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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent my DH's job and his boss?

32 replies

JustShaggingForNow · 22/07/2010 09:58

This week we have yet to eat a meal together and have spent the grand total of 3 waking hours together so far this week.

His boss has told him a few weeks ago that there are 24 hours in the day - 8 for sleeping and the rest is for working. He also told him that as his wife I should be supportive and grateful for the salary and not complain about not seeing him.

I try very hard to not make him feel bad about all the late nights (which he also hates but doesn't want to loose his job, which he would be likely to do if he didn;t put in the long hours) but we've only been married for 10 months and this isn't what I expected from my first year of marriage!!!

When did a 65 hour working week become the norm??

OP posts:
susie100 · 22/07/2010 10:01

Oh dear poor you, his boss sounds like a tool.
Is he is a banker or a lawyer per chance?
Is he working late on something specific or is this likely to continue for the forseeable? Does your DH enjoy it? i think that is the most important thing.
its tough as he must spend the weekend recovering as well

Hassled · 22/07/2010 10:02

It's not the norm, and is against some directive or other (do you remember that hospital doctors had to cut back on hours a few years ago? There was some EU reg brought in).

If your DH worked his contracted hours (what do his terms and conditions actually say) and the boss sacked him for not working longer, then your DH would have a case for unfair dismissal. The boss almost certainly knows this.

Your DH should be looking for another job asap.

pjmama · 22/07/2010 10:02

Your DH's boss is an unreasonable wanker. I'm not a solicitor, but surely it's not legal to effectively bully someone into working almost double a normal working week? What does he do and what does his contract say regarding working hours and overtime?

I think I'd rather look for another job than work for a twat like that.

BlingLoving · 22/07/2010 10:04

Nope, YABU. However, it's amazing how often this happens. If you and DH both hate it, and it's the culture where he works, it may be worth starting to plan an exit strategy. ie save up, think about other options etc. DH and I are doing that (but slowly),

Booboobedoo · 22/07/2010 10:06

Ooh, tough.

My DH has been in this situation with more than one boss, and is a workaholic just to add to the mix.

We made a deal after moving in together that he would leave work on time two nights a week, on the understanding that he could work as late as he liked the other three.

This compromise works for us.

His boss sounds like a right prize.

Original poster
JustShaggingForNow · 22/07/2010 10:12

Yup - boss is a total twunt!

He is going to start to look for something else but as he is currently in his probationary period until September he is having to do the long hours. He was told that he should also be spending at least 1 weekend in 3 in London so he can be in the office (we spend weekends in Bath at our main home)

He's a surveyor by trade but has joined a fun to look after their property arm and his boss is an ex banker.... just so frustrating!!

It's also pretty hard for him to start looking for other roles when he spends so long in the office and doesn;t want to spend weekends infront of his laptop updating his CV and applying for positions.

Glad to hear that I'm not BU, was starting to think that maybe this was the norm and that I was being a pain by making a fuss about it!

OP posts:
traceybath · 22/07/2010 10:15

Well my DH works very long hours but its his own business.

I do think people do generally work longer hours nowadays and especially if they're on a good package.

I guess it may calm down a bit as he gets a bit more senior though.

I personally wouldn't get annoyed with your DH though but would encourage him to look for another job as a priority if he's unhappy in his current position.

Original poster
JustShaggingForNow · 22/07/2010 10:27

The package is good but it's not that good IYSWIM. He's not going to progress any higher up the ladder as it's a small company and he is as high as he is going to ever be there.

If he was working hard on his own business and making money for himself and not other people then I don't think he'd mind. I'm not annoyed with him, but the situation is pretty crap and is making me really unhappy.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 22/07/2010 10:35

DH has worked these hours (chef) ever since I have known him. I am not annoyed with DH but sometimes I wonder what it must be like to be married to someone who does 9-5. Pretty amazing I would think.

susie100 · 22/07/2010 10:41

Most people sign away the rights to the EU directive though, I did, most people I know in professional jobs in London do etc.

It is also very normal to work longer than contracted hours and frankly you would get nowhere if you insisted on doing 9-5.

it is a tough one. If here were really enjoying it it would be different but if he is miserable, an exit strategy is probably the right way forward.

He may also find that once he has bedded down things get easier, I think it takes a year to get your feet under the table in a new job, especially because it sounds as though he has changed focus slightly.

upahill · 22/07/2010 10:42

Well a 65 hour week is normal in this house for DH but he is self employed and we are going through tough times.

He goes out at 8.15 and does the school run and then on to work comes home at 7.00\7.30 most days except Tuesday when he does his stock stuff and gets home at 9.00.

Once home he does his paper work and banking. Saturdays he may visit a customer or whatever.

It's rubbish isn't Justshagging.I'm not top trumping I'm sympathising and saying long working days are normal in some parts.

Not sure what to suggest but at least yours probably gets paid for holidays, sick leave, and had a pension scheme . DH takes 9 days leave a year including Christmas.

I'm not moaning because he is building our future and making a living and not a feckless arse.
It's just difficult watching him being knackered.
If your DH doesn't like it he can look for another job or look at his contract and revisit his terms and conditions.

Pootles2010 · 22/07/2010 10:45

Its hard isn't it, my dp's job has recently changed, and he's working a lot more hours now. He really had to fight tooth & nail to get them to agree to arrange cover so he can be there when our baby's born (any time now hopefully!), and there's no way he'll be able to take full paternity leave.

Was discussing with my dad who's quite high up in same industry, he said that although its not in dp's contract to work this much, the way things are at the moment with the economy its just not worth rocking the boat - too risky. So we just have to put up with it and be glad he has a job

I think part of it (at least in our case) is the more American attitude to work starting to creep in.

minipie · 22/07/2010 10:45

Unfortunately many jobs demand ridiculous working hours these days and it just seems to be getting worse and worse.

Ultimately however as things stand employers can demand whatever they like. If the demands aren't worth the rewards then your only option is to leave. Sounds like you and he have already made that decision.

Maybe if enough people leave these crazy hours jobs then maybe employers might start recognising that people aren't willing to sacrifice their lives .

I do sympathise though, it's easy to say "leave" but in practice that can be hard when you have only just joined and don't want the CV to show a quick departure, and when there isn't enough time to research other jobs. Could he take some annual leave days to job hunt? (Or even sickies... wouldn't normally suggest but he's leaving anyway and they more than get their pound of flesh at other times).

upahill · 22/07/2010 10:46

Would you DH be able to set up his own buisness doing what he is doing now?

Not sure if this comment helps but you did mention you wouldn't be as resentful if he was self employed.

SanctiMoanyArse · 22/07/2010 10:48

DH used to have bosses like that when he worked in a different industry. Notably, the two worst offender died suddenly at their desks after a heart attack in their forties, not much mourned by a series of ex wives.

He found somewhere better but was amde redundant but ahs set up self employed now and whilst stille arly days and ahrd, is much happier in himself and we are getting on better.

SanctiMoanyArse · 22/07/2010 10:52

Oh and yes self employment is also long hours but depending on what you do ther can be flexibility- DH chooses to get up early and start at 7, taking a break then for lunch with me (am a sahm / carer) and kinda has to help with the school run for practical reasons. He then works into the evening but some nights works more, others can balance it out oand we can make time togetehr.

OK some bits are a PITA- we manage to get away but sites we camp at ahve to have WIFI access for his laptop, a planned Sunday can be scuppered by a sudden order etc but OTOH he can make kid's plays, hospital appointments- and it's so much better than before.

BeenBeta · 22/07/2010 10:59

There was a thread about a similar situation here.

The current environment is leading to more and more firms putting pressure on employees to work longer and longer unpaid hours because frankly they know they are desperate to keep their jobs.

As I wrote on the other thread, they like nothing better than male employees with a SAHM and a mortgage.

This does not surprise me:

"His boss has told him a few weeks ago that there are 24 hours in the day - 8 for sleeping and the rest is for working. He also told him that as his wife I should be supportive and grateful for the salary and not complain about not seeing him."

I have had these very words said to me by a City banker trying to recuit me. I declined the job offer. Is your DH employed by an ex City Banker by any chance?

Original poster
JustShaggingForNow · 22/07/2010 11:54

Yup - ex banker who is American - double crap!! His boss's wife is all about the money so doesn't complain about her husband never being home but that's not what does it for me. I would rather have quality time with my new DH than a handful of cash.

We don't have kids and I am still working menaning I really am all alone once I get home at 5:30 until he eventually gets home at 11:00/12:00pm. He leaves the house at 7:15 every morning too so it's not like he's taking it easy and getting in late to compensate!

From the feedback here, I just have to suck it up and get on with it until he has time to find another job somewhere else.

OP posts:
upahill · 22/07/2010 15:54

Hope things get easier for you Just...

GiddyPickle · 22/07/2010 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmmaKateWH · 22/07/2010 16:31

My DH and I both work very long hours (he a solicitor and me a barrister). I am pretty pragmatic about it. Obviously I would like to have more free time together, but if you want to get on in a demanding career you have to expect to do a lot more than the standard working week. I wish DH was at home more, but I know its not his fault, and he is very well rewarded financially for how hard he works, so I try not to let it get me down.

Original poster
JustShaggingForNow · 22/07/2010 19:36

Just realised I said a 65 hour week and not 75.......

OP posts:
DomesticG0ddess · 22/07/2010 19:56

I do totally understand, but I try and see it as a means to an end and that we are working (together) towards a certain goal - ie. pay off mortgage, then take an easier approach to life. It's hard and you really have to try not to be resentful towards DH, though it does sound like his boss is an idiot who has no life. But if this isn't the right job that he can stick at for a few years and make it worthwhile and move up the company then perhaps he needs to look elsewhere - it is possible to have well paid, v demanding job with long hours, BUT with an understanding boss who also understands the value of free/family time - which does make a huge amount of difference.

upahill · 22/07/2010 20:10

Does he work Saturday and Sunday?

Original poster
JustShaggingForNow · 22/07/2010 20:17

Not at the moment upahill but his boss did tell him that she shoudl be spending 1 in 3 weekends in London in the office so we'll have to see what happens!!!

OP posts: