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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at DH's camping trip?

75 replies

Jannamummy · 27/07/2010 00:29

Lovely DH, very kind, tolerant, supportive and hands on daddy etc, wants to go camping with 'the boys' for his fortieth. Wants to take me, DC and PiL (boo) out for nice meal on actual day, have weekend at home just 4 of us and the camping would be week after. I feel anxious about being left with DCs all weekend (as DC is sooo hands on, I imagine it would be very hard work) and also a bit put out as a romantic or family weekend away would have been nice, no? So, AIBU?

OP posts:
deaddei · 27/07/2010 14:37

flaime- does dh come out with the dreaded words on a Sunday morning "what shall we all do today?"
Chills me to the bone. He's stopped saying it now.

Original poster
Jannamummy · 27/07/2010 15:56

Hi! I'm back, sorry. Been busy with children this morning and had no idea there would be so many replies! I know I'm being unreasonable really, I realised as I was typing out my first post! And am now in the middle of a long apologetic and full of praise and gratitude email to DH! Of course he can go. And of course I will manage. But for those of you kind enough to read and be interested enough to want to know more details ;
2xDC 3yrs & 6mths
on mat leave but normally work part-time
no pnd or SN
lots of friends around both with children and without but my parents far away and father v ill so mother cannot help. inlaws nearby and ready to help but tend to take over a bit so I would prefer not to.
It's not the days that scare me, I have them both by myself all the time and love it. It's the getting up and putting to bed as DH does that at moment (well, does for elder DC while I look after smaller one) so I'm just not sure how I would logistically get them up and pit them to bed. That's all really.
Think 'upset' maybe wrong word to use. I think miffed better?! If it were my 40th (not for some years yet!) I would choose a weekend away with just DH so maybe that's why I feel this way. As I breastfeed my babies til. They are about 2 I don't have the option of doing what
he's doing so possibly I'm a wee bit jealous too. None iof which is reasonable either.
I'll carry on reading your very interesting replies now! I only got as far as pg 2!
And

OP posts:
mumeeee · 27/07/2010 16:17

YABU. He is spending time with you, How old are your DC's surely you can manage them on your own for a weekend.
When my girls were younger DH sometimes had to go away for a few days for woek, I had 3 DC's and one of the tmes her went away they were imonth.2 and Almost 5. We have both had time away on our own at other times as well.

redskyatnight · 27/07/2010 16:25

Jannamummy - if you are worried about the mornings and evenings why not have a "dry run" before DH goes away i.e. you do all the getting up/putting to bed but he is there to boost your confidence/lend a hand if really needed. I get that if you are used to a certain routine it can be overwhelming to have to do something different.

TBH with your older child being 3, you just need to give her a book/toy/plonk her in front of the telly while you sort out the baby. Or if she is able, why not have a "race" for her to get herself dressed while you dress the baby?

Clayhead · 27/07/2010 16:28

IME the best way to get confdence to do it all yourself is by just getting on with it - my DH works away/nights/weekends so I did it from the newborn stage and it really isn't too difficult .

OrmRenewed · 27/07/2010 16:37

"As you said , he should be going away with you for a nice weekend break. "

What's should got to do with it? It's his birthday after all.

PiggyPenguin · 27/07/2010 17:04

I would be a bit upset if my dh decided he'd rather go away with someone else for his fortieth birthday.

It wouldn't really matter who it was. He works long hours and is often away for weeks at a time leaving me at home with the kids.

Weekends are pretty much the only family time we have and if I were being honest I would be annoyed if he prefered to spend his weekend away with his mates rather than me.

I am after all, the person who looks after his kids 24/7 while he goes on exotic work trips/socialising with clients etc.

If anyone is getting to go on a nice weekend away with him why isn't it me? Now, I appreciate than this is a very me/me attitude, and everyone will jump up and down and tell me its his birthday etc etc, but I would want to spend mine with him and would expect him to do the same.

We are very 'couple' orientated at weekends though (because of the time apart throughout the week) so him going away without me would be a blow.

Also, I know he would be hurt if I did this to him. My point (and it is a long-winded one I grant you ) is that all couples are different and what is hurtful or unreasonable for the op may not be for you.

Ladyanonymous · 27/07/2010 17:09

Good grief - I really despair at us women sometimes.

I have been on my own since before DC3 was born (also had a 2 and a 4 yr old) and have managed the last 8 yrs with no family about or friends who were able to bbsit.

Also held down a job.

I think you'll be fine for a whole weekend - you are their mother.

traceybath · 27/07/2010 17:16

YABU but you've realised that now.

Its DH's 40th next year and undoubtedly we'll go out for a nice dinner but his big 'treat' is going away to do a 3 day mountain bike race. My idea of hell but his idea of heaven.

You'll be fine with the dc's - it will be a lot easier than you imagine and if they go to bed a bit later than usual its not the end of the world.

belgo · 27/07/2010 17:17

ladyanonoymous- don't despair at women - I know far more men who would be incapable of caring for their children for the weekend then women.

deaddei · 27/07/2010 17:18

I had 3 separate 50th celebrations, two for different groups of friends...oh, and one with dh.
And a good time was had by all!

belgo · 27/07/2010 17:18

Anyway Jannamummy has accepted that the trip will go ahead.

Make sure you have a weekend away yourself in the future Jannamummy!

Birdistheword · 27/07/2010 17:21

YABU. He is celebrating his birthday with you, it's not either/or.

I love camping with my friends, DP not bothered so he is happy to stay at home with DD while i go away and have a drunken great time. He goes away fishing quite a few times through the year. Don't see the issue.

Original poster
Jannamummy · 27/07/2010 17:23

Update : I've just sent him the email mentioned above and he's emailed back saying it made him cry at work!

One thing a RL friend pointed out this morning though ;

Camping?
In the Lake District?
In Winter?
Won't it be freezing?
Good luck with that and for persuading your mates to go with you!

That did make me giggle!

OP posts:
prozacfairy · 27/07/2010 17:26

belgo is right- make sure he remembers he owes you! While he's away you can do some serious research on what you can do for your weekend away while he has the DC! Result!

Have a great DH free weekend- put the kids to bed early, invite some mates round, crack open the wine and the galaxy chocolate

Ladyanonymous · 27/07/2010 17:26

Really??

People really cannot look after their own kids for a whole weekend??

Maybe I've missed something - I thought it was the whole point of having them.

What happens to these people when the other parent walks out or is no longer here?

Do they fall apart or cope like the rest of us.

StayFrosty · 27/07/2010 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jannamummy · 27/07/2010 17:30

And when I have finally finished being pregnant/breastfeeding then I will definitely plan a girls' exotic spa holiday weekend away.

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 27/07/2010 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappySeven · 27/07/2010 18:37

I can understand why you're nervous if you don't normally do both bedtimes on your own but it will be easy and you'll be so pleased you did it. I was nervous about bedtime when my husband went away and the baby was 5 weeks, older child just 4 but it was ok and I was (sad, I know!) quite proud of myself.

Also, consider it credit for the future!

(Mine does camping in Lakes in Feb but no tents allowed - perhaps you could suggest it to up the ante?)

upahill · 27/07/2010 23:43

Jannamummmy I recommend Malmaisson for a mates weekend (followed by the Traford Center for a few hours in Harvey Nics)
great girls weekend

As for Dh going camping in winter, well the other December I think I was hallucinating when camping it was so cold so may I suggest a hostel (or if he is going to the lakes a camping barn.

If his navigation and mouontain skills are good Scarfell is fantastic in winter (but I'm guessing he will already know that!!)

really worth a look

I'm sure you realise that a good long lasting marriage is built on compromise and allowing the other person to be fulfilled.
You can do your stuff, love your partner and children and be a unit and have 72 hours apart without falling apart at the seams.

All of you have fun

LadyBiscuit · 27/07/2010 23:48

I love threads like this. They make me feel like I'm such a hero for being a single parent

upahill · 27/07/2010 23:54

Oh LadyBiscuit you are brave, i don't know how you do i!!!!! Bet you get all the meaningless platitudes. My friends do and it's not there fault they had wankers of partners who chose to leave and they were left to pick up the pieces!

lemonysweet · 27/07/2010 23:58

I love threads like this too LadyBiscuit, and i not a single parent.

just a parent who was perfectly capable of looking after 3 under 5s without breakdown, and would love it if my DH took a break from work and family to go camping with his mates, he hasnt been out in about a month

oh and also im glad that i dont need to be surgically attached to my husband and kids. im not interested in F1 racing or horror film/chick flick nights, ta.

Original poster
Jannamummy · 28/07/2010 00:19

I don't really think that I'd have a breakdown. Or that I need to be surgically attached to my husband. I do plenty of stuff without him. But I am sorry if my wee worries have made single parents feel angry or indignant.

Really should go to sleep now. Think I may be getting addicted to mn.

Thanks to all who read and replied, especially those with practical advice like stayfrosty, upahill and happyseven.

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