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Just found a thread on another website slagging me off

38 replies

Fleeingfromanotherforum · 19/07/2010 23:55

Namechanger.

Long story cut short- I was terribly bullied (to the point where I was mentally ill and too upset to leave the house, eventually ended up moving across the country for other reasons but the bullying was a factor) on a local forum made up of all our friends and aquaintances in the twon where we used to live.

The forum people were friends with DPs ex, and so when we got together (after they had split up, btw) I got the traditional "blame the new girlfriend" thing, and basically got every aspect of my life, including my children, insulted by people who I had previously counted as friends. For some reason I stayed on there and it died down a bit once they could see we were serious, but with odd flares when I was so disgusting as to mention we were having another baby or whatever.

Anyway, DP is quite offensive on there, but it is one of those forums where there is a lot of offensive jokes and so on, as well as long running jokes (eg one moderator is into guns and military stuff so it is the joke that he is a nazi, another tends to sleep with much younger women, so jokes are made about that- most regulars have know each other for 15 or so years so they know that is the way the thing operates). I never thought much of all that and stayed well out of it but as soon as me and DP got together I became fair game somehow.

Anyway, about a year or so ago, I was chatting to a friend on there about the difference between birth here and in the USA and got attacked for being disgusting (I really wasn't- it wouldn't have even merited a TMI on here, and anyway this forum is full of much more disgusting, yet male orinted stuff) and DP jumoed to my defense, using one of the running jokes that one of the people who had attacked me (and in fact was one of the main bullies previously) is quite a bit older than the rest of the forum.

This led to a complete life ban for DP (this being a forum where linking to porn, talking about illegal drugs, personal threats etc get a user maybe two weeks ban) and lots of people turning on me, with really very personal insults about my children, mental health and so on. (this was also a couple of weeks after DPs brother died)

So, DP was out of order, but it was normal for that forum and no action was taken about the attacks on me, which were far worse and more sustained. I left the forum as well, and hadn't given it a thought for months.

Until tonight, when DP made a throwaway comment that he has been unbanned and posted the other night when drunk.

Sigh. He has gone on and told them all exactly what he thinks of them. Which isn't very good. They have then replied talking about his "bastard children" and about really personal details of our sex life that we had told our friends, things that I did when I was mentally ill and so on. As usual, the things they are saying about DP are general (jokes about where in the country he comes from, that he drinks too much, references to fairly public and minor things that he has done) and the things they are saying about me and the kids are much more personal.

Why oh why did I even go on there? I know DP is out of order for going back there, but I can see how tempting it was. If they had just argued back at him, that would be fine-he dealt it out, he can take it. Why is it somehow ok to attack me though? I have NEVER gone on there and called anyone anything, I am just trying to get on with my life. Apparently going out with someone who is a minor local celebrity is enough to make my mental health, sexual preferences and children fair game in the town where my family live.

My heart is beating ten to the dozen, but there is nothing I can do without provoking them, so I have come on here to vent.

RAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR

Bloody internet. if they were slagging me off in private, I wouldn't even know.

my mental health issues had a paranoid element, thsi really does not help.

OP posts:
librium · 19/07/2010 23:58

stay away from such ridiculous websites

Fleeingfromanotherforum · 20/07/2010 00:00

I was trying. Around 90% of our friends from our old town go on there though, it is where me and DP met. Before facebook, it was the main way people kept in touch.

OP posts:
Prolesworth · 20/07/2010 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Fleeingfromanotherforum · 20/07/2010 00:02

I need to calm down. Seriously panicing now. Even my chief bridesmaid joined in- only attcking DP, but still. How can I have her as bridesmaid knowing that is how she feels about DP?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 20/07/2010 00:02

how old are you all?? sounds completely pathetic...why give it headroom....keep away from it

Fleeingfromanotherforum · 20/07/2010 00:05

This is the oddest bit- the people involved are mostly in their 30s and 40s. They were early adopters of the internet, and i think they have a different view of how it works than those of us who have grown up with it or only come to it when it was mainstream.

OP posts:
Fleeingfromanotherforum · 20/07/2010 00:06

I'm 10 or 20 years younger than most people involved. I suppose that is why they feel they can attack me.

OP posts:
kitbit · 20/07/2010 00:09

Clean break. And sack the bridesmaid. Do what you need to do to get away from these people.

Speaking from experience don't put up with it, remove yourself. And tell DP to stop fannying about as well as he's not helping.

x

fortyplus · 20/07/2010 00:12

Grown ups don't behave like that - these people are incredibly juvenile and probably not terribly bright. Your dp is foolish to have returned to the site and has shown a lack of maturity by inflaming the situation again.

To be honest none of the participants sound terribly attractive - including your dp, unfortunately.

Tell him to grow up and stay away from forums like this.

Fleeingfromanotherforum · 20/07/2010 00:17

A lot have them have very good degrees, they are very wordy and quite intimidating.

I feel sick. the people had been saying these things on the forum and then posting on my facebook wishing us luck with the wedding and so on.

I think I may need to go back and read it properly and work out who is who and who is saying what. They use usernames on there so it isn't always obvious.

OP posts:
ynh · 20/07/2010 00:21

I agree - clean break. Leave it all behind.

Sometimes places like that that have been going for years can just get a bit toxic. It's just not worth trying to disentangle everything and find out who's guilty and who's innocent tbh.

If you leave it behind, and your dp does, and you get rid of those people on fb - the ones who are nice will try to keep in touch in the longterm, so you don't have to lose them. But that small pond is poisoned and toxic and however big a fish your dp was in there years ago, he's best off swimming in clean waters somewhere else now.

jasmeeen · 20/07/2010 00:25

Definitely clean break time. And tell your DP to stay away too. He's only adding fuel to the fire.

Altinkum · 20/07/2010 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/07/2010 00:32

Just don't look at forums like this. There's nothing on there that you need to see, by the sound of it. And TBH it sounds to me less like active malice towards you than these people forgetting that not everyone understands the rules of their little group and can cope with a forum this rough - ie if they slag each other off this vigourously, they are not necessarily singling you out because they hate you.
I have had groups of mates like this and been on forums like this - for those of us who enjoy them they are a good way of letting off steam and no real harm is meant.

rupert22 · 20/07/2010 00:47

Some friends, you are well rid! Leave them, ignore them, they hate that.

nickschick · 20/07/2010 00:55

ffs just live in the real world (with a bit of mn).

dittany · 20/07/2010 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babywrangler · 20/07/2010 01:50

Agree with everyone else too but just to say that it must be incredibly upsetting and frustrating to be the subject of personal attacks when you have no right of reply.

You are absolutely right to ignore these unpleasant playground bullies but it's much easier to say than do isn't it!

Hang on in there and definitely try and explain how upsetting this is to your DH. He should be shielding you from this kind of abuse, not exposing you to more.

BaggedandTagged · 20/07/2010 02:38

Any forum where most people know each other in RL seems to end in disaster and personal attacks.

Make a pact with DP to stay off this forum and make some new friends where you live.

All sounds completely toxic, and, tbh, pretty weird.

ItsGraceActually · 20/07/2010 03:00

It's exactly the same as if this had all happened in the local pub. There's nothing for it but to accept you've grown away from the old crowd - you'll have to find yourselves a new social life.

Very for you but don't start thinking it's anything to do with you in particular. They'll do it to someone else in a year or two, by which time you'll just have a whole different life.

Sack the bridesmaid.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 20/07/2010 07:22

agree with the clean break.

block them all from your facebook. Move on.

You don't live round there any more? Excellent. No need to have them in your life.

You are taking yourself into the situation when there is no need to do that.

dawntigga · 20/07/2010 07:29

How sad and tiny their lives must be.

IThinkTheyAreProbablyProjecting Their AwfulnessAtYouAsAWayToCopeTiggaxx

ReasonableDoubt · 20/07/2010 07:33

It sounds like a very strange forum. Log off.

BouncingTurtle · 20/07/2010 07:35

I also post on a local forum set up by my friend - I have a group of friends who all when to the same uni together and have stayed in touch over the years (some of them still live in the place we went to uni, and DH and I are trying to move back). We are all early adopters of the internet too.
We would NOT tolerate such disgusting behaviour on our forum. There has been the odd disagreement but certainly nothing that stooped to the level of personal insults.

These people sound absolutely poisonous. Why would you want such nasty people who insult your children to be any part of your life? Deregister yourself from the forum, and personally I would tell your DP to do the same - he is proving himself to be no better than they are. And sack your chief bridesmaid, what an utter bitch!

For the sake of your mental health you NEED to cut all ties to these vile losers. And your DP should be supporting you to do this.

Pheebe · 20/07/2010 08:16

And the moral of this story is...do not let people in on such intimate details of your life. Keep a healthy distance and trust no one except your DH.

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