to be cross with DH over MIL birthday

[skidoodly]

I just realised this morning that it was my MIL's birthday on Sunday. I'm absolutely mortified, we totally forgot, she got no card, no phonecall, nothing.

Part of the reason this happened is because DH is just shit at this kind of thing. He's also shit at ringing his mother. But, you know, she's his mother, and really they are quite close (despite lack of contact) so it's his business right?

I married a man who is just not good with phones, or remembering dates, and I'm OK with that, but it has meant that I am now the point of contact for some of his friends - as in they now contact me if they want to see him. I'm fine with this, his friends are great, they are my friends too etc. Although it does mean that he is gradually losing contact with the friends I don't know that well, or don't have a particular connection with.

I've always told him that I will NOT do this with his family, because I know how lazy he is about this kind of stuff and I don't want him to not ever phone his mother because he just expects me to do it.

BUT, they're my family too now and they're my DDs' relatives and I don't think he makes enough effort to keep the contact up, particularly since we live so far away.

So AIBU to be cross with him about this now? If this were you would you continue to butt out? Or would you just start getting your MIL a birthday card each year and getting your DDs to phone her on her every few weeks?

That's what I should do, isn't? There's no point in expecting him to change and there's no sense in MIL being hurt and DDs having distant relationship with their Grandma.

Are you sure that your MIL is hurt? Mine just accepts that her son is crap at remembering birthdays.

It wouldn't occur to me to be mortified if DH forgot his mum's b'day. He usually does
On the other hand I would be mortified if I forgot my own mum's b'day.

DH forgets my birthday, let alone his mother's and TBH I don't really know when any of his family's birthdays are so it is up to him. I don't view myself as part of his family though.

What happened about her birthday before he got together with you?

Take her a bunch of flowers, from you, and apologise, because clearly you DO want to acknowledge her b'day on your own account.

No, you're right she might not be hurt at all. She and his sister are big birthday people and never forget any if our birthdays, so I was making an assumption there.

Lol @ leaving him to forget birthdays

that's it exactly!

Maybe a lot of men are like this, I just find it so weird.

I rather think the whole greetings cards/gifts and indeed Christmas industries would collapse if women stopped taking responsibility for it all...

But what about her grandchildren?

Wouldn't you be sad if your granddaughters didn't make you a card, or whatever, just because your son was a lazy so and so?

As for what happened before we got together, I frequently wonder. He obviously bothered to keep up with his friends before I came along. But now they find him so infuriating they call me to make plans. It's ridiculous.

My DH is the same and MIL has been conditioned to accept it, as DH's Dad was also shite at remembering dates and giving presents (he mostly didn't). I think it's a load of cop-out bollocks on their part and won't stand for it.

MIL has had Christmas and birthday cards and presents this year from us and DS - she was very surprised and touched (little tear) that anyone bothered! Makes me cross. But I do hector and bully DH to do his part over it because I won't accept his "oh she's used to it" - she might be, but that doesn't mean she likes being used to it!

"I just hate the idea of becoming dh's social secretary"

Me too. It drives me nuts, but it seems to be happening despite my best efforts.

The thing is, his mum will ring up about things like when we are coming to visit, or what she should get DD for a present and want to talk to me about those things.

This baffles me because DH decides when we visit his family and I thought one of the fun things about being a grandparent was choosing presnts for your GCs.

The message coming from her seems to be that she expects all of this to be my domain.

Which is weird, because this is the woman who taught him to sew, cook, darn, and clean up after himself so he would never have to rely on a woman to look after him.

MIL always asks me what she can get DS for a present and I fully appreciate that she does that! It means that she knows she is getting him something that
a) he hasn't got already
b) I "approve" of
c) won't be doubled up by me getting him the same thing

It's a good habit - don't knock that one!

Your MIL does seem to recognise her DS's faults and is trying to bypass them by coming straight to you. If she starts asking about visiting, hand the phone over to your DH. Or say - I will have to check with DH and he will get back to you on that".

She's actually, IMO, trying to do the right thing by involving you - but you don't seem to want to be involved.

his family, his problem - that's how i leave it. i take responsibility for every aspect for every aspect of our family organisation and have drawn the line at that.

the only exception i make is for his baby niece - am happy to do the present and card buying for her!

No, I do want to be involved. I just don't want to take over. Other people's families are just a bit hard to get a handle on.

With presents for DDs I just want her to know that we will appreciate whatever she sends and that we trust her to have good ideas (she does, often things we wouldn't have thought of).

I am afraid it comes across like I'm not getting involved, but that is really not what I want.

tbh, I think that it doesn't take much to remember people's birthdays. A note in your diary, a reminder on your computer - it's not hard.

So to me it seems like not caring. And I'd be tempted to forget about his birthday until such time as he realised that not bothering about other people's birthdays is not nice.

Unless of course you already don't bother with his birthday and he doesn't care about that either

OP - your DH and my DH must be two peas in a pod; mine is just the same!

Really annoying. YANBU.

Don't have any advice for you, if I did I wouldn't have to get irked at my own DH about this issue!

I do think the blokes need to make more effort to remember birthdays et al. Mine isn't too bad re remembering the dates of immediate family's bdays, but will expect me to arrange cards/flowers/gifts as and when.

I do all birthdays including DH's family.

I also talk to mil far more than DH does.

But compared to many on mn I am a stepford wife

We don't really bother with our own birthdays too much, so I don't think he'd care or even really notice if I did that.

Pretty much nothing offends him. He is very self-sufficient.

I think I'd make sure her dgc make/send her a card from them even if your dh forgets.

Skidoodly as your MIL seems quite nice and as you seem to like her well enough, then I would 'sort' her birthday as well... yes you shouldn't have to, your DH should - but at the end of the day, you know he wont - so either remind him or just do it for her and your DD's sake NOT his.

If you didn't like her and she didn't make any effort - then I'd leave him to not do it.

Yes, Chipping, I think you're right. I'm back and forth on this, but I think it's nicest for her and my DDs that I just start making more of an effort to keep in touch with her. It won't just be birthdays, I'll start getting DD1 to call her too.

TakeLov - I had no idea this was so common. I thought DH was just a big weirdo. It's kind of comforting to know I'm not the only one!

Thanks everyone

I am always mortified when my DH forgets - it generally doesn't result in him not giving the present on time, rather having something hastily sent special delivery, etc. Its blatantly obvious he's left it to the last minute.

However, I'm sure they think its me who is crap. Why they think its my "job" when its his (technically) family, I do not know.

However, my lot get thoughtfully selected, nicely wrapped presents and cards on time. And they are abroad so I have to factor in post office visit and timing of delivery. So there

DH is crap. One year, he sanctimoniously announced that he wouldn't be giving "named cards" (i.e ones that say "to my mother" or "for a special niece") but instead would be giving generic charity christmas cards. So he bought a crappy pack of charity cards (which all had the same cover ) but then promptly forgot to bring them for our christmas visit so he couldn't hand them out.

He was nearly out the family that year.

Sit him down in front of MoonPig, get him to choose the cards and pay in advance for a year, they'll send them on whatever date you like - problem solved!

I have no idea when my ILs birthdays are.

In the past my husband has asked if I would get a card & send it which I didn´t mind, but I don´t see that it´s up to me to remember tbh.