to ask dp to lay down some ground rules for DSS before he stays at our home for a week?

[lifeas3plus1]

He is 9yrs old and is due to stay at our house for a week starting this weekend. (First time in our home) He has had a lot of changes in his life recently so I understand that it is going to take a little time for him to feel comfortable.

However, he was under the impression that my Ds and I where actually going to move out for a week so his dad and him would be alone. When he was told this is not the case and that we will be here DSS then came up with plan 2.

Plan 2 is:

Dp is to take him out every single day to a theme park or similar on his own whilst Ds amd me stay home/do our own thing. I will be sat in the bedroom all evening so he can play on the PS3/Xbox watch movies in the lounge with his dad alone and that when they are ready for bed, I will sleep on the sofa (I'm 31weeks pregnant) so Dss and Dp can share my bed.

DSS also huffs and puffs and sighs every time he is made to wait for Ds and I to finish eating/changing nappy etc and clamps his hands over his ears and sings loudly everytime my Ds "talks" (15months)

Dp hasn't actually told him that this will not happen so DSS is under the impression that the whole week will be on his terms, his rules. He also hasn't been told not to be so rude around his half brother and me.

Because of this and for fear of upsetting DSS our Ds gets completely sidelined the whole time we visit DSS which I find upsetting.

Like I said, he's had a lot to adjust to recently so don't blame him for feeling out of sorts but surely Dp shouldn't be encouraging these idea's of his and should be explaining exactly what will happen when he is here.

Would IBU to tell Dp that he needs to have a chat with Dss and lay down some ground rules whilst he is staying in our home (Which we hope one day, Dss will feel comfortable calling home too) or is it not my place as he isn't my chid?

Reading that back, I sound like a right bitch.

I'm sooo happy for Dp that after a long hard battle he finally has decent access to his first son and I am here with open arms to welcome him into the family, I just feel that this coming week is going to be HARD if DSS thinks he can come in and rule the roost so to speak and that DP is not helping by allowing him to think these things.

Yanbu

You don't sound like a right bitch at all. Your Dh will be a sod if he doesn't support you, correct DSS's odd ideas and tell him that you are to be respected though.

What's the relationship with Mum like? Is there a chance that it's SHE who is the bitch and has put these ideas into DSS's head?

'Out of sorts' hardly covers what a 9 year old feels after their parents split up.

Why do you think DSS is acting this way? Have you any idea of the confusion and hurt he is most likely feeling and that he could be terrified he's 'losing' his dad to you and DS? That he wants time alone with his dad. Why the hell should a small boy understand how things are going to work out, who will be where, doing what.

Put his needs and feelings before your own and try to understand rather than taking his 'demands' at face value.

You didn't sound like a bitch. YANBU. It's your home, DSS is being invited into it and he needs to respect that.

Children make suggestions all the time, but they are also used not to get all what they want.

I wouldn't be thinking of lay down rules in the first visit, rules are put in place to control certain behaviours, until those behaviours take place, how do you get to know what rules to put in place?

I would never call you or anyone a bitch, but you sound lacking in empathy. He's a little boy going through a very hard time.

definately nbu, dss is of an age where he should understand that you as an adult have the right not to be bossed around by a child. Your dp is in danger of raising a brat unless he tells him that he is bu...

I have a 10 year old ds and they try to push the boundaries being pre teens etc but they need boundaries and for your home to be a normal home for him not a fun-time place only

Jesus. Are any of you children of divorce? I give up. Goodnight.

YANBU.

your DH needs to lay down the rules.

and those rules are respecting everyone in the family, everyone is equal.

trust me, letting him have his own way like this will benefit noone, especially him.

what does your DP say?

id put it to him as: i am overjoyed that DSS is coming to stay with us [which you are] lets try and make it as normal as possible so he can see how he might fit in for future visits, then mix a couple of treats in as well for both him and the whole family?
push the whole 'normality' bit, as it sounds like he's had a rough ride. seeing your DH as the 'fun' parent is great, but deep down he'll just like spending time with his dad.
you should be sweet as pie, but do not stand for any nonesense. if he gets away with being rude once, it wont have any impact with you or DH challenging him a second time. you need to make it clear from the outset what is and is not acceptable in your home.

ohh i feel for you, its a tricky one [not speaking from my own experience wierdly, my DD's stepmother!]

and dont stress too much, you sound lovely.
and i've just realised i am speaking from experience, or the experience i never got from my stepfather!
just relax.
leave them to it mostly.
dont take any rudeness.
be welcoming and lovely and ask open ended questions, but not too many of them. he needs to get used to you maybe. and used to DS.
basically, its perfectly natural for him to be with your DH DS and you, so just let it be natural.

confusing i know...

The poor kid may have got over excited that he is finally going to have sometime with his father, and may be overlooking the fact his dad had other commitments.

I think that laying down the rules on the first visit is the best way to ruin the relationship for times to come. Instead get to do things together, have fun together, and then, if necessary lay down some rules.

Considering it is the first visit, I think you are unreasonable, no need to be so defensive of your space. Welcome the child, make him feel at home. It DOES pay up.

Proudnsad, yes, I am a child of divorced parents, as are my DDs. If my girls ever behaved like this towards my husband's partner, as much as I'm not fond of her, I would be both horrified and furious with them.

Proudandsad, as i have mentioned, i am a child of divorce and are my DDs. my DD's gave their stepmum a bit of trouble when they first started, but i would be the first one to haul them up about such behaviour. i dont really see rudeness to other people and their homes acceptable at all unless they have personally slighted you in some way to make your actions justifiable. i would hope that id my DDs felt rude, they would take it out on something else and be brought up well enough to be polite.

I'm going to try and reply to all.

Proudnsad Dss's parents haven't been together for 6yrs. I've been with Dp for 3yrs. Everything has been explained to him from the beginning so it's not a recent thing.

Orangerie I think the problem is that DSS is used to getting his own way. He only has to text Dp and tell him he wants something and he gets it. I don;t think I've ever heard Dp tell him that he might have to wait a while.

For the past 2yrs, every time his dad visited it was just the 2 of them. Dp used to invite me on the visits but I felt it was inportant for them to spend some time alone and know that's what DSS wanted too. Since we found out he would be coming to stay at our home I have tried to intergrate Ds and myself slowly into his life so as not to dump this massive change on him in one go. It's just that all the visits we have made have been exactly like explained above.

Of course I want him to feel comfortable coming to our home, but I want that for all of us.

Lifeas3plus1 - when I read your thread title I was quite prepared to come into the thread and tell you not to be such a bitch, then I read about him being 9 (having expected it to be a teenager) and it being the first time in your home - so I was really prepared to let you have it with both barrels... UNTIL I read what you said about him thinking you and DS were going to move out for the week - where in gods name did he get that idea from? Then learning this wasn't going to happen had a Plan B - FGS - he certainly needs to have a few things gently explained to him!!!

I wouldn't 'lay down rules' - but I would be speaking to your DP and agreeing on how this behaviour is to be handled and expecting him to back you up. It doesn't sound like he's been very good at that so far - neither of you should be allowing him to treat you or DS(2) like that - it's disgraceful.

I feel for the poor little mite who probably just wants his Daddy to himself - but you wouldn't be doing him any favours to think he can be this rude or rule the house. He needs to understand he has a place in your family - however, this is not the 'leader of the pack'.

I would make some family plans, some time with you, some time with DS2 and some time alone with his Dad to do 'Big Boy' stuff. Maybe DP & DP could camp out in the garden or the lounge for 1 or 2 nights so he gets to sleep with his Dad.

I would make him welcome in everyway, but I would not tolerate any crap - it's the slippery slope to a right nightmare!

Bottom line - it is your place. It is your home and you are the adult, he is the child. I wouldn't stand for any child treating you DS2 the way he has been nor for being so rude - my own, a stepchild, the neighbours kids, school friends - they would all get told that that is rude and to stop it immediately.

You have him for a whole week, there is plenty of time to do good/fun/loving stuff as well as make sure he understands what is and what isn't acceptable.

lemonysweet

My suggestions where that DSS is to sleep in my Ds's room. I will move Ds in with me so that DSS gets his own space as being an only child for so long I don't think he would be comfortable sharing. Also that maybe 3 day's Dp and Dss go off somewhere alone, 1day Dp takes them both out and I stay at home so DSS has a chance to start a relationship with his brother and 1 day we all just go to the park/town whtever really. (2 day's will be travelling)

I'm just worried about the huffing and puffing when told to wait for us and blatently ignoring or talking/singing over Ds when all he's doing his sat on the floor babbling away to himself or his dad.

YANB(entirely)U.

I know you want him to be comfortable in your home, but I do think ground rules from the outset may come across a bit heavy handed. He needs to spend some time with his own dad - after all, this is what the arrangement is all about. Cut him some slack, and the time will come when he feels more comfortable joining your whole family unit - remember, this is a lot for him to take in, his dad having a new baby son and partner, etc.

Obviously, rudeness and a lack of respect towards you and your DS is not on, but deal with that bit by bit - it'll take time for you all to get used to this.

We are also living in a 'blended' family, so I do speak from experience. It's hard sometimes, for everyone involved, just be kind to each other. Maybe through time, you and DSS will spend some time together if it's working well.

JockTamsonsBairns

I would love for nothing more than to be able to spend some time with him eventually because despite what he does around Ds he is a nice little boy.

I'm trying to think of the best possible solution for everybody but somewhere, someone gets sidelined and the only thing I can think of where everyone is happy and comfortable is what I've suggested above.

As for the rudeness, It probably would be wise to drop it and see if he gets better over time as he starts feeling more comfortable but then if he doesn't stop it might be too late for Dp to explain why all of a sudden he can't be rude to us anymore.

I'm just trying so hard to not be the evil step-mum/other woman that sometimes it is difficult to see things through the eye's of a 9yr old as well as a 15month old whilst also making sure Dp and I are happy without seeming like I'm resenting one or another in some way.

I just really want everyone to be happy, especially DSS.

I agree with chippingin.

I think the ground rules that need to be set in place are between you and your other half. The "ok, what will we do if" ....he's rude to you, rude to your son, who will be responsible for discipling him, what you consider appropriate/inappropriate behaviour. I find it shocking that his behaviour towards his half-brother and you so far has gone unchecked and although I do appreciate that discipling a step-child is that much more difficult - children are happier with boundaries.

I would be cautious of moving everyone around to fit him in, mainly because it gives even more of the feeling of instability. Can you not fit another single bed in DS's room and make a pocket for him in that room (we did it with our two children - one who came every other weekend, one there full time) and it worked well by personalising their corner of the room (with posters, book shelf etc). It may not be to his liking, but if you really dont have a spare room for him, at least it is saying you have a space in our home that you're always welcome to.

Did he know about DS before he came back on the scene? I may be reading this wrong, but has DSS only recently been allowed contact with his Dad again?

I think it would be best for this little boy if everybody was very kind but firm to him, but did not take his suggestions at face value. He doesn't know yet what is reasonable, so don't hold any of his outrageous suggestions against him: just (get your dh to) explain gently as and when problems arise. I think an initial laying out of rules would be far too heavy handed.

if dss and your dp are going to be spending lots of quality time together outside the home, i do think when in the home there should be altogether time and dss and dp time.

It will surely make for better interaction and the chance to make freinds and be some sort of unit. The boy needs to push boundaries but aso be guided towards the reality of the situation. He needs the chance to live in your home as an equal.

I don't think this is about laying down ground rules so much as setting expectations. If he doesn't know what's going to happen when he turns up then he'll invent something fanciful. But if his Dad gives him some idea of how things might play out.... days out as a family, where he's going to sleep, how he has to look after his kid brother etc.... then I'm sure he'd appreciate it. Children who have had disrupted lives often enjoy having a few boundaries... makes them feel secure.

oh and ignore the huffing and puffing, really it's not worth reacting too, for his sake or your own.

It's a big deal for all of you, this visit, but it's the biggest deal for him.He is probably very nervous and scared, and jealous too. No way would i be turfed out my bed either, he'd be glad of his own space in ds's room, make it cool for him.