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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DP he can't be at the birth

28 replies

jendaisy · 24/07/2010 00:03

Due on Monday, and I know I am a hormonal nightmare at the moment. Had a proper go at DP tonight as I asked him for a cuddle and he wouldn't give me one. I can't remember the last time he cuddled me, I always ask and it never happens, he just doesn't want to touch me.

We haven't had sex since January because he has been too freaked out about hurting the baby. Which I respect if that's how he feels even though he is being a dumbass. But we don't even sleep in the same bed as he snores like a pig, and haven't done for months. So once in a while I want some kind of physical contact, even if it is a quick cuddle.

I don't know why I lost it with him tonight as I have the same reaction from him every day when I ask for a cuddle. I just screamed at him then threw 2 screwdrivers at the wall (they happened to be in my hand at the time).

So anyway, being about to have his baby any day, I really feel like saying that he can't be at the birth as I don't see what bloody use he will be if he won't actually touch me. Is he just going to stand there and spectate like a lemon? I have a doula so I wouldn't be on my own.

AIBU?

OP posts:
mamas12 · 24/07/2010 00:12

That's a horrible feeling jen.
What was his reaction?
If he realises he's been a dispassionate unfeeling unaffectionate @"$% then you might have some hope of some support at the birth.
But, if not I would seriously think about looking for some real all round support for yourself.
He is being at the least unfair and maybe a little cruel

scottishmummy · 24/07/2010 00:17

yabu,hissy fit and shouting.apologise.hes the dad .doula is only hired help.dad will be there long term doula wont

Original poster
jendaisy · 24/07/2010 00:21

He hasn't had a reaction. He went into one of the living rooms and got under a blanket and lay there, whilst I went and dismantled furniture (we are moving next week).

He has Aspergers and is really crap with showing emotions. I try to take that into account but sometimes I feel like I will go mad unless I have some kind of physical contact or affection from him. I have to practically beg him for a cuddle and even then I don't get one most of the time. I feel so enormous and hideous at the moment and he isn't helping.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 24/07/2010 00:23

jen,this is a you and dh thing,accomodate him too

Original poster
jendaisy · 24/07/2010 00:28

I know...I am being hormonal and I'm sure when it comes to it I will want him to be there, but at the same time I JUST WANT A CUDDLE! After the screwdriver incident I went up to the top floor and just sobbed tears of frustration as I can't tell you how much I need a cuddle, it's a physical pain, I feel so rejected and it would be so easy for him to do.

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 24/07/2010 00:31

I totally sympathise but I also think you are showing a complete lack if understanding of aspergers

Original poster
jendaisy · 24/07/2010 00:34

Maybe so...though I seem to remember the cuddles were a lot more forthcoming before I got pregnant. I had to beat him off with a shitty stick. Then he got what he wanted and that was that. I feel like a womb on legs.

OP posts:
mumof2children · 24/07/2010 00:52

jen, would you deep down stop him.....or are you just venting.

if you don't want him in the, make sure he has the chance to meet the baby asap after the birth.

with Aspergers, big changes can effect them serverly, so his distancing himself may be just him adjusting

Original poster
jendaisy · 24/07/2010 01:04

Just venting I suspect. Like I say...hormones are not doing me any favours right now.

You're right, he is really bad with changes. I really try hard with him but it's a challenge. For instance the other night he sold his first ever items on ebay (they ended late at night), and he wanted to get them packaged up right away. They were all awkward things and he didn't know what he was doing with couriers etc so I told him as it was very late we would do it first thing. So he sat and watched the screen of his computer all night in case one of the buyers messaged him, waiting for me to come and help him in the morning. He is adorable but hard work! I could give you many examples of his obsessions!

I suppose I just don't feel like his girlfriend as our relationship is in no way physical at all anymore. I got pregnant really soon after we got together so it seems like it has pretty much always been this way for us.

OP posts:
mumof2children · 24/07/2010 01:09

as i have a son with adhd, i know how hard it is.

even the slightist descruption to his routine can cause weeks of problems.

wishing you all the luck with the birth and hope things improve after

Original poster
jendaisy · 24/07/2010 01:16

Thanks! I love him so much but he does drive me bloody crazy. He is the most amazing guy I have ever met and the most infuriating guy I have ever met, in equal measures.

Am going to try and get some sleep now. I have a fat ginger cat and a lurcher to cuddle even if DP is two floors away.

OP posts:
abshirley · 24/07/2010 12:26

If you really don't want him present at the birth then that's up to you. I think sometimes we feel obligated for the father to be present, and it may not be the best thing for all couples, for a whole variety of reasons. Personally if I was doing it again I wouldn't have the father present [although for different reasons to you], in fact I wouldn't have a birth partner at all,it would be just me and the midwife.
I think this is something you have to consider when you are calmer [and discuss with him].
Of course the fact that he has Aspergers may cause additional difficulties, it may be that he simply doesn't know how to respond or understand how he should feel. Perhaps you have changed [due to your hormonal changes] and he feels unsure.

Southwestwhippet · 24/07/2010 12:42

Hey Jen.

[hug] I'm sure this is just a pregnancy thing with him. He is just really scared and struggling with the conflicting feelings of responsibilty and powerlessness he has. Once baby is born, I bet things get back to normal. And if not you can come and lodge with me and we can revert to life plan B!!!

I'm so sorry for you though, you are NOT unattractive, honestly, you have looked fab this pregnancy, all bump and boobs! And GOOD LUCK for the birth.

LookToWindward · 24/07/2010 12:44

You started to throw tools about because your DP wouldn't give you a hug??...

Since when has being pregnant excused common thuggery?

You need to apologise to your partner and get a grip.

I'm trying to imagine the response a thread would get if someone posted that their DP started to throw stuff around because their partner wouldn't give them a hug.

mamas12 · 24/07/2010 13:40

As you are the one giving birth I think you do need to really think about whether or not you can handle your dh in the birthroom with you as you want to be able concentrate on the job in hand so to speak don't you.
Tlak to him and see if he minds not being there, he might actually be relieved, you never know and then after you have concentrated on you and baby you cna then introduce your lovely dc to your dh.
Just a thought, it's like the old black and white films really isn't it when the dh comes in and you are looking radiant (!) well at least clean and not in pain (!) and says 'Dahling meet your son/daughter'

EnglandAllenPoe · 24/07/2010 13:43

you are giving birth. this will be painful for you.

if you don't want him there, that is completely for you to decide.

throwing screwdrivers at him isn't ok though.

Lulumaam · 24/07/2010 13:46

YABU

please talk to your doula, get this frustration and upset out in the open

if your DH has AS, then thre is a reason for his lack of emotional understanding, but throwing stuff won't help

what if you had hit him in the face with a screwdriver?

totally not acceptable at all ever

i think saying he cnanot be there for the birth as payback for the emotional distance is horrible and will have massive long term repercussions for you

as a doula, i've intervened in the odd argument in the birthing room .. best to sort these things out before delivery

i think though you need to include him, or you could spend a long time regretting it

troublewithtalk · 24/07/2010 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoonUnitAlpha · 24/07/2010 14:31

If you don't think he will be helpful or a positive presence at the birth, then it's quite reasonable not to have him there. Maybe it would be a good idea to both sit down and discuss your expectations for the birth and what you need from him if he is there?

confuddledDOTcom · 24/07/2010 15:00

Have you spoken to your Doula about it? Obviously she can't give you advice but she can help you work through it.

I can't believe anyone thinks you should let him be there whatever. It is your birth and you need to be able to relax and turn off your neocortex, if you're worrying about him that's not going to happen. No point dragging out your labour and birth just because "he's the dad". I'm sure your Doula has gone through what happens in labour how you can use him for physical support. Is he going to be happy cuddling you through it? I would worry that if you tried to cuddle him in labour and he pulled back that it would not be good for your oxytocin levels.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have him, you need to work through all the possibilities with your Doula and think about whether it will be a good thing for you to have him there.

BeenBeta · 24/07/2010 15:12

jendaisy - ask DP if he wants to be there. If he does not then dont make him. Rely on your Douala.

Throwing screwdrivers is a terrible thing to do. He has Aspergers and is struggling to cope with the change. My DS1 is very mildy ASD and he has huge problems adjusting to a new routine but incredibly loyal, fair minded and gentle.

scottishmummy · 24/07/2010 19:44

if a pg woman posted her dh threw screwdriver and shouted,there would be calls of leave him. swop the gender different reaction.being pg is no excuse for vile behaviour

you need to apologise pronto.given your dh diagnosis you of all people should understand,and not be considering exclusion from the birth

BarmyArmy · 24/07/2010 19:54

Sounds like the OP is using the non-presence of her partner at the birth as a way of punishing him.

MillyR · 24/07/2010 20:17

I don't think it is acceptable to throw screw drivers around. But, even if you were a money launderer or a murderer, I would still say that it is up to you who attends the birth.

The ONLY thing that matters when you are in labour is how useful the people in the room are at successfully helping you to give birth. If you do no think the presence of your partner is going to help you, he shouldn't be there. if you think his presence is going to distress you, he shouldn't be there.

He can see the baby as soon as it is born. The purpose of fathers being present at the birth is to help the mother, not stand around watching the head crown as if it some sort of spectator sport.

abshirley · 24/07/2010 21:02

MillyR, I agree with every word. A woman is not obliged to have the father present [and neither is the father if he really doesn't want to be].It is up to each individual couple to decide between themselves.

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