I'm 12 weeks pregnant and terrified of being a mother

[TheOneinRed]

I?m going to explain some backstory. I apologise if it sounds implausible but I?m stating it rather matter-of-factly.

I was raised in poverty by two neglectful alcoholic parents whom spent most of their life unemployed. My father was regularly violent towards my vulnerable mother (she had manic depression) until his suicide when I was about ten.

I spent my adolescence daydreaming about being upper-middle class with an RP accent and a wealthy husband in tow. So I focused all my attention on being academically successful and now I'm a qualified GP.

Eventually I met my now husband and have my 'perfect life' and I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I am very content about life and always wanted children but I?m still terrified of having this child. Firstly, I have no idea how to raise a child properly. Secondly, I'm frightened of the fact that I've cursed my child with my "messed-up genes", most of my extended family are quite bluntly... aggressive benefit-claiming drunks that disowned me because I'm now a "posh cow with ideas beyond her station". Thirdly, I'm scared that my child will pick up on my emotional baggage like I did as a child with my own parents... they always used to rant about their horrible childhoods if I ever complained about not having necessities (i.e clean knickers) and I'm frightened I might do this too.

I guess I'm just posting this for reassurance but I'm wondering if these fears are normal. Does anybody even have any advice how to deal with these fears? I don't have many people to turn to in real life as most of my friends are either men or childless women. I tried to tell my friends about my fears but they just think I'm a crazy emotional pregnant lady.

Can you afford some counselling - or perhaps see your doc for some if not - ? I had some similar fears before I had kids, not quite as full-on as yours but a bit of baggage I was worried I'd pass on.

I had just over a year of private therapy, an hour a week, and it did wonders. I was able to let go of that stuff and learn how to deal with people in general a lot better. Now, I feel I am a really good mum and that there is no problem that can't be overcome.

Also, stick with Mumsnet! There are plenty of people who haven't had these problems (though may have others - nobody is free of life's little foibles) and can help and advise if you think things aren't going right or if you are about to blame yourself for something which is just normal and happens.

You'll be fine! You can break the cycle.

being abused/having a terrible childhood does not condemn you to reenact it with your own children

your worries are normal, in the sense that many people with this kind of background feel like this

NOT in the sense that you should be worried

would it help to talk through your fears with a counsellor/your midwife?

Your fears are valid, but the important difference between you and your parents is that you have recognised that you need to do things differently and have made a decision to do so.

It is that, which is both a very small and quite momentous decision which will give you the power to do things differently.

Regarding what you should be doing as a parent- keep reading mumsnet. I am not a mum yet, but as I have never as I have grown up been around anyone with babies or young children, everything I have learnt about children has been from on here. I don't think you could get better advice anywhere.

Good luck- I am quite sure that you will enjoy it.

I think it is absolutely normal to feel this way, especially given your own childhood. For what it's worth I think everyone worries about not knowing how to raise a child. We all occasionally treat our kids in a way we regret, but that makes us human, not crappy parents.

I haven't read this book but your OP made me think of it because someone recommended it to me when I was very much in a "doubting myself" mood. Maybe it will help?

I second counseling.

but when I found out I was pg I like you became afraid I would do what had been done to me. When he was born I knew just how wrong I had been .

My mother also gave me a very good saying she said that " if you are afraid of something happening, you will do all you can to stop it happening, making it so it does not happen"

I think you will be a great mother and worrying I am afraid comes with the territory. Get some counseling to make sure your issues do not spill over into your child's life, and try to remember you are already trying to do the best for your child .

I think every expectant mother has plenty to be nervous about. She knows life is going to be very different and wants to do the best for her baby before and after arrival. Everyone hopes they're a 'good mum' - and has their own definition of what a 'good mum' looks like. Most people will have experiences from childhood that they either want to recreate or not let their child be exposed to. There's a lot to think about!

I would suggest that genetically, you've turned out OK - which bodes well for your child. And behaviourally, you've made decisions that have separated you from the rest of your family, which means you've already decided not to follow the furrow they've ploughed for themselves.

How to deal with it? If it is keeping you awake at night or preventing you from enjoying your pregnancy then take the advice to see a doctor. If it's less severe than that then try to relax and trust yourself to pass on the self-respect, high standards and determination that has meant you are a 'posh cow with ideas beyond her station' Good luck

Just look at how far you've come already, leaving your awful upbringing behind and carving out a decent life. If you can do that for yourself, do you really think you won't be able to do the same for your baby?

You actually sound pretty inspirational to me, so I think your child is very lucky!

Its true, even just browsing around and nosing the various threads on AIBU let alone the other forums gives you a good idea, in time, of what is "normal", "acceptable" etc. Not everyone agrees, but it gives you a general feel for the current parenting culture so even if you didn't have an ideal upbringing, you get a good idea of what the average child should be getting, if that makes sense! Very reassuring.

They won't inherit 'messed-up genes' because it is your upbringing that has messed you up, not your genes alone.

I also recommend counselling. The very fact you are so worried is also a good sign that you will do things differently

You obviously know alcoholism and manic depression have a genetic, hereditable sort of component but it's not the whole story and you will provide a loving and solid start in life that vastly reduces the risk of either of those conditions emerging in your children - which is probably already slight, but you could have genetic counselling? As a GP could you self refer? Might help put your mind at rest if you can work out more reliable odds.

Do you have a nice GP to talk to? I think your fears are very understandable, and getting some external validation that it's ok to feel scared and anxious, especially in view of your family background, might help. I would absolutely agree with exploring some counselling - you can self-refer but tbh it might be helpful for you to have the back up of knowing a good GP. (I'm a GP too, and having my own Dr and not having the burden of trying to make rational decisions about my own and my family's health is a godsend. You'll find this too - when it comes to your own and your child's health - try to forget your job and remember you're just a normal person trying to do her best.)

All the best.

Due to my upbringing, (no where near as serious as yours my father was a very angry, aggressive man and used to shout and smack me repeatedly) I promised myself I'd be different, in fact I try so hard to be a perfect parent that I feel guilty if I do anything wrong or what I consider imperfect!

I'm only now having counseling and realising I'm totally unrealistic in how perfect I wish and try to be.

You will do the best you possibly can and will love them very much, especially as you're so concerned about it If you haven't already, as others have said, look into counseling. There are some support threads on mumsnet as well that you may find helpful. I'm not a member of them but perhaps someone could link one for you, if you'd find it helpful to join one, as I'm not sure exactly what topic they'd be in but I've seen them about on the active list from time to time in passing.

You've done so amazingly well in your life this far and given that your reflected and intelligent I am confident that you'll be a good parent too.

I had counseling during my pregnancy and my councillor said that the thing about becoming a parent is that it is extremely emotional. If you are conscious of any areas of particular unease you can address these now but also know that you don't have to know everything about parenting before your child is born, you can learn as your child is growing . Its a very emotional thing being pregnant. Try to do things to bond with your baby. In my case I found out the sex so that I could give my dd a name and then start to relate to her. That helped me. Good luck, and congratulations!

Sorry to hear you had such a rotten childhood, but you have done brilliantly with what life has handed you, and refused to be a victim of it - many people either go under or never get past it.

Nine months may not seem like very long, but Mother Nature is a clever thing - by the time you get to the end of your pregnancy, you'll be more in tune with it all, I promise.

My sister is an alcoholic, and is two years younger than me, with two boys in their mid teens. I am expecting my first child (due next week), and I can count on one had the amount of times she has bothered to call me and ask me how I am - she even accused me of stealing her thunder because she had been talking about wanting another baby 'for ages.' She also thinks I am 'up my own arse'! My mum and I laugh about it, but it's hurtful and malicious and I still love my sister so worry about her. Moaning about her makes me sound (in my head) like a petulant sibling - because she is 'ill', she can say what she likes and no one dares to pull her up when, yet again, she falls off the wagon.

If I were you, I would just keep your distance from your family and don't let them trespass on what is a very special time for you. This is your time, surround yourself with support you and not bum you out.

You are clearly a bright and caring individual and will be a loving and attentive parent - focus on the future and your new family, and let the rest go.

Keep posting! xxx

From a slightly different perspective... My Mum had a childhood very similar to yours, except that instead of a suicide her parents sent her to an orphanage at that age because 'neither of us want you any more' The mind boggles.

She was an excellent mother - basically decided that she was going to use her childhood as a 'what NOT to do' guide. She was a fantastic Mum and we still have a great relationship today. I think she approached parenting quite intellectually, although that's probably not quite the right word, but she thought a lot about how she was and wasn't going to parent whereas I just go do be

So it is possible! Hope that helps xx

Gosh, not surprised you are worried, I was terrified about being a parent and I had a middle class upbringing.

I agree counselling is a good idea but there is no messed up gene. We all pass some emtional baggage onto our kids, but because you are so self aware it's unlikely to cause a problem.

Also mumsnet good resource as you'll always get free advice. Anyway you sound like a great person who has been able to succeed despite such a tough start, I would like you to be my GP!

Can your DH and his family provide support?
Enjoy your pregnancy though! You are the one who did the hard bit by breaking the cycle, your kids will be fine!

im another who believes in the "what not to do " that you have learned from your childhood.
Its all about taking the negative and turning it into positives.
You have already done this before , regarding your education, your job and your successful relationship with your dh.
You already "know" how to be a good mum, the fact your fretting about it shows it.
...A poor parent simply wouldnt care enough to worry . .

TheOne - if it helps, I'm immensely grateful to my grandmother, who I never really knew, for breaking a cycle. She had a difficult childhood, was thrown out by her father for getting pregnant, had to leave her baby in Ireland to be raised by her sister. When she had my mum, she swore that things would be different, and that she would support her children no matter what.

The result was that my mother had a very happy, stable upbringing, and has passed it on to us. Nana was sadly not around to meet her great-grandchildren, but I hope she'd be proud of the happy confident little people they are.

You know you're strong - you know you can do this. And one day your grand-daughter will be telling random internet sprites how grateful she is that you did!

I 3rd, 4th or 5th counselling.

As a previous poster said, parenting is a very emotional business.
Well done on getting this far, I suspect it will be unlikely that you will be the parent that your parents were.

I am from a background where there was DV and disfunction too and though we actually were that middle class dream family (from the outside) I viewed education as my escape too.

Consequently, I am a high achiever who put an awful lot of thought into becoming a parent and was terrified when I became pregnant for the first time.

Initially, I focused on not doing the things my parents would have done (I call this parenting in spite of my parents) but eventually it hit me that this thought in it's own way could lead me to where I didn't want to be. I think that was when I became depressed. Anyway, (this does have a happy ending), I got counselling (I've been attending since November) and the difference it has made has been life transforming.

I was told at my first consultation that my issue would be whether I could trust someone to help me given that I'd been being so strong and such an achiever for so long.

It has been so hard to tell someone all my woes and history. Often I cry for the entire hour of counselling and sometimes for the next 5 or 6 hours too. The counsellor (sorry my spelling is so poor tonight) has put a lot of effort into talking about how I parent and I realise now that it has enabled me to acknowledge the kind of parenting I had and be free to parent how I do safe in the knowledge that I won't repeat the same behaviours.

After this long winded post, my point is that I think you can short circuit the process I have been through by having counselling now. The hardest part may well be being open to someone but do it for your baby.

Happy mummy = happy child (everytime!)

(Sorry this post was so long).

My mum had a horribly abusive childhood too and her and her twin sister both made a conscious decision to be very aware of their own parenting to avoid slipping into habits seen in their own parents. (Their brother made the decision never to have children as he felt it was too great a risk and one he wasn't prepared to take. A sad but immensely selfless and responsible decision to take.)

Their strategy involved always talking everything out, they 'talked their way' through our childhoods and had each other for this, so I would also recommend a counsellor if you don't have an appropriate confidant. I received counselling after the break up of a long relationship and despite being initially sceptical, I am a massive convert and would recommend it to anyone. You don't have to feel guilty that you are hogging the conversation as you might with a friend either, you are meant to be talking about you!

My mum (and aunt) were and are, loving, kind and brilliant mums. They weren't perfect and I am just beginning to realise, as a mum now myself (dd of 1yr ), that perfection is an impossible illusion when it comes to parenting. Don't try to be perfect, just give your child the childhood you wish you'd had and you'll do just fine.

It will be the hardest and by far the best thing you have ever done.

Good luck

my friend had a similar upbringing to yourself, he was worried that he would be violent to his kids

he is now a fabulous dad.

He always said that he saw his upbringing as a whatnot to do guide to parenting.

Of course he makes mistakes, who doesn't, no parent is perfect and it is hard work no matter who you are but someone with as much go getting nouse about them will do just great.

MAybe try and think about all the things you do want to do and remember it all happens in stages, and we all make it up as we go along.

By put an awful lot of thought I don't mean that others don't, rather that I was quite obsessed with it from a very young age (though I never talked with anyone about it except my sister) and always said I never wanted children, even though I kind of knew that was rubbish, but I didn't dare.

OP - My childhood was by no means as terrible as yours. However, I did have a violent alcoholic father whom I lived in fear of. And did not witness first hand how a healthy relationship worked. My mother and father had a truly horrible marriage.

As you did, I grafted hard, got into Oxford and swore to be better. Despite all of that, I still didnt know how to conduct a healthy relationship. I spent my twenties thinking the problem lay with everyone else. Then I had a breakdown of sorts and did CBT. And it was fantastic. As a GP, I dont need to tell you how it works. But I made myself work at changing my hardwiring/ auto responses.

The long and short of it is - that it has worked. I am not a perfect mother by any means - but I am bringing my boys up in an environment that is so much better than the one I was bought up in. What started as having to think about my reactions all the time, has now petered out to once in a while.

I think the problem is that you think (as I did) that once you achieve x,y,z, the past will not matter. For me, it did. It is always there and you need to deal with it. As my GP told me when I went to see her - the most important step for me had already been taken - admitting that there was a problem. You have done the same by coming on here and voicing your fears. It is only up from here on in. And I really mean that, I am happier now than I have ever been. Good luck.

I also agree with the other MNers that have used the phrase "what not to do"

I was abandoned several times by my Mother, and left her care permanently at 16. I have used all my experiences with her as a benchmark "of what NOT to do"

Simple things of hugging, listening, valuing what they have to say, being there for every little trauma....all absent from my Mother, but I make the extra special effort to reverse all the negatives I felt during my childhood.
I have never been shopping with my mother or had a coffee in a coffee shop...and I can't wait until my DD is old enough for me to go and fix that too

From what you have achieved I'd bet my last pound that you will be a great Mum x

lol TABLEFOR6 spookily similar to you ive never been for coffee with my mum either ... on being questioned as to why she had no intrest in doing normal mum/daughter stuff with me , she told me i was off my head and needed to go see someone ...
.
I make a point of going for milkshakes/cake with my dc at least once a month .its fun.i love it