To have been terrified by H's driving?

[pinkypanther]

(D)H and I were driving back from a weekend away late last night. DS (4 months old) was sleeping in his car seat in the back.

We were on the motorway and (D)H was driving a bit too fast for my liking ? he was going above 80 at all times, and sometimes nearer to 90, in the outside lane. I had twice asked him to slow down, as (leaving aside any legal/speeding issues) I don?t like to go so fast with DS in the car. He didn?t.

Anyway, the motorway was pretty empty, but there were a lot of people sitting in the middle lane when there was nothing in the inside lane for miles. (D)H took a dislike to this (TBH it bugs me too) and started driving up behind the people in the middle lane, flashing them, and when they didn?t move over, overtaking them in the outside lane.

He had done this a couple of times (even after I had asked him not to) when he did it to a guy in a silver BMW. (D)H then moved to overtake him and before moving back in again. Unfortunately, the guy accelerated as (D)H was moving back into the middle lane (meaning it was a very close shave when (D)H moved left) and then tailgated us for a mile or two, accelerating to 90 or so, weaving in and out of the lanes, and cutting us up. (D)H continued to drive at 85 or so and (despite me asking) refused to back off or pull over.

I was absolutely terrified by then and when this guy started tailgating us again, I put the hazard lights on (they are in the middle of the car, so easy for the front passenger to reach). The guy then backed off, undertook us, and drove away.

(D)H then went completely ballistic at me, saying I had put us in danger by putting the hazard lights on, that I had ?distracted him from the road? and ?made the situation more dangerous?. The mother of all rows then followed and I asked him why he had refused to back off and he said that ?he was driving perfectly sensibly? and ?was in the right?. I said I didn?t know any father who drove like that with their child in the car and I didn?t care who was technically in the right if we all ended up dead following a high speed smash with some nutter.

So, was I being unreasonable to use the hazard lights (given that I wasn?t driving) or was (D)H being unreasonable to be driving like that? I have said that I won?t let him drive me and DS on the motorway until he has shown me he can drive safely, is this a massive over-reaction?

I am going to stay away from the hazard light button in the future then. Fair enough.

H still refuses to accept that there was anything wrong with his driving and won't apologise for it, we've been rowing for the past two days

As far as I am concerned, until he shows some insight I am going to be driving (and if H insists on driving...well me and DS will be catching the train, as we only have the one car).

And I agree with coraltoes-he is a bad driver.
Tailgating & driving to intimidate drivers who are (albeit wrongly) in the middle lane.

Does he have anger issues?

No general anger issues, no.

Just to clarify, H wasn't tailgating anyone - he flashed the BMW but wasn't actually close to him, it was the BMW which then followed us and was doing the tailgating.

Thanks for all the responses, it's been useful.

OK-unfortunately your husband angered the BMW driver.

It´s annoying when people are in the wrong lane, but tbh, if the mway isn´t that busy it´s no trouble to overtake in the outside lane really.

It pisses my husband off, but he doesn´t bother to flash.

I am concerned by the general lack of alarm here - OP are you aware that aggressive driving (and I would say especially when your baby is in the car) is a marker for an aggressive or abusive man? I know it sounds a bit strong and he might not be abusive, but he certainly sounds aggressive and that concerns me, not only for your and your child's safety while in the car but also at other times. Is he ever aggressive in other situations, e.g. if he was short changed in a shop, refused entry to a bar, had a disagreement with a friend, or during arguments with yourself? You don't have to answer on here but it is something to think about.

YY Riven, XP drives the same and I dread to think of him driving DS around, especially having seen his carseat installing "standards"

What an idiot. I don't see how its ok to be driving at 85 anyway. I always think of a my friend - her ds was the driver in a crash, his passenger was killed instantly, other passenger in the back was injured but could walk out, and her son had his legs trapped and was unconcious as the car went on fire. His friend tried to pull him free but couldn't, he had to stand and watch him and his other (already dead) friend burn. A passerby had lots of bottles of cola in the boot and they managed to pour that over the fire. Fire engine had to cut him free and he was taken to hospital. The crash happened at 5pm and they didn't get to see him until after midnight as were working so hard to save him, family saw him for 5 min then taken away for life saving surgery. He was in ICU for over a month. On 2 occasions the family were called in the middle of the night to come and say goodbye as he was about to die. Thankfully he survived, he had a shattered pelvis and many other broken bones and had to have skin grafts and a metal plate. The way my friend told me the story (I didnt know her when it happened) was just so upsetting, it was 6 years ago now and she was telling it like it was yesterday. The idea of that happening to me and my passengers, or the idea of being in a crash and that happening to the other car and me having to think "Was that my fault? If I had been driving in the speed limit would that have happened?" is enough to put me off. Driving is a privallage not a right, people who drive like twats should be banned.

OP-he really should have enough respect for you to slow down when you ask-especially when he´s speeding.

It´s not all about him just because he´s driving badly

ccpccp - this is one of those rare issues where there is clearly a right and a wrong answer. What the OP's dh did was illegal and dangerous. You know what the speed limits are. And if you are in any doubt about the danger posed, read Tokyo's posts.

If you've read the whole thread Tortoise, you'll know that I'm not the only person who thought OP was wrong to use the hazard lights, including the OP.

Yes, I do know that. That doesn't change the fact that you're the only one who was a fuckwit about it.

I think when we become mums our priorities change and our protective instincts become magnified overnight.

I have had this same conversation with a number of friends and we all feel the same.

DH driving a bit too fast or braking a bit late didn't bother us in the same way pre-children.

Once we become mums though, the perspective changes. We all start hanging onto the door as he corners a bit recklessly or muttering brake, brake, BRAKE NOW under our breath and we even start mimicking the use of brakes and gears in the passenger footwell.

We can't help it - men just don't seem to have the same awareness of the potential dangers that we have.
They call it backseat driving - but we are just looking after our babies.

I did once read that in tests women do spot potential dangers when driving faster than men do and we react earlier to situations where danger may lie - e.g we slow down earlier and to a lower speed than men when passing parked cars or we brake earlier when we see the car ahead slow down.

It's just the way it is - genetic differences. It's not that they don't care I am convinced that most of the time they just can't help it.

Fukwit is good for me Tortoise.

I bet you're reading threads fully before you post now though

Fair enough Edam, you are 100% correct that driving at 85mph was illegal. OP asks about hazard lights though, not speeding, and a passenger is 100% in the wrong to touch them.

OP has clarified that DH wasnt flashing his lights and tailgating after all, but in fact flashed a driver hogging the middle lane from a distance before he was forced to overtake in the much faster outside lane. This is perfectly valid driving and the BMWs response was out of all proportion.

I guess all those irrational posts describing the driver as 'violent', 'dangerous', 'abusive' etc were talking about the BMW driver, as it seems the DH wasn't doing much wrong at all, other than to go a bit faster than the OP liked on that particular day.

Sorry to hear you are still arguing, OP. TBH on this one - I'd say using the hazard lights was worse than the speeding. Unless of course you had clearly explained to DH already that 85 was no longer acceptable on the motorway.

Sounds alot like my DP, he's always been a complete twat on the road and he got better over the years, but recently he's started getting worse again. I really dont know what to do, as whenever I tell him to slow down or leave it if someone pisses him off this just seems to make him 10x worse. He came home the other days all stressed and said he'd got out of his car and nearly just smacked someone for cutting him up, he was ill the next few days with a headache as he's stressed himself out so much. He spoke to his mum later that day and told her what had happened and she reeled into a half hr story of how his dad used to be the same and once chased a guy whilst she's been pregnant in the passenger seat, yelling at him to stop, it was like he never heard her and carried on caught up with the guy and beat him up.....I now know where my DP has got it from!! thank god he's never taken anything that far. He has no anger/agressive issues in any other situation, just something happens when he gets behind that wheel, its a man thing Im sure. I think you need to make him realise you will not put up with it before it gets out of control.

Yes Riven, I agree!! Ad I do think that the OP may well have more of an abuse issue in her hands...
I also think that you can clearly see anger issues from what people post... and their 'rev it up' style!

Ccpoop, are you still with us, or have you overtaken us all now?
"These tail end 'we agree with the general consensus' tail end posts arent (sic) worth your time."

Beep Beep! [snort]