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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The dummy is gone but it's not going well

28 replies

NatHolt · 23/07/2010 15:18

I need some advice!! My daughter is 3 years old and has had a dummy, we always had to have it with us incase she decided that she needed it. She would have it in a lot.... and would talk with it in which would annoy all of us as we couldn't understand her. Her Grandpa asked her for it and she handed it over... not realising she was not getting it back. Once she gave it over I said to her she was very good to say goodbye to her dummy and she didn't respond.
That day she asked for it continually over the next 7 hours! Somehow she went to bed ok that night.... but now bedtimes are a disaster! I have a good bedtime routine because also have an 11week old but it doesn't seem to make one bit of difference to her. She will come out of her room over and over and want a cuddle, and want a bottle and will out right refuse to go to bed, she ends up crying and screaming. She doesn't ask for her dummy but this has only happened since then so I assume she is wanting it.
I feel bad because when I think back on the last 6 months it's been very full on for her... we've moved (away from her grandparents who she idolised) and had a second baby... I think we've done the wrong thing to make her give up the dummy.
What does everyone else think?
Our nights used to be uninterrupted but now she wakes and wants cuddles and needs to go to the toilet because of the extra milk bottles she is drinking. I am exhaused but I fear that if I give the dummy back I will look weak and she will think she can always win against me.
I don't know what to do about it.... I need your help!
Thanks fellow Mums. x o

OP posts:

BrightLightBrightLight · 23/07/2010 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nagoo · 23/07/2010 15:24

I think stick with it....

You've been given a gift that Granpa is prepared to be the baddy who took the dummy away rather then you directly.

Otherwise when will you get rid of the thing?

She'll get over it soon I'm sure.

2kids2dogsandahorse · 23/07/2010 15:28

I'm a reformed dummy hater. DD1 wasn't allowed a dummy and promptly sucked her thumb and still does years later - it's a habit she's found virtually impossible to break as she does it when she's asleep. Also she needed braces.

DD2 I gave a dummy, which she had until she was around 4 and then gave up of her own accord 'because she was a big girl going to school and only babies have dummies'. It was a breeze at that age. She didn't need braces.

So IMO give her the dummy back and enjoy the peace lol.

whatname · 23/07/2010 15:44

how long has this been going on?
I was going to stay stick with it, as you have started it, but it sounds quite unbearable!
but you will have to get rid of it sometime.
And i would worry that if she has it in all day it will be affecting her speech.
we got rid of DS's about 6 months ago, about 2 1/2.took a couple of days until he stopped asking for it

rewardgirl · 23/07/2010 15:46

A trick method that my brother used very effectively with his DS was this. On Christmas Eve, he collected all the dummies together and then told DS that he was going to throw all the dummies up the chimney, and in return Father Christmas was going to bring lots of presents for him to say thank you and reward him for being such a good, grown up boy.
Worked a treat - didn't need a dummy again after that.

Maybe have a Dummy Fairy - have a little ceremony to send all the dummies to FairyLand, and have a little treat ready for the morning that "came from the fairies"...

ChippingIn · 23/07/2010 15:50

I have to say, the way you went about this was pretty awful It's not going to do much for her trust of either you or her Granpa. She should have been told what was going to happen and preferably given some incentive to give it up, or reward. Dummy fairies normally bring something nice... is there anything you can afford to buy her that she would really like that she can find under her pillow, with a note from the Dummy fairy to say she's sorry it's taken so long to bring her present but Grandpa wanted her to have something very special?

Same with getting rid of the bottles - she's a big girl and IMHO should not be having a bottle - find an incentive to get rid of that as well.

5DollarShake · 23/07/2010 15:53

I was a dummy-hater as well, but when it became clear that my baby DS needed something to suck, I relented. Better a dummy which can ultimately be withdrawn, than a thumb - I sucked my thumb until I was nearly 10 and had to have braces. A dummy was by far the lesser of two evils.

Friends of mine have also used the Dummy Fairy with great success. One used it in conjunction with her twins going into their big boy beds worked a treat.

I'm not sure how best to play it though, as you've already taken it off her.

BlueFergie · 23/07/2010 15:54

Hi,

I am not a big dummy fan either particularly in older children.
However having said that I think that the way you aproached it was not great. Just springing it on her all of a sudden and considering all the other changes in her life I am not surprised she is upset.
With any changes with my 3yo I always flag them well in advance with lots of talk and encouragement about what is going to happen. I appreciate the fear about looking weak but could you not strike some sort of 'deal' with her. IE say that you think she has been such a big girl giving up her dummy and doing so well with it but that you know it has been hard and she misses it so she can have it back for night time only provided she doesn't look/ cry for it during the day.
This way you get good nights back but don't have to worry about her having it in her mouth when she should be talking/ eating etc. I would also flag a clear date when the night time dummy has to go. Maybe her birthday/ Christmas and she gets an extra present as a reward, and remind her about this date and present often.

ChippingIn · 23/07/2010 16:00

5DollarShake - don't get me wrong, with some 'sucky' babies they are a godsend, however, (IMHO) removal of them around 4 months is the key.

BF - it's another option, but I'd still go for the letter from the Dummy Fairy myself.

nagoo · 23/07/2010 16:07

ChippingIn I think that the letter is a superb plan!

Morloth · 23/07/2010 16:08

LOL, I thought this was going to be a thread about getting a separation/divorce.

Original poster

NatHolt · 23/07/2010 16:15

Thanks for all the feedback so far... I can see some good things to consider there.
I know we went about it the wrong way.... NOW!
I like the idea of saying she can only have it at night time but she is one very VERY determinded & stubborn girl! She tells us she doesn't like Father Christmas and she doesn't want presents from him so I can't really imagine she'll agree to leave it for him.... maybe I could try the fairy option.
It was a week ago that this happened... how long should we give it?

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 23/07/2010 16:17

splutter..... Morloth!!

PMSL

RuthyandBrendan · 23/07/2010 16:27

I was a dummy-hater until we had our first baby (now 3months old), and was surprised that all the advice re: self-soothing was 'let them suck their fingers/thumbs' - not only are fingers and thumbs available all the time and impossible to take away (!) but I had to have a brace having been a thumb-sucker! (...fyi, Mum & Dad gave me a reward of a white towelling jumpsuit from M&S when I did - seriously cool in the early '80's I assure you). The ONLY thing with dummies is they can cause speech impediments if the child is literally sucking all the time - your not that kind of Mum though!

If it's a reaction to the move / new baby, then maybe look at new ways to affirm her? This is super cheesy but there is a fantastic book called the "Five Love Languages" - it is so simple but amazing when put in practise: the idea is that everyone has a 'primary love language', and if love is demonstrated to you in that way, first and foremost, then you feel most loved / secure. We usually demonstrate our love for someone in the way we feel most loved - BUT the thing to do is to love someone in the way THEY feel most loved, which can be quite hard to do as it might not come as naturally. ANYWAY! The very basic 'languages' are: 1) Words of affirmation; 2) Physical touch; 3) Quality time; 4) Acts of Service; 5) Gift giving. Your child probably has a veering to one of these, so even though ALL of them are important maybe have a think about which one she really responds to? eg. if it's words of affirmation, then up the encouragement... or if it's gift giving (this doesn't have to be bought gifts), maybe leave a little picture for her under her pillow or something. Anyway, you know your little girl and you sound like an amazing Mum!

Plus, don't worry what anyone else thinks - what's your instinct? What do YOU think about dummies? In terms of discipline, if you've said no, it's good to stick to your guns - be encouraged that the boundaries you set are really great and they're there to give your children security, making secure adults!

harley85 · 23/07/2010 16:49

the fairy is a great idea, maybe tell her when shes going to bed that in the morning (for being such a big girl) the dummy fairy brings a suprise for her, then pop something in a nice give bag and pop it on her door handle (not in her room) then when she comes out in the morning she will be very excited,

DD's dummy went to the easter bunny (2.5)and she got a rabbit and takes it to bed with her every night instead of dummy it works very well, maybe something she could take to bed with her or a new bedtime book?

Stick with it, otherwise all your hardwork is undone if you give it back

DD2 is 6 weeks and DD1 doesnt bother at all with hers

BlueFergie · 23/07/2010 16:56

Normally I agree with not giving in once you have made a decision but I don't think this should be a rigid rule especially in these circumstances.

The child is already going through a traumatic time. New sibling, house move, seeing grandparents less. To withdraw a huge source of comfort at the same time as well as it being a trusted loved adult who 'stole' it from her is a traumatic experience. This has obviously had a big impact on the child has she is very upset. I think acknowledging that upset is the right thing to do rather than sticking to the old 'what I say goes' routine.

In a larger sense I don't think there is anything wrong in occassionally admitting to making a mistake (which I think we all agree the handling of this was). Sometimes we are unintentionally unfair to our children and we shouldn't be scared to trying to fix it when we are. It is a good example to set them in my opinion.

moominmarvellous · 23/07/2010 17:01

DD (3.5) gave her dummy up about 6/8 weeks ago it came about by by accident really after we left the last one at my Mums. We told her it was left behind and she was fine, but then no one could find it so I told her that the Dummy Dairy comes and collects them from Big Girls so she can make dummies for all the new babies.

She asked for it on and off for the first few weeks, so I just distracted her and now she doesn't mention it at all (I'd say in the last 5 weeks)and sleeps fine.

I felt terrible when she asked me to 'tell that Dummy fairy off because I really need it'.

But I'd go with persevere, a week is quite far into it and she will ask for it, but by using the Dummy Fairy you can spin out a nice distracting fairytale to take her mind off it. Good luck!

BlueFergie · 23/07/2010 17:15

On the Dummy Fairy. I have heard this used succesfully with a lot of people but again this has always been when it was well flagged. My concern with your daughter is that she is waking up crying in the night but not asking for the dummy. So she doesn't even know herself why she is so upset. In this case the Dummy Fairy might not do the trick because is does not seem to be a concious thing with her but she is just very upset be averything coming together.

I think I would go with the compromise option but if you preferred you could always try the Dummy Fairy and if it is still no better than say that the Fairy thought she took the night time soother too quickly and is going to giver it back for a few weeks/ months only at night. This way it is the fairy losing 'face' not you.

whatname · 23/07/2010 19:15

I would still stick with it, simply because you will have to do it sometime, and if you go backwards now all her upset will have been for nothing
hope that doesn't sound bad!
I do think a letter thanking her for the dummy would be a great thing, with a present.
and maybe get her some kind of doll or teddy for bedtime??

sunny2010 · 23/07/2010 21:33

My daughter asked for it continually the whole day she quit. Then the next few days she followed me around my workplace (I work in a nursery) and said 'a dummy, a dummy, a dummy' for my whole shift!! She did this less and less the whole week but it actually drove me barmy bearing in mind I was trying to deal with loads of other kids at the same time.She also woke up a few times a night. She is still waking up through the night but she doesnt mention it that much in the day now.

This is normal for quitting the dummy and personally I definitely wouldnt give up. Everytime you give up it makes it harder the next time.

fruitful · 23/07/2010 22:08

You have an 11-wk-old and and a 3yo who was sleeping through the night, and you took her dummy away? You're barking!

I'd let her have it back for night-time only. If she only has it at night it isn't a big deal and she can give it up in her own sweet time.

We tried taking ds2's dummy away a few weeks back (at 2.5). He only had his dummy at night so he was used to not sucking on anything during the day, never sucked his thumb. But after a night without his dummy he spent the whole day sucking his thumb. Plus he is a beautiful sleeper with his dummy - so we gave it back.

Original poster

NatHolt · 24/07/2010 07:25

Well, I think this website is fantastic!
I barely got any sleep last night because all I could think about was my poor little princess and her dummy. We got through the night, after her waking 4 times and it taking me 2 and a half hours to get her to bed. She was my perfect princess.... took to having a new sibling so well... everything got better, her toileting, eating, going to childcare and then I mucked it all up by taking away her dummy! How could I be so stupid???? I absolutely admit I've made a big mistake here... or actually 2! How we tried to do it and the timing, it was not fair on her. Sometimes I think we expect more from our littlies but they are only babies... sometimes we forget.
She asked for her dummy today.... I had a big chat with her and we made a 'deal' (which we do on occasions). I said she could have it to go to bed with... she was obviously tired and in need of a nap but refused to go. She climbed up into her bed, I reinforced our deal and gave her the dummy, she was asleep within a minute! and is still sleeping nearly 3 hours later.
I know many of you have different views and may think I have again done the wrong thing but thank you so much for your advice... this parenting stuff is so hard! I worry everyday about the decisions I'm making, it's nice to be able to put it out there and get some constructive feed back.
I am keeping everything crossed that tonight will go smoothly!

OP posts:

Original poster

NatHolt · 24/07/2010 07:28

RuthyandBrendan... thank you for your lovely message.

OP posts:

harley85 · 24/07/2010 14:03

bless her, glad your all happier, thats all that really matters.. maybe a few months time the fairy might come?

QuantaCosta · 24/07/2010 14:17

Natholt. I think you've done the right thing. I was a biggggggggg dummy hater (we called them soothers in our house) until DS1 was born. He had one until he was about 4 but only for bedtime. He has always been a fantastic slleper and I think that was alot to do with it. It helped that he went to nursery and they weren't allowed them there at all! When we did decided to get rid it happened by accident. he couldn't find one one night and I told him I now thought it was time he did without as he would be stating school soon and we never looked back.

DS2 refused point blank to have a soother and is still a pretty poor sleeper 6 years down the line!

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