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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am i? i will be in a minute though...calm me down

36 replies

ThatVikRinA22 · 24/07/2010 23:16

i used to live on a street where an elderly lady used to get me to nip down the road to her and do anything she needed help with.

she has a grown up daughter with mental health problems (which she refuses to get help for) who lives just up the road and a grown up grand daughter. they do nothing to help her.

i moved 4 years ago across town. the elderly lady still phones me if she wants anything, because she has failing health, eye sight and needs someone, and her family just dont help her.

her daughter acts helpless. she is a selfish individual. the other week her mum (elderly lady) phoned me because she was ill and i drove her to the out of hours gp. her daughter phoned while i was there and began to regale me with her tails of woe, that she was ill, that her pills werent working etc etc. not a thanks for helping mum. not the merest hint of concern for her mums well being. in short she really really pisses me off because i am the muggins who runs around after her mother.

tonight her mother phoned me to tell me the DAUGHTERS burglar alarm was going off and she was saying she (the daughter) couldnt cope and would commit suicide! she said they had phoned the police to come and turn it off (!!!) and they quite rightly refused.(its saturday night, they will have enough to deal with tonight) so i go down to her daugthers house. the alarm - its ancient. it works on a 3 pin plug. so i unplugged it and turned it off. she apparently didnt think to do this. she then tells me im ok etc etc because i "have a man". her daughter (the elderly ladies grand daughter) is sat in the living room smoking fags and quite happily leaving me to sort out her gran and her mother.

i leave.

i get home. i get another call. its going off again. elderly lady is now crying down the phone. i spent 3 1/2 hours sorting this fucking alarm, getting an electrician to come. the first alarm company i phone says they had dealings with her earlier in the day and she (the elderly ladies deranged daughter) ranted at them, they therefore refused to come out. he says she is mentally unstable. i know. trust me i know.

i rang loads of electricians and eventually get one who will come out on a saturday night.

i have just logged onto facebook where i find a message from the elderly ladies grandaughter. we are not facebook pals...it says

"alarm going off again."

i then get another one saying

"Alarm all sorted."

yes. because i fucking sorted it you ungrateful bastards. would it be unreasonable of me to post that back? because right now im very very very tempted...

the elderly lady knows im going into police so now she phones me for absolutely everything and anything. at xmas she was left alone in the house with no food - on xmas eve i ended up going and getting her shopping while her lazy arsed daughter and grand daughter did nothing. i dont begrudge helping anyone, ever, but tonight i gave up my night off running about after them and i got not a thankyou, just a sodding rude facebook message as if its my job to sort their stuff out.

i am incensed at the cheek of the facebook message. i would like to reply in a manner fitting how i feel but seriously try to explain that i am not their personal assistant.
AIBU?

OP posts:

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 24/07/2010 23:21

Nope, I'd say something. I'd also call social services, you are not her carer and she is in need of support.

YANBU

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 24/07/2010 23:24

she has a social worker. and 2 nurses going in daily.

but she still phones me and she cries down the phone and i haven't the heart to say no, but this took the flipping biscuit tonight. the elderly lady is lovely but her family are just taking the piss, as if they expect me to roll up and sort it all out without so much as a bye or leave.

i end up paying for shopping and stuff, no one ever offers to pay me back. its getting beyond a joke. id do it for the elderly lady but her family and that bloody fb msg have got to me.

OP posts:

MathsMadMummy · 24/07/2010 23:26

OMG!
not even a thank you? seriously?

I'd be tempted to (a) cut ALL ties with these people overnight and/or (b) phone a charity like Help The Aged to ask them to arrange proper help.

you have been a saint for too long, I admire you!

hf128219 · 24/07/2010 23:26

Vicar Post it on FB. You will feel so much better!

rotool · 24/07/2010 23:28

Phone Social Services and get this lady some help other than the help you are giving her.

YANBU but you must be an amazing person to do all this for someone who is not related to you

MathsMadMummy · 24/07/2010 23:29

oh x-post. forget (b) then.

just cut all ties. it sucks, as the elderly lady is so nice, but you can't keep doing this. they are clearly never going to change. if you stop, yes the SW etc will think you're a bitch but who cares if you'll never see them again? she will also tell the SW you're no longer around and maybe they'll arrange extra help to cover your duties, so to speak.

maybe before this you could actually speak to the SW/nurse to say how concerned you are about her nasty family and say that you cannot be expected to help like this anymore.

BettyisNOTBlu · 24/07/2010 23:30

Holy moly. Vicar, you are kind.

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 24/07/2010 23:30

she has a social worker. and 2 nurses going in daily. there is no more support i could find for her, seriously.

OP posts:

Vallhala · 24/07/2010 23:30

Vicar, you're an angel, one in a million. I've a soft spot for the elderly and your post has brought me near to tears.

YANBU to say something, and like Belle, I'd call SS, as although they are already involved they are clearly not as much in the picture as they need to be. That poor elderly lady.

When you're in the Job you won't be about to drop everything (and in reality you shouldn't be expected to now, though I understand why you do it). SS and other agencies need to step in fast.

Meantime, AFAIAC, feel free to read the fucking family the riot act!

PiscesLondon · 24/07/2010 23:31

what you're doing is a lovely thing and you've clearly been so good to this lady, but my god her family are taking the piss!!!

do they think you're some sort of idiot, with all the time in the world to look after what is esentially their problem? tomorrow morning you should knock on their door and have strong words and tell them you won't be taken the piss out of and warn the GD never to contact you via facebook again. i'm raging on your behalf! after a good night's sleep go and tell them how you feel and possibly send a mental health nurse to visit the daughter.

DuelingFanjo · 24/07/2010 23:31

CAll the social worker every time she calls you?

I would ignore the calls tbh. You don;t sound like you want to be helping and so why should you.

hairytriangle · 24/07/2010 23:31

Get back in touch with social services. Tell the grandaughter straight that she and her mum should be sorting it. Change your phone number.

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 24/07/2010 23:37

i think i will phone SS then, i may try and get in touch with one of the nurses too. she is also under some psyche consultant because she has become agoraphobic.

its not that i dont want to help - i dont mind helping her, but now its extended to her bloody useless lazy arsed daughter and that i do begrudge.

she has made her mum so ill. she still acts like a helpless child and her mum is in her 80's and really cant cope with her. she is very very needy, but refuses absolutely all attempts to get her help for herself. she actually appears to enjoy wallowing in self pity and misery and blames everyone else for everything. tongiht she actually said she believes someone has put a curse on her. seriously. because her alarm went off. the women is nuts.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 24/07/2010 23:44

i really am trying to ignore the msg on fb but am tempted to let rip....

OP posts:

Vallhala · 24/07/2010 23:47

Just be wary of the possible effect on your new job if you do, Vicar. I don't blame you for wanting to but upon reflection I think you may need to be careful (not that you haven't thought of this already, I'm sure).

Still think you're an angel.

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 24/07/2010 23:53

hubby wont let me send it anyway. i did type a reply and read it out and he said "noooooo"!!

i just want to tell them that they are adults and it would be a good idea for them to try and sort out their problems without phoning their mum/gran each time who just gets upset and cannot do anything with failing eyes and from her armchair. they have a phone. they have the internet. they have a couple brain cells between them if they really scrape about...(sorry - am still fuming!) its not hte helping thing that pissed me off but the FB msg.

i think angel in this case is a euphemism for prize idiot.. but thankyou. i will get my reward in heaven im sure!

OP posts:

ladysybil · 24/07/2010 23:53

i would seriously give it to the granddaughter. she is rude ungrateful cow, and you need to let her know that you are not her skivvy. its the grandaughter in all this who is bothering me the most.

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 24/07/2010 23:57

ladysybil i would love to but my better half has just said delete the messages and ignore...

he is right. ill calm down eventually.

OP posts:

NonnoMum · 24/07/2010 23:58

Poor you. I would be tempted to reply to the FB message but be VERY VERY polite. That was people will know but you can't be accused of being mean/crazy etc.

Maybe something along the lines of...

"Yes, poor you. The alarm went on and on, didn't it? I'm pleased I could help but if it happens again, just unplug it. Hope your gran is OK and wasn't too worried. Hope we all get a good night's sleep. I'm exhausted from all the noise. I'm turning off my phone but I'll pop in and see your gran later in the week. See you there?"

Or something more polite and cleverer.

MathsMadMummy · 25/07/2010 00:03

what reply did you delete Vicar?

I really think you have to stop helping, the daughter and granddaughter will never change.

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 25/07/2010 00:07

ive deleted them nonno - i wouldnt trust myself to be polite im afraid. the cheeky little cow has got my goat with it too much.

i told the elderly lady exactly what i thought of her daughter earlier on but even if i said something to her directly or her grand daughter they are not the sharpest tools in the drawer and i doubt the message would even hit home. they would still phone her to phone me.

they actually expected the police to come and switch off her alarm. i daren't ask if they dialled 999....

OP posts:

ladysybil · 25/07/2010 00:12

please dont stophelping the old lady. she obviously needs your help. social services are soo overstretched, that they may or may not be able to help her in the way that you obviously can.
i aspire to being someone who can help people in the way you obviously are doing. even if they dont appreciate it, you know you ared oing the rigt thing, and God does too.

CakeandRoses · 25/07/2010 00:14

Yep, you're deffo an angel!

I just reread your OP and saw that the GD is also an adult - I'd assumed she must be a child to have behaved like that.

MathsMadMummy · 25/07/2010 00:16

it's not your duty Vicar. you're not a doormat.

I wonder how long they'd take to get the hint if you just stopped answering the phone?!

Original poster

ThatVikRinA22 · 25/07/2010 00:20

i wont stop helping her but very soon i will be away alot more and wont be around to just drop things and sort out her stuff.

they get her in a right old tizz. she will need to learnt to calm down.

i think the other thing i could do is do a large print page with all emergancy contact numbers like electricians and gas and telephone and that kind of thing. ill suggest that to her i think.

OP posts:

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