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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really fucking pissed off actually

80 replies

Ladyanonymous · 19/07/2010 22:59

I may B U.

OH in Navy - only see each other (most)weekends.

Had nice w/e planned with OH this one just gone as I had no kids and OH went to see some visiting relatives from abroad 300 miles away (who came at short notice). I was unable to go with him as I have students. So spent weekend on my own and saw some friends etc(ended up working). Will see him this weekend for first time in two weeks and will spend weekend with him and my DCs.

School hols this weekend looking forward to weekend without kids weekend after to prepare for holiday and DD's bday and spend some time alone with OH. I have been very unwell the last 6 months and am looking forward to a rest in the hols from full on kids

We are then going away on holiday for a week just the two of us then having one of his DC's (and my 3) for 2 weeks. We have asked the mother of his other 2 DCs (months ago) if we can have them for a week so they can see their sibling. She has said no as she has a friend satying for two weeks .

He has now said today she wants us to have them the weekend after next (my kid free weekend). I have gone a bit mental as I feel I am dancing to her tune constantly when we have offered to have them for a whole week.

He can't get them this weekend as he can't afford the petrol and I can't lend it.

ARGH please be honest and tell me - AIB a selfish bitch step mother from hell?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 20/07/2010 10:03

Runny - No it doesn't. A bit of paper to say they are married does not make any difference - if she is with the Father and wants to call herself step-mother - then that is up to her/them, no-one else.

Frankly, I think there should be other names to describe the relationship between children and their parents new partners when they still have the other parent. Children calling someone else step-mum/dad when they still have their Mum/Dad doesn't seem right to me. I can see why Mums/Dads get hurt by it.... but I think it's for each family to decide what they are called/how they are described... not a bit of paper.

gagamama · 20/07/2010 10:11

YABU, I'd hate to think of a child feeling unwanted and shunted from pillar to post because the adults in their life find them inconvenient. The children come first, your own plans and your feelings about their mother and her arrangements, come a distant second.

runnybottom · 20/07/2010 10:35

So any woman who goes out with a father can call herself stepmother? I find that quite insulting to those people who actually act as proper step parents. And rather unfair to the children as well.
Someone who seems to see her "step-children" as a nuisance and an inconvenience to her own child free time does not sound like a committed step parent. Although the fact that he can't see his children due to lack of petrol sounds like a crappy excuse too, seeing as he can afford a child free holiday?

Whatever though. You can call yourself what you like, I can bet the children have different ideas!

lemonysweet · 20/07/2010 10:49

i think a partner who lives with the parent in question [ie a commited long term relationship] could be considered a stepparent. it depends on how long they have been together and how much she is involved in their lives. a piece of paper does not a stepparent make, same as sharing a gene pool does not a parent make.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 20/07/2010 13:13

The holiday (which actually involved the cost of two cheap plane tickets) was paid for months ago. He needs to wait till pay day to be able to afford to do two 300 mile round trips this weekend to collect them and return them and as she asked at short notice he hadn't allowed for that in this months budget.

They are not a nuisance and I very much resent the posters who have suggested they are. I have put a lot of effort into my relationship with them - and their mother and I always take a step back from my own priorities so they can have a relationship with their dad and their so that their mum and dad can be friendly too.

I will have mine full on on my own for the holidays - then the two of us will have 4 for two weeks and as I have explained I am under going treament which makes me very tired and unwell atm and was looking forward to a two day break in the midst of all that.

I don't think that makes me a criminal or a bitch - I think it makes me human.

I am not their step-mother but thanks for the posters who stuck up for me . I don't really know what I am to them but I know they love coming here and I love having them.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 20/07/2010 13:16

I think you have to suck it up, its VERY complicated with all these kids and frustratingly it will rarely go your way !

dont get into bat fight with her, not worth it

and agree, she is not their step mother just yet, all that fun is to come!!!!

fearnelinen · 20/07/2010 13:23

LA I totally know where you are coming from. My situation isn't nearly as complicated but Ex NEVER lets us have DSD when we offer (loads of extra time, holidays, big events i.e. shall we have her for the world cup games so you can go o the pub and be grown up as we'll be doing it kiddie stlye anyhow e.t.c.) and she ALWAYS says no, then on the rare occasion we get some time to ourselves I get THAT phone call.
DH never says no as she frequently ceases contact and we go back to court e.t.c. but I just wish he'd say PLEASE?!!?
The issue I find is that while being a Dad is a right laugh, late nights, WII, sports e.t.c. being a mum (which you are as a Step mum OR the only woman in the house, whatever) means making sure the shoppings in, cooking, tidying, planning events (DH would happily sit DSD in front of the TV all day) and it's just generally more work.
I tried explaining this to DH, it didn't work. In the end I took a Sunday job, just for 6 months, so he could do it all and see what I do. I've just quit that, we'll see if it's had an impact!!
Good luck.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 20/07/2010 13:30

fearneline I agree with you totally about being the step-mum or the only woman in the house.

Esp about the late night etcs as OH sees them so rarely (and the discipline isn't great either ) and the shopping etc and its not that I resent it - sometimes I just want a break and I don't think it crosses his mind to offer to do any of it!! Or that I do it all the time for my own family and it wouldn't kill him on the rare occasions he has his to think about planning meals etc. Esp when I am not needing to do it for my own kids.

My kids do have step mums too one nice the other a complete bitch so I do know the other side......

OP posts:
fearnelinen · 20/07/2010 14:19

I get you LA - just sometimes you don't need Cartoon Network on the telly and you want to eat toast for your tea without feeling like a bad mum/stepmum/whatever!

If it was me BTW, I'd politely say no to the ex, maybe go up for one day and spend a few hours, have a meal e.t.c. if you've got to do a round trip anyway, but then come home and havea lie-in the next day.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 20/07/2010 15:31

I feel bad as he won't get to see them otherwise so I'm just going to have to smile and get on with it but it frustrates me a bit that he has to take any access she offers and is too scared to point out to her that we both work and have busy schedules/lives and need a bit more notice in case she just stops him from seeing them at all.

He pays her massive maintenance on top of her income support and when they went abroad on holiday at her parents expense forked out for all their passports too.

Its just having someone in your life who is constantly saying jump and him saying how high and its me who loses out - because I am also a single parent and deserve a break.

PPs are right though - there will never be an easy way through a complicated situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 20/07/2010 17:36

Ok - so I am trying to introduce some type of organisation into this ad hock situation.

I have written a list of all the dates for the rest of the year that we (I as I haven't discussed it with him yet!! would be more than happy to have his kids.

These are the weekends my kids are also here.

AIBU to give it to him and ask him to write it out for her and for her to choose the weekends which are convininet to her for us to have he children?

OP posts:
fearnelinen · 20/07/2010 17:45

Yep, yep, yep. I hear ya sister! It is sooo frustrating.
The CSA are constantly chasing DH for more money because she keeps telling them his circumstances have changed. They haven't but he does his best to cooperate and because of that he seems to get walked over (and me as well). Yet the CSA can't find my ex despite me tellng them where he lives and where he works!!!
Sucks really, I have quite a lot of experience of 'blended' families and I can honestly say that the adults who do their best for the kids always lose out while the adults who will use the kiddies for their own gain, do indeed gain but in that instance it's the kiddies who are always the losers.
So very sad.
Have a fun weekend and try to relax and enjoy yourself.

colditz · 20/07/2010 17:55

I know exactly where you are coming from, and yes, doesn't it make you want to spend 6 months making an animation of their mother in a Tom and Jerry cartoon, where she gets frying-panned in the face again and again, purely for your own viewing pleasure?

fearnelinen · 20/07/2010 19:14

Oops x posted there I think.

YANBU to try to gain some control of the situation, but if it were me, I'd get her to do it as it sounds like she doesn't want to please him in anyway (I'm just comparing to my situation). So, approach her (or get him to) and explain something about Naval commitments means that he really needs to plans his weekends carefullyover the next 6 months, so could she jot down the weekends she can do. Then, see how this compares with your list, if there are dates on her but not on yours, suggest one of yours as an alternative?
I think about Exes the way I deal with children and most men...let them think it was their idea and congratulate them wholeheartedly for being so clever!

pregnantteen · 20/07/2010 19:26

is there any need to be swearing!
swearing is a disgusting habit!

BeerTricksPotter · 20/07/2010 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 20/07/2010 20:43

Did I swear? I'm sorry - its just I was really fucking pissed off at the time...

OP posts:
pregnantteen · 20/07/2010 22:28

its just not good to swear!
there is no need to be sarky!
parents dont like it when their children swear, so i dont see y parents shd swear!

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 20/07/2010 22:33

Pisses me off when people talk in text speak but there you go

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 20/07/2010 22:36

How would children see the swearing?

This is a web site for parents so I think the odd bit of swearing is allowed. If it was, for example, the Cbeebies website I would complain about swearing.

Mermaidspam · 20/07/2010 22:39

Dear Lord, has everyone gone fucking mental today?!

pregnantteen · 20/07/2010 22:40

like children don't swear or write swear words!
have u seen children on facebook these days, msn

facebook has kids under the afe of 10 on it!this is not the only website that ppl can swear on!
swearing is everywhere!

BeerTricksPotter · 20/07/2010 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SamMummy · 20/07/2010 22:41

All swearing is wrong and this is not school pregnantteen so don't listen to others about not being allowed to talk in text

TheCrackFox · 20/07/2010 22:44

What is your point prenantteen? That kids are allowed to swear on Facebook but adults are not allowed to swear on Mumsnet?