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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a failure that 6mo DD is nowhere near sleeping through the night

71 replies

sonostanca · 19/07/2010 09:48

..She is BF and I have always just tried to feed her whenever she wakes - I'll try and gently shush her first but if she starts working up to a cry I'll feed her. She is in our room.

Family - sister,mum, etc - keeps telling me "she should be sleeping through by now!" and that I "need to be firmer with her".

I did try letting her cry once to see if she would self settle whilst I sat by her cot talking to her and stroking her the whole time and she just got more and more upset so I ended up feeding her. It was horrible.

I've been told by one sister I am teaching her to be over attached and that's a bad thing. She CAN go to sleep without me - she's usually asleep when I put her down but sometimes isn't and just gurgles then goes to sleep.

I just feel I've tried to be as responsive to her needs as I can and have ended up messing everything up whilst everyone else's babies are sleeping through.

OP posts:

MaudofallHopefulness · 19/07/2010 10:27

Mine didn't sleep through until 7 months. He used to wake 3 or 4 times in the night every night and I used to bf him to sleep. After lots of anguish and being massively sleep deprived DH and I decided to do controlled crying (I know not everyone's cup of tea). We went in to see him every few minutes, leaving longer and longer gaps and I went cold turkey on bf him at night. The crying lasted 30 - 40 mins only and then he slept through the night after that. It was a matter of teaching him how to get to sleep on his own without being fed. He slept better without loads of milk in his tummy too.

That's just my story, you may find it helpful or not. At least you can see that not sleeping through is very common indeed at that age.

FakePlasticTrees · 19/07/2010 10:29

oh and technically, I still don't sleep through! I wake up most nights 1 or 2 times and have to have water by the bed to drink. (Is even worse when DS wakes in between as I'm really having rubbish sleep then!).

Some adults can sleep though earthquakes, some adults are light sleepers (like me) and wake at the slightest noise. Some people function well on only 4 hours sleep, some need 8+ hours to cope. We accept that grown up humans have differing sleep requirements yet assume the same humans at 6 months old should all be exactly the same. that's just stupid really.

5DollarShake · 19/07/2010 10:34

Don't forget that what's one person's 'sleeping through the night' is another person's disturbed night's sleep.

I only realised this several months into it all. You'd get smug Mums asking if yours was sleeping through yet (to which my answer was a laughing - 'are you joking? Not even close! ) - and yet when they explained further, what they meant was they were putting the baby to bed, then giving it a dream feed at 11 or whatever time, and then the baby was 'sleeping through' until 5-ish or some other equally ridiculous time. Since when was 5AM a reasonable time to be waking up?

To me, 'sleeping through the night' equates to being put to bed in the evening (for us 7-7.30PM), and sleeping through until the morning (7AM), no interruptions.

So ignore those who declare theirs to be sleeping through - chances are they aren't really, and even if they are, so what? That's their baby; this is yours.

i exclusively breastfed until 6 months and was pretty exhausted by that stage, as DS still wasn't sleeping through. However, he was by 7 months - and I wonder if weaning him onto solids did help. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't, and he was just ready then.

Whatever - all I will say it that no good ever comes from comparing your own baby with other babies. Please don't feel any pressure to handle things in a way that doesn't suit you. You're doing the best by your little one.

Rycie · 19/07/2010 10:35

It is absolute rubbish that "everyone else's are sleeping through." Mine certainly isn't.

My DD is 20 months and still not sleeping through. She has slept through exactly once since she was born - I'll never forget it, it was a Thursday night.

Do whatever feels comfortable and right for you, I know its hard but try to ignore everyone else. As for advice from your mum - my mother was told to start us on solids at 3 weeks. Advice changes.

Children are not robots, you can't possibly expect them to all behave in the same way. Controlled crying works well for some babies, but not others. Disastrous for me. Whatever you decide to do, you must be completely happy with it, don't be rushed and pushed. Take your time.

Firawla · 19/07/2010 10:39

just ignore them its only a problem if you feel its a problem, but sounds more like ur problem is people going on at you and making you feel bad, not that your dd is waking up?
mine was waking up still at 6 months, i didnt really find it a problem because just feed and put him back he didnt make a fuss about that. but now 7 months he started mostly sleeping through! just keep doing what you think is best with her, she may settle down for the whole night eventually by herself. what do they mean be firm with her, let her cry it out?? if they will just feed and go back to sleep that is much easier on everyone than baby left crying for ages just to "train them to sleep through the night"

Oblomov · 19/07/2010 10:48

Makes my heart sob to read your post. I hate seeing posts when someone is made to feel like a failure ( its that particular word that i hate) by either another person or some silly parenting book.
When children sleep through has nothing to do with the parents. I knew it was fluke and nothing to do with me, when ds1 slept through (7pm-6am) at 13 weeks. I also knew it was unlucky and nothing to do with me, when ds2 was the most awful sleeper EVER. Was still having one feed, every other/third night at aged 1.3. but then suddenly got better, slept through all the time, and never stopped. Anything I did ? unlikely.

Please don't ever let anyone make you feel a failure.

sweetnitanitro · 19/07/2010 10:49

Everyone else's babies are not sleeping through, they are just lying to avoid unwanted advice and criticism- at least that's what I've been doing . My DD is 21 mo, we co-sleep and although I have just night-weaned her she is still not sleeping through. 6 months is very very young, don't worry about it. Your family is wrong wrong wrong! I hate the whole being 'firm' with babies and saying they are spoilt, it makes me so . You cannot spoil a baby.

You sound like you're doing a terrific job, just listen to your baby and do what you think is best, and sod what everyone else says.

loopyloops · 19/07/2010 10:52

In one of "those" books (Baby Whisperer I think it was) the advice given is to lie to people who ask. Now I think this is counter-active as everyone else who isn't lying thinks they are doing something wrong, but it is probably a good thing if you're getting a lot of unwanted advice/pressure.

Chil1234 · 19/07/2010 10:53

I don't think you're a failure, either, but there are things you can do to encourage a longer sleep at night. If the baby wasn't in your room, for example, you might be able to ignore everything except full-on crying more easily. Filling baby's tummy with a slow-release high-carbohydrate supper (cereals, banana, milk etc) just before bedtime is a good way to extend their sleep. It's great to be responsive to a child's needs but it's not a bad thing if parents get more unbroken nights than broken ones.

InWithTheITCrowd · 19/07/2010 10:59

Bless you, OP - of course you?re not a failure - how horrible that you have been made to feel this way. I have friends who are absolutely fantastic parents, and their 3 year old still doesn?t sleep through the night, and other friends who are equally fantastic who occasionally get a good night?s sleep with their 18 month old, and more frequently don?t - and he WAS sleeping through at 6 months, but has since changed his mind.
The point is that all babies - all people - are different, and it sounds as though your DD has a wonderful mummy who is doing everything to put DD?s needs first. She can?t want any more than that.
Just as a response to a couple of other posters, not everyone who says their DC are sleeping through, is lying. My DS has always slept through from about 4 months - 12 hours most nights (14 last night) - it is nothing to do with my parenting and everything to do with him loving his sleep! Just don?t want others with sleepy babies like mine to worry that THEY are doing something wrong!

Jackstini · 19/07/2010 10:59

Not read all thread yet but dd was 10mo and ds was 14 mo before regularly sleeping through, both BF.
No you are not a failure, you are just trying to do your best for your baby and your family should butt out - none of their business!

KnitterNotTwitter · 19/07/2010 11:01

My DS is just coming up to 2 and sleeps through two or three nights a week. He's been gradually working up to that at his own time/pace.

If I would you I would be as rude as I felt comfortable with to your family - something along the lines of "if you're not prepared to support MY decisions about MY baby then off. And if you ever undermine my parenting again then "

My MIL was forever telling me how my DH slept through from 2 or 3 months. And then my FIL turned round one day and said... Erm, no that was BIL - DH apparently didn't sleep through until he was 3 or 4 - PAH!!!

pigletmania · 19/07/2010 11:02

Well I have info for you, my dd 3.4 years does not sleep through either. She did start too before the early summer mornings, damn those nice sunny mornings.

porcamiseria · 19/07/2010 11:02

just another to say DONT WORRY ITS NORMAL

there is so much bullshit out there and alot of people lie

fret ye not

DS 1 did not sleep though (and I use that term loosely!) till he was nearly 1

pigletmania · 19/07/2010 11:03

Just read all your post, my family was like that, I just told them that she does sleep through the night just to shut them up.

Cies · 19/07/2010 11:04

HAve you read the recent webchat with Dr Helen Ball? Here it is

She speaks a lot of sense.

I'll just add myself to the list. DS is 7.5 mo and still wakes several times a night to feed.

Chrysanthemum5 · 19/07/2010 11:05

I can only pass on my FIL's excellent advice. That people don't really care what you do so long as you agree their way was best. So his advice was that when confronted with 'advice' on sleeping etc I should just smile, say thank you and ignore it. It works a treat, I don't get involved in any discussions. If people ever pressed me about things like sleeping through I just said the DCs were sleeping well and we were all happy.

To make you feel better, my DCs slept well at 6 months but still sometimes woke up, and DD (2.6) until fairly recently would sometimes wake in the night. I was happy with that!

pigletmania · 19/07/2010 11:05

I totally agree with you Fakeplastictrees . my dd is just one of those light sleepers who does not require much sleep.

KnitterNotTwitter · 19/07/2010 11:09

oooh - and another thing. My MIL used to say how bad it was that DS didn't sleep through and then comment how she'd woken in the night and couldn't go back to sleep for a couple of hours. I SOOOO wanted to comment that DS was a better sleeper than she was but merely chuckled to myself in an evil way....

For me 'sleeping through' has so many definitions. I used to say that DS slept through as long as he woke to feed, fed and went straight back to sleep again. It's when he wakes to play when I don't class it as sleeping through....

MarthaLovesMatthew · 19/07/2010 11:09

You're definitely not a failure sono.

My DD is nearly 11 months. She still has not slept through the night. She's BF (sometimes 6 or 7 times a night) and we co-sleep.

It can be so hard listening to 'well-meaning' comments about your baby's behaviour, but you are doing nothing wrong and your responsiveness towards your baby will only ever do her good. Promise.

It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job

prettyfly1 · 19/07/2010 11:09

oh my goodness - so relieved to see this thread. My seven and a half month old is also still waking at least once and I too felt like a failure - I guess he will do it when he is ready!!

WoTmania · 19/07/2010 11:12

YANBU - some children wake in the night, some don't. DS1 was 3yrs before he started sleeping through more often than not DD was born about a months after this . She is now 16 mo and still waking through the night.

Meita · 19/07/2010 11:32

It makes me on your behalf to think that while you are struggling with sleep deprivation, your family is not offering you support but rather making you feel like it is your own fault.

MrsChemist · 19/07/2010 11:59

DS is nearly 11mo, and he sleeps through (7pm to 7am, give or take half an hour) occasionally. If he doesn't, he's only up once for a feed.

However, I know that that's because he wants to sleep like that, not because I've done something to make him sleep through. I've just been lucky.

They'll sleep through when they are ready.

Last time someone mentioned a rod for my own back, I replied, "maybe, but it is still my rod to make."

AncientStarlight · 19/07/2010 12:07

DD was 16 months before she slept through. We had all those 'rod for your own back' comments as well. OP you are most definitely NOT a failure, you sound like a caring mum, who's doing what's best for your baby.

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