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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to get frustrated with how she is parenting?

34 replies

PiscesLondon · 22/07/2010 16:49

my OH's cousin and i are very close, we class eachother as family and have known eachother since we were kids, we are the same age and both have DD's. we spend alot of time together, especially taking the kids out etc...

her DD (my god daughter) is 3 in september, i love her to bits and have a very good relationship with her (babysitting, taking her on days out etc..) but her behaviour is awful lately. in a nutshell she tells people to 'fuck off' and 'piss off' she screams the place down if she can't have her own way, she doesn't listen to a thing her mother says and has started to lash out at her mother, she also trashes my home when visiting (not in a bratty way, just being a typical toddler i guess - although she does throw things in temper if asked to put them back) because my DD is still only a baby and not a toddler i'm not sure if this is extreme behaviour for a 2yrs and 10months old child or just part of the terrible 2's? i love the child to bits and don't actually believe she realises what she's doing is wrong as her grandparents swear alot infront of her and she is never really told by anyone that her behaviour is unacceptable.

now, as i mentioned above i spend alot of time with this child and her mother. when we are out and about and she starts, her mother just says 'stop it' and sort of hurries off, often leaving her DD in the pram with me i then feel the need to tell the child that she musn't scream and shout and she must sit nicely in the pram like all the other good kids, but i don't know if i'm being unreasonable by doing this as i'm not her mother and she's not a blood relation of mine?

her mother is starting to really frustrate me, we are very close and i'm finding myself wanting to tell her that she needs to start acting more like a responsible parent. i dislike how she lets such bad language be used infront of her child, i also dislike how she very often leaves me to deal with her screaming child by walking away, i also feel she needs to start telling her child off and making sure her child knows their is consequences for bad behaviour (she feels guilty for telling her child off, which i just don't understand) i guess i'm worried about the child, especially as she's starting nursery in september and really does have no discipline. AIBU to say anything, shall i just keep my nose out?

OP posts:

LIZS · 22/07/2010 16:56

Is your dd much younger ? 2-3 is an age for pushing boundaries and buttons, not sitting still is typical. I'd agree that swearing in front of her and not correcting it is n't great but when you've got a child at that age you may realise that not rising to it and ignoring bad behaviour is a good tactic. How do you know she feels guilty ? If you feel the need ask her not to allow swearing in your company but she'll soon pick up better social behaviour at nursery and maybe benefit from the structure.

MathsMadMummy · 22/07/2010 16:57

YANBU. how frustrating

as the mum of a just-3yo, I can tell you that no, swearing is definitely NOT normal 'terrible 2s' behaviour! no way. sure, my DD had the odd strop but we stopped any potential 'lashing out' straight away so she learnt quickly.

it is very difficult when you think other parents are unwittingly harming their children in some way - and lack of discipline IS harmful.

discipline the child as you would your own, I'd say, when she's with you. as for when she walks off, well that's so out of order but maybe she's just so freaked out by it and doesn't know what to do.

if this girl is her first she's probably just out of her depth. maybe watching some supernanny would help! (she's unpopular on MN but I like it)

Original poster

PiscesLondon · 22/07/2010 17:07

LIZ - my dd is only 9 months old, so i haven't enetered the toddler stage yet, and if this is how all toddlers behave, i'm bloody dreading it! she told me last week that she was sick of her dd's behaviour, so i told her to start discipling her, she then told me she felt guilty telling her off and then changed the subject. she only has the 1 child and she is her PFB.

MMM - i think you are right that she gets freaked out and walks away, she doesn't know how to handle it. i do feel sorry for mummy but i feel she's too soft. i don't want my DD seeing another child swearing, i don't want her to grow up thinking it's normal.

OP posts:

Morloth · 22/07/2010 17:12

YANBU, you can't say anything though it will go horribly wrong.

I have distanced myself from people over the years when it has become clear that our parenting styles are going to clash.

LIZS · 22/07/2010 17:14

Maybe they are not always that extreme but most toddlers latch onto the words (swearing, rude words, bodily functions and so on) and behaviour that will provoke most attention - positive or negative. Of course they can only learn this by example, so you concerns there are valid. However by not engaging with her dd when she misbehaves she is trying to do the right thing but needs to follow it up by giving positive attention when she calms down or stops shouting etc. If she is struggling suggest she sees if there are any parenting groups at the local Surestart centre, even offer to go along as you may wnat to preempt this and arm yourself with tactics !

MathsMadMummy · 22/07/2010 17:31

you need to be subtle I think. the surestart/children's centre idea is a great one as you could go together. perhaps casually mention parenting books or something?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/07/2010 17:41

The bit that would annoy/worry me is the walking away.

Why on earth is she doing that??

katiestar · 22/07/2010 18:55

i think they advise walking away from a tantrum so as not to give the toddler an audience.Dr Green in toddler taming does anyway
i really think you ought to get a bit of experience of your own with toddlers under your belt before you start judging.

DetectivePotato · 22/07/2010 19:12

YANBU. This mother can clearly see her DDs behaviour and is refusing to deal with it. This is only going to make it worse. My DS is 2.5 but I wouldn't put up with this sort of behaviour from him. Yes he is testing the boundaries but I hope that me consistantly telling him what he is and isn't allowed to do will pay off.

Can you not say to her "can you deal with this please as I feel uncomfortable telling her off as I am not her mother"

I also HATE people swearing in front of children. Could you say to the girl "thats not nice words, we don't use those" or something like that.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/07/2010 19:15

katie - the walking away is all very well, but you don't walk away yourself and leave your friend or whoever to deal with it in your absence!

I have my own toddler thanks, so I feel 'qualified' to comment.

katiestar · 22/07/2010 19:21

i meant the op ,why would you think i was talking to you ?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/07/2010 19:23

Because you were talking about the walking away, it seemed you were replying to what I had said. Apologies

QuantaCosta · 22/07/2010 19:32

The swearing thing is definitely wrong. Maybe you could ask her to address it on the grounds you don't want yours to hear it and think it's ok??

However re the tanturms are you sure she is walking away because she is expecting you to deal with it??? I have always been a great believer in ignoring tanturms and not giving a child any attention what so ever when they occur. I have previously walked away from public tantrums (but keeping them in sight)and been very irritated by seeing some well meaning PITA member of the public start hovering over them trying to get them to calm down and engaging them in conversation. You should ask her what her expectations of you in that situation. If she says she was attempting to ignore then can walk away. If it seems that she expects you to deal you need to point out that you're not prepared to and it's your job.

Apart from the swearing sounds like a pretty normal terribles twos.

Original poster

PiscesLondon · 22/07/2010 21:12

katie & quanta - the walking away is actually leaving the pram with me and walking away. on most ocassions she'll say to me something along the lines of 'tell her that's naughty' or look at me with a bewildered look like she wants me to help.

i'm not a fan of lazy parenting, i think it's why we have so many problems in society today and i'm just worried that she is a bit too lazy to deal with the tantrums, but maybe i'm wrong? the walking away may be a positive thing.

OP posts:

MathsMadMummy · 22/07/2010 22:52

crikey if she's actually asking you to deal with it that's crazy, she's the mum not you!

to me though it doesn't sound like laziness, she sounds quite out of her depth. how is she coping with motherhood generally? is she happy?

Original poster

PiscesLondon · 22/07/2010 23:06

yeah, she loves her DD and is a good mum (loving and wants the best for her etc...)i guess she just finds this phase difficult, but doesn't do anything (apart from maybe the walking away) to correct DD's behaviour.

OP posts:

prozacfairy · 23/07/2010 06:43

YANBU Why would you have kids if you can't be arsed to deal with them?

It sounds like she doesn't want to be the baddy and that is why she wants you to deal with it. I'd stop stepping in to help her personally. There is no point you telling off her DD when she refuses to, in the long run it doesn't work ime.

Coralanne · 23/07/2010 07:13

I guess I'm in the position of seeing the end result.

Several people I know who are now in their early twenties were absolute horrors as children and if I had to guess where they would end up I would have said jail or on the streets.

They are now model citizens, university educated and lovely people.

On the other hand several of the nice, quiet,polite children, ran off the rails in their late teens early twenties.

Just bear with her and the child.

The child will probably turn out to be very bright and intelligent.

Coralanne · 23/07/2010 07:18

I would be interested to know where a child of that age has been hearing those swear words.

I know they hear them on the street while out shopping, but it sounds as though she hears them on a regular basis because she is using them in the correct context.

Coralanne · 23/07/2010 07:38

I would be interested to know where a child of that age has been hearing those swear words.

I know they hear them on the street while out shopping, but it sounds as though she hears them on a regular basis because she is using them in the correct context.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 23/07/2010 07:49

The walking away does sound like she is at the end of her tether and doesn't have a clue what to do. I can understand that but she really does need to work on it.
She sounds like a friend of mine who was worried if she told her ds off he wouldn't love her enough, the result was/is a boy of school age now that none of the other kids want to play with as he is so aggressive and she is never away from the school.

I remember feeling soooo guilty when I had to tell dd (PFB) off but I knew at the end of the day it was for her own good as I wouldn't be doing her any favours by giving her no boundaries at all and this is what your friend needs to realise.

Chathappy · 23/07/2010 08:11

Hmm, I think this is a difficult one actually... Having had two boys myself who were brought up exactly the same and who have been complete opposites when it comes to behaviour (at the toddler age you are talking about) it has made me a lot more understanding to parents of slightly 'mad' toddlers!

Don't get me wrong - it does annoy me if behaviour isn't corrected but it has also taught me to take off my judgey pants once in a while too as I know some kids are just harder work than others.

Although the swearing would grate on me (but of course not the childs fault if that's what she hears herself) but then again, you're supposed to ignore bad language at this age or a reaction often makes them want to say it more. So that is more the fault of the people swearing around her in the first place IMO.

And i don't think yabu to be annoyed at her walking away and leaving you during a tantrum. Fair enough if she wants to walk away and ignore the behaviour, but she should be taking you with her, not leaving you there to deal with it!

Oblomov · 23/07/2010 08:24

Oh its the same old nonsense that you see on dr tanya or supernanny. no discipline. 'oh i don't want to say no, becasue then she won't love me'. baddie mummy. oh puuuurrrlease.
maybe talking to her dh might be better. i fear talking to her is useless.

Oblomov · 23/07/2010 08:25

and i am a big advocate of ignoring. but this is not that.

HeadFairy · 23/07/2010 08:26

WRT the swearing thing, God knows where they get it, I don't swear in front of ds but he's said the occasional F word and bugger a few times. To be honest, you only have to walk down the street sometimes and you'll hear someone swearing. There were a load of teenage boys in the park the other day F-ing and blinding... anyway, I digress. Perhaps your friend isn't saying anything to her dd about the swearing because she doesn't want to fuel the fire. If I say to ds don't say that word he'll use it endlessly. So I say don't speak like that perhaps, but he knows it's wrong so I don't want to draw attention to it at all. Perhaps thats what your friend is doing. Why don't you ask her in a casual conversational manner if that's what she's doing?

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