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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is sis being unreasonable?

32 replies

twinklingfairy · 21/07/2010 00:34

Sis has made me feel awful again.

I asked her and fiance to babysit 3 nights this year. Sent them an email months in advance, cos he complained last year that I had given no notice on the one occasion I asked. So thought I had better give more notice this time.
Putting all three dates in one email (one in May, June and July) he said, 'huh, asking a bit much isn't she?'
sis talked him down and made him realise he was being a tw@t.
First time, we had to go out after 9, cos it was friday and she would not give up her scouts for no man, even with months of notice. Second time, she forgot and said that 'she knew nothing about it' So I felt awful, like I had dropped it on them and he would gurn again.
This time I reminded her a week ago, but she didn't respond, so I text again last night and she said 'yes. you have mentioned it a few times' then 'Yes. we remember and will be there.'
Now I feel I am badgering her.

God I hate asking her to do anything like this for me. I feel so indebted to her, and him (she cannot possibly be without him for a night, no he her)
Not to mention that she wanted me for a day, to watch her have her hair and makeup done. DH had to work. So they said 'can one of your friends not take them?'
No!
Told him if she wanted me, HE could surely have them. He made such a fuss. Said he would have them, but at my house, but he had to be out by 1. She would not be finished til at least 3. 'Could one of my friends not come collect them' cos he would not drive them anywhere, or walk them to my friends.

In the end I had to ask my friend to take them for the day. It was just too much hassle and upset.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that they both make me feel so awkward about asking for help. To the point I don't want to.
And yet, she will say 'I never see the kids' 'We will help you out anytime we can'

What and then make it as difficult for me as they can so that I feel awful in putting them both out?? And do not want to go ut anymore.
Then they will say, your marriage is struggling cos you don't go out as a couple often enough (ok, they said that last year, when we were floundering).

OP posts:

SugarMousePink · 21/07/2010 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

twinklingfairy · 21/07/2010 00:45

Oh no, this pair are holier than thow. they have it all sorted you know.
And they are not actually marrie dyet, nor do they have any children, but they do have a fantastic amount of money saved up in the bank and a family car, for the children they don't have.
And her response would be that she did babysit, so why am I complaining?

OP posts:

mumof2children · 21/07/2010 00:48

does your sister have the chance to have just 1 of the children on there own.

perhaps she is starting to feel like a free babysitter rather than the children auntie

Original poster

twinklingfairy · 21/07/2010 00:58

3 nights out of an entire year?
Do you think she could feel I am abusing her kindness?
Oh God, there is something else to worry about.

They would happily take DS (22 months) He (the fiance) made a massive connection with DS. Not so interested in DD(nearly 4).
But DS is much more sooky to me, so that is not really an option.
Though, I am told 'he is too sooky to his mummy. You ought to put him to to others more often to get him out of that'
Sis over mothers DD when she is around her, reprimanding and judging her behaviour.
for the record, my DD is wonderfully well behaved, on the whole. It is stupid little things that Sis will pick up on. It grates on my nerves somewhat.

OP posts:

mumof2children · 21/07/2010 01:08

to me 3 night this year so far is not unreasonable, but there again i'm home every evening so 1 more child what harm could it do.

i would be looking for alternative babysitter, and then when she does ask say i feel i put on you too much ( which you don't)

maktaitai · 21/07/2010 01:14

oh blimey, i think stop asking them to sit if you can think of any other option. it sounds like it's all taking far too much headspace for the sake of 3 nights out.

mummytime · 21/07/2010 06:47

Why does she need you to watch her have her hair and make up done? This just sounded freaky to me, sorry maybe its because I'm an only child, but it certainly doesn't sound like something I'd get someone to look after my kids for.

compo · 21/07/2010 07:11

Well three nights out since January is way more than I've had

can you afford a babysitter ?

Has your dh got family you could ask?

I think you just have to accept that they don't want to babysit for you
better to not ask again as whenthey have kids and are asking you every week to babysit theirs then you'll have an excellent reason to say no

hairytriangle · 21/07/2010 08:26

You post as if somehow you have the right to gave your sis babysit. If it's such a problem, find a regular babysitter and pay for it!

hairytriangle · 21/07/2010 08:29

Have

thesecondcoming · 21/07/2010 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

twinklingfairy · 21/07/2010 12:26

I have asked her to babysit 3 times in a year. I gave her fair notice and only asked her because she offered.
Fair enough, about the scouts thing. It is just that she makes such a fuss (and does nothing but complain about how little appreciation she gets for doing them).

I would not have thought that I was treating her as my free babysitter.

I asked her twice, once last week. Got no response, so checked again. She had forgotten last time and I felt awful, I didn't want to go there again.
She responded Yes. You have mentioned it a few times. To which I said that I had only said twice, the first she did not respond to. That was when she wrote. Yes. We remember and will be there.
Dismissive?
I wouldn't have thought I was pestering
Just confirming.

I won't be asking them again. In fact would not have asked them this time, as she had made me feel so bad last time, but it had been arranged months in advance. She woudl have been all put out if I asked someone else.
I just can't win here.

The hair and make up thing, was her trals for her wedding. I didn't mind going along, I guess, but it was the dismissive way they both just wanted to shunt my children onto my friends and assumed that this wudl be ok. Afteral, y friends would essentially be doing them the favour. I could easily do without a day in siss company.

OP posts:

GeekOfTheWeek · 21/07/2010 13:21

I suspect your sis feels it is a very one sided relationship.

You expect her to babysit 3 times then show unwilling when she wants you for 1 day.

YABU.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/07/2010 13:28

YABU.

She doesn't have to babysit. Your post makes it sound like you have a god given right to expect babysitting duties.

Find a friend with some kids and do round robin babysitting.

thesecondcoming · 21/07/2010 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chil1234 · 21/07/2010 13:32

Invite your sister and her husband round for Sunday lunch or go and vist them in their own home if you want them to see your children. Babysitting isn't everyone's idea of fun - especially if you can't return the favour.

ilovemountains · 21/07/2010 13:33

3 nights this year, but actually it was 3 nights in 3 months. perhaps your sister is worried she is going to be asked every month from now on?

skidoodly · 21/07/2010 13:38

Jesus, if I offered to help someone out with their kids occasionally I would be a bit taken aback to get an e-mail setting out three dates over several months.

Really, sort out your own babysitting. Your sister probably wants to play with your children, not mind them so you can go out.

GeekOfTheWeek · 21/07/2010 13:42

Your last post makes you sound like a selfish cow.

'Friend doing them a favour by having your kids so you can help with wedding stuff. Could easily do without a day in sis company.'

Not surprised she is reluctant to sit for you.

Sisters help each other. You are all me me me me.

skidoodly · 21/07/2010 13:44

"Afteral, y friends would essentially be doing them the favour. I could easily do without a day in siss company."

Holy shit, it was her make-up for her wedding and you wouldn't attend unless her fiance minded your children?

But you want them to babysit 3 times in 3 months for you?

She is NBU, but you definitely are.

Limara · 21/07/2010 13:52

twinklingfairy, I understand. You lot need to read Twinklings op. She set out the 3 dates in an email for them because they said they needed notice! In anycase, why shouldn't her sister have her kids? It's her sister and she did say she wanted to have them. Sounds to me that when you assert yourself(as you do when your a parent) by making sure everything is in place, they feel a bit pressed/pressurised and huffy IYKWIM.

Like others have said, don't ask her again. Finito! You and your friends need to help each other in future.

I don't think 3 times this year is alot to ask for but then on mumsnet you get the martyrs who NEVER go out.

queenofthecapitalwasteland · 21/07/2010 13:53

Nothing about what you've said seems unreasonable to me.
Your sis offered to baby sit- you asked her to babysit.
Your sis and her OH complained you didn't give them enough notice- you emailed them in advance.
Your sis forgot one date, so you tried to remind her. She doesn't respond and then gets uppity cause you want to make sure she's got the message.
Sounds fairly reasonable to me, 3 nights in 3 months doesn't seem to be exercising a 'god-given right to expect babysitting duties'
If she can't do it or feels 3 nights is too much, why doesn't she say? If she has prior engagements, surely she can point this out?
But I would look into getting someone else to babysit as she seems very unreliable.

Or maybe, since everyone seems to think you're unreasonable, i'm just out of my tree.

Limara · 21/07/2010 13:54

Oh, YANBU but forget asking them again.

Limara · 21/07/2010 13:56

here here Queen!

thumbwitch · 21/07/2010 14:00

YANBU - but some people are just like this - they will offer all manner of help but when it comes to the crunch they can't manage it for some reason.

They like to look good but have difficulty actually coming up with the goods.

Don't ask her again - don't take her up on the offer again as it is too loaded and comes with too much baggage. Find other people to help you out.

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