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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH forgot to collect DD from school!

41 replies

sparklingchampagne · 19/07/2010 15:41

DH isn't working this week, so said he would collect DD from school (she usually goes to after school club and I pick her up at 4pm when I've finished)
Had a call from school to say no one had collected, luckily I work locally so have got her now, poor thing, she was so upset!

DH is notoriously forgetful, he forgets birthdays, arrangements we've made etc. For example, his best friend is coming to stay with us this weekend, this has been arranged for months, and I don't know how many times I've had to remind DH of this as he's forgotten and started making plans to do something else!
If it was just 'boring' things he forgot I wouldn't be so worried, but forgetting to pick DD is a big thing.

AIBU in thinking that he should go to the GP about this - he says he just forgets stuff cos he's busy, but his Dad had Alzheimers and I just get a nagging feeling about this 'forgetfulness.'

OP posts:
proudnsad · 19/07/2010 15:43

My dh is v forgetful too but don't think he'd ever do this.

Does he drink a lot or smoke weed? If not (or maybe if so!) yes see the GP if it's that bad.

mamas12 · 19/07/2010 15:44

That is only one of the things I would do.
I would be quite evil today though and not tell him you've picked up dd and go home and wait until it clicks with him that he hasn't done it, including running all the way there and back.
He won't forget that in a hurry.

grapesandmoregrapes · 19/07/2010 15:46

where is he now? has he gone to do something else instead? thats really not on, I would be absolutely fuming!

islandofsodor · 19/07/2010 15:46

Its very easily done. I have done it myself a couple of times when I have had a change of routine - working a differnet day or an after school club cancelled etc

Original poster
sparklingchampagne · 19/07/2010 15:47

DH doesn't drink or smoke so no excuses there!
He hasn't realised yet I don't think - I know he'll be pottering round in his own little world and have lost track of time!

OP posts:
swanandduck · 19/07/2010 15:49

Has he always been a bit absent minded? Some people just are and I have often heard of people forgetting that they promised to collect the kids from school/swimming/a birthday party when they're used to someone else doing it.

beachtent · 19/07/2010 15:53

I wonder when and if he will notice?! Is there any way you can wind him up about it a bit, perhaps as mamas said?!

If you're worried about his memory, you should get it checked out. Alzheimer's is complicated and although there is a genetic link it's not guaranteed. How old was his dad when he got it? If he was young (younger than 65) then the genetic link is stronger. Is his memory getting worse or has it always been like that?

Original poster
sparklingchampagne · 19/07/2010 15:54

I can't be cross with him as he will have genuinely forgotten - he'll be horrified when he realises.
Yes, he has aways been forgetful - in fact the first book I bought him after we had been seeing each other for two weeks was 'Mr Forgetful', and I'm just used to it, but when he forgets something big like this I get worried about him. . .

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 19/07/2010 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greenshadow · 19/07/2010 16:00

Sorry, but it is actually quite easy to forget to collect a child (can you tell this is the voice of experience?)

If you are not used to the routine of doing the school pick up and are engrossed in some project or other, then I'm afraid he probably isn't the only Dad who would forget.

Wouldn't worry too much about Alzheimers just yet - I think (with apologies to all Dads present), it is partly a male thing and how their brains work (MASSIVE over generalisation here, but always felt DH is on a different level to me)

minipie · 19/07/2010 16:00

Hmm. He can't improve his memory but if he knows it's bad then maybe he can come up with "systems" to help him remember? Post it notes round the house? An electronic diary that beeps at him? What does he do about work appointments?

Lynli · 19/07/2010 16:06

If you can't be cross with him as he has genuinely forgotten, then you should not ask him to pick up your DD.

If you think there is something wrong with him then he should see a doctor. If there is nothing wrong with him then you should be very angry. Forgetting birthdays is a bit different to leaving a child uncollected. IMO

Morloth · 19/07/2010 16:09

I use my blackberry to yell at me. Even my 6yo DS has learned to ask if I have put stuff in my phone, otherwise I will forget.

Don't tell him you have gotten her, the mad panic he will have will serve as a good strong lesson for him.

OrmRenewed · 19/07/2010 16:11

I've done it. Never been really late but 10 mins or so. I have to put things in my Outlook calendar with a reminder.

MelMack · 19/07/2010 16:11

My dad forgot to collect me from ballet when I was about 8 (in 1979 - this clearly would be front page news now), and I was left in the dark outside a church hall, next to the graveyard (even the caretaker went home) until he collected me. It turns out he'd arrived home, sat down for tea and when my mum said "Where's Melanie?" He looked horrified and drove out to get me.

It was probably only 20 minutes but it felt like forever to me at the time.

The tears on my face when he finally arrived stopped him ever doing it again.

Maybe you should get your daughter to tell him how scared she was, to help it sink in?

miso · 19/07/2010 16:41

If you know you are prone to forgetfulness, you really should do something like set an alarm on your phone, (and make sure the phone is turned on, with the volume up ).

Original poster
sparklingchampagne · 19/07/2010 16:58

He writes everything for work down in his book, but TBH as he's a teacher he doesn't 'forget' to teach when there are a class of kids in front of him - and that 's the main part of his job!
As for not letting him pick DD up from school - she is our DD!!! As I say, he is forgetful, but he has never forgotten before, and he is very upset.
He is back now, mortified, DD has spokent o him, we're lucky in that it's a small school and we know the staff, parents etc very well, so I think DD is less upset than she could have been.
I like the idea of an alarm on his mobile phone, I think we might try this.

OP posts:
sheenbeen · 19/07/2010 16:59

as Greenshadow said earlier - it's quite easy to forget 'big' stuff if you're not in the habit of doing it....I'm sure he'll beat himself up plenty about it.

My poor old mam left me at the shops in my pram the first time she took me out of the house as a baby....it had been nearly 10 years since she'd had a baby. She said the had a niggling feeling that she'd forgotten something but couldn't put her finger on it until she'd been home for about 10 minutes...she of course duly belted back down the road to the shops where I was oblivious. As a toddler, my brother left me in the house on my own after being asked to look after me for half an hour - when y parents arrived home I was happily still snoozing and my brother was at the swings {hmm}

sleepingsowell · 19/07/2010 17:33

I think you need to help him with getting strategies to cope with his forgetfulness. I agree about the phone thing - he needs to get in the habit of setting the alarm on his mobile with a reminder to do certain things. Make it something you chat about each night before bed and it should be possible for you both to remember!

I don't think you can change someone who is naturally forgetful - it's all about putting strategies in that work and that become part of everyday routine.

TheArmadillo · 19/07/2010 17:39

some people are just forgetful but as others have said it is up to them to find strategies to deal with it - not just expect others to put up with it.

Phone alarms or if on a pc then outlook reminders, plus lists/diaries of any tasks to do that day.

Dh is very forgetful but he sets a phone alarm to collect ds every day (since the one time we forgot) and makes lists etc for the really important stuff.

Not a problem as such as long as they do something about it.

Ineed2 · 19/07/2010 17:47

I would be disgusted with my OH if he did that, in fact it's one of my nightmares, I leave notes and send texts to check he hasn't forgotten things, maybe it's controlling but who cares it's better than havin him forgetting stuff.
Why do blokes do this kind of thing, what they are doing is always more important to them.
Give him a hard time on behalf of your daughter.

coventgarden · 19/07/2010 17:52

It is just ridiculous to say it is easy to do if it isn't what you would normally do in the day. He forgot his child fgs.

I have my mobile set to go off for everything I have to do as I do worry that I will lose track of time.

Morloth · 19/07/2010 17:53

It isn't just men, I have forgotten DS when we were out of routine.

catinthehat2 · 19/07/2010 18:12

It's pure laziness.

Plenty of us are forgetful and don't have anyone to enable us remind us of stuff. Everyone has the odd forgetful moment, BUT if you know you are generally forgetful, there is no excuse.

We use notes, timers, alarms. So should he.

TheFallenMadonna · 19/07/2010 18:15

Well, DH and I have both forgotten to either collect a child or inform people of changes to arrangements in the last fortnight

It happens. I'm a teacher too btw