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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be considering contacting social services?

59 replies

CareBearStare · 24/07/2010 19:51

Or perhaps a HV or GP?

I know a couple, very closely and if you had witnessed these things would you feel you would have to step it (perhaps anon?)

  • Children 3 and 1 never go anywhere, never leave the house except very rare occasions.
  • neither parent works so they do not get up at all in the day, the childrens sleep paterns alike them to noctornal creatures! - seriously both parents are on FB at 3,4,5am ... then you can't contact them till 6pm +
  • they live with one of their parents - they live in a room upstairs. they only come out of that room when the parents aren't there.
  • They both smoke weed. And I know the father has driven after doing so.
  • The mother once laughed whilst telling me her DP had gotten up with their DS at 8am, put him in his highchair for breakfast but then her DP had fell back to sleep, so the child was in the high chair until the mum woke up and found him at midday.

NONE of this is exagerated or made up.

The mans mother has even talked about shopping them in.

I don't really speak to them anymore but we are still forced to be in contact and I find it very, very hard.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 24/07/2010 19:54

YABU to have not contacted them already.

why has his mother not intervened?

if it's not exaggerated or made up, then of course you must report or take some steps

he must have been in some deep/drugged sleep to leave the child in the highchair for hours.. child must have screamed and cried

yousaidit · 24/07/2010 19:55

yanbu, there's another thread on here about some one worried about a freinds dcs.

Social services, NSPCC for advice, HV, anyone but tell someone

Original poster
CareBearStare · 24/07/2010 19:57

No Lulu, he does not - they are very, very quiet children.

On one of the rare occasions they came to an event EVBERYONE commemted after they went about the kids and how quiet / sad they were.

I wish I could go into details but I an't - its very hard for me to report them.

Their nana collects them alot and they have fun there.

OP posts:
PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 24/07/2010 19:57

if all you say is true, i would have no hesitation involving SS

My DB has recently got custody of a child he did not even know he HAD till it was taken into care through neglect by the mother, and she HAD to say who the father was

child had been left in a room on its own with just the TV, no conversation, no affection, not fed properly etc etc, was very behind in vocabulary etc

ALL childen deserve better than what the ones you are talking about are getting, and YOU can help them have a better life, whether that be through the parents getting some help/advice etc, or the kids being removed

KERALA1 · 24/07/2010 19:59

The high chair thing made my blood run cold I have children that age. Dont think you have an option to report but a duty .

Firawla · 24/07/2010 20:00

it does sound like it may be worth contacting someone, because it sounds like they are being neglected especially just going to sleep and leaving them, and not healthy for them never to leave the house. atleast hopefully they could offer them some kind of support or help, and keep an eye on them...
children that age really need fresh air and activity/exercise..

larks35 · 24/07/2010 20:00

I think if all you say above is true then I would contact HV in the first instance, but if that doesn't change things then call SS. I find it hard to believe that HV doesn't already have concerns tbh. But, it could take a long time for these problems to be highlighted if you or the grandma don't tell the authorities.

I imagine the 3yo will have real problems adapting to a daytime routine at pre-school and could end up labelled with a behaviour problem, when in fact she/he just lacks sleep/routine.

Do it and if you have the guts, tell the parents you have taken your concerns to the authorities. They need to wake up (literally) to the realities of parenting.

GeekOfTheWeek · 24/07/2010 20:01

Do it.

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 24/07/2010 20:03

the trouble with just telling the HV is that these sort of people are often very good at pulling the wool over peoples eyes when it suits - by being on their best behaviour when they know the HV is coming, or having appts at the clinic not home, they can fall off the radar - sounds like they need a proper thorough investiation

that is what SS are there for!

Lulumaam · 24/07/2010 20:03

children who don't cry/make noise/ask for attention have learnt that there is no point, as there needs won't be met by their care givers.

this is a terribly sad situation

it is a good job the poor wee one did not take a tumble from the highchair. could have been horrific

Lulumaam · 24/07/2010 20:04

if the children never leave the house, i doubt pre school is on the radar, and less chance of anyone picking up on any issues

Original poster
CareBearStare · 24/07/2010 20:05

I don't tink its obvious to the outside world at all.

Another example is the nana bringing them here - and the little one had a filthy babygrow on which was 3-6 months - he was over 1.... next day was a party and they bring him in the same thing, I don't even think he had been changed out of it overnight.

OP posts:
Original poster
CareBearStare · 24/07/2010 20:06

No preschool,

he has a place but they have booked afternoons from september.

I said to DH, it would have been a good oppotunity for them to pull it together if he started at 9am, but they chose a 12:30 start

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 24/07/2010 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KERALA1 · 24/07/2010 20:07

Also the granny may have split loyalties one of them is her child albeit an adult one.

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 24/07/2010 20:08

Look the vote is unanimous, thats a rare thing on MN you know

YANBU

you really MUST report these parents, for the childrens sake

BabyDubsEverywhere · 24/07/2010 20:11

What are you going to do OP? you asked if you should report, everyone said yes, you keep giving more details as to why you should, everyones already said yes, the first post was enough, surely you can see that?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 24/07/2010 20:13

Sorry, not saying you shouldnt post more, just that you need to realise that the orininal stuff you posted was bad enough to make the call, you dont need to further justify your position, you need to make the call...

ShadeofViolet · 24/07/2010 20:13

The Highchair incident is appauling and I wouldnt ahve hesitated contacting SS after that.

Please call the NSPCC for advice.

SloanyPony · 24/07/2010 20:18

It sounds awful and you should report it.

Having said that, they may not be desperately unhappy. It depends a bit on how the parents are. If the parents are generally happy and relaxed, in spite of their "lifestyle", the kids could be too. Its all they know and they might feel quite safe and secure there (helped on by the relaxed feeling you get from side stream spliff smoke, no doubt)

I remember when that sicko Austrian dude who had his daughter locked in the basement and the children he'd fathered with her, a psychologist was explaining how it would have been for the children, and it was not all doom and gloom, depending mainly on the mental state of the mother (which can't have been that great to be honest but he was saying hypothetically, if she was happy, the kids would be too)

Having said that, its anything but healthy and developmentally bad if nothing else so you should report asap.

Igglybuff · 24/07/2010 20:18

Make the call.

I reported my own mother to my teacher which resulted in me and my brother being taken into care at aged 11. Best thing I ever did.

Do it.

fullofbeanstoday · 24/07/2010 20:22

I'm Child protection trained and regularly think people are very hasty in saying people need reporting but in this incidence I really don't. Having heard what you've heard and seen I would definately do it straight away.

A child started the nursery which I work in last year. She was very quiet. She never asked for any adult attention and behaved perfectly. It has since come to light that her mother is regularly stoned or drunk and regularly leaves her home alone.

We thought she was just a well behaved and quiet girl. I now take a lot more notice of EXTREMELY quiet and undemanding children as you never know why they are like that. Lots of children can be quiet I know but this girl was different.

It sounds like noone but the parents and grandmother have contact with these children so no one else will contact social services. You can do it anonymously and should do it asap.

AlCrowley · 24/07/2010 20:31

I'm 32 and still get upset somedays when I think how obvious it must have been that he was hurting me and yet no-one ever did anything about it. Was I such a shitty kid that everyone thought I deserved to suffer? That's what my Dad told me and it's seriously affected my self esteem ever since that everyone seemed to agree with him.

Report them. Please.

Belle03 · 24/07/2010 20:31

I agree with fullofbeanstoday & I too am a senior child protection person in a school. Watch the quiet ones, the really quiet, meek children, they need your help.
You must report this family to SS, this is urgent- act on your instinct, don't turn a blind eye & hope it'll all be OK. Good luck x

Original poster
CareBearStare · 24/07/2010 20:33

I will,

I just wanted to confirm I should.

x

OP posts: