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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think I deserve to spend more time with my children?

33 replies

zoelikesjam · 21/07/2010 19:15

Fairly new here so go easy on me. I won't go into mega detail as i'm tired right now! However outlined...

Custody battle in place. Ex relationship with dad was DV which is why i left.
He has never physically hurt the children(not going into their mental state right now as courts dont seem to GAF)
The children have witnessed two incidents, once when the eldest was 13 months, and the other last year at the ages of 2 and 3 years.

Without goung into to much dribble, the CAFCASS officer has recomended Three weekends out of four, plus one evening a week....This would mean i would spend 12 weekends a year with my children.
They go to full time school so week time is rediculously limited.

Personally, I think this is terribly unfair as i'm the one who has brought the children up, gave birth to them, carried them and looked after their every need since birth. And now my quality time with them is in danger?

I am contesting this and not looking forward to the trial, but just curious what people think is fair? x

OP posts:

LimaCharlie · 21/07/2010 19:17

Zoe I get what you're saying about gave birth etc but he is their Dad and therefore your equal in the eyes of the law as their parent.

colditz · 21/07/2010 19:19

I agree that this is unfair. Week time is not quality time as so much of it is taken up with the minutae of cooking, bathing and getting ready for bed/school. I'd push for alternate weekends, and instead offer him 1 midweek sleepover a fortnight.

Original poster

zoelikesjam · 21/07/2010 19:20

Thanks for your reply and I compleatly understand that, But In all fairness though Lima He has NEVER bothered with the children, beaten me in front of them, messed with their heads, doesnt look after them health wise and he still gets to spend more time with them? Maybe i worded it wrong but personally i think thats very wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

zoelikesjam · 21/07/2010 19:21

Thats what we are going for Colditz, cant offer week sleep over as he lives about 40 mins away and wouldnt get them to sch, he doesnt see daylight before 11am

OP posts:

mummyofexcitedprincesses · 21/07/2010 19:21

It does seem unfair- you are their mother not the nanny so should have equal weekends. Otherwise you do all of the work and he gets all of the fun, quality time.

Good luck.

BettyisNOTBlu · 21/07/2010 19:22

3/4 weekends does not seem fair no.

Acanthus · 21/07/2010 19:24

Be clear as you challenge the report that you aren't looking unsupportive of the children's contact with their dad - if the CFR is recommendng that much time with their father then s/he must see you as pretty equal in terms of parenting ability. Don't push him/her into recommending that the children live with their dad.

carriedababi · 21/07/2010 19:24

when you left, did you leave the children there?
is this why he has them most of the time?

sorry fro your situation, i'd be gutted too.

hope your appeal works

GypsyMoth · 21/07/2010 19:25

i have never heard of 3 out of 4 weekends being offered before...have cafcass done a section 7 on your family and ex??

carriedababi · 21/07/2010 19:27

sorry just re read.
get it now

mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 21/07/2010 19:27

Alternate weekends would seem fairer.
Remeber though, you also get thirteen weeks holiday with them a year so lots of 'quality time' then. Perhaps the CFR are taking this into account?

carriedababi · 21/07/2010 19:30

just out of interest what does CFR stand for?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/07/2010 19:43

Could you swap contact orders? if hes getting such a better deal i mean?

Original poster

zoelikesjam · 21/07/2010 19:56

Bit more info, lets see if this helps!

Caf have suggested 3/4 weekends. Every wednesday evening and split holidys...so half summer, half half terms etc.

When I left the children came with me. Youngest was only 6weeks old. At first I allowed him to see DD every weeked from sat to sunday. after 5months i let him have DS for one day a week, the onto overnights. I was still breastfeeding so had to express.

When son was 7months old EX had children the weekend, and never brought them back. It took me 4months to bring it to court, and he said I was 'crazy' and an unfit mother. I was awarded weekend visits untill proven i was fit.

However, after a month of this i changed solicitors and mannaged to take him to court within days as

A. the kids we're rife with head lice

B. the food they were being given left a lot to be desired, ie. choco spread sandwhichs for lunch and tea, no breakki, and junk

C. Health visitor had made five visits and the house was such a state, the kids still in 'jamas at midday she called social sevices as he wouldnt let them in.

D. Son has excema and he had negleted to cream and wet bandage so it had gotten inflamed, them infected, the septic.

With two days at court i was given the children back, with him having thurs night to sun afternoon.
With help from SS(for him)

In the order it states that in sept 2009 this was to change as the children start full time sch/nursery and it would be unfair to mum.

Does that help

OP posts:

SweetGrapes · 21/07/2010 20:07

Is it because the courts where only involved when he had them all the time so he is presented as the permanent carer? (However unfit)
Would this make a difference?

Original poster

zoelikesjam · 21/07/2010 20:27

No no no, again sorry. This is so muddled and unclear.

This arrangement went on and we had shared residence.

Than last year on collecting the children he beat the chit out of me in front of them.

Despite yet another report to the police(he seems to be touched by an angel) he got a caution. wanker.

Anywho, I stopped ALL contact( efectively breaking the law by breaking the court order) as the children were getting nightmares(they witnessed the assult) and i didnt think they should be in his care.

He did nothing....

I took him back to court after 6months as i thought he should be seeing the children, and with councilling they seemed better equiped to visit him.
It was me taking him back, not him...which he should have as i broke the court order.

Anywhos, this is why we;ve had the new caf report.

Originally the CAF officer said he should have them every other weekend....then spoke to knobhead and changed his mind!

When we go to court my Solicitors will have the CAF officer on the stand...
The caf officer told me he did the 3/4 because originally he had them every weekend...but my sol's think its because knobhead kicked off...(KH is going for EVERY weekend)

They';ve said this wont happen due to the fact now the kids are at school, but this still doesnt seem right.

The courts are so nonchalant about the abuse, about what my kids are going through...It feels like im the one being punished for shagging and prcreating with an abusive pig...

Sorry for the language but im so upset by all this

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 21/07/2010 20:37

'The caf officer told me he did the 3/4 because originally he had them every weekend...'

this might be the reason.....keeping it the way its been working?

to be honest,i'd be surprised if he kept it up. does he not want to go out at weekends on the pull/drinking/clubbing?? little kids are going to put a stop to that unless he truly does want them

pithyslicker · 21/07/2010 20:48

I don't really get why you took him back to court?

Original poster

zoelikesjam · 21/07/2010 20:57

I originally thought that ILT, that because he had them every weekend he should still have them now....however the children are now at school and i dont get to see them in the week. if he gets them the weekends i feel like a glorfied childminder when he gets all the fun, i get to take them to sch, make their tea, bath them, bed...Im not complaining, please dont get me wrong, Every second spent with my children is precious!

Pithy, Because after the councilling the children, mainly the eldest wanted to spend time with her dad. On the advice of my solicitor(shit though it may be?!) she needs to spend time with her dad, no matter how much of a wanker he is/was toward me.

OP posts:

hairytriangle · 21/07/2010 20:58

How come he's got residency if he's dine all that and us so damaging?

I'd be challenging the cafcas suggestion and countering for three weekend out of four and a night a week

whatname · 21/07/2010 21:01

I don't really understand anything to do with custody and the courts, but surely this will all come out in court. It seems very unfair. If you have police reports re the assault., I doubt he would get that much custody. Very sorry you have to go through this.

hairytriangle · 21/07/2010 21:01

Oh I get it! They are with you! In which case u think three out of four and a night a week is fair but only if he's no threat to them.

Original poster

zoelikesjam · 21/07/2010 21:13

No Hairy! I think three weekends out of four is VU! They both go to sch full time, i get mins with them on the eve/morn before/after school. Then one weekend a month?!!!
We got joint residence.

Whatname, Dont go there hun!

police reports=diddly squat
hospital reports, one describing him pushing me down the stairs and causing miscarriage=squat
Everything they've been told=fuck all

It seems to mean NOTHING...he's changed...hes had anger management etc....

GRRRR

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 21/07/2010 22:20

violent ,abusive men DO get contact with their children still.....even when they have half killed the mother in front of them or are behind bars.......it because its the CHILDS right to have a relationship with both parents.....courts promote it,its the way it is,even tho alot of men still use it a s a way to coarry on control/abuse of their ex!

Original poster

zoelikesjam · 22/07/2010 14:11

Thanks ILT...

I don't want what happened to me to be a reason for him not to see the children. Yes he was abusive, mentally and very physically however he's never hurt the children in a physical way. He twist's their minds a little but there is nothing i can do about that apart from nurture and get therpy for them to help them.
My children love their father and They NEED to see him, despite what he's done. He will always be their dad.
He does do this to try and control me though. When ever the children go and visit him he palms them off on his sister/mother but again there is nothing i can do about that, except to hope as they get older(they are 6 and 4 at the moment) they will realise they aren't really spending time with him, and hopfully they will try and make him realise that.
I think he enjoys doing this to me, knowing how much it stresses me out.

We've got an injunction against him right now, so thankfully he can't come within so many feet of me, but the courts dont seem to take this into account.

Ho hum, we shall find out the outcome in september.

I just think its grossly unfair if they do award him 3/4.
Personally i'd rather not be an unpaid(he pays no maintanace) childminder,

I want to be able to spend time with my children and enjoy it!

Thanks for all your replies x

OP posts:

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