AIBU to be absolutely incandescent with rage . . .

[BicycleBelle]

. . . that none of my family sent my DD a card, let alone a present, for her 9th birthday last Saturday? I am so upset and angry I've hardly slept for seething the last couple of nights. My sister will probably claim she was too busy, but so am I and I never miss her DDs birthdays. I always phone and ask what they are interested in at the moment and send a present in good time. Even if you miss the post, can't you at least phone or email and get something off as soon as you can?

My parents I find even more unforgiveable. They are retired and have all day every day to get themselves down to the post office (we live about 100 miles away). I don't know whether they forgot (who can forget a grand daughters birthday?) or its a deliberate miss. They are pretty crap grandparents, and have only visited once in the last two years, and are generally very critical of DD2 in particular but all 3 kids in general.

Can anyone explain why they might have done this and help me hold back from writing the stinging email I want to send to all of them saying I never want to see or hear from them again. I can't forget my DD's little face waiting for the post and nothing arriving . . .

don't make a big deal in front of DD

No need to be stinging in your email, they could genuinely have forgotten; next year prod them with a reminder in good time

Do something extra lovely with DD this weekend

YANBU to be upset - I think any mum would be upset seeing the disappointment on their little one's face when no cards arrive but as much as you want to don't get into a slanging match with them because that is what it will turn into.

Just remember you cannot rely on anyone else help make her day lovely in the future and you need to make your own plans for her. If other people help/send a card fab, but otherwise you have it covered.

I know how you feel and it is horrible thinking that your own family don't feel your child is worth the effort.

Yanbu, I would be livid! Tbh I think this is one situation where a scathing email would be well deserved but it might be better to tone it down unless you really want to burn your bridges. Your poor dd, it must have been upsetting to see her so disappointed

oh thats really sad. and infuriating! it really depresses me to hear of grandparents (and other family members) who do cherish their grandkids. i hope they jsut forgot, which is pants anyway, but its better than them jsut deciding to ignore her birthday.

has it happened before? i wouldnt want to launch into a never darken my bath towels again email if they genuinely forgot and will feel like shit when they realise.

horrible for your DD though. my uncle forgot my birthday ever year pretty much, highlighted by the fact it was the day after his own bday it did sting.

YANBU - horrible thing to happen to your DD. Give them the benefit of the doubt until you speak to them - and I would be phoning them to see whether any of them are at death's door, as that would be about the only acceptable excuse!

YANBU. I would also ring to find out what happened.

DD's nanny forgot her birthday this year. It was her first birthday. Her nanny's excuse - she didn't know it was DD's birthday. Nice. To be fair, she sent something afterwards.

I would also let them know how upset she was. Then in future years be proactive - I always give my family a heads up about the ds's birthdays although I'm the one in the family who is notorious for forgetting. I've even put in their order for Christmas, phoned all the relies last week and said - I've bought them a Wii, could you all give them money to buy a game or two!!!My mum said - no problem just remind me nearer the time

YANBU. Send the email and put the emphasis on how upset your DD was IMO.

Hope she had a lovely birthday regardless.

YANBU at all. To make you feel better though, My mum once forgot Xmas!

YANBU and Im sorry to say it doesnt get easier. my mother has never remembered any of my childrens birthday's this year she called on my dd1's birthday to talk to my niece (whom lives with me for her A levels) didnt even ask to say happy birthday to dd1 just said to niece to tell her happy birthday..

my father sends a text as a birthday message the kids love it think grandad is SOO cool.. my sister usually remembers but is often late with it but that I can forgive, grandma (MIL) phones on their birthday and a few days before hand to tell the birthday child she has send their present

thank heavens for my MIL

Thats awful. I would phone them up and say "btw, it was DDs bday last weekend, she waited for your card, has it been lost in the post"

Put them on the spot. Disgusting.

I agree with detective.

Ask them why they forgot a 9 year old's birthday.

Poor kid.

My sister forgot my DD's 3rd birthday this year - I harrumphed at my parents and other sister about it during the day and lo and behold she suddenly 'remembered' later on that evening. She'd just forgotten (we each have about 8 nephews and nieces to remember) and although I was p'd off and would try hard to remember, I didn't take it personally. It doesn't help that none of your family remembered. Are they normally good at those kinds of things? My BIL never acknowledges birthdays etc, and barely sent a congrats text when DD2 was born, but that's just the way he is!

Aww poor little thing. I'll send her a card! I would be sending the stinging email - especially if you are serious about never seeing them again! Sod it. And sod em all.

YANBU.

I send cards to everyone in DH's family but his cousins never send birthday cards.

I will admit to having forgotten my dn birthday, but bearing in mind there are 3 other aunts and uncles I thought being a little late wouldn't be too much of a problem (also at the time only one without dc iyswim - no excuse and crap but....) turns out everyone forgot (it had been a stressful year for all) and my dsis went NUTS with all of us. Needless to say we haven't forgotten since and he got the best late birthday presents ever. Still no excuse and it still upsets me that I upset a small person on their birthday especially with my own dc. It is unforgiveable to forget and they should be made to feel guilty - it worked with all of us, none of the family have forgotten his birthday since!.

Also I have to say that there is no excuse these days to "not have time" to do anything - on a couple of occasions this year I have realised that I am close to birthdays and it is going to be tricky to go and find a card, so I set up an account with Moonpig and put £10 in and that has done my siblings kids this year and they are still at an age where it is quite nice to have that. I know its a bit of a copout but I wanted to prove that even if you have a broken leg and can't move if you have the internet there is always a way out!

YANBU - my father never sends cards to my dcs (his only grandchildren), although he seems to manage just fine when it comes to his nieces and nephews.

I no longer stress about it. I send the dcs something from him and then tell him what I have done. I only do it so that my children do not feel overlooked and it is only ever something small, but it makes them happy.

I get the rage though, I really do!!

My DS is the only child on DH's side. My SIL got a card, didn't want to send it in the post as it had a voucher in. Asked us to go and pick it up. We refused on principle that it wouldn't take her 10 minutes to drive down the road to us and deliver it herself.

3 months later she passed it to MIL to give to us, we live closer to her than MIL does. She was also invited to DS party but didn't let us know, then at the party MIL said she had a text from SIL to say they were busy. Her excuse for everything.

Families are shit sometimes.

YANBU to be upset, especially for you poor DD but some people are just crap at these sorts of things. I remember being astonished the year my uncle remembered my birthday, I think I was about 9.

My parents are now retired and routinely forget what the date is, and often forget each others birthdays & their wedding anniversary!

I realised the other weekend at a family function that neither DH or I had told any of his relatives except his parents & siblings that I was pregnant so there were some slightly awkward moments, only to be repeated the following weekend with members of my family at another 'do' .

I don't suppose that it's possible that the Post Office has cocked up? We sometimes get no mail for a couple of days and then a large pile that it's obvious has been sitting around and building up before delivery.

We never send each other cards for birthday in my family. Ever. No presents and parties since we were in primary school. My parents' families don't do any of that either. Some of them don't even know when each other's birthdays are (or know the wrong dates ).

But we are family. And we are close. We just don't do birthdays. Has never bothered any of us.

Maybe it's a cultural thing...

With the kids I just tell them that it's DS1 or DS2's birthday at such and such a date. They email happy birthday (they live overseas), I tell the kids, and the kids are happy. But they expect presents from the local grandparents.

YANBU - but you'd be surprised how easy it is to forget birthdays, even in families. I have 4 brothers and sisters and 10 nieces and nephews - imagine how frequently their birthdays come round. When I see them I love their company and love to treat them, but it would take superhuman organisation on my part to remember to buy a present - fretting about exactly what age they are now, and what's appropriate, and waht I got last time, or what I got at Christmas etc.! - get it wrapped, remember the address (they move a lot, or so it seems), get to the post office in good time, etc. etc., on top of everything else I have to deal with to prevent life from crumbling around my ears.

In my case it most certainly isn't malice, and I know if I got an email from a sister threatening never to speak to me again (or whatver) I'd be absolutely horrified.

YANBU - how awfully for your DD.

I come from a family where my Mum NEVER, and I mean NEVER forgets a birthday, anniversary etc. She is like a sergeant major - prepared for any celebration . However, my sister once rang me, on my birthday, to moan about her life, asked me what I was up to and when I told her, well I'm celebrating my birthday, was gobsmacked that she had forgotten . We laugh about it as she is usually very organised too (coming from the same mother, we have NO choice but to be!!!)

On the other hand, my MIL puts absolutely no importance on birthdays and feels Christmas should be reserved for Jesus - to be fair she is old school Italian Catholic so this is major in her life. HOWEVER, she has never forgotten my DS's birthday and feels that, whatever her feelings on birthdays, Xmas or any other celebrations, my DS, her DGS, deserves to have a fab time on them all.

So, I would be incandescent with rage, like you. I would want to send a majorly stinging shitemail but would proably be talked down by my DH. I would, however, call them to ask when they put the card etc in t he post as you are terribly worried that it has been lost by the Post Office and you would hate for their hard-saved pensions to be wasted like this If they have the cohones to say they didn't send anything, I would blatently ask 'why'? Ask what their reasoning is that a child would be able to understand why their GP's/Aunt etc would have not thought them important enough to send something to.

Sorry for the length of this reply - but this is a bit of a bugbear for me...I have a really hard time accepting that there are people out there who, for their own weird reasons, apply their own {odd} values to children.

I really don't care if I don't get a card/pressie etc, I am an adult, but not children, they should always be remembered.

Do something wonderful with your DD.

YANBU - have one family member who is totally unpredictable with birthday and Xmas presents. Sometimes on time, lovely present, others a late card or nothing at all. Her excuse - can't be bothered. BUT, quite happily accepts them for their DD's. .

My DC's obviously like to get a present, but as the older ones say, would love just to get an email or phonecall wishing them a Happy Birthday.