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AIBU?

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Original poster

to encourage her?

40 replies

deburca · 20/07/2010 18:07

a close friend (know her about 20 years!) has just come out of a long relationship with a guy whom she has a baby with. She has met another guy (his marriage was failing when they met) and they have ended up in a very intense relationship. My friend has had a very difficult time over the years and Im just so happy to see her happy.

My other friends have lambasted her for what they see has her interfering in this guys marriage and one has actually accused her of being a home wrecker. This is blatantly untrue. I actually asked my DH about this and his response was that my friend and her new man had every right to pursue a relationship and that to be honest he hasnt seen her so happy in years. He seems a nice guy, they have alot in common and he is good to her. As an aside his wife is also blaming her even though they had twice tried marriage counselling to no avail. They married young from what I know and grew apart.

I have encouraged my friend to go with her heart which has resulted in harsh words between myself and a few of the others. What do you think?

OP posts:
sowhatis · 20/07/2010 18:12

that its upto your friend and well done for supporting her.

prozacfairy · 20/07/2010 18:14

Rather than argue the toss with your mates over what makes a "homewrecker" why dont you all leave her too it?

Be supportive yes, but you have no idea for sure why this man's marriage has gone to the dogs (assuming it even has, he might be stringing her along for all you know) and it isn't your business anyway to judge the wife.

Original poster
deburca · 20/07/2010 18:17

thanks sowhatis. She has had a truly miserable time the last few years and I feel she deserves to be encouraged. This guy could turn out to be a muppet but at the minute he seems great and he makes her so happy. My friend is having such a difficult time with this mans ex, she has texted, left abusive voicemails (she got my friends number by hacking into his phone while he was upstairs on the playstation with their son). What is so hurtful I think is that the others are so harsh with her. The one who called her a homewrecker then proceeds to tell me that she did it cuz she cares for her and married men who do that with her will do it to her etc etc. My point is that calling your friend a homewrecker does not come across as caring, just nasty, and that perhaps she should look at her own motives for saying this (her ex-fiance, awful man, cheated on her throughout their whole 5 year relationship and actually tried it on with one of our other friends!). I just want to do whats right for my friend.

Deb

OP posts:
Original poster
deburca · 20/07/2010 18:19

prozac I dont feel I am judging the wife, just giving information

OP posts:
OrmRenewed · 20/07/2010 18:19

Why do you feel the need to encourage her? Presumably she will anyway. I'd struggle to encourage someone to contribute to break up of a marriage however crap the marriage was - and isn't that the classic excuse for an affair anyway?

Personally I'd just be there for her in a passive way. Especially if it all goes tits up.

Original poster
deburca · 20/07/2010 18:23

i dont think she did contribute though orm, I think it was gone a long time ago but no one made the move. Who knows though, he may well turn out to be a bad 'un, I just want her to be ok.

OP posts:
prozacfairy · 20/07/2010 18:26

I didn't mean it in a horrible way, just that it could go all tits up as there might be unfinished business. Also feelings are probably still raw for her (and him).

At one point few months ago my DD's dad was having an "emotional relationship" with another woman while we still together. It was pratically over between us but it still hurt alot that he was spending all this time with her instead of trying to fix things (admittedly for 100th time) with me and our DD.

Just be there for your friend. Sounds like she needs aleast one of her mates on her side.

Original poster
deburca · 20/07/2010 18:31

i agree prozac. It would be incredibly hurtful for his wife if they were carrying on while the marriage was still viable however from what little information he has mentioned to me id say it was done and dusted a long time ago (i recognise the signs having been there myself). He talks about my friend to his friends alot, they have mentioned it to me. Im so protective of her, she is so warm and generous and has really had some terrible luck. Sorry If I took you up wrong before prozace

OP posts:
TarheelMama · 20/07/2010 20:35

I agree with Orm. I could never encourage someone to contribute to the break-up of the marriage.

You are only hearing the man's side of the story, his wife may have had no idea that the marriage was 'over', regardless of what he says. My own brother has twice convinced two different women that his marriage was over. They were already in love with him before they found out otherwise. Then he brings them round to meet the rest of the family and there was initial resentment from us because, without knowing his part in the story, we thought the women had chased him, knowing he was married with children.

I'd advise your friend to tread very carefully.

thisisyesterday · 20/07/2010 20:38

i think that the guy should end it with his wife befor ehaving anything to do with your friend

and i think your friend should be very, very careful

he's done it to his wife, he'll have no qualms about doing it again

she needs to leave it until he is free and single

activate · 20/07/2010 20:41

i think you're wrong and that you end a relationship before starting another - if you get involved with someone who is in a "failing marriage" you are partly responsible for its break-up

sounds to me like your "other friends" have a moral cetnre and you and your DH don't

faddle · 20/07/2010 20:58

I once slept with a married man. I justified it to myself thinking if it wasnt me it would have been someone else. It didnt make it right though, and I wish now that I hadnt.
if the blokes marriage is truly on the rocks I would suggest to your friend that she remains in contact with him until its sorted and proceed from there.

Gibbon · 20/07/2010 21:02

Your friend is having an affair with a married man. Most people will not approve nor encourage.

diggingintheribs · 20/07/2010 21:09

I'm confused - is he still in the marriage or have they separated?

If he has not left the marriage you should not be encouraging this. How can she be happy with a man who is stringing 2 women along? He's hardly committed to the relationship if he won't leave the wife.

If he has left the wife I would just support her. You should never get involved with other peoples relationships. if he ends up hurting her you will get it in the neck for having encouraged it.

In my experience relationships that start like this never end well. And second what has been said re the wife - you are hearing one side of the story so you are not in a position to judge the state of their marriage.

AnyFucker · 20/07/2010 21:34

I think you are wrong to "encourage" your friend, who you say is already vulnerable emotionally, to subject herself to the awful rollercoaster that is involved in being the OW in someone else's marriage

I would not cut off a friend for this, and would stick around to support her when it (almost) inevitably goes tits-up, but I would make it quite clear she was making bad choices

OP...how would you feel if some woman was muscling in on your marriage and her friends were encouraging her ?

murderous ?? Yes, I thought so

Although in the middle of all this, of course is a shitty bloke who is walking around like a dog with two dicks !

nasty

prozacfairy · 20/07/2010 21:49

AF you are so right. This bloke must be loving this. Troubled marriage, nearly over but he's got a replacement straight away.

It's great you're so supportive but I'd be more worried about my friend than encouraging.

It just seems a coincidence that this man would hang about in a loveless marriage for a while and then voila! op's mate comes along and he's suddenly all ready to hit the road

Way I see it, if he can cheat once he can do it again. He wont definately cheat again, but you know he probably will....

scaryteacher · 20/07/2010 22:08

A friend of mine has just been left by her husband out of the blue - no inkling at all that it was coming....so I'd be taking what this man says with a very large pinch of salt. The wife may not think it is over at all.

Your friend should stay well clear and he should get out of his marriage - out of the marital home and with all the legal separation papers in place, before your friend has anything to do with him.

I have to say if any of my friends were doing this I would be discouraging them or keeping away.

AnyFucker · 20/07/2010 22:09

OP, just because your friend has had a rubbish time, it doesn't mean she deserves anything

particularly something so likely to make her feel worse in the long run...

Original poster
deburca · 21/07/2010 14:55

Activate Im slightly startled at you making a judgment about myself and my other's half moral centre when you actual dont even know my real name - you sound slightly bitter to be honest, have you been cheated on?

At the end of the day guys its my friend Im looking out for. I have met this guy, I get a good vibe from him, he seems decent. Not every man who leaves his wife is a knob. My ex left me - I got past it and am better off, doesnt mean I judge anyone though.

Deb

OP posts:
2blessed2bstressed · 21/07/2010 15:06

"homewrecker"s a bit harsh I think - even if this man and his wife were still together, it's him who has "wrecked" the home, not the op's friend. I get quite bugged when it's all the other womans fault, as if the poor man is incapable of choices and decisions on his own. I don't think the op feels her friend deserves something special because she's had a hard time, I think she just feels happy for her, and is glad to see her life seeming to turn around for the better - I think most of us would feel like that for our friends, wouldn't we?

Original poster
deburca · 21/07/2010 15:09

yes blessed, that is exactly it. I am not in the habit of hurting people and certainly dont encourage it in others but i find it judgemenal for anyone to say that my friend is a home wrecker etc, if the marriage is done its done, my marriage ended long before my husband had an affair, the difference was that I just didnt accept that it was over, tried to hold on to it etc etc and in the end all I was was miserable. Im aware every situation is different hence why no one can judge anyone elses situation. I want her to be happy, she is a nice person with alot of offer and a great friend

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 21/07/2010 15:15

Unfortunately, people are going to say harsh things, even if the man was 100% divorced when she met him. Maybe your friend is not as vulnerable as you paint her? Or thinks all the back-biting is worth it? Maybe she's enjoying the relationship at face-value and not actually expecting it to go anywhere?

I wouldn't encourage or discourage. Just be a friend.

minipie · 21/07/2010 15:18

Deb, I think there is no harm in you being supportive of your friend.

But there is a difference between saying "I'm glad you're happy, you've been through a rough time"

and saying "Oh don't worry about his marriage, it was failing anyway, so you've done nothing wrong".

The first is fine, the second you are not in a position to say as you don't know the facts.

2blessed2bstressed · 21/07/2010 15:22

But mimipie, I don't think she has said the second - I think their other friends are saying that the marriage failing is all Deb's friends fault - and she's just pointing out that it's not always as clear cut as that.

5DollarShake · 21/07/2010 15:27

There would be nothing wrong with him fully ending his relationship with his wife before embarking on anything with your friend, would there...?

You justify it all by saying what a rotten time your friend has had.

Well, his wife has probably had a rotten time too, and no doubt has her friends feeling for her (and therefore equally entitled to think she is the one that has been hard-done by).

I think you're looking at this from a very blinkered viewpoint, but I also think you're really only listening to the replies that agree with you and dismissing all the others...