to encourage her?

[deburca]

a close friend (know her about 20 years!) has just come out of a long relationship with a guy whom she has a baby with. She has met another guy (his marriage was failing when they met) and they have ended up in a very intense relationship. My friend has had a very difficult time over the years and Im just so happy to see her happy.

My other friends have lambasted her for what they see has her interfering in this guys marriage and one has actually accused her of being a home wrecker. This is blatantly untrue. I actually asked my DH about this and his response was that my friend and her new man had every right to pursue a relationship and that to be honest he hasnt seen her so happy in years. He seems a nice guy, they have alot in common and he is good to her. As an aside his wife is also blaming her even though they had twice tried marriage counselling to no avail. They married young from what I know and grew apart.

I have encouraged my friend to go with her heart which has resulted in harsh words between myself and a few of the others. What do you think?

Agree 2blessed - it's not clear what the OP has said to her friend - I was just pointing out where IMO the dividing line lies.

Of course it's not all Deb's friend's fault if the guy's marriage is failing. It's mainly the guy's fault. But that doesn't mean Deb's friend isn't responsible in some way - she ought to be insisting that he leave his wife if he wants a relationship with her, and if he won't, she should leave well alone. Both for moral and for self protection reasons.

I think - and admittedly, it's not entirely clear - that the guy in question was with his wife when they first met, but that is no longer the case, and he is now in a relationship with Debs friend. It hasn't been clearly stated (and it's not really any of our business), if that relationship started whilst he was still with his wife or has developed since he left her.

my friend only had a friendship with this guy while he was still with his wife, he left her, and only then would my friend enter into anykind of romantic relationship with him. Morals are selective I feel, its up to the individual. I personally try not to judge anyone, im not perfect myself, I have made my mistakes etc.

I dont agree that I only want to hear someone reiterate my opinion - if so why post on mumsnet?

my post was regarding the best thing to do for a friend, no one, least of all me, can say what went on in that marriage, its not my business, nor anyone elses for that matter. My main issue was with the other friends in our group who gave alot of opinions but very little constructive help.

Deb

That's the way it seemed to be from your OP Deb, but others may have needed clarification - I'm chuffed that your friend's got you - and I never get why other people are so judgey about relationships like this - maybe there's stuff going on in their lives that they don't want to examine too closely, and it makes them feel more secure if they can criticise other people. Now before you all go mad on me I mean Deb and her pal's RL friends, not the other posters on this thread!

I have no idea why people judge either, especially in our group of mates, we have all been friends for years. I personally take my friendships very seriously, i love them all dearly and would go to teh ends of the earth for them, but like family, sometimes they drive you mad. As I previously posted the "home wrecker" friend had a guy cheap on her consistently and she was so cut up about it all. I think she considers my other friend is behaving with this guy the were her boyfriend did with other girls which is so untrue. To be honest if they were having an affair sobeit. its not the case though.

he is to all extents and purposes a married man

so thats why people dont approve

and you know fuck all about what went on between him and wife, really, you dont

so YABU to "encourage this"

be a friend, support her. But cant you see that he is STILL MARRIED, and likely more married than you think too

if I had two lots of relate and then DP went off with another woman I'd be pretty enraged too!

porca he is separated from his wife, are you saying that until he is divorced which lets face it can take years in some circumstances, that he shouldnt date? i dont agree he is a married man, he doesnt live at home anymore, its out in the open that he is separated from his wife, whatever the reason. You rightly point out I know fuck all about what went on with his wife- but neither do you or anyone else but them. I think alot of the posters here see the words married man and automatically assume that he must be a tosser if he separates. Relationships end every day, it does not mean that the either one of the people involved is a bad person its just over.

i just dont agree

deb

I agree with Deb, that I don't agree iyswim

I think she should tread with caution thats all, lets hope it all goes OK.....and it may well!

but the fact that the ex is angry with yoiur friend shows that they were not all cleanly separated. If it was an amicable split she would not be hassling your mate......
anyway you posted on AIBU so surely you can accept that not eveyone will agree with you?

Just be there for her. Neither judge nor encourage -- just let her know you love her and will be there for her no matter what happens.

porca I absolutely agree that everyone has differing opinions, i know that im not always right (would never admit it to DH though and mumsnet is great for that, ie getting a difference perspective/viewpoint. The ex has apparently been sending messages to my friend saying that she is welcome to him etc etc but that they are not to expect to be left in peace, that she has not been miserable with him all these years to let him now be happy with someone else. Fairly stomach turning stuff to be honest, that sort of carryon would really alarm me.

deb

the ex has ishoos, clearly :-(

i think she does, and i have sympathy for her. Its not easy to just let a marriage go - even a very bad one. I think she is a bit overwhelmed at the minute and i have told my friend not to get into any sort of argument. The one conversation they did have (she called on an unknown number and my friend thought it was her creche) she started screaming that my friend was dating her husband etc, my friend replied that she must have a wrong number, the guy she was dating, ie John Doe, was separated but if there was some confusion about it then perhaps the lady would be better contacting her husband herself to ask. I thought it was pretty well handled. She has asked the creche to call her on an alternative number now so she isnt caught out again. The situation is a mess no doubt about it and I dont envy anyone involved in it

Deb

I think the blurred boundaries come with the 'friendship' while they were still married, he ended it and then they started dating if you see what I mean. I think if I were in the ex's boat I would be a little sus/upset at that, and if it were my friend getting involved I think I would have an eyebrow raised to be honest. I would still be her friend, but encouraging it might be putting it a bit strongly.

I know what you mean Mrs C, but to be honest he seems like a nice guy and has been very honest with my friend and by all accounts his ex from the start. I suppose it is their business at the end of the day and who knows what goes on behind closed doors etc etc. My other friends have backed down a little and one in fact has apologised to said friend so it seems to be simmering down a bit. The friendship angle is what actually it all started off with, the feelings for each other developed through the friendship if you get my drift. I suppose relationships start in all different kinds of ways and these 2 certainly have alot in common.

Deb