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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that leaving a child somewhere is not the same as giving them independence?

47 replies

Lougle · 25/07/2010 20:19

There is a girl I know whose mother is very keen that she should be as independent as possible.

She is....4

Every Birthday Party I have been to this year, she has been dropped off and her mother has left.

She would get dropped off and picked up from preschool by another relative, as Mum worked (not an issue), but at any of the preschool events, the Mum wasn't there, but neither was the other relative. The little girl always looks, though

This week she was at a party which my DD was invited to. She fell over and hurt herself, and spent ages cuddled up to me. I asked her if her Mum had gone for a cup of tea while she was at the party, and she said "No, she has left me here. With . She was so sad. She just wanted to be cuddled.

Later in the party, she came to me across the hall, and said "Can I have a hug?" I said that of course she could! and she ran across to a chair on the opposite side of the hall, waiting for me to sit down, then climbed up onto my lap and snuggled in.

Don't get me wrong, children need to learn to go to places on their own, but surely, given that the Mum works all of term-times, she could have spared under 2 hours to go to a party with her daughter, and for her daughter to have had someone delighting in her fun?

OP posts:
deaddei · 25/07/2010 20:24

I never stayed at a party with dd- but then my friends only had little tea party ones in their own homes.
Sorry, YABU.

TrillianAstra · 25/07/2010 20:26

YANBU, but refusing to leave a child anywhere is definitely a way to prevent them getting any independence.

YABU to use the phrase 'delighting in her fun' though.

blametheparents · 25/07/2010 20:27

Bless her, she's only 4 and most 4 year olds like their parents there if possible/
YANBU

BoysAreLikeDogs · 25/07/2010 20:32

This is about your disapproval of the Mum

You are not critiscising the Dad for not dropping off at preschool, or not turning up to events, or for not staying to the party to 'delight in her fun' are you

TrillianAstra · 25/07/2010 20:36

BALD is right - your '(not an issue)' about the mum working sounds rather like 'I'm not being funny but...' which we all know is a precursor for bitching.

Mercedes519 · 25/07/2010 20:37

But was the party meant to be a drop off? I went to one last weekend where the parents dropped their 4 yo off and the party host was too stunned to protest. It was at an outdoor centre so the adults there had to look out for their dc and this other child.

IMO YANBU. Plenty of time for independence. And she is clearly in need of cuddles

ZZZenAgain · 25/07/2010 20:38

I'm fairly sure that no parents stayed at dd's 4th birthday party (except obviously us!)

TheCrackFox · 25/07/2010 20:43

Nobody round here stays for a 4 yr old's party.

deaddei · 25/07/2010 20:45

Mothers usually cluster in the local wine bar for a glass......

wigglesrock · 25/07/2010 20:48

I haven't stayed with my dd at any of the hundreds!! of parties she was invited to since she started school and she only turned 5 in June! Well I stayed for 15 mins at the first one until she asked me to leave . The only parents from her class that stay are one whose child can have a very bad allergic reaction and the other whose little boy needs assistance walking and sometimes they swap so only onoe parent goes with both children.

KickButtowski · 25/07/2010 20:55

Wow you've got your judgey pants hoiked right up haven't you?

You know nothing about the mum - maybe she has a good reason for not being able to stay. Maybe actually she couldn't spare those 2 hours.

No mention of the child clinging to mum as she left and being prised off her so it seems that actually child doesn't seem to mind that much. Just because she asked you for a cuddle doesn't mean she is starved of motherly love.

Some mums like to sit and delight in their child's fun all the time. Others might run their arses off doing chores for 2 hours so they could give that child full attention after the party.

Jaquelinehyde · 25/07/2010 21:05

YABU and bitchy.

Original poster
Lougle · 25/07/2010 21:06

Regarding parents staying, only she and possibly one other were left. All other parents stayed.

TrillianAstra 'Delighting in her fun' - ok, possibly not the best way of phrasing it. Perhaps better to phrase it 'some attention', because yes, that is what I mean.

I wasn't saying 'I'm not being funny but', I was trying to make sure that my comment about working wasn't taken the wrong way, whilst also explaining why Mum wasn't there.

BALD - Spot on. I do disapprove. Not of the not working. But this little girl is funny, kind, generous, lively and spirited. She is one of the children at preschool who has been incredibly supportive of a child there who has SN, and is genuinely lovely. But not the sort of child that is 'perfect'. You can see she has her own mind and will use it. But all I have heard from the family member (and the Mum on the few times I have met her) is how much of a 'pain' she is. Even when I have gone out of my way to tell them about something kind or funny, or clever she has done, they express negativity about it.

What I have seen is that the little girl is expected to be just dropped off. Which would be fine if she was happy. But she wasn't. And she said so. She even asked me if I would tell her Mum about her injury, and I promised I would, but then in the time it took me to do up my child's laces her Mum had come to the party and collected her DD without even saying goodbye to the party host. I know that, because when I asked if she had gone, because I couldn't see her (the venue was a hall with both side doors wide open), the party host started frantically looking for her until another parent said that she had seen the Mum come in and take her.

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 25/07/2010 21:07

So why reserve your judgyness for one parent?

Don't understand

Original poster
Lougle · 25/07/2010 21:08

KitButtowlski, I wasn't there when her DD was dropped off. I arrived afterwards, so couldn't know if she had been prised off. She is an only child, so it can't be that difficult to stay, I would have thought.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 25/07/2010 21:10

I always leave dd at parties and work full time so have never been to school events so shoot me.

Original poster
Lougle · 25/07/2010 21:11

I suppose, BALD, because I have got to know this child over the last 2 years, and she is lovely. She really is. Yet all I have heard is criticism of her. This party was just my tipping point. She was sad, not just a few crocodile tears then playing again. She sat on my knee and cuddled into me for over 20 minutes, only getting down because my DD needed the toilet (she can't go alone).

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 25/07/2010 21:12

hmmm

Original poster
Lougle · 25/07/2010 21:12

Elaborate?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lougle · 25/07/2010 21:14

What specifically was the hmmm for?

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 25/07/2010 21:15

If the party is just a tipping point maybe you should have mentioned the things you are really upset/annoyed/whatever about in the OP rather then just saying that you think her mother is a bad parent for dropping her off and not staying.

SandStorm · 25/07/2010 21:19

The problem is you've only got one side of the story here. You say the little girl is a delight and I've no doubt she is - in public. Now, I might be wrong about her but I know from personal experience my youngest has two very different personalities - one for school and when she's out at friends, when she is a perfect little angel, and one for home when the devil in her is given full reign.

It's very hard to say who is right or wrong when we don't know Mum's circumstances and you've not mentioned Dad at all - is she a single mum? Because that could be a factor in all of this too.

Oh, and I stopped attending parties when my children were both at least four, possibly even three in some cases.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 25/07/2010 21:19

I can't always stay at parties with my DC's as I often have other parties to ferry my other DC's to I must be a really bad parent and trust me I "delight in their fun" plenty just not at other children's hellish parties. Blimey judgey or what and I didn't hear any mention of this childs dad in your post op?? Or is it only mums that you judge?

Original poster
Lougle · 25/07/2010 21:22

Yeah, TrillianAstra, maybe I should have. I just didn't realise quite what was bugging me until I posted. My DD is the child at preschool with SN. This little girl has been genuinely the nicest girl. She has brought DD out and she squeals when she sees her. I think the party just highlighted the fact that this little girl needs and thrives on TLC, and I am honestly not sure she gets too much of it. Her Mum is so anxious that she should be independent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lougle · 25/07/2010 21:25

Sandstorm - Oh no, don't worry, I have seen this little girls 'less desirable' qualities, too. The Mum is not a single parent, and you are right, I am only saying 'Mum' because I have never met the Dad. Equally he could have come, and there was a Dad there with one of the boys at the party yesterday.

hobnobs, she is an only child. I have 3 children under 5, I still managed to go to the party.

OP posts:
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