AIBU to get frustrated with how she is parenting?

[PiscesLondon]

my OH's cousin and i are very close, we class eachother as family and have known eachother since we were kids, we are the same age and both have DD's. we spend alot of time together, especially taking the kids out etc...

her DD (my god daughter) is 3 in september, i love her to bits and have a very good relationship with her (babysitting, taking her on days out etc..) but her behaviour is awful lately. in a nutshell she tells people to 'fuck off' and 'piss off' she screams the place down if she can't have her own way, she doesn't listen to a thing her mother says and has started to lash out at her mother, she also trashes my home when visiting (not in a bratty way, just being a typical toddler i guess - although she does throw things in temper if asked to put them back) because my DD is still only a baby and not a toddler i'm not sure if this is extreme behaviour for a 2yrs and 10months old child or just part of the terrible 2's? i love the child to bits and don't actually believe she realises what she's doing is wrong as her grandparents swear alot infront of her and she is never really told by anyone that her behaviour is unacceptable.

now, as i mentioned above i spend alot of time with this child and her mother. when we are out and about and she starts, her mother just says 'stop it' and sort of hurries off, often leaving her DD in the pram with me i then feel the need to tell the child that she musn't scream and shout and she must sit nicely in the pram like all the other good kids, but i don't know if i'm being unreasonable by doing this as i'm not her mother and she's not a blood relation of mine?

her mother is starting to really frustrate me, we are very close and i'm finding myself wanting to tell her that she needs to start acting more like a responsible parent. i dislike how she lets such bad language be used infront of her child, i also dislike how she very often leaves me to deal with her screaming child by walking away, i also feel she needs to start telling her child off and making sure her child knows their is consequences for bad behaviour (she feels guilty for telling her child off, which i just don't understand) i guess i'm worried about the child, especially as she's starting nursery in september and really does have no discipline. AIBU to say anything, shall i just keep my nose out?

Mind you, OP does sound very very naieve. I know she has, only a baby. but children do behave this way, at that age, less the swearing maybe.

My DS is 2 and 4 months and is going through a very disruptive and badly behaved stage, and whilst I do discipline him and he goes on the naughty step for lashing out and other misbehaviour I completely ignore him if he swears.

If I react to the swearing, he will do it more because he knows it is naughtly. Although admittedly he usually says sodding or bloody, but he has occasionally said F**k (which he has picked up from my rare outbursts in the car ).

I think the OP should be sympathetic and supportive rather than judgemental - all toddlers, like all people are different. Perhaps she could instigate exploring other methods - Dr Green etc from local library, maybe as "preparation" for when her dd gets to that age. Also suggest minding language in front of children, but that is not always easy - especially if the child is picking it up from grandparents.

thanks for the replies, i'll bring it up casually in conversation and see how it goes. the surestart classes are a great idea.

it's definitely not toddler's fault with the swearing. the language she hears around her grandparent's is appalling, really bad stuff (i swear like a trooper myself so i'm not judging, i just wouldn't dare do it around a toddler)

i was just worried as she doesn't deiscipline her, ever! so how is the child ever meant to know right from wrong?

ooh that's a good idea MrsJT. Pisces - start watching supernanny, reading toddler parenting guides etc (I was doing that in advance and I really believe it helped) - say you're doing it for preparation for your own toddler as this will take the spotlight off her. but it could really open up a conversation about how she's coping etc. she may be embarrassed to admit the problem.

yes, these are great ideas. i like to be prepared anyway so i will take some books from the library and go from there.

Hi Pisces, this is a really tricky one, I don't know how I would broach this with her but she has to start dealing with her own child sooner or later. As you clearly understand yourself, part of being a parent is setting boundaries and teaching your kids appropriate behaviour and you can't just abdicate that responsibility when they hit toddlerhood and start getting awkward.

I'd be quite frank with her and say you are not comfortable disciplining her child on her behalf - you could frame it like 'I'm just afraid I might do or say something which you wouldn't agree with and that we might fall out over it.' TBH if this child is starting nursery soon, the nursery staff will pretty soon start having words with your friend about her DDs behaviour and language and hopefully she'll be embarrassed into action. The swearing thing is pretty bad I have to say - I love some good creative swearing too but I save it til DD is in bed.

I'd be very wary about judging/giving advice on parenting a three year old if your own child is still a baby TBH.

...I used to judge peoples parenting terribly when I didn't have kids and when DD was a baby..then you get more understanding as you go through the issues yourself.

Ignoring will be taught at Sure Start classes.

Sure Start will also teach you that naughty step can damage self-esteem. And that overuse of punishment/negative discipline will result in the same + escalation of negative behaviour.

Unfortunately Sure Start cannot give you the compassion or experience to stop you judging situations about which you know very little.

I cringe at the judging I did when my first baby was still a baby.

I could well write a post saying, 'My child is going through a difficult stage testing boundaries. My dear friend can't stop butting out. I have been ignoring the strops which seems to be working, but whenever DF is about she undermines my discipline and butts in, making the situation much worse. When my child swears, she overreacts so he swears again for effect.'

Etc.

KWIM babe?

At the end of the day, she's the mother, you are not. Look after your own child. Do the best you can. Some days it will NOT be good enough. That is a fact.