to ask dp to lay down some ground rules for DSS before he stays at our home for a week?

[lifeas3plus1]

He is 9yrs old and is due to stay at our house for a week starting this weekend. (First time in our home) He has had a lot of changes in his life recently so I understand that it is going to take a little time for him to feel comfortable.

However, he was under the impression that my Ds and I where actually going to move out for a week so his dad and him would be alone. When he was told this is not the case and that we will be here DSS then came up with plan 2.

Plan 2 is:

Dp is to take him out every single day to a theme park or similar on his own whilst Ds amd me stay home/do our own thing. I will be sat in the bedroom all evening so he can play on the PS3/Xbox watch movies in the lounge with his dad alone and that when they are ready for bed, I will sleep on the sofa (I'm 31weeks pregnant) so Dss and Dp can share my bed.

DSS also huffs and puffs and sighs every time he is made to wait for Ds and I to finish eating/changing nappy etc and clamps his hands over his ears and sings loudly everytime my Ds "talks" (15months)

Dp hasn't actually told him that this will not happen so DSS is under the impression that the whole week will be on his terms, his rules. He also hasn't been told not to be so rude around his half brother and me.

Because of this and for fear of upsetting DSS our Ds gets completely sidelined the whole time we visit DSS which I find upsetting.

Like I said, he's had a lot to adjust to recently so don't blame him for feeling out of sorts but surely Dp shouldn't be encouraging these idea's of his and should be explaining exactly what will happen when he is here.

Would IBU to tell Dp that he needs to have a chat with Dss and lay down some ground rules whilst he is staying in our home (Which we hope one day, Dss will feel comfortable calling home too) or is it not my place as he isn't my chid?

"He only has to text Dp and tell him he wants something and he gets it. I don;t think I've ever heard Dp tell him that he might have to wait a while."

Ok, I think this is really bad, but I still think that the child should not carry the full blame. Your DP is not being a good parent by acting as a genie to his son. Set the rule on your DP, the child will come along.

The perfect week of DS would be first day in the aquarium, second in Eureka, third in creepy crawlies, 4th in the Caribbean and he will be saying "I'm bored" the rest of the time. I say no, no guilt.

My BF has a child that is pretty much as you describe your DSS, I get very frustrated about it, but not with the child, but with his dad, because is not difficult to appreciate that strops only happen in the presence of his dad. If his dad is not in earshot, you say "no" and the child just says "uh, erm... ok". However he is so used to get whatever he wants from his dad, that if BF says "no" the child can throw one hour long tantrums or even kick and scratch his dad, just because the dad told him "no more ice cream".

I think it will take my beloved BF a HUGE effort to get out of such trap. But is he and only he, who has to do it. Now, it does help if it is done gradually, so child gets a chance to see that it is his dad saying no, rather than perceive the whole situation as if it was the fault of his dad having a new family.

Morning bringonthesun

You make perfect sense! A chat with dp is what's needed. As he works away during the week it'll have to wait until Friday when he's home. He picks dss ip on saturday. It's a fair old drive so it will all be fresh in his mind to have a little father to son chat on the way down.

We can fit a single bed in ds's room easily so that was my idea. We will move ds out and put him in with me at first and slowly move ds back in as everyone starts feeling comfortable.

Dss has had contact with his dad as and when his mum allowed but it's only recently that we have had a firm regular agreement about contact in place. He has known about ds since the day we found out I was pregnant but has only met him a handful of times. I know this is a big part of dss problem as he is having to get used to sharing his dad now but don't think dp is helping him get used to it by allowing his behaviour to his half brother to continue.

Sometimes I think I just have an unrealistic picture in my head about how I'd like things to be that I haven't actually thought about the difficulties we might encounter to get there.

Thank-you everyone. Will talk to dp this week and hope that we can be on the same page to keep everyone comfortable and happy.

piratecat - I guess that depends on what your normal/personal boundaries are - there is no way I'd have a 9 year old standing there 'huffing & puffing' rudely while I was getting myself and a toddler ready to go out - to me, it's rude & inconsiderate and only adds fuel to the fire that he thinks that he is the 'important one' and that the OP and his half brother are just a pain in the arse and he need not be polite around them...

The off huff & puff in a normal natural way from a 9 year old is to be expected of course - but not this continual, over the top stuff he is doing and all the hands over the ears stuff - just too rude for me and no way I'd put up with it.

"I'm just worried about the huffing and puffing when told to wait for us and blatently ignoring or talking/singing over Ds when all he's doing his sat on the floor babbling away to himself or his dad."

Sorry but DD1 will try to do this to DD2, along with lots of other irritants. (A speech therapist once told us her brother's stammer was partly caused by her interrupting all the time.)

So this does happen between normal brothers and sisters. So you are going (and tell your DP this) to have to treat him normally, we don't interupt, we do allow others to speak if only a baby. If you have something important to say we will listen, but you have to share attention.

Do go ahead with your plans. Tell him what they are, don't spring any surprises (at least for a first visit). He may actually really appreciate the structure.

Oh sorry to everyone else. I obviously type to slow....

Am taking all your replies on board and keep my fingers crossed for a happy week for all.

Well the huffing and puffing, would annoy me but sometimes not giving attention or even acknowledging this type of attention seeking can help. That was my reason for dealing with that bit!

Piratecat - each to their own method It's not my way, but that's what makes the world a more interesting place

There has been some good advice here and I think you will probably need to make a bit of a fuss of the boy yourself so that he starts to really feel welcome and at home at your place - but, something tells me that battle is not and will never really be with the boy, but with your DP...

He is clearly not willing to rock the boat one tiny little bit when it comes to his son. He has set a pattern which is going to be pretty hard to break now.

All you can do is talk about it together and hopefully make him see that rolling over to his every demand - and ensuring he is loved, cared for and set boundaries for - are two quite different things.

You definitely need to sort out with your DP so you present a united front.

The huffing and puffing thing is a 9yo being an annoying little sod. They do that. Doesn't mean you have to put up with it, I would tell him it was rude.

If your DP can't get his act together with disciplining his son then maybe it would be better if they went away for the week together.

It is your home as well, you shouldn't have to sleep on the lounge or hide in the room, your DSD is part of the family not the centre of it.

Would love to say its easy, and you never know it could be, so try not to stress before you get there - self-fulfilling prophecy and all that. But for what its worth, I don't think you have an unrealistic picture in your head, I just think its something thats going to take time and effort.

Will probably have moved on by the time I have finished writing this but...

My pearls of wisdom continued, from when I went through something very similar to this:

Remember that they are a child and much of what they do/most is not done with malicious intent.

Remember that mum might have been whispering in his ear/you don't know what story he is getting at home and that can be increasing his insecurities.

He may be jealous of your relationship with your son/and other half. He will see you all getting on/working as a unit and feel excluded from that, so the more that he can help you do mundane boring things like choosing DS's outfit, getting nappies/passing the wipes, clearing things away from breakfast, the more he will feel integrated in to everyday life. Bizarrely, once my DSD realised that it she was part of the family, so actually didnt want to go out on day trips and preferred to be at "home" even when we all wanted to go.

Being able to spend time with him and you alone is just as important if you want to create a family unit at home - perhaps one of the things you can do is just put in a standard bed, and just the two of you can spend an afternoon going out and getting things to personalise his bed area and doing that together - its a harmless way of getting more in touch with his likes/dislikes and shows that you care just as much about him as you do your own DS.

The more normalcy you can add the better - letting him find his position comfortably in the unit takes time, but if you engineer things then it makes it harder - not fair weather parenting basically - its good to let them get bored/come up with things to do sometimes.

Be prepared to explain why some things are different - for example the way you deal with a 15 month year old and a 9 year old that are doing something naughty is completely different - you and I know that - but don't expect the 9 year old to understand it. We used to explain it as "You are 9, you know what you are doing is naughty, but DS doesn't know whats wrong/right yet so we have to teach him".

If I was in your position, I would probably use a little white lie when it comes to the bedroom situation - tell him that DS is sleeping with you because he's not been sleeping well recently and you don't want him being disturbed - but reiterate that it is their room, shared - otherwise he may come to expect it to be vacated every time/if things don't get comfortable quickly that is.

I can not emphasize enough how important it is that you and DP are joined up and supportive of each other in this, if there are any cracks at all they will be found and exposed.

Good luck - I'm sure it will be fine - and you will all find your feet in the end.

Yes to what the others have said, but you don't need to have "nothing but family time" in order to prove a point. Your DSS obviously is craving one-on-one time with his dad so a couple of father-son outings would seem reasonable

Can;t agree more with BringontheSun post. Adding a new child to the family is not always an easy road, but with care it is well worth it, it really is.

I have found that sometimes is difficult to understand older children. I remember thinking lots of times, Oh Gawd! why does that child is acting like that and why on Earth his mother allows such behaviour??? just to find my own son acting exactly like that a few years down the line (when he got to that age) and noticing why I was allowing such behaviour. :D

Put it this way, see this process as if you are "adopting" a child, who may come with a multitude of problems, insecurities and staff to sort out. You need to re evaluate the needs of the whole family to make the new arrangement fit and work as well as possible for each member of the family. But it is worth it, there are a lot of rewards in seeing the child become a proper member of your family, growing safe, confident and secure that he is loved. With time, your DS will love him to bits too, they always do... and you too :-)

I'm getting all emotional here, I had a relationship with a man who had 2 children from a previous marriage, we managed to integrate ourselves as a family so well, that when the relationship ended I was totally heartbroken, not so for the father but because I was going to miss those kids a lot. Several years on, they still have a privileged place in my heart, and guess they will keep it until the day I die... :-)

staff??? I wish.. that should have read "stuff'!

Honestly I think that most of the time should be 'family' time with all of you.Maybe one wole day your dp could take dss and do something the boy has chosen.In addition there should be time when he is allowed computer games but not all evening.All evening meals should be for all of you and just sometimes dss should see your dp play with the baby and be encouraged to join in.As for bed-in no circumstances do you let him have your bed.
I have 3 dsc and 2 dc and when we came together they were between 11 and 17.We have always worked on an 'everybody's equal' system with all dc valued equally. Boundaries are essential and he must be able to see that you and ds are a permanent part of his dad's life.

lifeas3plus1 you are definitely not a bitch! I am a stepmum and I feel sorry for your 9 yo dss, as yes he has had lots of adjustments to make - but letting him getting away with bad behaviour is not going to improve your relationship, with your or his step brother, and so is not good for dss in the long run.

Turn it round maybe - oh dss, ds wants to talk to you as you are his hero! He wants to do everything you can do! Hey, ds, look what dss is doing! He can do X and Y what do you think of that?

And, if he is moaning that you are there / exist / are breathing, oh dss but I enjoy spending time with you in the evening when ds is in bed, you are so much more grown up, I can have a proper conversation with you, I like to spend time with you...

I call this my patented Mary Poppins method... Obviously your dh needs, needs to set ground rules. But bear in mind, your dh is realising that having a son who he lives with, is, eventually, going to mean he is closer to him than your dss. Not because he loves him more, of course not, but simply because he will see him so much more and get to know him better as he gets older. This will be hurting your dh deeply, lots and lots and lots of guilt.

That's the reason my dh makes 13 yo dsd her breakfast every morning, waits on her hand and foot, gives in to every demand for money, clothes, horses, laptops, lets dsd eat with her mouth open, elbows out, cutlery clutched in her fists like a 2year old, oh god sorry I'm off on one now I am so resentful

But I understand it I really do. But dsd thinks it's great that she doesn't have to do fuck all for her self, but it makes me sad because she's not learning the skills she will need as she grows up, because dh is more concerned with his guilt than her development. Much better behaviour and manners is expected of our dd.

SOrry for hijack op,

Sorry again

With you on this nemofish

I don't have much to add to the advice you've been given here, apart from the huffing and puffing issue. I would simply say "Huffing and puffing isn't going to make things happen any faster, you know", very calmly, and then ignore it and finish what you are doing.

I hope that things work out well for you, and the visit is a good one.

lifeas3plus1 What about incorporating the advice here but presenting it slightly differently.

When I read your post I didn't think you were a bitch but I thought your DSS's behaviour sounded perfectly normal too.

What I thought about his behaviour is:

1. He's clearly saying he needs Daddy time and lots of it.
2. Getting this time is his priority and it comes before spending time with you and DS.

I know that seems harsh but in his world he's lost his father for 6 years and sees that DS had had all of his i.e. DSS's Daddy for 3 years.

I also agree with the poster early on in the thread who said that how much influence DSS's birth mother has on the things he's saying is unknown but I bet it has helped shape the way in which his requests have come out.

What about agreeing to discuss this a little as a family.

I'd keep it ultra light, so first night just where everyone is sleeping and be together for at least 1 hour. I'd ignore any rude behaviour on the part of DSS.

I'd also take the opportunity to get DP to explain that you are pregnant and need a bed.

So, bed in DS's room but One night a week he and DP can camp out in the sitting room and have a boys night.

I'd also say that now the family is complete you want to start a tradition of nominating what's for dinner on X night of the week (when you're all together). DSS gets first choice.

Also, I'd give in to him to help him understand that whilst he needs to catch up for lost time with his Dad, he needs to get to know you and his siblings.

So what about 1 day a week he gets his Dad 100% and you and DS do something else? It'll be good for conversation when you all get back together. The othe thing is that 1 day a week you all spend it together (doing something fun outside of the house).

By the way I'd also make an effort to find DSS some personal space of his own, it won't ever be his home until he has his own space.

I don't have any experience of SC and tho I am a child with divorced parents, I am that rarity who desperately wanted their parents to divorce.

Please ignore all of this therefore if it sounds like a ton of rose fertiliser!

Good luck.

Ooh! One last thing any chance of getting DSS around before anybody other than you, DP and DS have met the new baby.

I bet it'll help with bonding and help him understand that he is richer rather than poorer since his parents divorce.

Your DP needs to be the one to sit down and explain to him that his plan B isn't going to happen.

Doesn't sound like your DSS is being deliberately mean or horrible, just that he's used to getting his own way and doing things on his terms. I'm assuming apart from your DS he has no other siblings? 9 years of getting your own way is hard to let go of.

Havng said that, if he knows that maybe aleast one day will be just him and his dad going somewhere alone (his choice- bet he's got loads of ideas ) that might soften the blow.

Thank you Colliecross