm, I think I'll ring them.

Sigh. I rang.

My sister told me that she needs to get the wedding ready because she is going on holiday soon and needs the last half of the week (when I am there) to get ready for her holiday. I can help her choose her holiday stuff if I like.

SIGH. I can kind of see why she needs to be there for things like shoes and such, but is her head such an odd shape that she urgently needs to try on all the headwear before she can relax and think about her holiday?

She was actually really annoyed with me- she is so busy, she can't find time to go shopping with me for the wedding.

Just as an aside-the things they have bought-are they any good-if so can you give in gracefully & use them?

That´s not to say I wouldn´t be cross about it, btw.

Also-anything they chose themselves they pay for.

Are any of them married?

It sounds as if this is the first wedding & they are all getting carried away tbh.

Unfortunately, I think letting your mum buy your dress has made them think that it´s a "free for all"

The bridesmaids dresses, btw, are black and purple. They have sewn a big thick grey ribbon round the waist. It looks really odd. It does co-ordinate with one of the shawls that they have bought though.

ARGH.

My mum, btw, is wearing black, because then she can reuse the dress for funerals.

why is everyone in my family mad?

Oh Butterpie, not sure whether to laugh or cry on your behalf.

I don't follow your sister's reasoning - surely she can shop for her holiday while you aren't there, then do wedding stuff while you are?

Do you have a history with your family of being the easy-going one (ie the one they can trample over?).

Only you can decide how much this stuff annoys you. If you think you'll forget about the 'details' in the excitement of the day and the memories of you and your DP, then forget about the niggly bits. But, if you'll look back on photos for years to come and be driven crazy by the grey sashes and headdresses then pour yourself a big drink, pick up the phone to your mum, and tell her firmly that she needs to get your sisters in order. Now.

It's just...I am skint, and I don't tend to really bother much with clothes these days- I grab the first thing I see as I need to sort out the kids. So, yeah, they probably think I don't care about the clothes for the wedding, especially as I have left it all so late.

It is so rare for me to get to dress up though. I didn't think I'd be this bothered, but I was finally allowing myself to get excited, and now I just want to go and hide.

I could, of course, just let them organise it all, get me some kind of limo, posh shoes, huge dresses for everyone, the bloody marks and sparks cake that my mum wants, put the kids in nursery or something for the day, have a sit down meal of something involving no vegetables (vegetables is another sore point-why do they always sound so petty?), forget all ideas of ridiculous things like having our friends band or serving olives or pease pudding (again, too vegetabley apparently), get white invites printed and hand delivered, get a celebrant and the venue legally registered instead of going to the register office a couple of days earlier, get acrylic nails, a proper photographer, wedding favours, and the whole shebang, but, tbh, me and DP might as well not turn up- they wouldn't notice.

I'm all for weddings being a family thing, but I thought that was more that we could plan it together. I think the fact that our wedding require very little planning is upsetting them.

TBH, Butterpie, I wouldn't mention the money thing to them - it just gives them an excuse to buy everything for you. And it doesn't sound like you want that.

Can you compromise a bit? Maybe give them one or two 'timeconsuming' jobs that you would rather not do?

Also, it sounds like you do need to talk to them. Perhaps you could give your mum a call and explain that you are going to email round a 'to do' list so that you don't all duplicate one another?

Well, Butterpie, if I were you I'd unpick all the sashes, leave sister who's going on hols to her own devices and tell the rest how it's going to be. Your way or no way.

Of course, it depends how badly this is annoying you. Here are a few observations from my many years of attending weddings.

The things guests notice most are: how lovely the bride looks; the ceremony, and the reception (food and drink) I have never known bridesmaids to outshine the bride.

People don't take much notice of the small details like matching colour schemes or shoes. Fashions change, and years down the line you'll be laughing about the bridesmaids dress choice, and be happy that it wasn't yours! I have heard former bridesmaids complain when old photos are brought out about the awful dresses and horrid head-dresses that the bride 'made' them wear.

Friends of mine decided that they didn't want a wedding cake of any kind, so they didn't. No-one missed it. They thought it was an unnecessary expense for the sake of tradition.

By the way, if you want any inexpensive flower ideas let me know (qualified florist)

I'd tell them to swivel, and that if they don't like the way you're doing things they don't have to be there. I never thought I'd say this, but you have to be bridezilla about this - or they're going to ruin your day. This is about you and your DH-to-be, and if the rest of them don't like it, well, they can do something different for their own wedding days, can't they?

Failing that, come to London, we'll get the November thread together and have a fab day with all our norks out in the registry office

Grey ribbon? shawl?

Sounds awful.

Tell them no!