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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hink SIL should come to her nieces birthday party.

35 replies

spybear · 22/07/2010 09:48

I am having a party for DD next sunday, she will be 3. It is in a community centre but is for friends and family only(she will have lots of similar aged friends and cousins there to play with).

I have invited SIL, MIL and FIL, MIL and FIL probably wont come as FIL is poorly. I don't think SIL will come, not for any reason other than just not wanting too. She has no children of her own, lives with parents still, and i know she doesn't usually do much at the weekends.

I just think that as it is for family and friends that she should make the effort and come to see DD on her birthday.

When I had my last DD, she didn't come and visit or even ring me to see her niece. she only saw her when I took her to visit 3 weeks later.

So will IBU to get angry when she doesn't bother coming to the party( I know i will be angry, but should I keep it to myself)

OP posts:
Rockbird · 22/07/2010 09:51

Doesn't sound like she's too bothered, which is rubbish for you obviously. But I can't see there's much point in trying to drag her to sit through a child's party, which is probably her idea of hell, sorry, if she didn't make the effort to see your newborn.

Think you just have to write her off as a bit of a dud aunt really. I know it sucks but some people are like that.

plantsitter · 22/07/2010 09:52

Well, first of all she hasn't said she's not coming.

And secondly, kids' parties are really not that interesting when you don't have kids. She won't be able to spend much time with her niece anyway. And presumably she works or goes to college or something during the week and is entitled to do what she likes with her free time.

So I think YAB a bit U.

pooka · 22/07/2010 09:54

Up to her whether she wants to come. I never quite understand why anyone would expect a childless relation to accept children's party invitations with gusto.

I would never, pre-schildren, have been that enthused. Kids were just not on my "radar".

Now I have three, and I would invite my childless siblings to parties but would probably be pleasantly surprised and chuffed if they did come, rather than expectant.

Booboobedoo · 22/07/2010 09:56

I suppose YABU, but I would feel as you do.

No point saying anything though. It would just create bad feeling on both sides and wouldn't achieve anything.

You never know - she may turn into super-aunt when they're bigger.

char3mum · 22/07/2010 09:56

Don't let it upset you, my in laws never come to my DC parties, in fact i don't invite them anymore, they don't make the effort so i won't either, DH always invites them, they never come, i prefere kids parties with thier friends and parents anyway, we have all got something in common so it just works imo

pumperspumpkin · 22/07/2010 10:00

Some people just aren't besotted with small children, even those they are related to - that's just life.

If she doesn't really want to be there, I'd prefer if I were in your shoes that she didn't come at all than be dragged along and sit there with a look on her face all afternoon where I could see her being grumpy. It's not as though your daughter will care that her aunt isn't there, she'll be having a lovely time with everyone else - and it's her party. It's not about you.

Chil1234 · 22/07/2010 10:01

Organise a small, private tea-party for close rellies for the next birthday. Something grown-up like a barbecue with a cake for the birthday girl and wine for the adults. Children's parties full of screaming 3 year-olds, jelly and ice-cream are for children (hence why most parents will drop and run rather than stick around!) ... YABU.

canihavemypocketmoney · 22/07/2010 10:07

Sorry but really small children's parties really aren't much fun for adults...I have 4 children, so I've done a lot of parties. Your dd will be playing with her contemporaries and won't notice if sil is there or not. isn't that the main thing ?

Booboobedoo · 22/07/2010 10:10

I have always enjoyed small childrens parties. Just love watching them have so much fun, and I have a weakness for children's party food.

Friends of mine never get invited to their niece's parties, as the Mum assumes they won't want to attend as they are childless.

This upsets them.

We're all different, eh?

DuelingFanjo · 22/07/2010 10:11

it's entirely up to her. I don't think going to birthday parties should be enforced not even when it's close family. Peopl do have lives outside of their family you know.

Morloth · 22/07/2010 10:18

I am pretty sure I would rather chew my own arm off than go to a 3yo's birthday party at a community hall if I didn't have a kid.

I have plenty of nieces and never went to a single party, however I am very close with them (especially now they are young women) and was the cool aunt for many years with my large disposable income.

Little kids in numbers are fairly horrific if you are not in the zone, hell I am still in the zone and I often want a large drink to get through all that stuff.

YABU, your daughter is the centre of your world which is great, she is peripheral to your SIL's.

ChippingIn · 22/07/2010 12:29

I love kids/kids parties and would always go - but I can see how some people would think it's a hell that they shouldnt' have to endure.

I would hope she would come and see your DD at some point over the weekend to say 'Happy Birthday' - but if she doesn't & isn't interested there isn't much you can do about it - as Rockbird said - you may just have to write her off as a 'Dud' Aunty - well at least for a while until DD is older - she may turn out to be fab then?!

atmywitssend · 22/07/2010 12:36

My SIL hasn't been to any of DS's parties - and she does have children of a similar age. She's always "busy" so children come along with their dad. My view is life is too short to get irritated by other people's rubbish attitude. BTW she has parties just for her childrens' cousins - we're not invited!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 22/07/2010 12:37

I don't invite my sister, I can't think f anything worse for her than to go to achildren's party, sorry YABU.

traceybath · 22/07/2010 12:38

God - I never went to my niece's or nephew's partied before having dc's.

So yabu.

ArcticRoll · 22/07/2010 12:41

YABU

TrillianAstra · 22/07/2010 12:44

I just don't see why you think she would or should want to.

Even if she was interested in being an important part of your DD's life (which it doesn't sound as if she is), this is an event where she would spend probably less than 1% of it actually interacting iwth her.

Baconsarnie · 22/07/2010 12:49

I think YABU. I always hated childrens' parties before I had children (not that mad on them now!). I felt like a spare part. Perhaps you could ask her to give you a hand with the party games or something, so she actually feels needed, rather than sitting round not really knowing what to do. Of course, it's completely reasonable of her to refuse this!

Rockbird · 22/07/2010 12:53

The issue for me, which no one has mentioned, is the lack of interest when the baby was born. Surely most people can fake an interest in a new niece even if they actually aren't that bothered? That makes me think she's not much of a loss anyway. Time will tell if she is.

Vallhala · 22/07/2010 13:15

YABU. I can still think of little worse than being surrounded by other people's children, yet I have DC of my own. I wouldn't be at all likely to attend a child's party even now and certainly would never have even contemplated it when I was young and child-free.

Your SIl is an independent young woman and not the possession of the family. She is free to do as she wishes. That you think she "should" come to the party is probably all the more reason for avoiding it.

JustAnother · 22/07/2010 13:31

YABU, I have a DS, I've been to many children's parties, and I avoid them as often as I can. Of course I pretend to enjoy his parties, but the truth is that I don't, and I'd much rather be having coffee in town instead. Before I had children, I wouldn't have attended one if you put a gun to my head. Why would a childless person want to go to a noisy place full of little ones just to stand around looking at them? it's BORING!

2blessed2bstressed · 22/07/2010 13:50

one of my sisters always comes to my kids parties and special things like school plays - the other one never does - they're both childless btw, and quite happy about it. It's never bothered me, or the kids, they love both their aunties and just accept that auntie a loves parties, and auntie b doesn't. My sil who has 2 kids with my bil never appears at anything either, the kids come with bil, but frankly that suits me fine as she is miserable so-and-so anyway!

DetectivePotato · 22/07/2010 16:06

Ok I'll be different and say YANBU.

My SIL is exactly the same. She was invited to DS's party and never even bothered to let us know that she wasn't coming. She sent MIL a text saying she was busy. She wouldn't post DS's card as it had a voucher in it and asked us if we would go to her flat and pick it up, 15 minutes drive, wouldn't have been a hassle for her to come and deliver it. I wouldn't do it on principle that she ws being a lazy ass. She finally gave the card to MIL 3 months after DS's birthday, even though MIL lives further from her than we do.

She took 2 weeks to bother to visit when DS was born, stayed for an hour and spent the whole time moaning about her landlord when we had just been evicted from our lovely 2 bed flat and had to go back to a 1 bed that had no heating, us with a new baby that was born in winter with what tunred out to be the landlord from hell.

All in all, she is a shit aunt. My brother, who was 18 still managed to come to a toddlers party and my other brother who is at uni miles away was going to fly down for it but I told him not to.

GeekOfTheWeek · 22/07/2010 16:17

YABU

I hate kids parties. I hated them even more pre dc.

5Foot5 · 22/07/2010 17:02

YABVVU. I found childrens parties a bit of a trial even when I had my own DD to take. The younger the kids the worse it is!

There may be some people with no children who enjoy going to them but I would have thought they were the exception.