To have been terrified by H's driving?

[pinkypanther]

(D)H and I were driving back from a weekend away late last night. DS (4 months old) was sleeping in his car seat in the back.

We were on the motorway and (D)H was driving a bit too fast for my liking ? he was going above 80 at all times, and sometimes nearer to 90, in the outside lane. I had twice asked him to slow down, as (leaving aside any legal/speeding issues) I don?t like to go so fast with DS in the car. He didn?t.

Anyway, the motorway was pretty empty, but there were a lot of people sitting in the middle lane when there was nothing in the inside lane for miles. (D)H took a dislike to this (TBH it bugs me too) and started driving up behind the people in the middle lane, flashing them, and when they didn?t move over, overtaking them in the outside lane.

He had done this a couple of times (even after I had asked him not to) when he did it to a guy in a silver BMW. (D)H then moved to overtake him and before moving back in again. Unfortunately, the guy accelerated as (D)H was moving back into the middle lane (meaning it was a very close shave when (D)H moved left) and then tailgated us for a mile or two, accelerating to 90 or so, weaving in and out of the lanes, and cutting us up. (D)H continued to drive at 85 or so and (despite me asking) refused to back off or pull over.

I was absolutely terrified by then and when this guy started tailgating us again, I put the hazard lights on (they are in the middle of the car, so easy for the front passenger to reach). The guy then backed off, undertook us, and drove away.

(D)H then went completely ballistic at me, saying I had put us in danger by putting the hazard lights on, that I had ?distracted him from the road? and ?made the situation more dangerous?. The mother of all rows then followed and I asked him why he had refused to back off and he said that ?he was driving perfectly sensibly? and ?was in the right?. I said I didn?t know any father who drove like that with their child in the car and I didn?t care who was technically in the right if we all ended up dead following a high speed smash with some nutter.

So, was I being unreasonable to use the hazard lights (given that I wasn?t driving) or was (D)H being unreasonable to be driving like that? I have said that I won?t let him drive me and DS on the motorway until he has shown me he can drive safely, is this a massive over-reaction?

"But I do think the speed limits on motorways are a bit out-dated especially when compared to some european countries (am I right in thinking there are no limits on German autobahns?)"

No and no.

About a third of the autobahn have speed limits anyway, and for the rest there's a 130kph (81mph) advisory limit which means that accidents that aren't your fault may still stop at your door if speed is held to be a factor.

For the UK, when the 70mph limit was imposed (the motorways were originally derestricted, and the carnage was Ballardian) cars had drum brakes, cross-ply tyres, beam axles and friction dampers. So you could argue that the 70mph limit is equivalent in terms of safety to more now.

However, the big issue is speed differential combined with traffic density. There are drivers and vehicles that struggle at 70 (a lot of lorries are limited to 60 for fuel efficiency reasons, a lot of elder drivers are very tentative) and increasing the differential is potentially nasty. Those sections of German autobahn with traffic density even remotely comparable to ours have limits of 130kph or sometimes 110kph, and they have almost nothing equivalent to the M25, the M42, the M6 from J5 to J10, the M62 or other major corridors.

It's probably safe to do 120mph on a white elephant like the M45 or the Ross Spur or the M6 Toll Road, and indeed -I- some people may have done so in the dim and distant past. However, those sections are few and far between, and paradoxically are the sections least engineered for high speed.

And anyway, this isn't just about safety. Fuel consumption scales savagely as speeds increase, and dropping the general speed on motorways by 10mph would contribute immensely to the country's carbon targets, as well as helping energy security. A blanket 60mph limit on all roads would make life far more relaxed, improve safety, reduce casualties and barely increase point to point journey times. The 70mph limit on dual carriageways like the A1(M) or the A14 is even more ripe for reduction, as the road simply isn't up to it.

Projects like the active traffic management on the M42, which I commuted along for fifteen years, have had a huge benefit in terms of capacity and stress levels, and that is likely to be reflected in accident figures over time. I don't see why that experience couldn't be replicated nationwide.

Flashing people in the middle lane when the outside lane is free? What an absolutely cock.

My DH does this. Objecting makes him worse. It makes me hate him. Something about men and testosterone and being a complete twat. If you find a way to make him behave more reasonably, please do share it :-(

It sounds very abusive and violent to me.
It's controlling and manipulative behaviour. Denying his actions and minimising your feelings about it, and then playing the blame game. Classic abuse.

I would say to your Dh that next time I'll call the police if he behaves like that again. He was clearly trying to terrify you and he put you and your child in danger, he would have slowed down and driven more considerately if he was just carried away by the speed and testosterone blah blah..
But he chose to cause you distress and fear - classic abuse.
Do have a chat with Women's aid, if this is symptomatic of his behaviour towards you and your DS.

Poor you.
When I was learning to drive, of the many things my instructor said to me that stuck was that the sign of a good driver was a comfortable passenger. I think there's a good deal of truth in that.

I hope everything works out for you - do give Women's aid a call about any more abuse and power games though.

You deserve better than this, and your DS certainly doesn't deserve this endangering behaviour, which puts his life at risk.

Good luck pinky.

Goblinchild Mon 26-Jul-10 09:29:13
"I wondered when the OP's DH would show up."

My thought exactly.. Snap!

I don't quite get how anyone can come on here and defend someone who's driving at 90, tailgates and flashes at people who drive in the middle lane when the outside lane's free, then decides to pick a fight with someone on a motorway, while his terrified wife asks him to stop.

if only for the fact that he didn't stop when he knew you were scared, he was being unreasonable. he ahs showed absolutely no respect for you or your ds. i wouldn't let him drive my son alone again.

I definately don't think yabu!

Is'nt the speed limit for motorways 70mph. I can't understand the people on here that don't think its a problem driving at 80/90mph just because the motorway was quiet. What has that got to do with it? speeding is speeding!

Tokyo and Zazen have explained in detail why this was wrong and dangerous.

The posters defending the dh are idiots who probably drive in the same manner themselves. They need to go on speed awareness courses before they kill themselves or someone else.

Anyone who has a dh who drives like this - suggest you refuse to drive with them. Do the driving yourself, if possible. (I don't like dh's driving although in his case it's not aggression, it's anxiety, so I'm having lessons and have booked my test.)

Also, we all know it's illegal. Funny how some people think the law doesn't apply to them. Or only the laws they like should apply to them. Don't think they'd have the same attitude if someone burgled their house, or stole their wallet.

YANBU

My DH racked up 9 points in 3.5 years or something stupid like that. In total, he's had 12 points, all because of speed. He's 27.

He now drives my dad's "granny wagon", which has no poke to it, is heavy, and screams if you push it above 65mph. He's always itching to get into my car, which although older, is a sport trim model, and is fantastically responsive.

I have to keep reminding him to watch the speed whenever he does drive my car

"But she can handle it, it's a breeze for her, she wants to do it"

"Just cos she can, doesn't mean you have to!"

He has slowed down massively in the past 2 years, but the only times he hasn't got points is when he's driving a car that just physically cannot be pushed!

For years I nagged him about the speed at which he drove, which made him crosser, but then I repeated the experience for him (note, I was very depressed at the time, DS was not in the car), and I literally scared the sh*t out of him. He's kept himself in check ever since.

This is exactly why I hate, hate, hate any long car journey.

Either you have country roads and insane bastards making suicide overtakes, or you have motorways with insane bastards trying to assert their masculinity by showing how fast they can go and how intimidating they can be.

Honestly, I'd rather stay at home or take the train. It's got to the stage now that on days out with DP, he knows to drop me at the train station for the return journey.

DP is a decent driver but it's everybody else. I just can't stand it, and arrive at my destination shaking like a leaf.

I'll pay the train fares and put up with the inconvenience for the pleasure of being off our insane roads.

My DH does this too - I tell him when me and DS are in the car he is driving on behalf of all of us, and should drive responsibly. Am usually met with a glare and sulking. And carries on driving in the same manner as before.

I would definitely put the hazards on if I felt he'd led us into a dangerous situation - it might show him I'm serious!

I've threatened him that if he continues to do it, he won't be doing the driving when we're all going somewhere together. And he'd HATE that.

Edam - I think you are supposed to randomly call people 'Nazi' before you fall back on the 'everyone who doesnt agree with me is an idiot' line. Missed a step there.

Good luck with your driving test btw. A few months behind the wheel and you'll hate back seat drivers as much as everyone else does.

I think her line was more "don't drive at 90, it's dangerous, stupid and illegal" to be honest.

No Gerontius - that was your line.

Well, she did use the words "dangerous", "illegal" and "idiots"....

Gosh, OP, this sounds terrifying. You poor thing.

ccpccp, you are a fuckwit, frankly, and I am selfishly glad that you are never going to be on the same road as I am.

But not 'Nazi' - which is why she failed ;)

I know its a lot of words Tortoise, but you could try reading the whole thread. These tail end 'we agree with the general consensus' tail end posts arent worth your time.

OP-I think you were lucky that hazards seemed to resolve the situation.

As a rule I don´t agree with touching anything other than radio/AC when not the driver.

That said, I think your husband should slow down when you request & not be such a twät as to flash other drivers.

Just overtake properly FFS-flashing lights will either distract or antagonise the other driver.

It´s very unlikely to get them to move over to the correct lane ime.

I've read the entire thread, ccpccp, and nothing in my previous post would suggest otherwise. I am also entirely capable of determining what the best use of my time is without your input. I wonder what you think you're achieving, here?

If you've read the whole thread Tortoise, you'll know that I'm not the only person who thought OP was wrong to use the hazard lights, including the OP.

if your husband pulled that stunt on me i'd f*cking kick him in the nuts.
He is not a fast driver, he is a bad driver. A decent one would never tailgate and he is bloody lucky whoever he did tailgate didnt slam their brakes on causing a god awful accident...what a flaming cock.

my DH drives a carerra, so a fast car, but he drives it sensibly, respectably and in the full knowledge that whatever power the car might have it will never make up for careful driving.

Incidentally i was once tailgated on the m-way i was doing 75 myself so hardly dawdling but it was pitch black and about 2am so i wasnt about to speed up, the fast lane was clear so he could overtake if he wanted. But no, cue full beams and right up my arse. my mate rang the police told them the junciton we were passing and at the next junction a squad car pulled him over!!! sirens, lights the lot- it was brilliant!!! It is seriously dngerous to behave like that on the roads and really can result in stupid accidents. We pulled over at the same time but the police just thanked us for the tip, and we left them giving him a right rollocking.