Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to think that if you are on a dating site and ticking the boxes about being attracive, sexy, happy with your appearance etc....

36 replies

HerBeatitude · 26/07/2010 13:58

Then you probably ought to tick that you are attractive, sexy, happy with your appearance and that if you aren't, perhaps you shouldn't be looking to date right now, but to look at the reasons why you aren't feeling attractive, sexy and happy with your appearance and do something about that first?

Only, you're not selling yourself to by saying "that's not me at all" on the "sexy" or "attractive" box. Why would anyone think that anyone else would be interested in meeting someone who is not confident that they are sexy and attractive? Are there shedloads of people out there desperate to team up with sexless, unattractive people?

This was Match.Com btw. Was surfing it with newly divorced friend and she got quite depressed. And frankly, I see her point.

So go on, AIBU?

OP posts:

Ladyanonymous · 26/07/2010 14:00

Some people put really really negative things in their profiles - It amazes me.

I remember some of the guys had really sad names like "Bored and Lonely" . I mean seriously.

Chil1234 · 26/07/2010 14:02

YABU... some people are not interested in those who are 'attractive, sexy, etc.' because it can often be code for 'self-absorbed and up themselves'. A more critical self-assesment is likely to be closer to the truth and some people find honesty much more appealing.

ChippingIn · 26/07/2010 14:04

So someone who is (for example) dieting & exercising to become happy with their weight and feel sexy & attractive shouldn't date until she has reached perfection. Loving your attitude

Not to mention the fact that some people find making comments about yourself as being 'sexy, attractive' etc to be rather conceited - beauty is in the eye of the beholder surely.

toccatanfudge · 26/07/2010 14:05

I think I left mine blank for that box on there

Altinkum · 26/07/2010 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toccatanfudge · 26/07/2010 14:07

tbh I clicked straight on past the profiles on their that say they're "independent, well travelled, keep fit, smart, attractive" blah blah blah.

I just want a real man

SomeGuy · 26/07/2010 14:12

some people like miseries. You can't dictate to them.

Ladyanonymous · 26/07/2010 14:14

I always avoided the ones that said they like to look after themselves and they like "their lady todo so too"

I dunno what it was about that but it was the expectation that I would always be expected to look good on his arm and maybe if I had the audacity to put on a few pounds it would be noted and mentioned.

toccatanfudge · 26/07/2010 14:18

actually I think I ticked "average" for my profile..... because to be blunt my personality is a lot more attractive than my face (or any other physical bit of me LOL.

It's nothing to do with being confident, I'm happy enough with who I am - just know that my looks will never win me any prizes.

Besides - on match you can't see which box they've ticked until you've clicked onto their profile........by which point you've already looked at their picture and made a decision as to whether you find them at all attractive anyhow.

toccatanfudge · 26/07/2010 14:22

no - I lie just been back and checked and I'd left it blank

SomeGuy · 26/07/2010 14:23

'Average' is the lowest level isn't it? It goes something like 'Stunning', 'Pretty', then 'Average', with no 'Hideously ugly' option?

BarmyArmy · 26/07/2010 14:35

I met my fiancee on Match last year and think it an excellent medium!

That said, I do recall one woman who mentioned in her profile that she had "severe mental health problems", which was perhaps a little more honest than I was expecting.

I'd not long been back from Afghanistan and she asked me in an email if I knew any good places to stay as she intended to go out there on holiday.

It was that and her warning that she had an "over-developed libido" that had me running for the hills

Glitterandglue · 26/07/2010 15:23

I am not sexy. I doubt I will ever be sexy. It is just not something I am, in the same way that I am not a stunner. That is fact.

I could put on clothes and act in a certain way so as to appear more sexy, but I would not actually be any more sexy in myself, and I would feel very uncomfortable doing so anyway.

I'm not bothered whether people I want to date are sexy either. Nor am I bothered whether they think they're attractive or not - some people who do think that are up their own arses, anyway, and attractive is a useless word because it doesn't specify whether you're asking about looks, personality or both. You might have someone advertising themselves as attractive who looks like Brad Pitt or whoever, but who has the personality of a wet dishrag, and someone looking who gets in contact with them because they think attractive means interesting and fun and isn't thinking about looks - it's not going to click, is it?

DrNortherner · 26/07/2010 15:28

It does amaze me that people who ay they are attractive/good looking etc are considered up their ow arses.

Us British are allowed to say we are kind, clever, honest, intelligent but we should never say we are attractive

Whys is it considered conceited I wonder?

Chil1234 · 26/07/2010 15:42

Calling yourself 'attractive' is frowned upon because a) it's rather vain and b) attractiveness is a quality for other people to decide.... It's quite a stretch to call yourself 'clever' - even if you've got enough degrees to paper the loo. 'Well-educated' might be more accurate. Adjectives like kind or honest are more of a given.... like being polite. We'd hope no-one would admit to being unkind or dishonest.

larks35 · 26/07/2010 15:47

Negative profiles can help though. My DP had a mate who found himself nearing 40, overweight, cantankerous (sp) and [whispers] still a virgin.

He put an add in Guardian Soul-mates (this was a few years ago now, before internet dating), it read:

"Fat, ugly bloke seeking princess."

He got several dates and lost his big V within 2 weeks!

The women he dated liked the direct, no nonsense description of himself, alongside the romantic description of them! It did also mean that when he met these princesses face to face, they couldn't complain if they found him fat and/or ugly!

Original poster

HerBeatitude · 26/07/2010 15:59

But attractiveness to me doesn't imply good looking, necessarily. It's a quality, not a look. Some of the most attractive people I know are not stunners - one is bald with a bad complexion, one is very old and wrinkly, one has bad acne scars, one is enormously fat. All of them have a quality of being comfortable in their skin with a love of life, which make them extraordinarily attractive, charismatic and yes, quite sexy people (even the raucously funny 82 year old woman I know - she definitely has sex appeal).

I take your point about not waiting till you feel "perfect" to date Chipping - nobody ever would because nobody's ever perfect and anyone who feels it is probably self-absorbed and tiresome - but to feel positively unattractive and unsexy, must surely be someone on a downer, no?

Glitterandglue, what d'you mean by saying you're not sexy? Do you mean you don't dress sexy or that you give off vibes which say "I am frigid and uninterested in sex"?

OP posts:

Original poster

HerBeatitude · 26/07/2010 16:00

ROFL at the fat ugly bloke seeking princess.

The sheer chutzpah of it is rather attractive.

OP posts:

OrmRenewed · 26/07/2010 16:03

I'd want to put 'wait and bloody see!'

Original poster

HerBeatitude · 26/07/2010 16:07

God I remember this bloke at university who was quite ugly and he had BO but he was jsut so positive and confident (not arrogant) that he was gorgeous. He had no shortage of women throwing themselves at him.

OP posts:

Glitterandglue · 26/07/2010 16:07

HerBeatitude, I mean that I don't dress it and I also don't act it. To me it is partly an attitude and partly a look and I have neither. Nor do I want to because it's not me. Some people just naturally are that way, some people can act it, some...just don't.

As far as I'm aware that doesn't mean I give off vibes which say I'm frigid...after all, plenty of people who I would say aren't sexy in the slightest have sex.

Ladyanonymous · 26/07/2010 16:11

I met my OH online - didn't fancy him at all when I met him and had a real sinking feeling (thinking HTF am I going to get out of this one after 1 drink when he knows I am free for the entire eve ).

How glad am I that I took the time to get to know him? Seven months on I am blisfully happy with him (bar the 6 kids/two exes issues ) and am just so happy that he wants to be a part of my life and I fancy him more than any guy I have ever been with.

So maybe we place far too much emphasis on judging by photos/how attractive are you etc in online dating?

toccatanfudge · 26/07/2010 16:11

but the point is OP - on match the bit that's got that section is alongside - weight, hair length, style, APPEARANCE, by best feature. It IS about looks in this context.

There are 4 options for appearance

I'd rather not say
Very attractive
Attractive
Average

DrNortherner - there's nothing wrong with saying you're very attractive if you are.......some of us weren't born with the stunning looks (not to say we're unhappy about how we look jsut that we're not stunners and never will be ), "average" just says - well I'm normal.

However there ARE some men on match who when they say they're attractive, and clever actually mean (you can tell from reading their profile) they're so far up their own arses they can even see the sun shining

toccatanfudge · 26/07/2010 16:13

I would never class myself as sexy, I don't very often dress "sexy" and I rarely feel it.....

However I think my new BF (who I actually met on Match) can safely say I'm not frigid

Original poster

HerBeatitude · 26/07/2010 16:15

See for me sexy doesn't mean dressing it. In fact, the more likely you are to dress "sexy" probably, the less sexy you are. (Think Jodie Marsh, Jordan et al.)

I suspect I wouldn't be very good at this online dating malarky would I? Haven't really grasped the rules.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2